Counsellor didn't recognise abuse

[Superlambaanana]

I have recently come out of a 9 year relationship with someone I now believe was emotionally abusive. We did counselling last year and I recorded the sessions on voicememos on my phone. (Not for any sinister reason, and mever told anyone I did this. It was just so I could listen back later to fully absorb the points). At the time we felt the therapy helped. The relationship went on for another 15 months before we broke up finally.

At one of the sessions I said I sometimes felt afraid of him and he blew up in the therapy room. The therapist then suggested we do solo sessions for the next two weeks. I just listened back to my solo session and it is so glaringly obvious to me now that I was in an abusive, controlling relationship.

I told her numerous stories in that solo session about how he went mad if I didn't immediately agree to what he said. That I had made massive changes in my life as a result of him making nasty comments about me (I stopped drinking and smoking, lost weight, moved because he wanted to etc etc). That he shut me down by shouting in my face in a really scary way if I tried to talk about any issues. That once he'd calmed down I was always expected to never mention the issue/ row again.

And I told her I was afraid of being alone and that was pretty much the only reason why I stayed with him, but I also felt he pushed me to be a better person by forcing me to do things to improve myself.

She asked me why I said I was scared in the previous session - did I feel he would be violent? and when I said no, I'm afraid when he shouts in my face and I'm afraid I'll be trapped forever in a miserable relationship, she said "well he and I assumed you meant violence when you said you are frightened. That's why he blew up. You should have put it differently last week and you need to think about how you say things' FFS!

This wasn't some two bit, barely trained counsellor. She owned a large counselling company and we paid a premium to have her as one of the most experienced relationship counsellors in the area.

I know that doesn't mean she's not useless. But honestly aren't these people trained to sniff out abuse. I honestly think if she had probed a bit more perhaps I would have woken up to the bleeding obvious and got out far sooner!

I feel like reporting her! But obviously I can't reveal I have it all on tape!

Advice?

What is it you’d be reporting her for? In this instance it looks like she’s advising you to explain what you mean more fully in one specific situation.

I would report her. He blew up in a session and she basically told you it was his fault.

She’s a shitty counselor.

And of course when a man routinely shouts in your face you are afraid of violence. It was a dumb question for her to ask.

I would report her - why shouldn't you record those sessions? Lucky for you that you did, too.

If they insist you're not allowed to record the session, then it's just your word against hers/theirs. If you're told you should have informed them before recording then you wouldn't be getting a "normal" session, would you?

I can sort of see her point - if the man was never violent to you it is a big deal to openly suggest that he is

Being called a women beater is not great

They both interpreted what you said the same way - which I think is a misunderstanding

Dont go after the woman? Call her and tell her at least and see what she says

Not sure it is helpful to be ruminating in this one thing either

I agree she let you down op.

What? OP didn't call him a wife beater. She said she was afraid of him. Please reread the post and you'll see why.

well he and I assumed you meant violence when you said you are frightened. That's why he blew up. You should have put it differently last week and you need to think about how you say things

So she told you your tone and words need adjusting? That it's your fault he got angry? Wow.

Definitely report her x

Yes and it was a misunderstanding whether you like it or not!

Can people not have a misunderstanding in your orbit @Sucette

Unless you prefer to believe the therapist was being deliberately malicious- but why would she?!

I also see her point.

She asked you in your solo session to clarify what you meant, and explained the miscommunication which had led to the anger. Yes anger isn’t great, but if DH and I were in counselling or in fact in any situation and he lied and said I had done something that sinister, I would also be angry.

It’s not helpful for you to stew on this now that the relationship is over, I would try and let it go.

This is why joint counselling with an abuser is never a good idea, the abuser manipulates the counsellor and the victim is left worse off. Not that I'm blaming you for going to joint counselling @Superlambaanana , I understand why you did.

It sounds like she doesn't understand that not all abuse is violent. I don't know what the answer is. It might be that more specific training would help her see bigger pictures with her clients or it could be that she feels she knows enough. The difficulty if you do anything about this will be how you got your proof, that might negate any complaint or follow up you want to raise.

@Mrsttcno1 OP didn't lie about anything so not sure where you're getting that from.

This is why couples counselling is not recommended when there's abuse, the counsellors are often blind to it because the abusers are so good at manipulating people. It is shocking that she didn't pick up on the abuse but at the same time I'm not that surprised.

I was having solo counselling around the beginning of my previous abusive relationship. I can remember telling him "I never look forward to seeing him, I always really dread it. I don't want to be in this relationship but I don't know how to get out. I'm scared of how he'll react". My counsellors response? "Hmm, yeah, it's a tricky one". 🙄

I do still feel a bit angry towards him because that was near the beginning and would have saved me the worst of it if he'd referred me to somewhere like Women's Aid at the time. I think what I said made it obvious I was being abused, but his blasé response contributed to me thinking "I must just be making a massive deal over nothing. My partner (now ex) must be right". I don't understand how they don't realise when it's so bloody obvious!

Superlambaanana

As Garihairy writes this sort of scenario is why joint counselling with an abuser is never a good idea, the abuser manipulates the counsellor and the victim is left worse off. Abusers are master manipulators and they can manipulate counsellors into siding with them.

Abuse is not a relationship issue. Relationship counseling can help partners understand each other, resolve difficult problems, and even help the couple gain a different perspective on their situation. It cannot, however, fix the unequal power structure that is characteristic of an abusive relationship.
An abuser may use what is said in therapy later against their partner. Therapy can make a person feel vulnerable. If the abuser is embarrassed or angered by something said in therapy, he or she may make their partner suffer to gain back the sense of control. Therapy is often considered a “safe space” for people to talk. For an abused partner, that safety doesn’t necessarily extend to their home.

Abuse is about power and control and your ex wanted absolute here.

As for your own self I would consider enrolling onto the Freedom Programme as this is for those who have been in an abusive relationship. Your boundaries, perhaps already skewed by previous abuse, have been further eroded by this abusive individual now. Men like this take time, perhaps years even, to recover from.

Couples often enter couple’s therapy to fix their relationship. Deciding whether or not the relationship is better is extremely hard for a couple if one is being abused. The abuser has all of the power and can no longer gauge if a relationship is getting better because he/she does not see what their partner sees. The abused partner often cannot even rate how bad or good the relationship is because the abuse has affected him/her.

Another reason that couple’s therapy or counseling is not recommended is that the facilitator may not know about the abuse, which would make the entire process ineffective. The abuser may make their partner seem responsible for the problems, and if the therapist does not realize that abuse is present, he or she may believe the abuser.

@yellowsmileyface What I mean by “lie”, is that OP has said she felt afraid of him. Whichever which way you dress that up, that’s a very clear inference in my opinion (and clearly also in that of the counsellor and the ex) that he has been physically violent. If that is not the case, then that’s a very serious accusation. Perhaps I’ve used the wrong word in saying “lie”, but in saying you are scared of someone there is a strong suggestion there of physical violence. If that has not been the case, you can see why the man has got his back up about what would feel like a false accusation.

The tricky thing with counselling in general, is that they are really a sounding board for your thoughts. Counsellor's have to be very careful not to put words in your mouth, which can mean that in situations like this they can make you feel a little unsupported. I suppose they hold a mirror up to your feelings and help you work through them, rather than push or pull you in any particular direction. So it may well be that they do realise but they have to tread carefully.

And with regards to reporting it, counsellors in the UK actually have very little legal duty to report anything. They have a legal duty to report anything to do with acts of terror/terrorism, or if you threaten to harm yourself or others, but outside of that it’s a counsellors discretion what to report if anything.

Couples counselling is so you can both explore issues in the relationship in a safe place. It’s not her job to advise you or make judgements, she is there to facilitate your exploration and for you to find your own judgment.

You were not being violently abused, so she didn’t do anything wrong per se. Abuse comes in all forms, but it’s nigh on impossible to convince someone they are being abused, they need to see it for themselves. As you did, it sounds like the counselling did help you to see this relationship was not good for you.

Sounds like her language was clumsy.

It's interesting that your rage is directed at another woman and not the man who put you through years of abuse. You might want to examine that.

@Mrsttcno1 Shouting in someone's face is scary and aggressive behaviour. You don't get to be offended at insinuations of violent behaviour when you shout in your partner's face. She was being 100% honest when she said she was afraid of him, and I disagree that saying you're afraid of someone is basically saying they're physically violent. It's saying you're afraid of them. Anything else is an assumption. Her partner wouldn't have gotten so angry and defensive if he wasn't abusive anyway.

So the flavour of some responses on this thread is women are only ‘allowed’ to be afraid of actual violence? That’s all that’s legitimate? You can’t say you are afraid of being shouted at in your face or any other shit some men do, like treat the kids like shit to take their pissy mood out on you, or give you the silent treatment for a week making you feel unwelcome in your own home and like you are losing your mind etc?

If I get shouted at by a man it makes me afraid even if he isn’t threatening to or likely to hit me. I get really really scared, my heart thumps out of my chest, my whole body shakes and I start to cry. But it’s ok for a man to do that as long as he doesn’t hit me? And a man is justified at ‘blowing up’ in a therapy session if a partner says their behaviour makes them afraid.

right ok.

Being shouted at in the face is a violent act. It's the equivalent of a growling and snarling dog.

OP you're 100% unquestionably right in your judgment.

Makes me sad to hear this from a respected therapist in this day and age 🙁

I disagree with some of the posts. It's perfectly possible to be scared of a shouty, aggressive partner, even if you don't think they're going to physically attack you. You are scared of their shouting, their aggression and you are scared of doing something that tips them into that. You are on eggshells the whole time in case that happens. I have experience of being with a shouty partner who would call me names and deliberately say really horrible things to me out of the blue (at least I never knew what would trigger him). I never thought he would hit me, but I was scared of those outbursts because they were so horrible and scary.

I'm a little distracted by the fact that you recorded sessions without asking permission? surely that's not right?

you should report her - his behaviour, both the one you've described and the one he has shown in the session, was threatening. No physical abuse starts with getting your teeth knocked out - they shout in your face first, they shove you, they push you, then they beat the shit out of you. its a process that you were lucky enough to not see all the way to the end