I'm in crisis: he had an affair

[blueweeknd]

I feel quite in crisis. It happenned a couple of years ago but I only just left him. I am not sure why but this feels like the worst I've felt.

I think leaving him made the real pain and weight of it crush down on me all of a sudden in the realisation of it all.

How was he capable of the things he did?

Why wasn't I valuable enough not to do this?

What is real or not real?

Who am I? Who I thought I was, was his precious girl. His best thing. If I'm not that, who am I?

Do all my memories mean nothing now if I wasn't enough?

Why did the affair partner get the best of him? When I got this traumatised, self loathing wreck?

Did I matter?

I feel also this crushing sense of the loss of everything that felt most important to me. Him. Us. The days. All the smiles.

Chinese takeaways
Christmas movies
Lucozade being brought to you when you've got flu
The beach
Wednesday night date nights
How his face lit up every time he saw me
The house we were going to buy and never did
Kids playing board games
Sunday morning breakfast

If it all felt so absolutely incredibly wonderful and valuable to me, but clearly not to him, then are my happiest times just mirages?

It's like a 50 tonne truck is sitting on top of me and the things which are most precious to me are gone and there's absolutely nobody there to watch it go.

I don't want to hear that he was a bad person, because he wasn't. I'll never understand why he did all he's done but I suppose I will need to accept that the same things weren't precious to him. He says they were, but how can that be true.

He intensely dislikes the person he had an affair with now. So why was it so easy to do, for something so seemingly transient?

He seems worn down by my anger and pain and everything that was once great is now misery. I kept because I dont want him to remember me like that.

What if he remembers his affair as joyful and fun and passionate and he remembers us as hard and sad and unhappy? That feels unfair. We loved each other. We wiped away tears and made jokes and he thought I was funny.

I feel cheated out of that. I want him to remember me like I was. Us like we were. I want to at least have that.

I don’t want to hear that I need to look after myself or do nice things for me or see friends or as if anything can ever be all right again because it won't.

This will always have happened and nothing is ever going to make it all right. I might eventually stop hurting and go on and have some kind of life with someone new or with a rescue dog or hiking some mountain in Peru.

But life will always be worse. This'll be something I carry around inside of me forever. There will be dreams that never happened and grief that hits me like a mack truck when I'm I'm Tesco and some brand of fish fingers reminds me of his face.

What I want to know is what thoughts I can use to comfort myself when it feels unbearable. When it feels like there's no possible way that I can endure another second of how much it hurts.

I can't go to my happy place anymore because my happy place was always him. Holidays to Greece, the little boat we were going to sail around the world, how he used to look at me.

Now my mind is just full of pain and poison and confusion and grief that feels so big that I almost can't breathe.

Tell me what to tell myself so I can keep going.

@booksandbrews

Thank you for sharing that link. It was a really comforting thing to read.

Some people can get over things better, you are like me, I would feel exactly the same as you, it would literally break my heart and taint memories. I agree, it will always have happened, and it cannot be unwritten. That is the problem, it cannot be fixed or undone. It has to be accepted. I know this betrayal is more personal but I might compare it to if you were in a car accident where someone plowed into you, that changed your life with injuries, you can dissect why it happened, and you can get compensation, but it was out of your control and, all you can do is work bit by bit to get better and accept that your circumstances have changed.

I have one question, would you have preferred not to know? Carried on unaware, the affair would end at some point, and you keep the same life? The reason I ask is that he is not who you think he was.

@blueweeknd now here is where we differ- I didn't actually give a shit about how sad or bad he felt- I felt he deserved to feel like a piece of shit. I didn't act sad or depressed though-- although I was certainly quieter

I did ruminate (for years ) - and I too thought maybe I should leave because I don't feel 100% the same , but then I thought bollocks, I'm not making my life worse (and in my case that would be the case , certainly financially) so I changed my mindset.

I do think space is good- I think having some will clarify things for you-

@Crikeyalmighty

now here is where we differ- I didn't actually give a shit about how sad or bad he felt- I felt he deserved to feel like a piece of shit. I didn't act sad or depressed though-- although I was certainly quieter

I have had flashes of a heck of a lot of anger, believe me, but underneath if you really love someone it's very difficult to not want them to be okay and happy, so it sort of became a mixed up set of feelings because I'd feel that and then get even more angry because I'd be thinking "well he didn't think that about you!!!". It's just shit isn't it.

It's also more than that. He hasn't been okay, which I mentioned, a lot of anxiety related illness and part of me wonders if maybe he has PTSD from covid. He is a pretty low drama doctor mostly dealing with asthma and allergies, rather than life threatening dramas and I know he saw a lot of people die, colleagues too and also a close family member (as I mentioned) was dying and we also lost two very close family members from covid as well.

I wonder if maybe he has also been dealing with that because I just felt like he wasn't himself or happy or doing enough or something, which I interpreted at times that maybe it was me or something lacking in me and it was just one great pile of confusion and insecurity. Which then becomes almost impossible to speak about because it's tied into so much shame.

I wonder, even, if that played into why he had this affair. Maybe it felt like they were going through a trauma together or something? For whatever reason for that brief period he cut off from his life completely and was able to almost forgot I existed in a sense. @Thewookiemustgo describes this well, and it's very painful for me to sit with.

@circacircle thanks for sharing those links. That first one made me want to be physically sick because she is describing I suppose similar circumstances. Away from home, some kind of friendship, a flirtation and how she enjoyed it (that part makes me want to actually vomit). Then drinks and going too far. I don't like thinking about it, but I suppose that must be more or less what occurred. It's almost unbearable for me to think of him being attracted to someone else and enjoying flirting with them and making a choice to stay behind for drinks. Almost this part is worse than the actual sex bit.

@coldcallerbaiter no, I needed to know. I would hate my life to be a lie. He said he knew immediately that he would have to tell me too. You can't live life based on one person being tricked.

@blueweeknd it is totally shit- I think when you have had a very deep and good relationship with a guy who definitely isn't 'a player'. It's so out of character you can't quite believe it. I think I had PTSD symptoms for several years!!

So many things about this thread resonate, the mistakes we make, like the poster that says your independence, or being a mother or the rest of family should also be of equal importance. It is either nature or conditioning or both that makes some of us feel so devastated by the betrayal of a husband, and that life feels genuinely over.

If it was me, I would even after this, not want to see him with a new gf, and that would hurt on top and I would not want more hurt. If it was me, I might take him back, keep my financial stability for me and the kids and I would tell him so (so he shouldn't flatter himself), and then have a different relationship, not as close and with more outside interests. I might even consider having private flirtations of my own and feel no guilt. With all my anger and bravado over it, in the end, I think it is what I would do myself. and feel I had learned a life lesson, one I should have known all along, that the practicality of my life is just as important as an over-invested romantic relationship.

I didn't want to stay for a marriage that was less than the one we had before :(

In a lot of ways, strangely, the marriage got better. I think there had always been a little bit of him that was shut away, and after this I felt he was a lot more naked and vulnerable. I can't really explain that, it just brought us closer together in a more "this is the real thing without the flowers and roses" sort of way.

Agree with @Crikeyalmighty , space is a good idea if you are confused or unsure.
In my case one of our DC was a few weeks away from very important exams when the poop hit the fan so I told nobody, nobody knew except my very dear best friend, I stayed put and it was an internal hell initially. I think I was in shock and on auto pilot and just trying to survive and terrified that our children would find out. Our eldest would have had their future ruined or at least significantly delayed had the exams been a train wreck. In any other circumstances distance would have given us a chance to breathe and not be so up close and personal, he’d have had to face the full consequences, and the conflicting feelings and emotions were magnified by even being in the same room together sometimes back then. I couldn’t breathe sometimes, just had to get out.
I used to get out of bed and drive around in the middle of the night, no idea where I was going but I needed to get out, have peace. The quiet of the wee small hours outside in fields was like a balm. I don’t recommend it however, it wasn’t the safest time or place to be a woman alone, I just did what I needed to do.

Thats the no-win dilemma, by telling you, he ruined your life. However, you would want to know, so as not to live a lie.

@blueweeknd I don't think it has to be less- it certainly in my case was 'different' and as @coldcallerbaiter has succinctly said- the rose tinted glasses totally came off. In fact @coldcallerbaiter I stayed for exactly that situation- I reserve the right though to change my mind if at any point I feel like it.

@coldcallerbaiter

Thats the no-win dilemma, by telling you, he ruined your life. However, you would want to know, so as not to live a lie

This is the one piece of advice I hope people keep in mind if they ever feel tempted to have an affair. There isn't any way that you escape that dilemma. Your life is ruined from the minute they do it. Whether you claw it back or not, is a question but from what I understand most people don't

@Crikeyalmighty

Oh yes, my rose tinted specs came off for sure. It's not that I discovered new things really, it's that I understood the meaning of the existing things.

@Thewookiemustgo

This is almost exactly the same for me. It happened at a time my DC was finishing school. I remember so clearly just putting on autopilot and telling nobody. My husband and I don't have biological children together and in the end neither of them found out about this, but essentially this has been a happy family and the fact they are step siblings never made a difference. It's something else I feel sad for.

I really identify with the getting out of bed and driving around in the middle of the night. I used to do exactly this. Also walking. Also often walking in the middle of the night when it was clearly dangerous. Likewise it felt like what I needed to do because I felt like I was going mad inside.

So you have both been married before and each have children from those unions ?

How long have you been together op ?

Nine years. Sounds awful

Totally understand the conflicting feelings that you have, it’s absolutely possible to feel pity and compassion for him, he’s ruined his own life and yours and blown up his family and regrets it utterly. Whilst it’s his own doing, it’s still a very sad state for anyone to be in. I felt this, as well as, at various times and to varying degrees: utter contempt, anger, disgust and sometimes pure hatred for the terrible thing he’d done.
It’s normal to swing from the loving and compassionate feelings you have if you still love him and the venom and disgust felt for his betrayal.

The most important thing is to see that whilst compassion is a good thing, it must never, ever cloud your judgment or make you make decisions based on:
fear (that he might harm himself in some way)
or pity (sad as it/ he is, it’s his shit to deal with, he chose to do this)
or guilt (oh, he’s so sorry, I’d feel like a terrible person not to give him another chance).

You feel that compassion, yes, but at the same time you give full responsibility for what he did, full accountability, full responsibility for his own healing, to him. Not you, him. He is the one who needs to shape up, face his issues and demons and get help to understand himself better and work out why he did this. You are not a crutch to lean on whilst he heals, he forfeited that right.

Feel sorry for him by all means, it’s not misplaced, you’re a human being, but practise tough love and put your needs first, his needs and his pain are his responsibility and shouldn’t guide your decisions. Pity and compassion now will turn to contempt and resentment in the future if all he has is “woe is me” and “I’m so sorry”. He needs to prove by what he does, by how he treats you from now on, that he feels compassion for your feelings and your healing and is willing to put his feelings aside for you.

Woe is him indeed, it really is, and sorry he most certainly is, too. But guilt, shame and feeling sorry are all about him, all about how this makes him feel. Remorse is where he needs to be.
Remorse differs crucially from just feeling sorry, in that is where he feels so sorry for what he did to you that he makes it all about you: recognising how he made you feel, finding out what you need him to do to make it better for you, how he can put anything at all right for you or improve things, even if it comes at considerable emotional/ practical / financial cost to himself.

It still doesn’t mean you should go back just because he is remorseful though. He can be sorry and full of remorse, but that still might not alter the fact that if it’s broken beyond repair for you, it will remain broken. You can be understanding and compassionate and even forgive someone, but still need to be out of the relationship. That is for you to decide.

Whether you divorce or not, he should still be doing everything he can to mitigate the effect it all has on you if his remorse is real.

Thanks @Thewookiemustgo these are very wise words. I have as you say flicked between rage, disgust and compassion.

Feeling very exhausted today and flicking between anxiety, sadness and exhaustion.

@blueweeknd I second what @Thewookiemustgo says . I too went for midnight wanders, and at times I simply couldn't bear being in the same room and a remorseful man often goes OTT with the 'what are you thinking about/are you alright' kind of schizzle- I had a chronic urge to say 'no I'm not f*** alright' !!! that's why I think space is needed to be able to clear your head and decide if you can go on , without them being in your face.

Just take care of yourself OP, prioritise yourself. If your head is shifting just try basic physical healthcare, try to rest whenever possible, play your favourite music/ tv show or movie to distract yourself, eat and drink little and often if you can. Fluids and sleep are essential and a bit of soup or toast can give you more energy than you think. From a bit of physical well-being your mental strength will survive and flourish. X

• head is whirring, bloody stupid phone auto correct. 🙄

Thanks Wookie, I am just trying to work but the brain fog is awful!

chumplady.com is a great resource for those reeling from an affair, and urges people to leave a cheating partner, not to reconcile. Lots of great advice and posts, and a supportive community. She also has an AMA video on Youtube that's worth checking out. Hugs, so sorry that you're going through this.

so many wise words on this thread that resonate with me, although I don’t like ‘chump lady’ at all! Even the name puts my teeth on edge.

I see my marriage now as better, more open and far stronger, albeit hanging from a weaker thread. I’m not sure if that makes sense.

I'm so sorry OP

Some situations are not for us to understand but to navigate our way around

Your focus and questions need to be about you and your future. You will never know the why x

I found chump lady and the book from there was just angry and really hated cheaters. Which is fine, if you feel you were married to a twat or have been dumped for an OW but it actually just made me feel freaked out!