I'm in crisis: he had an affair

[blueweeknd]

I feel quite in crisis. It happenned a couple of years ago but I only just left him. I am not sure why but this feels like the worst I've felt.

I think leaving him made the real pain and weight of it crush down on me all of a sudden in the realisation of it all.

How was he capable of the things he did?

Why wasn't I valuable enough not to do this?

What is real or not real?

Who am I? Who I thought I was, was his precious girl. His best thing. If I'm not that, who am I?

Do all my memories mean nothing now if I wasn't enough?

Why did the affair partner get the best of him? When I got this traumatised, self loathing wreck?

Did I matter?

I feel also this crushing sense of the loss of everything that felt most important to me. Him. Us. The days. All the smiles.

Chinese takeaways
Christmas movies
Lucozade being brought to you when you've got flu
The beach
Wednesday night date nights
How his face lit up every time he saw me
The house we were going to buy and never did
Kids playing board games
Sunday morning breakfast

If it all felt so absolutely incredibly wonderful and valuable to me, but clearly not to him, then are my happiest times just mirages?

It's like a 50 tonne truck is sitting on top of me and the things which are most precious to me are gone and there's absolutely nobody there to watch it go.

I don't want to hear that he was a bad person, because he wasn't. I'll never understand why he did all he's done but I suppose I will need to accept that the same things weren't precious to him. He says they were, but how can that be true.

He intensely dislikes the person he had an affair with now. So why was it so easy to do, for something so seemingly transient?

He seems worn down by my anger and pain and everything that was once great is now misery. I kept because I dont want him to remember me like that.

What if he remembers his affair as joyful and fun and passionate and he remembers us as hard and sad and unhappy? That feels unfair. We loved each other. We wiped away tears and made jokes and he thought I was funny.

I feel cheated out of that. I want him to remember me like I was. Us like we were. I want to at least have that.

I don’t want to hear that I need to look after myself or do nice things for me or see friends or as if anything can ever be all right again because it won't.

This will always have happened and nothing is ever going to make it all right. I might eventually stop hurting and go on and have some kind of life with someone new or with a rescue dog or hiking some mountain in Peru.

But life will always be worse. This'll be something I carry around inside of me forever. There will be dreams that never happened and grief that hits me like a mack truck when I'm I'm Tesco and some brand of fish fingers reminds me of his face.

What I want to know is what thoughts I can use to comfort myself when it feels unbearable. When it feels like there's no possible way that I can endure another second of how much it hurts.

I can't go to my happy place anymore because my happy place was always him. Holidays to Greece, the little boat we were going to sail around the world, how he used to look at me.

Now my mind is just full of pain and poison and confusion and grief that feels so big that I almost can't breathe.

Tell me what to tell myself so I can keep going.

Have you read cheating in a nutshell? It’s possibly not advisable if you want to reconcile - depending on your personality - from your posts I think it won’t help with reconciliation at all but it may help your processing.

I think you need to feel the pain. Repeat your trauma. Scream shout and rage. Cry when you need to. Exercise like crazy. Tell him he’s an arsehole and tell him to stop his bullshit ‘woe is me’. You need to go through it. Feel it and speak about it until it can be said with less emotion.
Emdr may help. Sack any counsellor who mentions unmet needs.

Do you want to reconcile? It is okay to reconcile or divorce. But make the decision for you.

You cannot make anyone betray their own values or integrity. A vegan doesn’t eat animal products, your Sunday dinner, or jelly trifle won’t tempt them. They are vegan for them. It’s part of who they are. Their values and their integrity. Cheating is the same - I don’t cheat on my husband for me. He’s really annoying at times. I value my word though and therefore I remain faithful for me. If he’s an arsehole Rut doesn’t change my value. He is collateral damage to my actions.

your husband has a but in his values. Some peoples buts are: I am faithful but not if I’m out in a stag do. Or I am faithful but not if my hot colleague approaches me. Or I am faithful but not when I know she won’t find out. What is his But? Has he worked on finding this out?

Until he knows that (I mean really knows that) he isn’t healed and he isn’t repaired. Read the surviving infidelity website.

It’s not you, it was never about you. You aren’t powerful enough to change someone’s integrity or value system. You can’t make a vegan eat a bacon sarnie. It’s not about unmet needs. It’s about integrity and his able to self regulate, meet his own needs, his self esteem, coping mechanisms, ability to lie, compartmentalise, external validation (smoke up the arse). He needs to fix him and you should have just watched.

What are your values - start there and it will help your self esteem.

Urgh, I hate Chump Lady. She just comes across as super bitter/childish. I really like Esther Perel’s work on affairs. She’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I really like this piece she wrote on the three types of affair recovery: https://www.relatenow.co.uk/files/After%20The%20Storm-Esther%20Perel-%20Networker%20July%202010%20_0.pdf

Op , I can tell you it gets easier, that feeling will ease, it might not feel it but one day it won't consume your every thought, it won't hurt as much to think of it .

We worked through ours and 7 yrs later I'm happy , I've more confidence and I know myself better than I ever did . Sending you love

@Fairymcclary I did read that and all the books in the first few months but being honest I was a wreck and probably need to re-read them all to get to grips with it all.

You've got a lot of wisdom in the post you made, thank you. Very astute and a lot of that was spot on.

@Fairymcclary

I am sitting here mulling this over and I think....

your husband has a but in his values. Some peoples buts are: I am faithful but not if I’m out in a stag do. Or I am faithful but not if my hot colleague approaches me. Or I am faithful but not when I know she won’t find out. What is his But? Has he worked on finding this out?

I believe where he had the "but" was to do honesty rather than fidelity. The root of that being with autonomy. I think in his first marriage his ex wife was the complete opposite of me and insisted he do everything she said / wouldn't let him out, so he more or less spent his 20s locked up. He wasn't "allowed" out with friends or anything like that ever.

I think that created two situations: the first one that he felt he'd missed out on "being young", part of a "gang" and not with the "cool kids" so to speak, and the second one is that he has always needed to go to great lengths to maintain a sense of automony.

This wasn't really something I knew because it had never come up. He'd never wanted to go out with the lads or do anything, and if he had I wouldn't have cared in the slightest. But anyway, he was distanced from me for a long time and felt some sense of belonging within the group of colleagues who would often have drinks together on days off or cook together or generally pass the time because there was nowhere to go.

He became friendly with this person, and that is where the but comes in. He was worried if he mentioned it, I would demand he stopped being friends with the person. Truthfully, I am not possessive and I trusted my husband, but had he told me this "friend" was looking after him when he was ill and staying up late listening to him then I would have told him it was inappropriate.

It was obvious to me she was after him, and he probably sensed that but decided he was enjoying his new friend. So therefore it was "I am honest with my wife BUT if there's something I want for me then what she doesn't know won't hurt her".

The rest, I think was exactly as you say. Some kind of emotional dependency was transferred from me to this woman and then he indeed is a person with no ability to self regulate, meet his own needs etc. He has low self esteem, terrible coping mechanisms, incredible capacity to compartmentalise and he desperately needs external validation (smoke up the arse as you put it).

I suppose what made it confusing for me is that he'd more or less thrown away a marriage with someone he really loves, for a bit of sex and companionship with someone he doesn't love. Being irrational isn't his character. Being driven by random sex also isn't his character.

i have been able to see my husband's flaws in all their naked glory through this. Is he a changed man now? Definitely. Are all the above things fixed? No. Not even close. So maybe that's why I never felt I had got what I needed.

@sonicmum2002 I like Chump lady as a person and her opinions and views I think work well if you know that 100% you want out, were with a total twat or you have been dumped for someone else- they don't work quite so well when it's a bit more nuanced than that- you are in two minds, partner has gone nowhere, nor does he want to and it's very much an out of character type of thing. They work well when it's 100% over and you are bloody angry

A book that resonated with me and allowed you to get a glimpse inside the head of an unfaithful person (although I hate the title and it can be a blunt instrument in places) was Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss, but it’s about what is necessary for reconciliation, aimed at the unfaithful and I was reconciling and not leaving. Staying or leaving, though, I think it does a reasonable job of discussing the ‘whys’ of infidelity and could be useful to those leaving a relationship too, to help wrap your head around the psychology behind it and stop any destructive thinking that might pop up about yourself and it places the blame squarely where it should be: on him. Even if I’d left my husband it would have helped me to see it all more clearly and stop me feeling less-than.

I might give that one another read Wookie! It was all so long ago and I was a ball of anxiety at the time.

That ‘but’ is, in part, blaming his ex wife. Why did he not feel happy to express his unhappiness to his ex wife? Why does he feel lies of omission are okay? Why choose to remarry if you are not ready? Why promise to forsake others if he needs to be young and go out? No one dragged him screaming up the aisle. Why did he bother?

The ex kept him locked up - had he ever been unfaithful with her? Had something hinted he may be? or is he afraid of confrontation? Not wanting the argument of going out? I hate to say it but is there more to his unfaithful story? They often only admit a bit - controlling their truth so people don’t see the worse in them. Controlling for their own gain as they feel others wouldn’t like the real them. Why did they split?

When in his childhood/adolescent did he learn it was ok to lie by omission? Does he do this elsewhere in his life? Work, with his parents? Why was the need to be a cool kid important? Did he watch his friends get girlfriends and he didn’t? Why did his self worth rely on being a cool kid? What is missing out? Why was doing well at school (presumably) perceived by him as less cool? Was he bullied for it?

Why does he need smoke up his arse? Why does he have a black hole inside him that he requires external validation to fill? Why can’t he self validate?

Marriage meets 80% of someone’s needs if they are lucky, some people feel they deserve 100% of their needs to be met. But they don’t feel their spouse deserves the same.The spouse is meant to be faithful while cheater gets ALL of their needs met. If they were fair they would let the spouse join the party. But instead they skulk around like a 13 year old with cigarettes behind the bike sheds. If someone is unhappy they have 3 choices - put up with it, talk or leave.

He made 1000’s of poor choices. Not mistakes - mistakes are spilling your cup of tea or leaving the washing out in the rain. Why did he choose those choices? Does he accept he made the choices? Or does he use mistake?

The hardest part is cheaters have low self worth, poor coping mechanisms, inability to self soothe/regulate, need external validation, poor communication skills, hate confrontation etc etc and that is why they struggle to do the work well enough to reconcile. They need to work out what in their dark distant past caused them to have a BUT. Not a superficial reason but the real reason from the depth of their soul. Where they recognise they are not the good person they felt they were. They also need to do this while allowing their spouse to rage, cry and show PTSD symptoms that THEY caused. To ask ‘are you okay’ knowing that could cause you to rage at him - instead they stay silent as he’s scared to remind you - not realising anything he says won’t remind you as it’s with you 24/7 anyway.

The fallout is unbelievable and cheaters are not strong enough of character in the main - which is why many divorce 2-5 years later. When the dust starts to settle and the betrayed person looks at their spouse and realises they don’t know the person in front of them and they are incapable of even knowing why they did it (or often incapable of admitting what they fully did). Then the betrayed walks, often due to the lies and partners inability to do the work.

Now here is my curveball - Op are you sure your marriage is done? Is he capable of doing the work? Could he fix his void? Any counsellor who talks about unmet needs will not help. Some cheaters use the counsellor to receive their ego kibbles and smoke butt. It won’t work unless he really works hard. If he doesn’t work hard he’ll want ego kibbles in the future and he’s a danger to you. But you obviously love each other. Your pain I can hear through your posts and his through the texts. what books has he read?

For you - read ‘love myself like my life depends on it - by Ravikant’. Do the exercises daily. It really works. Gottmans work is good if you want to turn towards a partner. A Gottman counsellor - expensive but knowledgable. And many whys.

Oh and he has a but in fidelity too. He has to have or he wouldn’t have cheated. You cannot make someone cheat or drink drive or eat meat if they truly believe in fidelity/not drink during/veganism. If it’s their core value you cannot make them throw it away. Your generous offer of a cocktail, or a night out with the girls, a tipple to wet the babies head, or you teasing or taunting ‘just have one’ will not make a teetotal person drink some alcohol. It just won’t. It’s part of their value system. It’s part of their core self.

I don’t stay faithful for my husband I stay faithful for me. I have to look in the mirror at myself, I will live the rest of my life with me. I want to look at a woman who sticks to her word, that didn’t cheat even when times were hard. That - gives me integrity, self worth and helps my self esteem far more than any fumble behind that bike shed and NOONE can take that integrity away from me.

his ex wife was the complete opposite of me and insisted he do everything she said / wouldn't let him out, so he more or less spent his 20s locked up. He wasn't "allowed" out with friends or anything like that ever

Was this due to cheating or inappropriate behaviour on his part though?

(It's not the right response to cheating, obviously.. but is the response of many people).

Some men have a habit of saying their ex was controlling/cheated on them etc. But omit to mention that he cheated on her or similar, and that's what was driving her behaviour.

You could just be seeing the continuation of a pattern of behaviour, of a reflection of his character; rather than a response to a controlling relationship.

That ‘but’ is, in part, blaming his ex wife. Why did he not feel happy to express his unhappiness to his ex wife? Why does he feel lies of omission are okay? Why choose to remarry if you are not ready? Why promise to forsake others if he needs to be young and go out? No one dragged him screaming up the aisle. Why did he bother?

And this.

His character led him to stay in an apparently controlling relationship. He could have gotten out or at the very least asserted himself, you're talking about his 20s spent like that, that's a decade. Clearly something about ithe relationship suited him just fine. I'd be interested to hear his ex's side.

Even if he was faithful throughout (and I find that quite difficult to imagine of someone who couldn't resist cheating on a spouse in the 30s, given that I found cheating to be rife among ppl in their late teens/early 20s (because socialising tends to be a lot bigger and freer, as such, than when people get older, avd many more ppl are single, or in shorter term relationships, and many ppl haven't developed the maturity & learned lessons about cheating yet etc) .......

You still clearly have character issues there that lead to a previous highly dysfunctional LTR (from both sides) and now he's created a, surprise surprise, highly dysfunctional relationship (by which I mean, it would have failed due to his actions, if you weren't considering accepting betrayal, infidelity, deceit etc. and trying to maintain the relationship).

And as pp said; he didn't need to dive into another ltr and get married; if he felt he missed out on dating multiple people or socialising during his 20s, why didn't he do that for as long as it took to feel he'd redressed the balance. And/or do some work on himself, counselling; if feasible. He's not even got the bio clock pressure that women have.

And what does the socialising really matter, if you're in a normal, well adjusted relationship; you can do plenty of socialising both with and without your partner. The two are not mutually exclusive.
If the socialising leads you to cheat; you clearly shouldn't be in a relationship, let alone a marriage.

Dear Blueweekend, I am so so sorry for you. Thirty years ago I went through exactly the same as this so I know how you feel.

However my husband and I are still together and are now in our late seventies and have a happy life with our children and our grandchildren. It was certainly incredibly hard at the beginning with lots of tears and feeling lost and rage at how he could have done such a thing.

I agree with everything Wookie says and if you want to think about getting back together I would just like to add a couple of things.

Like you, I loved my husband and my life with him and I hated to think that it was gone so I bloody well decided I wasn't going to give it up without a fight. I knew it would never be exactly the same but I determined that that was what I wanted so I
kept going.

I feel that you and your husband should go back to counselling, mostly for him. My husband, like your husband, did not want us to break up so it was a combined effort to get us through. I feel that your husband has not yet learned how to cope with his guilt and how to support you in this time. You are the one who has been hurt yet it seems to me as he is only thinking about himself.

My husband and I don't often talk about this horrible time in our life together but when we do he always says it was the worst thing he has ever done.

Much love xxxx

@blueweeknd you can read stuff too soon, sometimes. I always find reading material when I come across something I don’t understand and believe knowledge is power in a crisis. However in any kind of trauma, reading about what you are going through and exposing yourself to more narrative about it can bring constant triggering and/ or make you feel inadequate (‘I couldn’t possibly achieve that‘ etc) or stumble over something that makes you feel worse or is a step too far because of how terrible you feel. Trying to wrap your head round self-help when every day is about survival (not panicking, not crying in public etc) can be traumatising in itself. Read when you feel curious. When you’re ready to take on board lots of differing views (like here!) and are strong enough to absorb what’s helpful and disregard the rest.

For ease:

I know it makes a tasty story, but no he didn't cheat on his ex wife. He got married very young after his (single) mother died. The reasons aren't a mystery.

No he never cheated on anyone before. His ex wife just didn't want him to have a life outside the home and that was what caused the marriage breakdown.

No he didn't jump into another marriage. There was 11 years between them.

@blueweeknd it does sound like there's still love there (both ways) beneath the fury, disappointment and general WTF. I get that totally. I would keep the distance and see a counsellor yourself and then see how it goes and not make any rash decisions. It's easy to say LTB - and I know I felt like that too , but it's very much an individual thing and much easier to say if you 100% want out. I think you are not quite there yet

I didn't mention it because it makes a "tasty" story.

I mentioned it because I've heard time and time again of men saying their exes were controlling/possessive/hard work, or cheated on them ..... For it to come out in the wash in the very long term; that they cheated, not the ex, or the ex cheated after they cheated, or the possessive/hard work behaviour was due them (the men) cheating or at the very least acting appropriately.

The exes voices are never heard because the new partner has no contact with them, and any contact that included conversations on those subjects would be considered highly inappropriate. If the exes try to tell the new partner about it, they are depicted as jealous, can't move on, trying to destroy the new relationship, bitter, lying etc etc. That's why the vast majority don't even try, as you see on here.
I'd never presume anyone has the full truth from a man's mouth - a proven cheater man - about the exact circumstances of previous relationships and their breakdowns. And his family is usually flattering & protective to him too.
It's quite ironic thar men who've proven to be liars and deceivers' word about previous relationships is taken as gospel by the women they've actually cheated on.

I'm very confused about you attributing his desire to socialise during your relationship, and the fact that cheated while socialising separately to him not having his 20s to socialise ..... And how to reconcile that with you now saying he had 11 years between relationships/marriages.
How come he didn't redress the balance during that time (a balance which he was equally responsible for, because he should have ended a controlling relationship, or at least asserted himself)?

This is what I'm referring to btw

*The root of that being with autonomy. I think in his first marriage his ex wife was the complete opposite of me and insisted he do everything she said / wouldn't let him out, so he more or less spent his 20s locked up. He wasn't "allowed" out with friends or anything like that ever.

I think that created two situations: the first one that he felt he'd missed out on "being young", part of a "gang" and not with the "cool kids" so to speak, and the second one is that he has always needed to go to great lengths to maintain a sense of automony.

This wasn't really something I knew because it had never come up. He'd never wanted to go out with the lads or do anything, and if he had I wouldn't have cared in the slightest. But anyway, he was distanced from me for a long time and felt some sense of belonging within the group of colleagues who would often have drinks together on days off or cook together or generally pass the time because there was nowhere to go.*

How come all this "missed out on" socialising and feeling part of a group and feeling autonomous wasn't resolved during the 11 years (!)

But anyway ..... He could socialise and he could be part of a social group and he could feel autonomy in his life; without cheating on you with one of the group.
That was not inevitable or excuseable. He was married, he shouldn't have crossed the many lines and stop signs he crossed/ploughed past, both emotionally and physically. Where is his integrity and loyalty.

He's a wrong un.

I don't think you know him.

So sorry OP, I really hear your pain. There have been some real words of wisdom on this thread, I don't have anything to add but kind thoughts x

@GilbertMarkham I really didn't want this to end up being a thread defending my husband, which I know is probably a danger when a "cheating man" comes into play but I will answer all the questions...

He made 1000’s of poor choices. Not mistakes - mistakes are spilling your cup of tea or leaving the washing out in the rain

I know.

Why did he choose those choices?

I think it's been elucidated a lot already by the posters here what likely reasons are, but you also probably nailed it fairly well yourself. Truthfully though, I don't fully know.

Does he accept he made the choices?

Yes

Op are you sure your marriage is done?

Not sure, but it feels like it.

Is he capable of doing the work? Could he fix his void?

I honestly don't know, I just don't think he has done it yet that's for sure. I think he's changed a great deal and would never make the same choices, but I am not sure that he hasn't just made the damaged bits of himself even more damaged by doing this.

What books has he read?

A few, he was less keen than me (part of the problem). He has started reading again a lot since I left. Says he's downloaded audio books. He's trying.

I didn't mention it because it makes a "tasty" story

I am sorry if I was snippy, I just feel I know my husband. People saying he was a cheater before or lied about his ex wife is just hurtful. Those things just aren't true.

I mentioned it because I've heard time and time again of men saying their exes were controlling/possessive/hard work, or cheated on them ..... For it to come out in the wash in the very long term; that they cheated, not the ex, or the ex cheated after they cheated, or the possessive/hard work behaviour was due them (the men) cheating or at the very least acting appropriately

Understand, but that's not the case here.

The exes voices are never heard because the new partner has no contact with them, and any contact

I have coparented for close to half a century. Had her over for Christmas. She's not a terrible person, but his take on her seems accurate and congruent with everything else I have seen. At times she absolutely infuriates me. For example she kept their youngest back from university because she didn't want to be alone, and now she's started uni it will be at a nearby uni living at home. She is just a person who wants people to sacrifice to meet her needs. Not saying this is evil, but I feel bad for my step DC who has become an adult far too young and missed out on her own life / being young because she always needs to "look after Mum".

I'm very confused about you attributing his desire to socialise during your relationship, and the fact that cheated while socialising separately to him not having his 20s to socialise

You're not really understanding. He didn't want to socialise during our relationship, wasn't held back from it anyway. He just wanted to be with me. He had hobbies of his own and work friends but he'd not once in nine years wanted a boys trip or a night out with the lads. I just figured that was who he was because he never asked!

Of course he had freedom to do it (both married to me and before he met me) but I don't think psychological issues work like that. There is an ingrained part of him that just remembers being told he wasn't allowed to have fun, and when the circumstances appeared, this gave him some kind of sense of entitlement and a feeling he should keep it from me because he had a hangover of sorts from his adolescence over being blocked from that.

He isn't raging to go out on the piss. He doesn't want to do that at all now. I think just faced with circustamstances where "joining in" and perhaps acting like a teenager looked fun, there was a bit of him that thought "why not, I deserve this" and resorted to a really maladaptive way of - as you say - skulking around like a 13 year old.

How come he didn't redress the balance during that time (a balance which he was equally responsible for

I don't think he felt it until he was put in that set of circumstances. His idea of fun was always hanging out with me or going to a barbecue with our friends.

Because he should have ended a controlling relationship, or at least asserted himself)?

He knows that now, but he didn't when he was 17, 18, 19, 20, 21 etc. I don't think he had any clue at all. Of course we all grow up and learn.

@Fairymcclary

I don’t stay faithful for my husband I stay faithful for me. I have to look in the mirror at myself, I will live the rest of my life with me. I want to look at a woman who sticks to her word, that didn’t cheat even when times were hard. That - gives me integrity, self worth and helps my self esteem far more than any fumble behind that bike shed and NOONE can take that integrity away from me

I feel exactly the same way. I can't imagine disrespecting myself like that, but maybe not all people feel the same inside.

@ThirtyYearsLater

I read your post when I woke up this morning. It really made me cry. I had to take time to sit and properly respond to it.

I am so touched by your story. I have a much beloved family member who had a similar story and they grew old together so much in love after going through the same.

I am not sure why I have struggled quite as much as I have.

I feel that your husband has not yet learned how to cope with his guilt and how to support you in this time. You are the one who has been hurt yet it seems to me as he is only thinking about himself

This, sadly, is very true. He tries so much, so hard, but it feels he is always trying the wrong things and it's obvious to me when we go through these things that he can't cope with the guilt and can't fully support me because that gets in the way. It's a heavy feeling I have had for a long time and I suppose I feel hopeless that he can get there.

It's so hard to explain how this manifests. I just, at times, feel like his shoulders aren't broad enough and I have sucked so much of this back inside myself because - well - I love him. Seeing him hating himself or crying doesn't make me feel good.

So somehow instead of "working through it" it became tears, rage pain that was never quite dealt with adequately and got locked into a box which made me wither inside, while the guilt made him wither too.

We feel lost, individually and collectively. But as you say maybe counselling would have been the right route.

My husband and I don't often talk about this horrible time in our life together but when we do he always says it was the worst thing he has ever done

I am so glad you found peace from it.

Much love back to you

xx

You write about your ex husband with real regret. You loved your life and you enjoyed being part of the family. It sounds as if things fell apart over COVID and he lived apart from you and depended on his colleagues for friendship and emotional support.
It also sounds as if your children are off to university and you have the opportunity to spend quality time as a couple.
You can make the decision to walk away. I have a friend whose husband behaved as yours did. In fact he really wasn't a very nice man. She made the decision to divorce and split their lives. They have now been divorced ten years. In the meantime their children have married and had their own families. Her ex husband has married his childhood sweetheart and he appears very happy.
My friend is full of anger that he gets to play happy families with his children and grandchildren. He also has a new extended family through his new partner. ( although they have been together eight years now).
She minds being on her own. Taking turns at Christmas. She really likes his new wife and accepts that she is a kind step granny.
However in her narrative her ex husband would have been alone whereas he is happily paired off. My friend is alone and feels bitter.
Consider your options and what you really really want.You can build a new life free of the resentment. You can try and forgive and put it behind you. Only you know if you are capable of that.

Thank you all, and I have tried to respond - @Crikeyalmighty and @Thewookiemustgo , thank you again for the kindness.

My best friend told me this morning her husband is having an affair, and he wants a divorce. Apparently he's in love with this new woman (22 years younger, no less) and he's pulled the cheaters script on her with bells on ("she makes me feel a way you never did").

I feel a really overblown set of emotions over this.

• I really respected this marriage until a couple of years ago when he started being unpleasant consistently to my BF and I feel a bit like any good marriage can maybe involve one person suddenly changing and so on and it's an unstable thought.

• I felt really overblown empathy, almost to flashback level where I can almost feel her pain like it is happening to me and found myself throwing up with severe chest pains.

• It brought back all the memories of my calls and messages with her a few years ago when I had this bombshell dropped on me (albeit very different circumstances)

• It made me feel (sorry this sounds twisted) almost lucky at the way my DH behaved - telling me how sorry he was, crying, hyperventilating, saying he loved me and not her and how much I needed all that, and feeling bereft my BF is being deprived of a remorseful cheater.

My DH messaged me a lot this morning to comfort me and be supportive. He ended up mentioning he is seriously looking into buying our dream house and I had a really bad reaction to it.

I feel like he's excluding me from my dream (the dream home) and that is making me feel like I felt when I was excluded from our marriage. I know this is probably a mad reaction and he thinks he is doing something nice to try and get me to come "home", but to me it feels like something he is going and not we are doing and that therefore just feels sad and painful.

Like I am grieving "our life" and he is going on to live it without me?