I'm in crisis: he had an affair

[blueweeknd]

I feel quite in crisis. It happenned a couple of years ago but I only just left him. I am not sure why but this feels like the worst I've felt.

I think leaving him made the real pain and weight of it crush down on me all of a sudden in the realisation of it all.

How was he capable of the things he did?

Why wasn't I valuable enough not to do this?

What is real or not real?

Who am I? Who I thought I was, was his precious girl. His best thing. If I'm not that, who am I?

Do all my memories mean nothing now if I wasn't enough?

Why did the affair partner get the best of him? When I got this traumatised, self loathing wreck?

Did I matter?

I feel also this crushing sense of the loss of everything that felt most important to me. Him. Us. The days. All the smiles.

Chinese takeaways
Christmas movies
Lucozade being brought to you when you've got flu
The beach
Wednesday night date nights
How his face lit up every time he saw me
The house we were going to buy and never did
Kids playing board games
Sunday morning breakfast

If it all felt so absolutely incredibly wonderful and valuable to me, but clearly not to him, then are my happiest times just mirages?

It's like a 50 tonne truck is sitting on top of me and the things which are most precious to me are gone and there's absolutely nobody there to watch it go.

I don't want to hear that he was a bad person, because he wasn't. I'll never understand why he did all he's done but I suppose I will need to accept that the same things weren't precious to him. He says they were, but how can that be true.

He intensely dislikes the person he had an affair with now. So why was it so easy to do, for something so seemingly transient?

He seems worn down by my anger and pain and everything that was once great is now misery. I kept because I dont want him to remember me like that.

What if he remembers his affair as joyful and fun and passionate and he remembers us as hard and sad and unhappy? That feels unfair. We loved each other. We wiped away tears and made jokes and he thought I was funny.

I feel cheated out of that. I want him to remember me like I was. Us like we were. I want to at least have that.

I don’t want to hear that I need to look after myself or do nice things for me or see friends or as if anything can ever be all right again because it won't.

This will always have happened and nothing is ever going to make it all right. I might eventually stop hurting and go on and have some kind of life with someone new or with a rescue dog or hiking some mountain in Peru.

But life will always be worse. This'll be something I carry around inside of me forever. There will be dreams that never happened and grief that hits me like a mack truck when I'm I'm Tesco and some brand of fish fingers reminds me of his face.

What I want to know is what thoughts I can use to comfort myself when it feels unbearable. When it feels like there's no possible way that I can endure another second of how much it hurts.

I can't go to my happy place anymore because my happy place was always him. Holidays to Greece, the little boat we were going to sail around the world, how he used to look at me.

Now my mind is just full of pain and poison and confusion and grief that feels so big that I almost can't breathe.

Tell me what to tell myself so I can keep going.

It sounds like you’re not ready to let this relationship go. Which is fair enough; infidelity can mean the end, but not always. I really like this, by Cheryl Strayed, about her experience with infidelity: https://therumpus.net/2011/08/12/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-81-a-bit-of-sully-in-your-sweet/

It might help. I know it’s helped me.

OP we didn’t divorce, but everybody’s circumstances are different, everyone feels differently about this, one size never fits all.
Just because some of us stayed together doesn’t necessarily mean that this would be the right course of action for you. I would never dream of advocating staying or leaving to anyone, unless there was clear evidence of cynical manipulation, abuse or physical harm to somebody.
There are uncannily similar scripts and patterns and many commonalities in infidelity itself, true, but there are as many different relationships as there are people and no two are the same.
There’s no shame in staying or leaving, neither option is a picnic, it’s very much an individual choice and basing your decision on what somebody else did in their relationship after infidelity is a bit like basing your decision on buying a car on the way that somebody else drives, you buy a car based on how you drive, what you need from it and how well it suits you.
Other people’s stories show you that there are possibilities, that leaving turns out ok in the end, that staying turns out ok in the end, or that staying was regretted later, so many different outcomes: it depends on too many differing factors.
I know that doesn’t help you very much, but I honestly wouldn’t base your decision on what a bunch of randoms on a forum did, well meaning as we are.
We are not you, our husbands and partners and marriages are not yours.
Two years out I was not really fully healed, amongst the good times were difficult triggers and difficult times too. I thought it was worth giving him a second chance because of many factors I won’t go into here (the infidelity sites/ masses of reading books helped here) and for me it was the best course of action. I did, however, reserve the right for myself to leave or change my mind at any point. But that was me, not you, it felt right for me, in my relationship, it felt wrong for many others.
Read all you can about healing after betrayal, you are clearly suffering from post-betrayal trauma, it’s real and truly horrible, I’ve been there too. Put your focus there, and clarity will come from that. He needs to focus on his own healing too.
You can ask me any questions you want, I’ll help if I can, but telling you what to do about staying or leaving or judging you on either decision I would never, ever do. Take care. X

Sorry for your pain. But I don’t like that letter. Worries about you crossing the road? Goodness me, he’s certainly got a view of you as someone who needs looking after. It made sense when you said he’s a doctor. (Note the boast in the letter about a pay rise!) Does he think he’s better than you? Put his words out if your mind and focus on his actions. Which have been awful. Work through the pain, but away from him. I wish you well, but from what you’ve written here, he isn’t a nice man.

Can I ask of you have tried any type of couples therapy to process this ?

even if it doesn’t fix it to find some shared understanding ? And completion

your pain and his is palpable x

Sorry this has happened and I know you don't want to hear your husband is a bad man.

I don't think you have to be a bad person to do this but you definitely have to have a streak of selfishness, entitlement... unhappiness even.. there was definitely something under the radar that led him down this path. It wasn't a pissed up one night stand, it was an affair. There would have been planning, hiding and manipulating involved.

You are painting him like he is perfect and I do not think seeing him with these rose tinted spectacles is helpful to you at all. He lied, cheated, manipulated and emotionally abused you and it sounds like he is still doing it now. Many men don't cheat and many, many don't have affairs. Maybe he hates this woman now, I wouldn't be too sure about that though...
and does it really matter?

You speak like someone who is co-dependent, I'd really take a look into that as you might find it helpful.

You are 45 and young.....Good luck!

I'm so sorry op.

I cannot comment properly because it has not happened to me. I feel so sorry for you.
It might be worth thinking if you have it in you to forgive him?
I was shocked a while back to read two threads from women who had affairs and bitterly regretted their actions. The overwhelming consensus was that they should not tell their husbands. One long thread had 75% of posters advising the woman not to tell her husband and so break up a happy family.
I commented on the thread so have the link if you wanted to read it.
Obviously, only you know if infidelity is something you cannot forgive.
Many people just can't forgive. You have the right to walk away if you feel you will never trust him again.

My advice to you OP is that things will get better. You have made the right decision and focus on things that will keep you strong and help you get through this tough period. I wasted almost 2 years trying to reconcile with a cheater - it is not worth it.

So you don't want to hear he is a bad person? Fine. But he is someone who has no respect for you or your relationship. He is someone with poor judgement and low impulse control. He is not good relationship or marriage material. He has shown you this so please believe him.

Oh OP this isn't a good person IMO, no matter how desperate you are to hold onto that. If you really love someone you don't just drift into an affair with someone else - because you value the person you're with and you wouldn't do anything to risk that. Now he hates the person he had the affair with and you know why - because it's easier to blame them for the affair than take any responsibility himself. He did it because he could, because he thought you wouldn't find out and if you did that you'd beg him to stay with you anyway. He did what he wanted with no care of the impact it would have on you and now he's desperately sorry and wants you back - but I'd bet you any money that if you went back he'd eventually do it again, because actually it's your rejection he can't stand and he now he wants to 'win' at getting you back. And so now these emotionally manipulative messages start....You say he's 'hapless' at emotional stuff - I'd suggest he's incredibly emotionally immature.

Who am I? Who I thought I was, was his precious girl. His best thing. If I'm not that, who am I?
The first thing you need to do is stop thinking of yourself in terms of him. If you could only think of yourself in terms of what you meant to him then that wasn't a healthy relationship. You exist beyond him and are a complete person in your own right.

The second thing you need to do is have as little contact with him as possible - these rambling emotionally manipulative messages are holding you back and enabling you to continue to wallow in what could have been. That crap needs to stop for your sake.

Thirdly, you're right - you are never going to have the life you thought you were. There's no doubting or denying that - so now you need to start thinking about what small steps you can take to start getting you somewhere new. What could a new future look like? One where you don't have to compromise or consider his feelings in anyway. You might want 10 cats or to sleep with women or live alone forever. You might want to just concentrate on your kids if you have them or take a year out and travel or move in with your mum. You might just want to do a yoga class once a week that you never had time to do before. Think of little things to do now and big things you can enjoy planning for the future. Go out for dinner on your own, go to the cinema on your own, go on holiday on your own and realise you can do it.

I know what it's like OP, after 25 years my covert narc of a husband told me he'd never loved me and never wanted to be with me. It was all my fault apparently, even though I had no idea thanks to all the lies and gas lighting. I had a carrier bag full of cards and letters detailing how much he loved me from all the years - all lies he'd made up while trying to sleep with other people behind my back. 3 years was the time it takes to start to really move on after a huge betrayal in a long term marriage (from what I've read and my experience) - you're two years in so still have a bit of time to go. But you can work on yourself. Don't allow his emotional manipulation. Stop thinking he's a good guy who made a little mistake. Stop making excuses for him. Realise there may be a lot you actually don't know about him. Start putting yourself first and doing only what is best for you.

Bless you all for getting me through these awful days. I will reply more thoroughly later, but I'm working right now.

@circacircle please do share the thread (s)

The crossing the road thing is because I've been "run over" twice since this happened. I got a lot of brain fog, and once a van backed into me and once I just got hit and was quite bruised. I just struggled to concentrate and look after myself the way I once did which is why he said that.

We did go to counselling initially, around three months after the bomb drop. Then, believe it or not after about 8 sessions, she got covid so we sort of waited months and in that period things just got quite bad.

Initial shock wore off I suppose and then the first big fights of our life started to happen. In an ideal world, he would have driven the bus, but he seemed to have a moral injury that was so significant that he more or less traumatised himself.

I realise that sounds fucking ridiculous, but he had (still has), night terrors, hypervigilance, feelings of being unsafe, persistent anxiety and he stopped functioning really. He felt very fragile. I know as I'm saying that people will grt angry because I'm the victim, but that was reality.

I think what he'd done, or more what it did to me, just was beyond whatever tolerance level he had. So that built resentment in me, and we started to argue. Neither one of us feeling loved.

We just sort of disappeared into ourselves and turned away from one another. Which is why my OP asked why he didn't try harder. I think he thought if he was patient and offered love that I would fix myself and really I had no idea how.

I stopped talking to him about how I was feeling and hid the visceral pain you've all been able to hear, because i didn't want to hurt him. Again I see how fucking ridiculous that sounds, and he I suppose just felt panicked.

Infidelity is horrible. I hope people reading this think twice because it's so not worth it. Just don't do it.

First link

I’ve done a terrible thing www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4875564-ive-done-a-terrible-thing

I am not saying you should stay with your husband but I was surprised how many posters on the above thread told the woman to put it behind her and get on with her life

circacircle

I kind of agree

sometimes people cheat because they are horrible cheats

but sometimes people cheat because they are depressed , unhappy , weak , feeling shit and someone comes along and makes them feel less shit , and they take it

so they should choose to cheat , or choose another shitty way to cope (booze drugs gambling )

im watching the new series of couples therapy and a woman cheated on her husband for various reasons

he’s totally and understandably unable
to forgive her , and he keeps getting flashbacks

maybe they won’t make it
bit the therapy’s helping them process it

I am not sure these have any direct relevance to you.
Second link

Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4892730-done-something-terrible-and-need-support-but-dont-deserve-it

I just wanted to make the point that a lot of posters advise women not to tell and to move on. I do appreciate you may not be able to forgive your husband. It must be very hard.

OP I’m sorry for your pain.
Some losses you never get over you’re right, but time does teach you how to live with it. It’s like… that unbearable weight and tightness in your chest that’s now there constantly, over the years that does lessen. You will still feel it, but it won’t be a constant ache, it will happen less. You will never forget but you will learn how to accept it. Sometimes you go back and then the sharp pain will come back, but eventually those moments are shorter and you are able to deal with them better.

If someone had told me that when I was in the worst of it I wouldn’t have believed them either because they’re not me and they weren’t in my exact situation …. But bottomline is, that’s what time does. ♥️

Thank you. I am going to read everything and will also properly reply to people who took tye time to write to me, I just have to get on with work.

I don't believe he is a bad person. People have represented good points, and @Thewookiemustgo has written things which I know are probably very accurate.

It's just very hard to accept that someone who's meant to love you has done this. I've tried and I just find it so hard. That feeling of being soiled or somehow not as great as you thought you were is hard to shift.

From the day we met, I was the vibrant, secure, jolly one and he was the clever, shy, worrier. We sort of fit and there was always this quiet - not terribly loud sense that he worshipped the ground I walked on.

I really liked the way I looked in his eyes and its confusing now because of the mixed messages.

Oh yes I know we were away from each other for months and that he was having a personal crisis and felt shit and alone and this person was offering comfort in the form of friendship. I still can't, no matter what anyone says, understand how he did it.

He dislikes her now because I suppose in the fullness of time it became clear that friendship he thought they had wasn't what he thought it was.

I think she just wanted to snag a doctor. I went back over her Facebook posts (sick I know) and it was obvious she was harbouring fantasies of some grand romance heading her way. Various Memes and so on sort of indicating she was a bit in love with bring in love.

I think the friendship was really not ever real friendship, and once she realised he wasn't going to be what she thought he was, she got very vindictive, very quickly. The scales fell very quickly.

I struggle now with why he turned to her instead of me. I feel like a million factors or threads from his life and personal weakness played into that but it doesn't change how sad I feel.

Betrayal trauma sounds accurate. I'll give it a proper read at lunch.

OP, you say "I realise that sounds fucking ridiculous, but he had (still has), night terrors, hypervigilance, feelings of being unsafe, persistent anxiety and he stopped functioning really."

Was he / is he still working as a doctor? When not functioning?

Was / is that safe for the patients? Have his colleagues not had concerns?

Or was he functioning fine at work, but not functioning in your relationship?

He functions great at work. He just stopped doing anything else. That's where those epic compartmentalising skills help I suppose. He was able to just shut it off.

So he treats his patients and colleagues as he should. He functions fine, as you say.

But he doesn't treat you as he should. He doesn't function in your relationship.

Right

If it is compartmentalising, what compartment does that put you in?

I think we all have our coping mechanisms. His is to be practical, keep going, cook the healthy meals, pay the bills, look after me in a more practical sense. Ie: come in from work and make sure I had healthy food. Leaving snacks for me during the day. Running me baths. He was really good at that.

I think he just found the other stuff hard and I ended up feeling like he didn't care or something. Obviously I wouldn't have left if it had been going well, but I just felt lost and in pain and like we were almost trying to pretend.

He kept asking me what I wanted and needed but I really don't know. Maybe the problem I'd me not being able to just put it behind me. I am confused and honestly don't know.

Like @Thewookiemustgo my H had opportunity as was away a fair bit at that point. His ego got the better of him 21 year old and he was 40 and it came at a very stressful point in life when stuff was hard to cope with. Like @Thewookiemustgo H, mine was honest with me and said he wanted a buzz of something pleasant going on- at a point when life was looking rather crappy ( business going wrong, his mum dying etc)- in my case I found out 10 years after it happened so that kind of alters the situation too . I think it depends on lots of things, you can get past this if you want to- you might think it it, but it does lessen in many cases, did in mine- I will say they I never have felt 100% the same- I changed things, far less putting him on a pedestal, far more putting me first!! One thing I learnt was there are lots of cases where men still think you are the bees knees, you were indeed quite enough but they were greedy and just couldn't resist an ego boost at that point in time. It's a reflection on their insecurities- not a reflection on you.

When you say you left, was it a trial separation? Did he think that you were leaving him? You said it had become pretence of a good relationship and that you wouldn't have left if you had been getting on.
Did it feel a bit like the end of the road for you both?

@blueweeknd I'm going to be honest- I felt like I needed a damn good row!! But was so wound up in internal machinations and he was pussyfooting around me trying to be nice that a row never felt appropriate- and then about 16 months down the line, we had one on New Year's Eve in a bar- walked home in silence and after that it kind of cleared the air and brought in a change. He stopped pussyfooting, I stopped putting him on a pedestal .

I do think in all honesty I should have insisted on 6 months apart when I found out - that lack of space I think caused me to not be able to let go of the pain.

You are allowed not to put it behind you and to move on in your life without him if that is what you want.
It is hard to forgive even if you understand to some extent why he had a relationship with someone else.
It sounds like you are not sure what you want. In the end it is your choice.
It sounds as if you believed you had an exceptionally happy marriage and you write that he adored you. It must have been such a shock.
Can you go back or would you rather start afresh? The next few weeks, months will help you decide if your marriage is worth fighting for or if you want to move on and start again.

I left because I felt we were in a cycle. I was still incredibly sad and me being sad made him feel bad and it felt like we were just rowing and making each other unhappy which I suppose isn't where you want to be.

I had starter to hide how sad I was and not talk to him and he felt rejected and like a failure. I wanted to feel better, I just really didn't know how.

I think maybe he's been very sad because of guilt and my sadness so this made me feel like she made him happier, which I realise sounds ridiculous but it was what I was worrying about.

I didn't feel able to be vulnerable, so I pulled away and that depressed him and made him feel like a failure. Its felt like two people pretending.

All of that just made me feel worse. Question everything. I think - on some depraved level - it felt easier to leave and feel worthy than it did to keep questioning that.

I just felt insecure and sad and I'm not sure if it was me or just that we didn't do the right things. It sowed so many doubts that I started reading into everything.

I don't know what I was looking for or needing. I didn't want him to remember me as this sad useless sack. I thought if I left now then at least he'd have a chance to remember me like I was when I was vibrant and carefree.

I guess i didn't like me anymore, and didn't think he would.