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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My boyfriend is thinking that i cheated? But i’m not sure is this is cheating?

125 replies

vivinessarose · 11/09/2023 23:18

Hi I really don’t know how to start this off but long story short. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now. About a year ago he went though my phone and seen that i have added my work colleague on a social media platform (Snapchat) and that i added him to my private story. I have known that colleague for about half a year and we were just friends at work but outside of work we did not talk or hang out at all, no feelings were involved or anything like that because we were both in a relationships. We were simply friends at work, we didn’t talk on “snapchat” either except for when i told him happy birthday once. Now last year my boyfriend went through my phone and found that i have added that specific friend and he has accused me of cheating because i didn’t tell him? In my opinion this is not cheating because we are both adults and we are allowed to have friends. Even though i am a jealous person myself i accepted the fact in order to have a health relationship he is allowed to have friends, but so am i. Now almost a year after he is bring it up more and more saying how i am disloyal and have disappointed he is because i cheated. And it’s getting to the point where i feel mentally drained from situation because we have been thought so much together i had 3 miscarriage, in the last two years and the most recent one being this month and i’m still dealing with it on my own because i feel like to him is not a big deal. But besides the point i love this man so much and i would never do anything to him that i wouldn’t like if that makes sense. Almost every day he argues with me about how he can’t forgive me about and just saying horrible things. He said he spoke to his “female” friends about it and apparently they all agree that it is cheating where as i think that it’s not because we are literally adults?! i accepted the fact that he had female friends but when i just had added that one friend is cheating suddenly? it doesn’t make sense. Currently he has blocked me and i feel like i have no one to talk to about this situation. He said is cheating and that he can’t forgive me even thought i apologize and owned up to it, i admitted to adding my friend i never denied it but he is just not accepting it. What do i do? I feel like he doesn’t want me to have friends at all because he is a very jealous person, but he himself follows multiple girls on different platforms and i don’t class that as cheating because if we want a healthy relationship we should be able to be friends with whoever as long as there’s no feelings involved of course. But he told all
of his friends that i cheated and i just feel so sad about it because i really do love this man but im
stsrting to question if i’m the one who’s in the wrong? Pls help :(

My boyfriend is thinking that i cheated? But i’m not sure is this is cheating?
OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 11/09/2023 23:22

He's a moron. End it

LusaBatoosa · 11/09/2023 23:22

Take his advice and enjoy your life. End this toxic abusive nonsense of a relationship and move on.

I am very sorry about your miscarriage.

Zonder · 11/09/2023 23:23

No it's not cheating. But better to find out now what an arse he is before you have kids with him or anything daft like that.

Cloverforever · 11/09/2023 23:24

You’ve already wasted 5 years of your life OP; don't waste any more.

SiblingFights · 11/09/2023 23:25

LusaBatoosa · 11/09/2023 23:22

Take his advice and enjoy your life. End this toxic abusive nonsense of a relationship and move on.

I am very sorry about your miscarriage.

Completely agree. You didn't cheat. He's a knob. You deserve better

Hawkins0009 · 11/09/2023 23:26

Omg all the best op

fuckmyuteruslining · 11/09/2023 23:27

That's not cheating.

But he is being an abusive, jealous arsehole who doesn't give a stuff about your feelings or situation.

Run and don't look back.

Singleandproud · 11/09/2023 23:27

Rightly or wrongly the trust is gone, the relationship is over. You say you love him but he is not showing you love, instead of supporting you through your miscarriage he is punishing you for what he sees as cheating. Move on, don't look back and look after yourself after having such a difficult month.

Divebar2021 · 11/09/2023 23:29

Don’t get involved in some bid to prove to him that you’re innocent - you can’t. He doesn’t want you to be innocent he wants to hold it over you. You need to finish it

VeridicalVagabond · 11/09/2023 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BreadInCaptivity · 11/09/2023 23:36

Frankly that's a red flag for coercive behaviour.

He's gaslighting you into thinking you've cheated and done something unreasonable when you have not.

It's grooming you not to have any social acquaintances he doesn't approve of.

I very much doubt his friends (female or otherwise) agree with him and check the irony of him being allowed female friends but you can't even have brief online social interactions with a work colleague.

You don't love him. He's not very lovable is he. You love the idea of him. The person he can be when he chooses to be nice and probably love bombs you to keep you off balance following a period of being nasty.

He's an abusive toad. Leave him and have a look at this www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ from women's aid.

Cushion1cover · 11/09/2023 23:39

The hills are that way -》 -》 🚩

808KateO · 11/09/2023 23:40

Afraid it sounds like he's the cheat. That's why he doesn't trust you.

Britneyfan · 11/09/2023 23:40

I agree with previous posters. You didn’t cheat, he is being abusive and controlling to say that you did (and he probably has cheated on you hence the accusation as above), and ultimately you have dodged a bullet in splitting up with this man!

jaspertown · 11/09/2023 23:44

I'm so sorry for your losses. I hope you're feeling okay and that you have some support. You deserve better than this. He will continue to make you grovel to prove you love him enough. Eventually you won't be able to look at another man without him accusing you of something. Meanwhile he will more than likely be off getting his jollies somewhere else. He sounds utterly disgusting and I really hope you can find enough love and faith in yourself to believe that you are worth more than this and deserve a healthy, happy relationship with someone who trusts you and you can trust. Please don't settle for this.

DelphiniumBlue · 11/09/2023 23:44

It's not cheating, he's nuts, and it says a lot about him that rather than support you through a horrible time, he's making stuff up to be cruel to you.
Block him and don't change your mind. He sounds awful.

PurpleMonkeys · 11/09/2023 23:53

I'm going to suggest this to you...

He doesn't care about the friend being on Snapchat... not as much as he's claiming at.least.
What he's doing is holding this over you to control you. If not this ,it'd be something else,.some 'mistake' he's decided you made.
It's his lever to keep you where he wants you.

The best thing you can do here is tell him to get to fuck, leave him and block him.

If you stay, he will find something else to lever and hold over you. It's likely he's tried versions of this but on a smaller scale earlier in relationship. Could even be so small you didn't notice.
Made you feel like you're wrong and he might leave you if you don't do it right or do something for him or dont do something he's decided he doesn't want you doing. Etc.

End it, but be prepared for a reaction. He'll likely try threats of violence, or he'll get jealous and start driving past your house, borderline stalking etc.
Stay firm. Report to police if necessary.

ihadamarveloustime · 11/09/2023 23:57

Pleeeeeease don't have children with this man.

He's controlling and abusive. Do not trap yourself by having children with him.

Chocolatesandroses · 12/09/2023 00:02

Personally I think he’s been looking for a reason to end the relationship . Found a stupid reason and left so let him go . You deserve so much more , what a hypocrite has female friends but you can’t add a man as a friend . Are you sure you’re adults ? I’d tell him to grow the fuck up

Uterusbegone · 12/09/2023 00:09

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 11/09/2023 23:22

He's a moron. End it

As usual the first comment nails it

thirdfiddle · 12/09/2023 00:15

You do not need to 'own up' or apologise for vaguely having a work friend, and it is in no sense whatsoever cheating. If it was, then logically him chatting to his female friends would be cheating too wouldn't it. He's probably not even actually got female friends, he's just playing some stupid game trying to make you jealous and make him sound more popular than he is.
Do you really need this jerk in your life? I mean, really, what is he adding to your happiness? He's been giving you grief for a year about this rubbish. Quit. Find a man who's kind to you.

TheFormidableMrsC · 12/09/2023 00:16

What an absolutely revolting wanker. Don't go back to this twat and definitely definitely do not have children with him 🚩🚩🚩

Dery · 12/09/2023 00:17

Absolutely not cheating. He’s abusing you. I read this as he wants out but rather than admit that, he wants to make you the baddie. Let him go. I suppose his female friends might agree with him if they’re all about 12. He sounds like a toddler.

TheDogthatDug · 12/09/2023 00:20

His female friends said no such thing. Block, ignore and carry on with your life

Deathbyfluffy · 12/09/2023 00:23

TheDogthatDug · 12/09/2023 00:20

His female friends said no such thing. Block, ignore and carry on with your life

This.
Also consider paragraphs as that huge block of text was very hard to read!