My boyfriend is thinking that i cheated? But i’m not sure is this is cheating?

[vivinessarose]

Hi I really don’t know how to start this off but long story short. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now. About a year ago he went though my phone and seen that i have added my work colleague on a social media platform (Snapchat) and that i added him to my private story. I have known that colleague for about half a year and we were just friends at work but outside of work we did not talk or hang out at all, no feelings were involved or anything like that because we were both in a relationships. We were simply friends at work, we didn’t talk on “snapchat” either except for when i told him happy birthday once. Now last year my boyfriend went through my phone and found that i have added that specific friend and he has accused me of cheating because i didn’t tell him? In my opinion this is not cheating because we are both adults and we are allowed to have friends. Even though i am a jealous person myself i accepted the fact in order to have a health relationship he is allowed to have friends, but so am i. Now almost a year after he is bring it up more and more saying how i am disloyal and have disappointed he is because i cheated. And it’s getting to the point where i feel mentally drained from situation because we have been thought so much together i had 3 miscarriage, in the last two years and the most recent one being this month and i’m still dealing with it on my own because i feel like to him is not a big deal. But besides the point i love this man so much and i would never do anything to him that i wouldn’t like if that makes sense. Almost every day he argues with me about how he can’t forgive me about and just saying horrible things. He said he spoke to his “female” friends about it and apparently they all agree that it is cheating where as i think that it’s not because we are literally adults?! i accepted the fact that he had female friends but when i just had added that one friend is cheating suddenly? it doesn’t make sense. Currently he has blocked me and i feel like i have no one to talk to about this situation. He said is cheating and that he can’t forgive me even thought i apologize and owned up to it, i admitted to adding my friend i never denied it but he is just not accepting it. What do i do? I feel like he doesn’t want me to have friends at all because he is a very jealous person, but he himself follows multiple girls on different platforms and i don’t class that as cheating because if we want a healthy relationship we should be able to be friends with whoever as long as there’s no feelings involved of course. But he told all
of his friends that i cheated and i just feel so sad about it because i really do love this man but im
stsrting to question if i’m the one who’s in the wrong? Pls help :(

Literally be worst advice ever given on MN, and that's saying something.

OP. Leave this twat now. Otherwise he will completely ruin your life, and you only get one life!

End this relationship. He is too immature to be in a relationship.

He is abusive, controlling and is choosing to do this to you again just when he knows you're hurting.

Bin the cunt.

Wow, imagine if you do cheat…. What is he going to do to you?

No, you don't cheat.

But he went though your phone!! That's totally unacceptable.

He's an illiterate, jealous twat. End things and block him. You deserve more.

I'd bet anything that him dumping her is another push pull manipulation strategy. How can you be more in control than watching someone squirm and beg. The minute she says she's had enough, he will come back stating he's prepared to give her another chance if....xyz (rules, control, guilt strategies). He won't have an exit plan at all.
She never did anything wrong, the rejection and disloyalty is all in his head. She needs to get counselling after this and never go back

Totally agree with this. He just wants to control OP.

He’s a total twat - do not let him be the father of your child. End it and find a grown-up.

This man sounds obsessive and controlling. He’s fixated on one thing and whatever happens, he seems to want to come back to this argument and blame you.

This is terrible and not something you can change. You’ve tried and he’s not getting over it. In his head you’ve cheated, he’s made up this whole thing that’s happened and he’s so far gone in his made up stories that he won’t even listen to the truth.

I’m so sorry for your losses, as a partner he should be supporting you through that, the fact that he isn’t even bothered would make me end it straight away.

I know you love him but is this the life you want? No matter what happens, he will always blame you for something he made up. You will never be able to move on from this. There’s also no way his female friends have said you’ve cheated if they knew the real truth.
Sorry op but please get away from this man, please end it.

You didn't cheat on him. He shouldn't be going through your phone. He's cheating on you.

This is classic gaslighting and even if you somehow got past this he would only find something else to hold over you and make you feel like shit about yourself.
That's the whole purpose of this for him, to gradually undermine your self worth and make you feel like you should be grateful to have him, regardless of how horribly he's treating you.

My first relationship was like this and 25 years later I'm still pretty fucked up because of it. It was only meeting a lovely guy who genuinely loves and cares about me that made me see just how abusive my ex was. You just don't see it when you're in the midst of it, you start to doubt yourself even though you know you've done nothing wrong.

Please, please get away from this man because he will do you so much damage and he's keeping you from finding someone who will genuinely love you and want to make you feel good instead of bad.

OP, I am sorry for your miscarriages. Walk away from this lunatic now. He is not a good perdon to have a family with. Adding a male friend is not cheating.he is trying to control you. Soon he will start controlling your clothes, your hobby choices, who you work with. You will be walking on egg shells for ever. Walk away, this is not really love . Ps it really doesn't matter but sounds like he has a guilty conscience

@vivinessarose
A cheater will always accuse there partners of cheating out of guilt, so I say he's the cheat, but to make himself feel better is accusing you.

So sorry about your miscarriages, I had 4 myself so know how your feeling, but don't give up I now have my 10m old LG, but abit of advice please don't have it with this man, you are worth so much more and deserve all the happiness in the world op and its not with him xx

You already KNOW that adding somebody to your social media does not constitute cheating.
We all know that too of course.
He also knows it but will never admit it as it’s a game he is playing to weaken your resolve so that he can control you and abuse your (very misplaced) loyalty.
Stop trying to convince him you haven’t cheated. It’s not about that. See the bigger picture !
You are wasting your rethink, your time and you are wasting your love on this nasty man.
He doesn’t care a jot for you. And never will. He doesn’t care about your miscarriages. He’s happy you are in a weakened state ….easier for him to control.

What sort of life do you want for yourself and your future child OP ?

Do not risk the happiness of your future child until you find the right person to parent with. This current bf is the worst kind of partner and father material. It won’t get better with him ever….it will only get worse.

If you continue with him you are asking for a life of misery.
Cut your attachment with him today. Block him. Never speak to him again. He will only try to reel you back in.

You are vulnerable and I’m very sorry for the grief you are feeling right now. Please take care of yourself and try to be brave. You will be much better off without him.
A much better life ahead for you now.

I’m sorry about your pregnancy losses.

If you’re not going to get rid of him, please at least don’t have children with him. This kind of behaviour only gets worse

No it's not cheating. Having friends is normal. If you go along with his views you will end up with none! He will have isolated you, and gaslit you so you feel it's your fault. This is classic abuser territory. His 'female friends' either have not been told the correct facts (in which case they would not agree with him) or he is actually lying about telling them and has made that up to upset you.

Nothing to love here OP.

Enjoy your life free from this bullshit.

OP you know you didn’t cheat but as others have said he unfortunately probably has.

I know its not easy but get out of this relationship now- i’d say change your phone number etc as he’ll likely try to worm his way back in once you stop chasing him.

I was in a relationship like this- once I ended it he conveniently used to turn up as I was walking to the bus stop and offer me a lift to work, he also kept remembering things he had left in my house so he could pop round and collect. Sure it was just his way of trying to regain some control. In the end I told him everything had to be out by x date and after that it was all going to charity/in the bin and then went no contact.

You didn't cheat. He is toxic trying to make you feel you behaved badly and should atone for it forever more.

Leave him. I bet he is controlling and abusive in many other ways too.

And I bet my bottom dollar that he has cheated.

I agree

Yes

Also agree

Why on earth do you think you love this moron?

I can't see anything to love. He's a bully, he's unsupportive, he's emotionally abusive and manipulative. Seriously unattractive traits in a so called partner.

Why are you wasting time on this loser? I promise you would be so much happier without him dragging you down, and in the future you could meet someone who will make you understand what real love looks and feels like, and its nothing like this I can assure you!

Please leave him. You haven’t cheated. And this is the most horrible background to bring a child into.
“Almost every day he argues with me about how he can’t forgive me about and just saying horrible things.”

edited spelling

Fuck that.
You're well rid, life will be vastly better without him in it.

It might not feel like it right now, but you’ll look back and you’ll be thankful that you didn’t have children with this guy.
He’s an abusive arse.

He’s a horrible cunt. You haven’t cheated. He’s a controlling and manipulative piece of shit. Fortunately, he’s trying to rid you of himself. Let him.