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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My boyfriend is thinking that i cheated? But i’m not sure is this is cheating?

125 replies

vivinessarose · 11/09/2023 23:18

Hi I really don’t know how to start this off but long story short. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now. About a year ago he went though my phone and seen that i have added my work colleague on a social media platform (Snapchat) and that i added him to my private story. I have known that colleague for about half a year and we were just friends at work but outside of work we did not talk or hang out at all, no feelings were involved or anything like that because we were both in a relationships. We were simply friends at work, we didn’t talk on “snapchat” either except for when i told him happy birthday once. Now last year my boyfriend went through my phone and found that i have added that specific friend and he has accused me of cheating because i didn’t tell him? In my opinion this is not cheating because we are both adults and we are allowed to have friends. Even though i am a jealous person myself i accepted the fact in order to have a health relationship he is allowed to have friends, but so am i. Now almost a year after he is bring it up more and more saying how i am disloyal and have disappointed he is because i cheated. And it’s getting to the point where i feel mentally drained from situation because we have been thought so much together i had 3 miscarriage, in the last two years and the most recent one being this month and i’m still dealing with it on my own because i feel like to him is not a big deal. But besides the point i love this man so much and i would never do anything to him that i wouldn’t like if that makes sense. Almost every day he argues with me about how he can’t forgive me about and just saying horrible things. He said he spoke to his “female” friends about it and apparently they all agree that it is cheating where as i think that it’s not because we are literally adults?! i accepted the fact that he had female friends but when i just had added that one friend is cheating suddenly? it doesn’t make sense. Currently he has blocked me and i feel like i have no one to talk to about this situation. He said is cheating and that he can’t forgive me even thought i apologize and owned up to it, i admitted to adding my friend i never denied it but he is just not accepting it. What do i do? I feel like he doesn’t want me to have friends at all because he is a very jealous person, but he himself follows multiple girls on different platforms and i don’t class that as cheating because if we want a healthy relationship we should be able to be friends with whoever as long as there’s no feelings involved of course. But he told all
of his friends that i cheated and i just feel so sad about it because i really do love this man but im
stsrting to question if i’m the one who’s in the wrong? Pls help :(

My boyfriend is thinking that i cheated? But i’m not sure is this is cheating?
OP posts:
IHeartGeneHunt · 12/09/2023 08:15

I would also put money on there being no "female friends," either.

Flakjacketon · 12/09/2023 08:25

As pp have said he is a moron. He can have female friends but you can't have male ones. Big red flag.

You say a year on he is bringing it up more and more. Do you think he wants to end it but doesn't want to be seen the bad guy, so is using this feeble excuse to end it and blame you?

Move on and find someone who deserves you.

ZadocPDederick · 12/09/2023 08:30

IHeartGeneHunt · 12/09/2023 08:15

I would also put money on there being no "female friends," either.

Definitely. It's significant that he doesn't seem to have named them.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/09/2023 08:32

Of course it's not cheating OP. Otherwise everyone's Snapchat would be se sex only, and bisexual people would not use it at all. He is controlling, displaying abusive behaviours, and trying to gaslight you. What kind of person dumps someone when they've just had a miscarriage, over something (nothing!) that happened ages ago? Someone who likes playing games and doesn't care about your feelings. I'd also question if you actually love him or you've been conditioned by him manipulating you, to feel like you can't cope without him and to get addicted to the good times when he gives you s scrap of affection.

You need to leave. You've implied yourself it's not a healthy relationship. I predict that as soon as he realises that he has pushed you too far, the manipulation will continue and he will suddenly be sorry and promise to change. Until the next argument, or the next man you speak to, or the next time you do something perfectly normal that he decides is banned, and then you'll be back to square one

IdealisticCynic · 12/09/2023 08:38

What you did is not cheating.

His conduct is abuse.

This is not a healthy relationship in any way. You must leave him or it will get worse.

PandaPouch · 12/09/2023 08:38

ihadamarveloustime · 11/09/2023 23:57

Pleeeeeease don't have children with this man.

He's controlling and abusive. Do not trap yourself by having children with him.

Agree

billy1966 · 12/09/2023 08:40

Batalax · 12/09/2023 08:13

It might not feel like it right now, but you’ll look back and you’ll be thankful that you didn’t have children with this guy.
He’s an abusive arse.

This.

Nasty abusive loser.

Stop wasting your time with him.

Tombero · 12/09/2023 08:47

You did nothing wrong. The only way you will possibly make him happy is to make your life so small that you will feel empty, trapped and helpless. Please don’t do that to yourself.

Just reply saying you agree it’s time to end things.

At that point he will probably try to get you back. Stand firm, he does not mean it, it’s about control. Just block and move on.

It will be hard as I don’t think you’ve accepted how awful he is and the miscarriages will be making you feel very low. But there is a brighter future for you without this man in it.

Spareus · 12/09/2023 08:49

He’s a childish idiot. Ditch him and be thankful you don’t have children with this man. You both sound a bit immature tbh.

Proudgypsy · 12/09/2023 08:52

Honestly any 'man' who ends a relationship via a WhatsApp message saying "u enjoy your life" isn't worth a bean.

tenpoundpom · 12/09/2023 09:08

Why is he ttc with someone he thinks "cheated" on him? Because of course he doesn't actually think you have. It's something to control you with.

Get rid of the abusive piece of shit. Do NOT under any circumstances have children with him.

The Freedom Programme as pp have suggested is a really good idea.

Also

Anyone who dumps you by WhatsApp like that is a pathetic loser who doesn't even deserve a reply.

hot2trotter · 12/09/2023 09:16

He's an illiterate moron. Remove him from your life and raise your bar a bit.

JustAboutHangingInThere · 12/09/2023 09:26

Adding a male colleague at work to Snapchat is not cheating.

he went through your phone….just no

hes a gaslighting abusive bully.

you need his support right now and instead he’s treating you like this. Wrong on so many levels.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 12/09/2023 09:27

LusaBatoosa · 11/09/2023 23:22

Take his advice and enjoy your life. End this toxic abusive nonsense of a relationship and move on.

I am very sorry about your miscarriage.

Couldn't put it better myself. He sounds like a loser and is probably cheating himself, hence the guilty conscience.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/09/2023 09:44

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 12/09/2023 09:27

Couldn't put it better myself. He sounds like a loser and is probably cheating himself, hence the guilty conscience.

This this this

You both sound 14. And this is SO unhealthy.

Please take his text as a break up, do what you need to do to find a safe place to live if you cohabit, get some therapy for your grief if that would help, and just be single for a while.

He isn't waving a red flag, he's shooting of a fricking massive red cannon!

Sunnyday1203 · 12/09/2023 09:45

I would suggest he is the cheat..

Zodfa · 12/09/2023 10:01

Spoke to his female friends, did he? I'm surprised he has any.

Strugglingtodomybest · 12/09/2023 10:01

There is no way in hell that this is cheating, and the fact that you have had to come and check with us shows what a good job of gas lighting you he is doing.

But really, this cheating business is nothing compared to him not supporting you through 3 miscarriages. What a bastard.

Honestly OP, forget about him and find someone else. Take it from someone who was in love a few times before finding my DH, there ARE better men for you out there, you WILL get over losing this guy.

smartiesnskittles · 12/09/2023 10:55

If you don't walk away now. You have a lifetime of his pathetic whining. Or you have a baby together and split up and still have his pathetic half-assed parenting to put up with.

Pinkbonbon · 12/09/2023 13:50

Five pages of people telling you he's a nasty abusive bastard and that of course adding someone on Snapchat doesn't make you a cheat. Funny that isn't it? That he apparently managed to find female friends who say otherwise... ... yeah...right, sure they did 🙄

He's a liar. And if these female friends exist, he lies to them too.

Watch out op, leaving is often an abusers control tactic. He wants you to pine and chase after him. Then he'll come back with a list of more ridiculous demands and even worse treatment.

Either that or he's momentarily left to date someone else...but even then, they always try to come back one day.

Use this time to block him and learn all about abuse. So that if he tries to come back, you can tell him to fuck off and never darken your door again. Read up on 'narcissist hoovering tactics'. They will prepare you for the shit thats to come from him.

Bewildbefree · 12/09/2023 18:10

He’s probably cheated and is using this for when you find out to say “you did it too!”

Do what he says and enjoy your life!

Eileandover · 12/09/2023 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GLORIAGloriarse · 12/09/2023 20:43

Sorry but I feel about 105 as I don't use snapchat!

What does 'adding him to your private stories' mean in this case- have you sent him/ allowed him to see something intimate like a sexy photo of yourself?

If nothing of the sort, i would let him stay blocked. Sounds like he is picking a fight for some reason. Could be to end the relationship whilst making it your fault not his because he has his eye elsewhere. Who is this chorus of 'female friends' agreeing with everything?

Seddon · 12/09/2023 23:45

Zodfa · 12/09/2023 10:01

Spoke to his female friends, did he? I'm surprised he has any.

Anytime my abusive narc ex wanted to score a point in an argument, he'd drag up some anonymous, unverifiable third person who agreed with him.

It really was remarkable just how many strangers, neighbours, friends just randomly came up to him to tell him how wrong I was about everything. But never when I (or anyone else) was there to see and hear it.

TrishM80 · 13/09/2023 03:33

What do you see in this abusive scumbag?

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