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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating across the pond

114 replies

thatladyinred · 14/09/2023 17:32

I've been talking to a guy that I met online for over five years now. We are both mid 30's. He lives in the states and I'm in the UK.
We go though periods of sometimes talking every day, sometimes multiple times a day.
Then go for a few weeks of not talking at all.
We video chat so I know at least he is who he claims to be physically.
I'm so drawn to him and love our conversations.
He wants to meet up and has offered to pay for my ticket to go to New Jersey for a weekend.
I'm so tempted. I feel you only live once and it's been five years so there's definitely a connection there.
Would you go if you really liked someone or am I being crazy for even considering it?

OP posts:
LusaBatoosa · 14/09/2023 18:06

Nope. If he wants to see you, he can come here. Planes fly in both directions.

Do you have much else going on in your life? What’s your relationship history been like?

Original poster
thatladyinred · 14/09/2023 18:36

I have plenty going on in my life. Does my post make it seem like I don't?

OP posts:
Original poster
thatladyinred · 14/09/2023 18:39

I'm genuinely curious. As I'm well educated with plenty of friends.
Dating history is fine. No horror stories!
You're right though. He should come to me

OP posts:
SamW98 · 14/09/2023 19:25

Personally I’d go and take a few extra days to visit New York while I was there.

Original poster
thatladyinred · 14/09/2023 19:26

SamW98 · 14/09/2023 19:25

Personally I’d go and take a few extra days to visit New York while I was there.

I totally agree. I think I'll do that. Thank you for your reply

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 14/09/2023 19:27

I think the issue is that you have been chatting to a man who lives thousands of miles away for 5 years and consider yourself to be dating him.

Is there really no one closer? Do you consider yourself to he 'in a relationship' with him are you 'faithful' to him? Do you presume he is to you? Does he know you think you're dating?

Do you meet men in real life?

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 14/09/2023 19:27

Go for it especially as he's paying for your ticket.

Original poster
thatladyinred · 14/09/2023 20:06

GreyCarpet · 14/09/2023 19:27

I think the issue is that you have been chatting to a man who lives thousands of miles away for 5 years and consider yourself to be dating him.

Is there really no one closer? Do you consider yourself to he 'in a relationship' with him are you 'faithful' to him? Do you presume he is to you? Does he know you think you're dating?

Do you meet men in real life?

I didn't say I was dating him. I was asking. Clearly it's not the right move

OP posts:
LusaBatoosa · 14/09/2023 20:54

thatladyinred · 14/09/2023 18:39

I'm genuinely curious. As I'm well educated with plenty of friends.
Dating history is fine. No horror stories!
You're right though. He should come to me

I only ask because chatting to someone online for five years with what appears to be romantic intent is fairly unusual and I was wondering if you were doing it instead of meeting/dating men in real life. I couldn’t tell from the OP and I didn’t want to assume, so figured I’d ask.

You agreed with me that he should come to
you, then immediately agreed with another poster that you should go, then agreed with the next that it’s a bad idea. What do you want to do? In an absolutely perfect world, how would you like this to play out? Figure that out and then go with the course of action most likely to bring that about.

FedUpOfItA · 14/09/2023 20:59

Whatever you do, don't stay with him. You only know his online self and not his real self.

Original poster
thatladyinred · 14/09/2023 21:25

I already know I'm going to get roasted:
Does anyone believe in forgiveness

OP posts:
Original poster
thatladyinred · 14/09/2023 21:26

GreyCarpet · 14/09/2023 19:27

I think the issue is that you have been chatting to a man who lives thousands of miles away for 5 years and consider yourself to be dating him.

Is there really no one closer? Do you consider yourself to he 'in a relationship' with him are you 'faithful' to him? Do you presume he is to you? Does he know you think you're dating?

Do you meet men in real life?

I hear your point. There is no one else.

OP posts:
LusaBatoosa · 14/09/2023 21:41

thatladyinred · 14/09/2023 21:25

I already know I'm going to get roasted:
Does anyone believe in forgiveness

Why do you ask? And why are you going to get roasted? Is there more?

Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 09:13

I'm sorry I had to go to work so left the thread without much explanation.
I do meet men in real life of course. I'm just not usually attracted to them.
I think most people would agree that it's not often that you meet someone who 'blows your socks off' and that's what he did for me.
I know feelings can be fleeting but that feeling hasn't left me in 5 years. So I'm inclined to think there must be something engaging me.

OP posts:
Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 09:18

The reason I know I'm going to get roasted is because he can't come here (England) due to being on life probation. He's not in prison but he can't leave the country ever.
I would never normally engage with such a person. But if what he's telling me is true then I don't blame him for what he did and I'd do the same too.

OP posts:
Sugarcoatt · 15/09/2023 09:18

Realistically you can’t date or live together. He’d literally have to marry you for you to get permission to live there, and vice versa. Marrying someone you haven’t even been able to date or live with is a huge leap. Whoever emigrates would basically be giving up their entire life - friends, family and everything. It’s not realistic to think you have any future.

CinnamonBear · 15/09/2023 09:20

You don't know this guy and have allowed your romantic imagination to grow for five years. I know there was COVID travel restrictions in the middle of all this, but you both should of met ages ago. Why doesn't he want to visit the UK? You'd be safer in a place you are familiar with.

If you do meet, meet on neutral grounds and don't stay with him. Make sure you have the money to make an escape of your have to. Tell friends and family where you are going and where you will be.

Also go on some expat forums, ukyankee is one of them, and read both the positive and negative stories of meet ups just you are aware of how these things go. Please go into this with your eyes open.

Ragwort · 15/09/2023 09:23

You sound incredibly naïve OP, of course he's built this 'relationship' up .. he's probably loving the attention. There's a reason why he can't leave the country and you know full well what it is, even if you choose to believe his story.

There are millions of men in the world, why the fixation on this one?

CinnamonBear · 15/09/2023 09:24

Don't do it. Unless you can go to the US on your own steam and get a job on your own. You'll be making yourself very vulnerable.

Have you googled the news reports for the crime he committed that he got lifetime probation for?

It is not uncommon for abusers to get foreign partners to move to them and then the abuse starts. People on fiance and marriage visas are so vulnerable.

Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 09:28

CinnamonBear · 15/09/2023 09:24

Don't do it. Unless you can go to the US on your own steam and get a job on your own. You'll be making yourself very vulnerable.

Have you googled the news reports for the crime he committed that he got lifetime probation for?

It is not uncommon for abusers to get foreign partners to move to them and then the abuse starts. People on fiance and marriage visas are so vulnerable.

I know. That's why I'm dubious. But I do have a sister and very good friend in the states so I wouldn't be completely alone or vulnerable.

OP posts:
Mum1976Mum · 15/09/2023 09:50

Have you actually read why you get lifetime probation in New Jersey?

The sentence of parole supervision for life (PSL) is mandatory in New Jersey for anyone convicted of certain sex offenses, including sexual assault, endangering the welfare of a child and sex crimes against a kidnapping victim under age 16.

You seriously want to be with a man convicted of any of these? I suspect he hasn’t told you the truth.

mindutopia · 15/09/2023 09:53

Based on your update, no. I would not. If he wasn't on probation for life 😳and banned from international travel, yes, I would as long as you stayed somewhere separate and safe (in NYC, not NJ, so you aren't reliant on him to drive you around).

But no way would I even consider going on a date with a man who lived one town over who I knew had done something so serious that he is on life probation. I have a family member in the US who sexually abused his own child - he only got 3 years probation!

I wouldn't touch this with a barge pole. Let the conversation fizzle out and delete.

mindutopia · 15/09/2023 10:11

Also, OP, if you are determined to meet this man, please run a background check on him first. I've done it in the US. It cost me $100. I had a private investigator pull someone's criminal record. It was the information I needed to confirm my suspicions and gave me really critical information that the people involved had not be forthcoming with. There is a really good, woman-run PI agency in Philadelphia who I'm sure you can easily find if you google and I'd recommend them. They did everything in about a 5 day turnaround and were very helpful.

CinnamonBear · 15/09/2023 10:13

thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 09:28

I know. That's why I'm dubious. But I do have a sister and very good friend in the states so I wouldn't be completely alone or vulnerable.

Show quote history

But how close are they to NJ? Don't underestimate how large the US is and how long it can take to get somewhere especially if any of you live far away from a travel hub.

He might not be able to sponsor you anyway depending on how he earned lifetime probation: https://austinimmigrationattorney.com/can-i-sponsor-someone-if-i-have-a-criminal-record/

OP there are so many red flags here. Please be safe.

Can I Sponsor Someone if I Have a Criminal Record?

If you want to sponsor your spouse or family member for a green card, you may wonder if your criminal history will prevent your sponsorship.

https://austinimmigrationattorney.com/can-i-sponsor-someone-if-i-have-a-criminal-record

Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 10:24

mindutopia · 15/09/2023 10:11

Also, OP, if you are determined to meet this man, please run a background check on him first. I've done it in the US. It cost me $100. I had a private investigator pull someone's criminal record. It was the information I needed to confirm my suspicions and gave me really critical information that the people involved had not be forthcoming with. There is a really good, woman-run PI agency in Philadelphia who I'm sure you can easily find if you google and I'd recommend them. They did everything in about a 5 day turnaround and were very helpful.

This is very helpful. Thank you so much.

OP posts:
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