I'm in crisis: he had an affair

[blueweeknd]

I feel quite in crisis. It happenned a couple of years ago but I only just left him. I am not sure why but this feels like the worst I've felt.

I think leaving him made the real pain and weight of it crush down on me all of a sudden in the realisation of it all.

How was he capable of the things he did?

Why wasn't I valuable enough not to do this?

What is real or not real?

Who am I? Who I thought I was, was his precious girl. His best thing. If I'm not that, who am I?

Do all my memories mean nothing now if I wasn't enough?

Why did the affair partner get the best of him? When I got this traumatised, self loathing wreck?

Did I matter?

I feel also this crushing sense of the loss of everything that felt most important to me. Him. Us. The days. All the smiles.

Chinese takeaways
Christmas movies
Lucozade being brought to you when you've got flu
The beach
Wednesday night date nights
How his face lit up every time he saw me
The house we were going to buy and never did
Kids playing board games
Sunday morning breakfast

If it all felt so absolutely incredibly wonderful and valuable to me, but clearly not to him, then are my happiest times just mirages?

It's like a 50 tonne truck is sitting on top of me and the things which are most precious to me are gone and there's absolutely nobody there to watch it go.

I don't want to hear that he was a bad person, because he wasn't. I'll never understand why he did all he's done but I suppose I will need to accept that the same things weren't precious to him. He says they were, but how can that be true.

He intensely dislikes the person he had an affair with now. So why was it so easy to do, for something so seemingly transient?

He seems worn down by my anger and pain and everything that was once great is now misery. I kept because I dont want him to remember me like that.

What if he remembers his affair as joyful and fun and passionate and he remembers us as hard and sad and unhappy? That feels unfair. We loved each other. We wiped away tears and made jokes and he thought I was funny.

I feel cheated out of that. I want him to remember me like I was. Us like we were. I want to at least have that.

I don’t want to hear that I need to look after myself or do nice things for me or see friends or as if anything can ever be all right again because it won't.

This will always have happened and nothing is ever going to make it all right. I might eventually stop hurting and go on and have some kind of life with someone new or with a rescue dog or hiking some mountain in Peru.

But life will always be worse. This'll be something I carry around inside of me forever. There will be dreams that never happened and grief that hits me like a mack truck when I'm I'm Tesco and some brand of fish fingers reminds me of his face.

What I want to know is what thoughts I can use to comfort myself when it feels unbearable. When it feels like there's no possible way that I can endure another second of how much it hurts.

I can't go to my happy place anymore because my happy place was always him. Holidays to Greece, the little boat we were going to sail around the world, how he used to look at me.

Now my mind is just full of pain and poison and confusion and grief that feels so big that I almost can't breathe.

Tell me what to tell myself so I can keep going.

@blueweeknd oh sweetheart, i got really emotional reading your post. I totally feel you, I’ve been there. I was pregnant with our daughter, and im 5 years on. I understand not hating him, I understand your pain- please get the book ‘how to heal a broken heart’ I wish I had it when I went through what you’re going through. It explains EVERYTHING, why you’re feeling the way you do, the grief, the pain, everything. It’s written by Rosie Green.

Op, why on earth would you love yourself less? Unless you believe you can totally control the choices another adult makes (and, in your heart, you know you can’t) his choices have literally fuck all to do with you. Yea, of course, a million percent, he should have considered you before making such awful choices, but, he didn’t. Why not? No idea - it’s usually selfishness, entitlement, desperate need for validation, ego boost, the usual cliches. What it is NOT is a lack in you. If he was unhappy, he had a million different options - seek counselling, talk to you, end the relationship. He chose not to do that. That is on him. So frankly, I do not care that he lost 3 stolen and is sad, lost etc. He betrayed you and his own values, so the struggles he is having now, of having to look in the mirror and see who he REALLY is, are of his own creation. Let him deal with his shit by himself. You are not a rehab centre for fucked up men.
It is hugely, hugely unfair to you. You’ve been forced to eat an enormous shit sandwich that you didn’t make and didn’t want. But, it’s happened. You cannot change that. What you can do it take your power back. This was done to you, by someone who promised they never would, without your consent and that is beyond shit. Yes, your life will not be as you had planned, but it IS within your power to make it better. As unfair and hard and shit as it it, you have to choose to NOT let this ruin your life. It takes time, grief and anger and rage are normal. But, you will get there. Do not let this define your life because, you didn’t choose it, but you CAN now choose better for yourself xxxxx

I'm sorry x

I could've written this myself. Going through the same right now. X

@DiddlyDonut please, get yourself the ‘joe to heal a broken heart’ book by Rosie Green x

@DiddlyDonut how not joe!

Do you know what. Even if every single thing he did was a lie, you were real.

Everything you felt was real. You were real, and true and loving and genuine. Those things weren't false. And he can't ever take that away from you. Everything you brought, everything you did, every feeling, every kind gesture, every plan and little thing you did, that was all you and all real.

It wasn't all a mirage. Even if it was on his part, towards the end, it wasn't on yours. And you were half of this.

I'm really sorry to everyone who has been through this or who is going through it

Many men do not think further than themselves, they think it will be ok and no one will find out, and then they do… they can’t turn the clock back then and try to change what happened. They have a poor moral compass. It’s horrible if you end up with one like this, especially if it’s a long term relationship with kids, it does feel as if your whole life is based on lies. It’s devastating and sad. Women 50 years ago used to settle for this, you do not have to in todays day and age. Men haven’t caught up with this fact.

Grief makes it hard to think any possibility of looking ahead without them is just not something that can be done, it feels like sometimes life just simply can’t go on without them, but time changes it all somehow, makes it less painful, more bearable, more manageable until it becomes just a memory you look back on, like the rest of your memories now.

Unless he is a very smart sociopath, your memories are real - the laughter, the way he loved you, everything.

An affair doesn't erase the love, which is why you are in such terrible pain now.

You are grieving your past, present and future. But it sounds as though the past was not something you would change. It was good and you loved each other.

I think it's down to selfishness and a sort of greed for attention. You were real, you were and are valuable, but ultimately he was selfish. Maybe just for a short time, but his needs/wants came first.
Fwiw I think you have done the right thing, a life lived with constant suspicion is miserable. Take care.

These words have really comforted. Thank you

An erect penis has no conscience

Your pain is tangible and it's absolutely normal, there are many people who minimise the pain they are going through and are are going through beacause it's not something society likes to hear.

Allow yourself all the grief in the world to get over this and give yourself time and compassion, fuck others that don't understand, there will be many of them.

As for coping, mental stratergies can help, pretend he's dead if it makes it easier, just imagine he's no longer on the planet or he never existed, that can help with the pain.
Slowly and I mean slowly you may start to regain glimpses of the peace of mind he has stolen from you.

As for something to take your mind off the pain, depending on the level of betrayal and your emotional intellegence, just try not to beat yourself up if you find it hard to concentrate on anything productive.

Oh and if you're young enough, shag someone else, it can take the edge off.

Who am I? Who I thought I was, was his precious girl. His best thing. If I'm not that, who am I?
Herein lies the problem, and why it's so painful. Did he make you his possession, or did you put him on a pedestal? A man should never be your whole world and identity should be a healthy mix of independent self desires, motherhood and family and then being a wife. That way when the latter goes wrong ( as it does often as it is the only aspect that is conditional) you still have other important aspects of your identity to fall back on.
You are still a mother, if you don't know yourself because you lost her by putting him in front, it's about time you find her. You are still someone's daughter, maybe sister, depending on family situation.
He is not all you, you just mistakenly think he was right now.
Also, independence is an attractive quality, probably why an outsider commands more interest for some men.

Shagging someone else has crossed my mind. I am young enough (45). Its just that I dont really compartmentalise well so I'd probably start crying in the midst of it.

@blueweeknd just to say- all those things you thought, I thought them too . I decided to stay but I did seek answers and your comment about 'was I not enough' - my H said in his case it was never ever the case that I wasn't- it was that he wanted something that gave him that 'new' buzz and at that point it no longer felt like that with us. He wanted that new buzz because several things in life were going very wrong- business, terminally I'll parent etc. I think given what you have said about your relationship- it wasn't that you were not enough, it's that he was greedy and wanted more cake and it was an offer. Men often do think with their dicks .

My H was mortified too when I found out quite by chance. The fact he is mortified I think in your case was because he did care a great deal, he just got greedy and got found out.

Please don't think it's you, it's all on him.

@Opentooffers and that in an essence is where I think I got it wrong. It's my 2nd marriage and I think I focussed on him far too much and not enough on me .

Long message OP, sorry. You have really touched me.
OP I have never read on here such a moving, heartfelt account of the true cost of infidelity.
I am so, so sorry that this has happened to you, that you are in so much pain and despite trying for two years, that you feel you can’t stay and are hurting so badly and that it is so very raw.
This is grief, OP. Grief is not just something that follows bereavement, it follows any significant loss. This is raw grief for the life you had and have lost, and the future you imagined and have lost. Read about the stages of grief and how you can heal, get all the support you can. Friends, family, therapy. Whatever it takes, reach out and do it.
I also believe good people can do terrible things and that good marriages aren’t necessarily affair-proof. Your husband’s reactions afterwards and how badly he is suffering with guilt and remorse are proof of that. It is so common for them to finally face the truth about themselves and be in a kind of disbelief and shock that they ever behaved in such a way. It doesn’t help you however or mean we can turn back time, sadly.
So, you had a good marriage, your husband is fundamentally a good man, so what caused this? Do you ever ask yourself what did you do to cause this? What did your relationship lack or do to cause this? You must stop that now. It is natural to blame ourselves sometimes, but in infidelity we couldn’t be more wrong to do this. Nothing, OP, nothing. You did nothing to cause this.
You are and always were enough. Let that sink in, you are and always were enough.
What he did was down to him, it was his character flaws and his personal issues which showed up when he had a choice to make and he chose wrongly. It was nothing, repeat, nothing, to do with you. His actions reflect on him, not you. His inadequacies and faulty coping mechanisms led to his cheating, not you or anything you did, said, or the way you look. Nothing. It was him, not you. It’s imperative to let that sink in.
Do not be crushed under the weight and burdens of another person’s actions, it is their weight to carry, their burden to shoulder.
We are not, cannot be and should not be responsible for another adult’s choices and behaviour. I tell you this because you must give yourself permission to put down the burden of his shame, his issues and the agony of wondering why, why, why did he do this. He needs to find out why he did it, his remorse and shame show you he knows it wasn’t you or the marriage, it was him. Not you. So put down any blame, shame or guilt you are carrying, it is not yours to bear, you deserve peace, you deserve better.
All the lovely times you had and things you did were real, OP. Of course you are wondering if they meant anything, if he was happy too. Yes, he was. It sounds impossible now, in the light of what he did, but at the time it was. Don’t rewrite the history of your entire relationship, it’s clear he loved and still loves you, those times were real. Maybe he will never be able to fathom why he did it, it’s clear he never wanted to lose you. Affairs never makes any sense, everyone gets hurt. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
At present you see everything through the filter of loss, the filter of his affair. With time and help this will change, OP, it will get better. Prioritise yourself now, allow yourself to grieve on your own time, nobody gets to tell you how long you’re allowed to be sad and angry for or tell you you should be over it by now/ in a year/ in whenever. Your timeline, nobody else’s. Keep a journal and rage, vent, say anything you like in it. Make plans a day at a time, even an hour at a time if that’s too much.
I’m not going to say it will be better soon, OP, I can’t say that, I wish I could. But it will eventually be better, OP, it truly will.
Be kind to yourself, trauma is destructive and takes time and support to heal. Sending love, I know how this hurts and feels, how you described your thoughts and feelings could have been me. X

So what.

He reduced sex into a meaningless action with regards to you, maybe if you cross that boundary of sex without love it will free you a little to help ease the pain.

Just don't expect too much from it, treat it as an act without expectation.

You may make a new friend, and that's what you should concentate on now, making friends who will allow you to be you, male and female friends, you are free to be who you want, invite who you want round and pretend you are fifteen again.

Remember that young girl who was full of hope and possibilities, it is possibly to make the best of friends at 45 with or without sex.

Your thoughts are limited at the moment because of the trauma, like a record stuck repeating over and over, you cannot see anything other than pain or loss, but if you give it chance your mind is waiting for you to allow other thoughts that arn't quite so negative.

For instance in the future, could you imagine ......

Fill in some blanks

My eyes welled up reading your post OP.
I know I am only a random on the internet but your pain came through strong in that post.
I sincerely hope you are ok 💗

Oh do fuck off with this shite - it helps no one and just shows a lack of intelligence.
There’s plenty of men (myself included) who would never cheat, even in ‘the heat of the moment’.

I'm so sorry hun

@Thewookiemustgo

Thank you so much. You are all strangers. This life of these people you never met somehow mattered to you enough to take the time to write all these nice posts and for that I am so grateful. It made me feel a bit like there were other people (albeit strangers) who knew that it mattered.

I know my husband would do anything to go back in time and choose differently. He can't though. Like you say, there is a cost of infidelity. I know good people can do bad things.

I don't blame myself or my marriage. I never did that. I just struggle with knowing forever that for at least that period of time it was worth risking. It soils it for me that for him, for that time, it was not precious.

I am truly sorry if my post could have been you. I am sorry anyone, anywhere ever had to feel like this.

No worries OP.
If anything I write because of what happened to me helps anybody, then it makes it feel less pointless. It’s the pointless stupidity of it all which blows my mind, all so avoidable and regretted so badly. All that hurt for no gain to anyone whatsoever. It’s so sad. We’re strangers but we know how you feel, I couldn’t read your poignant account without responding, nor could many others here, it doesn’t change events for any of us but it makes us all feel less alone with feelings like these. You’re not alone OP. X