I'm in crisis: he had an affair

[blueweeknd]

I feel quite in crisis. It happenned a couple of years ago but I only just left him. I am not sure why but this feels like the worst I've felt.

I think leaving him made the real pain and weight of it crush down on me all of a sudden in the realisation of it all.

How was he capable of the things he did?

Why wasn't I valuable enough not to do this?

What is real or not real?

Who am I? Who I thought I was, was his precious girl. His best thing. If I'm not that, who am I?

Do all my memories mean nothing now if I wasn't enough?

Why did the affair partner get the best of him? When I got this traumatised, self loathing wreck?

Did I matter?

I feel also this crushing sense of the loss of everything that felt most important to me. Him. Us. The days. All the smiles.

Chinese takeaways
Christmas movies
Lucozade being brought to you when you've got flu
The beach
Wednesday night date nights
How his face lit up every time he saw me
The house we were going to buy and never did
Kids playing board games
Sunday morning breakfast

If it all felt so absolutely incredibly wonderful and valuable to me, but clearly not to him, then are my happiest times just mirages?

It's like a 50 tonne truck is sitting on top of me and the things which are most precious to me are gone and there's absolutely nobody there to watch it go.

I don't want to hear that he was a bad person, because he wasn't. I'll never understand why he did all he's done but I suppose I will need to accept that the same things weren't precious to him. He says they were, but how can that be true.

He intensely dislikes the person he had an affair with now. So why was it so easy to do, for something so seemingly transient?

He seems worn down by my anger and pain and everything that was once great is now misery. I kept because I dont want him to remember me like that.

What if he remembers his affair as joyful and fun and passionate and he remembers us as hard and sad and unhappy? That feels unfair. We loved each other. We wiped away tears and made jokes and he thought I was funny.

I feel cheated out of that. I want him to remember me like I was. Us like we were. I want to at least have that.

I don’t want to hear that I need to look after myself or do nice things for me or see friends or as if anything can ever be all right again because it won't.

This will always have happened and nothing is ever going to make it all right. I might eventually stop hurting and go on and have some kind of life with someone new or with a rescue dog or hiking some mountain in Peru.

But life will always be worse. This'll be something I carry around inside of me forever. There will be dreams that never happened and grief that hits me like a mack truck when I'm I'm Tesco and some brand of fish fingers reminds me of his face.

What I want to know is what thoughts I can use to comfort myself when it feels unbearable. When it feels like there's no possible way that I can endure another second of how much it hurts.

I can't go to my happy place anymore because my happy place was always him. Holidays to Greece, the little boat we were going to sail around the world, how he used to look at me.

Now my mind is just full of pain and poison and confusion and grief that feels so big that I almost can't breathe.

Tell me what to tell myself so I can keep going.

@circacircle thank you lovely.

You write about your ex husband with real regret

Of course, yes.

You loved your life and you enjoyed being part of the family

I really did

It also sounds as if your children are off to university and you have the opportunity to spend quality time as a couple

Yes, this. We had so many plans.

Your friend's life sounds very sad. I hope that doesn't end up being my story.

Consider your options and what you really really want

To just stop hurting.

You can try and forgive and put it behind you. Only you know if you are capable of that

I don't feel I got the tools to do this - I think part of that was something lacking on his part. He is realising that, and apologising for it. I was trying. I just couldn't move forward without help.

I hope you are doing ok op. I am the same as the poster - 6 years on from my ex husband having an affair. I found out and asked him to leave.

It's been quite a rollercoaster of a few years and it will be for you too. I had all the same thoughts as you and tortured myself and tied myself in knots with all the questions that I'd never get answers to.

The only way I managed to move on as much as I could was by letting go with peace. By that I mean acknowledging that it didn't turn out to be the forever I'd thought and hoped it would be, and he hurt me but that doesn't change the happy years and memories we had while we had them. I know they were real and so does he. Our marriage wasn't a failure - it produced two beautiful children and so many good times. It just wasn't meant to be forever.

We are both in relationships now and get on and co-parent fine but it wasn't an easy or linear road to get here. You might feel ok one day and desperately sad or angry the next as time goes on but you have to let yourself feel it all to work your way through it.

Thank you Sunshine.

I have had a really tough morning today, and have made the decision on what I want. Which is a divorce :(

I know how much love is still there, you have all heard that too, but it isn't so much the damage he caused during the cheating as the damage he has cause since.

Someone said earlier "I feel this this is a relationship worth fighting for" and I do too, which is why I did fight for it.

He didn't though :(

He showed up every day and he wiped tears and he showed me I was loved in the ways he knows how. But he didn't learn about infidelity. He didn't learn about what I was going through. He didn't call a counsellor. He didn't come to me and say "I can see you are struggling, is there something you want to talk about?".

He left me alone in this.

And I think maybe then I saw all the characteristics which made cheating possible.

He was able to put himself first, at my expense. It was easier for him to just do nothing and hope the anger and sadness would go. At times I think he even felt he wished I would just stop being so angry.

It never occurred to him to realise he had to do something.

This is just who he is.

I have struggled really hard to articulate that, but the man I love is kind and funny and gentle and so clever and he makes me laugh to a point I have to make him stop speaking because I think my liver hurts. He thinks I am great. He cries on his own when he's hurt me. He is kind to my kids. He sees himself old, sitting beside me.

But he is selfish and he left me alone in all this.

That's why I want a divorce.

You have every right to do what is best for you. Good luck on your fresh start. X x

Of course he had freedom to do it (both married to me and before he met me) but I don't think psychological issues work like that. There is an ingrained part of him that just remembers being told he wasn't allowed to have fun, and when the circumstances appeared, this gave him some kind of sense of entitlement and a feeling he should keep it from me because he had a hangover of sorts from his adolescence over being blocked from that.

I'm not "understanding" because I don't buy this. I'm really not trying to be offensive or hurtful, I just don't.

He kept his social life from you and then cheated on you, mainly (?) because his ex wife wouldn't let him go out socially on his own over 11 years before you two even got into a relationship (and you've had no problem with him socialising on his own at any point during your relationship)?

Hope you are as okay as you can be op. I am sorry you are in this situation. My many questions were not questions to be answered by you, just ones he needs to ask himself.

Look after yourself and remember that lady in the mirror has integrity, self worth and stands by her word - that is worth so much.

Thank you all.

There's a lot of grieving to be done.

And I think maybe then I saw all the characteristics which made cheating possible.

A few wise posters on here have pointed out that the same selfishness, among other things, that led to cheaters cheating, is the reason they are shit at reconciliation "requirements", for lack of a better word.

I'm sorry he's put you through this op

@GilbertMarkham I think that's very accurate.

So sorry@blueweeknd , it’s hard when they don’t step up and do the work needed. Very hard. Be kind to yourself and seek support. Only you know the right course of action to take. X

Thank you for helping not feel alone during some of the worst days of my life.

You're incredibly strong OP and have made a very difficult decision, but one that is rooted in your own healing.

This thread has been a source of great knowledge and much needed empathy for me as well, as someone grappling with the same dilemma at 9 months post discovery.

I can only hope to have the same courage as you to make the right decision for my future.

Take care and all the best.

I will genuinely read this thread over and over when it all feels too much.

I hope others have read it. Especially the ones who might think again before doing this, or those who are going through what I'm going through.

Right now, tonight, feels like one of the saddest nights of my life.

I believe the portrayal of betrayal in films, literature, series does not help people understand the devastation and trauma it causes in the real world. Instead they portray star crossed lovers rather than selfish, self obsessed arses with poor character traits.

Accurate representation may not sell tickets but it would enable the public to understand why it takes a person so long to recover.

Cheating in a nutshell op. Also love yourself like your life depends on it - the author provides clear, easy instructions to help you feel better. They are easy.

Read ‘Tiny Beautiful Things’ by Cheryl Strayed.

She also has a podcast series called ‘Dear Sugar’.

so sorry you are hurting op and you’ve experienced this. Sending you a big big hug. Xxx

Thank you all. I let him know I wanted a divorce tonight and it was as awful as you'd expect.

Hugs op - I am so sorry x

I'm so sorry OP. I feel your pain. I'm in the same boat although not married. I don't have as much paperwork to file.

Please take some time for yourself and know that your worth and happiness is defined by you and you alone.

One thing I always tell myself when things feel at their worst is “Well, at least I don’t have to do that day again”. Not much help, doesn’t change anything, but it’s a relief to know it’s done. The horrible day you told him you wanted a divorce is done now, you won’t have to ever go through that again.
Feel proud that you’ve given it all your best efforts and the most careful consideration and made your decision and told him as soon as you knew what you wanted. You couldn’t have been fairer to him.
Give yourself time to grieve now, even though this is what you want, it’s still so very sad and not what you ever envisaged for both of you. Take care of yourself OP x

Hi OP. I am going through something similar to you, and wanted to let you know how much comfort this thread has brought me, with your strength, and words of wisdom from others. I think about you often, and hope one day I might find the same strength you have ❤️ I know it’s a year later, but I really hope you’re doing ok X