Counsellor didn't recognise abuse

[Superlambaanana]

I have recently come out of a 9 year relationship with someone I now believe was emotionally abusive. We did counselling last year and I recorded the sessions on voicememos on my phone. (Not for any sinister reason, and mever told anyone I did this. It was just so I could listen back later to fully absorb the points). At the time we felt the therapy helped. The relationship went on for another 15 months before we broke up finally.

At one of the sessions I said I sometimes felt afraid of him and he blew up in the therapy room. The therapist then suggested we do solo sessions for the next two weeks. I just listened back to my solo session and it is so glaringly obvious to me now that I was in an abusive, controlling relationship.

I told her numerous stories in that solo session about how he went mad if I didn't immediately agree to what he said. That I had made massive changes in my life as a result of him making nasty comments about me (I stopped drinking and smoking, lost weight, moved because he wanted to etc etc). That he shut me down by shouting in my face in a really scary way if I tried to talk about any issues. That once he'd calmed down I was always expected to never mention the issue/ row again.

And I told her I was afraid of being alone and that was pretty much the only reason why I stayed with him, but I also felt he pushed me to be a better person by forcing me to do things to improve myself.

She asked me why I said I was scared in the previous session - did I feel he would be violent? and when I said no, I'm afraid when he shouts in my face and I'm afraid I'll be trapped forever in a miserable relationship, she said "well he and I assumed you meant violence when you said you are frightened. That's why he blew up. You should have put it differently last week and you need to think about how you say things' FFS!

This wasn't some two bit, barely trained counsellor. She owned a large counselling company and we paid a premium to have her as one of the most experienced relationship counsellors in the area.

I know that doesn't mean she's not useless. But honestly aren't these people trained to sniff out abuse. I honestly think if she had probed a bit more perhaps I would have woken up to the bleeding obvious and got out far sooner!

I feel like reporting her! But obviously I can't reveal I have it all on tape!

Advice?

@PaintedEgg You don't know that. You only have the OP's account.

With the checking in with the OP - judging how and when to do that can be very complex. If you suspect violence, you don't want to make the suspected perpetrator suspicious that you suspect. Balancing urgency and opportunity is an art.

the apparently violent person blew off at OP in front of the therapist...that's a reason enough to at least send an email with contact number to domestic abuse charities to OP

People get heightened in therapy sessions! Things get aired! That's normal!

And no, that doesn't make it OK. But it's the counsellor's job to think about what the client might be ready for at that time. Sometimes sending an email with, say, DV charity details will just drive a client away.

she said "well he and I assumed you meant violence when you said you are frightened. That's why he blew up."

That's where she was wrong - she said she assumed, which may have been just a poor choice of word, but she also spoke for the man. It's not in her gift to know what he assumed, and she certainly should not have tried to explain or justify his outburst.

The fact that she went on to blame OP for his misbehaviour puts icing on that cake.

People in abusive relationships often feel they can't trust their own memories, as abusers make a point of telling them things didn't happen as they recall. That's why victims feel driven to record exchanges, or at least take notes.

I've had counsellors who barred recording and notes. These days, I'd reject them. Even without any further considerations, the exact course of the therapeutic conversation is crucial and it's reasonable to want notes to assist in working through the process.

that is part of safeguarding! if someone tells you as a therapist they are scared of a person who then proceeds to blow up right in front of you the you potentially losing a patient (money) should not be your primary concern

I precisely answered your question, but again, for the last time - I have lived experience of this and so no, I know I would not assume physical violence had taken place solely based on you telling me you're scared of your partner.

True, we don't know exactly what happened in someone else's counselling session.

I'm responding to your ignorant comments though.

Haven’t read the full thread but YANBU. I have posted about the same issue before. I think it’s a massive problem and led to me staying in an emotionally abusive relationship and things getting worse and worse while I tried harder and harder to fix things.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4623580-to-feel-let-down-by-couples-counsellor-not-spotting-abuse

Of course not!
But the time when the counsellor told her that she should have said things in a different way etc… was a solo session.
Not in the session when her partner was there.
Then she had ample time to explore stuff with the OP.

The strength of his reaction though easily explains why the OP felt scared at home. You might not like hearing that you are violent from your partner but that certainly doesn’t excuse the way he blew up on what was a misunderstanding!

Btw, unless the OP or her DP had mentioned a risk to life (theirs or someone else), the counsellor doesn’t have to refer to the GP or the Police (harm to ourself and harm to someone else). That’s a very different situation than with a child where yes, SS needs to be immediately involved. But two adults? Nope unless let’s say he had threatened to kill her in session etc….
So there was no ‘urgency’ for the counsellor to act on the spot - something she didn’t do anyway, even though she believes frightened=physical violence. And she didn’t have to refer to a DV group etc….

That is totally wrong.

Part of safeguarding might be carrying in with the sessions so the person realise they have to leave or find the strength to do it.

It’s not a problem with ‘loosing money’. It’s about the therapeutic relationship and working within the law.
A pretty normal situation would be for the counsellor to bring that issue in supervision asap to work through what is the next step. Seeing the counsellor reaction, I’m going to guess she didn’t do that either (which imo is unprofessional).

fwiw if someone tells you as a therapist they are scared of a person who then proceeds to blow up right in front of you then the right answer is to stop seeing them together!

I have not read the whole thread just OP. There is not enough information here to report this therapist for any wrong doing. She may have been a bit passive or not have acted as you would have hoped, but that's not the same as a reportable offence.
The therapist is there to help the couple in the most even-handed way possible. The relationship is her client not the two individuals.
What someone else said is correct - there is no obligation to safeguard competent adults, unless there is a clear imminent risk.
I'm curious about this quote :
"well he and I assumed you meant violence when you said you are frightened. That's why he blew up. You should have put it differently last week and you need to think about how you say things'
Is that actually what she said or are you paraphrasing?
I doubt that is what she said. Sorry. If she did then yes that sounds like a lousy intervention. I suspect there is a bit more nuance there.
(I am a therapist including for couples. So I acknowledge I might be biased in defending the therapist)

I agree with this post!

I don't feel any rage at either of them.

I've cycled through anger and feeling a fool and lots of other emotions about him and the relationship.

I'm annoyed that a person who I presume is trained to spot abuse didn't try to tease out what I now realise were obvious signs - he could never take no for an answer, i wasn't allowed to be anything other than happy go lucky all the time (especially after my parents died), i didn't respect him enough or listen to him ( ie do what he wanted all the time). I had to tell him if I was going out how long I would be and if i was late there would be shouting etc etc.

I'm worried that she will miss it again and someone else won't get out in time.

Did you record the actual joint session when he blew up op ?

Are you happy now you have separated ?

Is you ex happier now or are you having problems with him.

Who wanted to separate and who pushed for that ?

Thanks. I got shouted at for saying something he didn't like and just as often screamed at for 'causing an atmosphere' by not speaking. Generally that was because i was afraid of saying anything.

In the therapy he said at one point in a later session that 'there are raised voices but no violence here' and I said 'No there aren't raised voices - only you shout and scream' and he said nothing and she moved on.

It is a bit morally iffy. I had and still have no intention of ever sharing them. It was only for my own use - to listen back so I could make the most of the sessions. But yes I do feel it was risky. And obviously it didn't even help me understand the issues better as it took me over a year to leave and I'm only catching on now that I was trapped in an abusive relationship.

What do you believe my 'real' rationale was?

I was trying my best - as I did throughout the relationship- to objectively consider whether I was being unreasonable and how I could change to be better and not cause him to be so disappointed in me all the time. I haven't and won't ever use the voicememos. I probably will delete them soon. But I'm still trying to unpack how i feel about the relationship. Not obsessively - haven't time for that - but when I have time, to avoid making the same mistakes again and potentially ending up in another unhappy relationship.

Yes I think this is why she asked for/ suggested the solo sessions. And in my solo session I explained he had never hit me but that he could get so angry and all the other issues I was concerned about. The next session with both of us just went back to the same old 'how was your week' conversion with nothing about potential inappropriate behaviour on his behalf. Maybe she thought I wasn't ready to hear it. Perhaps I wasn't.

How is it aggressive?

Do you think the councillor assumed you were the one pushing for a separation, do you think she thought his anger was because he was being discarded ?

I also am uncomfortable that you recorded these sessions, especially if you recorded the joint seession where he blew up. If so, neither of those people in that room knew they were being recorded, but you did so this could have altered your demeanor or language seeing as you were on your best behaviour being recorded, so to speak.

If you insinuated that he was physically abusive on tape surely you expected a strong response, it's almost like enticement and not a true enviroment.

I really don't think you should pursue a complaint against this councillor, I think it could backfire, also are you really threatening this for aultruistic reasons to help others or is it in pursuit of you making everyone fully understand you were abused and that is why you had to leave and not for some other reason.

Sorry, but your post sends off warning signals to me.

These are the questions you would have to answer if there was an enquiry.

Interesting replies. Even the ones that seem to think that it was my fault because I didn’t use the right tone or words have got me thinking and I can see why the counsellor and ex’s minds went to violence when I was on a different thought process.

I also take the point that rather than reporting her, the sensible thing to do is to reach out to her and explain why I now think she missed some obvious issues and maybe should look out for them so as not to miss them again with someone else.

I was often scared in the relationship. I sometimes thought he could hit me when he was screaming in my face. But he always stopped short of it. There was name calling. And I felt scared when I was out for longer than agreed and I knew I was walking back into a shouting match. Or worse, silent treatment. Waiting days to know whether he was going to be nasty or just move on were some of the most awful parts of my life in the last few years.

I probably do have the recording of the session when he blew up. But haven’t listened to it. Don’t think i could again. To those who think i was recording to gather evidence and that I might have ‘acted’ during the sessions. No - it wasn’t that. It was an attempt to understand things better. But I don’t recommend it. Obviously there was a risk they could have found out and that would have had a devastating impact on trust.

*Interesting replies. Even the ones that seem to think that it was my
fault because I didn’t use the right tone or words have got me thinking
and I can see why the counsellor and ex’s minds went to violence when I
was on a different thought process. *

I notice you didn't answer any of my questions above, not that you have to, but councillors are trained to understand why couples are in therapy.

Some couples come to councelling to truly help their communication and get back on track and others use therapy as a means to get one party to accept a break up so the transition is easier.
Maybe she understood why you were both there.

It may not have just been the accusation of abuse that made her wisely choose to see you both solo.

This is nuts, what on earth is wrong with recording one's therapy session? It would be a different story entirely if it were the therapist recording the patient, but why shouldn't a patient record the session to make sure she gets the most out of it. Surely no professional is going to say something that they would be ashamed to have on record?

And yes, lots of people are frightened of others who have never laid a hand on them. It is so normal, that it is hard to understand why the therapist did not realise that.

I would say the secret recording is itself abusive behaviour, towards the other participant and the counsellor.

The report of what happened during the counselling also sounds dreadful.

Altogether this sounds a deeply toxic situation.

OP - I suggest individual counselling, with no recording, to understand all of this.

Covert recording is not acceptable, as you are not respecting the other participants. The person who knows the recording is happening is behaving in an abusive and controlling way by withholding the information.

Recording at all is a risk as you will interfere with the natural relationship between the counsellor and client.

I think it is probably psychologically unhealthy to revisit counselling sessions in this way. The process is supposed to be a live dialogue. To revisit counselling in this way could mess someone's head up, lead to obsessive revisiting etc.

Altogether it feels incredibly wrong.

I do not seek to minimise the fear the OP felt. I am just talking about recording.