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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My boyfriend is thinking that i cheated? But i’m not sure is this is cheating?

125 replies

vivinessarose · 11/09/2023 23:18

Hi I really don’t know how to start this off but long story short. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now. About a year ago he went though my phone and seen that i have added my work colleague on a social media platform (Snapchat) and that i added him to my private story. I have known that colleague for about half a year and we were just friends at work but outside of work we did not talk or hang out at all, no feelings were involved or anything like that because we were both in a relationships. We were simply friends at work, we didn’t talk on “snapchat” either except for when i told him happy birthday once. Now last year my boyfriend went through my phone and found that i have added that specific friend and he has accused me of cheating because i didn’t tell him? In my opinion this is not cheating because we are both adults and we are allowed to have friends. Even though i am a jealous person myself i accepted the fact in order to have a health relationship he is allowed to have friends, but so am i. Now almost a year after he is bring it up more and more saying how i am disloyal and have disappointed he is because i cheated. And it’s getting to the point where i feel mentally drained from situation because we have been thought so much together i had 3 miscarriage, in the last two years and the most recent one being this month and i’m still dealing with it on my own because i feel like to him is not a big deal. But besides the point i love this man so much and i would never do anything to him that i wouldn’t like if that makes sense. Almost every day he argues with me about how he can’t forgive me about and just saying horrible things. He said he spoke to his “female” friends about it and apparently they all agree that it is cheating where as i think that it’s not because we are literally adults?! i accepted the fact that he had female friends but when i just had added that one friend is cheating suddenly? it doesn’t make sense. Currently he has blocked me and i feel like i have no one to talk to about this situation. He said is cheating and that he can’t forgive me even thought i apologize and owned up to it, i admitted to adding my friend i never denied it but he is just not accepting it. What do i do? I feel like he doesn’t want me to have friends at all because he is a very jealous person, but he himself follows multiple girls on different platforms and i don’t class that as cheating because if we want a healthy relationship we should be able to be friends with whoever as long as there’s no feelings involved of course. But he told all
of his friends that i cheated and i just feel so sad about it because i really do love this man but im
stsrting to question if i’m the one who’s in the wrong? Pls help :(

My boyfriend is thinking that i cheated? But i’m not sure is this is cheating?
OP posts:
Owl55 · 12/09/2023 00:25

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EggInANest · 12/09/2023 00:25

He cares more about some slight contact with a work mate on Snapchat than the fact that you are in such distress about miscarriages?

OP, of course it is not cheating. How ridiculous. His way of talking to you is horrible. And if he is carrying on like this, attacking you, being jealous and controlling, when he should be caring for you and supporting you then it is not a good relationship. He does not love you.

You have been through a tough time, and you have done it without his support. So… you don’t need him. Please spend time with people who love you and make you feel good about yourself, and end this relationship before things get worse.

Because with men like this, things get worse.

Please take care of yourself.

RightOnTheEdge · 12/09/2023 00:32

Do as he is suggesting OP and enjoy your life. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you've had a lucky escape.

I'd be suspicious that he has cheated or found someone else but he's trying to make you the bad guy instead of ending it like a grown up.

Watchkeys · 12/09/2023 00:34

Forget right and wrong. How is he making you feel?

Italiangreyhound · 12/09/2023 00:45

Dump the loser, he is trying to control you. He is allowed female friends but you are not allowed a male friend, he thinks! Crazy. I'm so sorry about your losses.

ZadocPDederick · 12/09/2023 00:46

Of course you didn't cheat, and of course any sane person recognises that their partner is perfectly entitled to have friends.

The very fact that your partner is being so foul to you when you are coping with your recent third miscarriage shows you that he is not worth a moment of your time. Please just get rid, you'll be so much happier without this arsehole in your life.

Justdontforgethelegofrog · 12/09/2023 00:47

You didn't cheat.
The controlling behaviour and 'shaming' will get worse.
He is not supportive.
Please please please leave him.

crumblingschools · 12/09/2023 00:48

And his good points are?

fabmaccawhackythumbsaloft · 12/09/2023 00:54

So he can have female friends and that's fine

But if you have male friends it's cheating?

I'm sorry op why are you putting up with this batshit headfuckery?

You might love him he doesn't love you , he wants to control you and make you feel shit and grovel when you've done absolutely NOTHING WRONG

Bin this off now and seriously do yourself a huge favour
Men like this only get worse

autienotnaughty · 12/09/2023 01:22

You didn't cheat
You can have friends on social media
He is abusive because he is constantly berating you
He is gas lighting you by telling you you did something wrong when you didn't
This is not a nice man you need to stop trying to get pregnant with him, leave him and get support from womens aid.

Pinkbonbon · 12/09/2023 01:36

He's horribly abusive.

He is probably cheating himself and trying to make out you did something bad first.

To reiterate...you added a work colleague on social media...òn what planet is that ever cheating!?

He's talking out his arse.
Abusers like to tell you 'everyone else agrees with me' and 'everyone else thinks you are wrong/bad'. It's gaslighting. Trying to get you to doubt your own reality.

If your female pal said to you her partner was calling her a cheat because she added a friend to her social media, what wpuld you tell her?
What would you tell her if she said 'he brings it up every day for years telling me I'm bad'. You'd tell her to get the fuck away from that horrible bully and never look back. Right?

Take that advise yourself.
Ruuuun!
I'm sorry for your losses regarding the miscarriages but you know what wpuld actually have been even worse? Having a baby with this psychopath for a father.

Get out of there.
Read up on how to spot abusers in future so that you never keep one around again.

MariePaperRoses · 12/09/2023 02:02

He's just dangling something completely unimportant over your head to make you feel anxious and doubt yourself.

If he really thought you had cheated, why is he still with you? He doesn't think for one minute you've actually cheated, he's just latched onto something to wield over you.

Dump him.

Hairballing · 12/09/2023 02:19

Why are you apologising? You’ve done nothing wrong.

why is he your boyfriend? He’s clearly manipulative and unreasonable.

do you really want this man to be the father of your children? He’s such a poor role model

Brightandshining · 12/09/2023 02:35

This is abusive. Controlling and gaslighting. Of course that wasn't cheating! Please get out of this relationship... this is not a good man and things will only get worse

Nomorelittlebabybum · 12/09/2023 03:07

I'm so sorry for your loss.

He needs help and not yours. It sound like a form of OCD - really this is a mental health condition being paranoid your partner has cheated when they haven't. It's become abusive to the point that he's isolating you by dictating who you can speak to, keeping you constantly being ashamed and having to apologise for something you haven't done and mentally wearing you down.

You need to leave him now! He doesn't deserve you and you don't want children with this man, it will only get worse.

justwatchingtelly · 12/09/2023 03:53

Brightandshining · 12/09/2023 02:35

This is abusive. Controlling and gaslighting. Of course that wasn't cheating! Please get out of this relationship... this is not a good man and things will only get worse

This. There is no way I could accept this at all.

Please do walk away and enjoy your life.

MintJulia · 12/09/2023 04:05

He's a nasty controlling dishonest creep who is wearing you down. No-one sane would think that is cheating. I have male work friends I've spoken to for 30 years but never cheated with either of them.

Please leave now while you have the chance. This will only get worse if you have his child so please don't.

Go and find someone lovely and enjoy your life instead.

Oblomov23 · 12/09/2023 04:18

Why are you even asking? You know this isn't cheating. You know he's a controlling toxic knob. So why are you still with him?

toastiesrule · 12/09/2023 04:20

So sorry for your losses OP. I know you’re hurting.

that man is absolutely awful, you can do so much better.

GodDammitCecil · 12/09/2023 04:21

You are well shot of him.

Onwards and upwards.

There are - literally - zillions more fish in the sea.

Seddon · 12/09/2023 04:27

Watchkeys · 12/09/2023 00:34

Forget right and wrong. How is he making you feel?

This ^^ times a million!

Do you feel loved? Cared for? Respected? Is this the future you imagined for yourself? When you dream of raising a family with this guy do you imagine a future filled with warmth and laughter and happiness?

You can't cajole people or apologise your way into making them be nice to you - they're either good people who treat others well, or they aren't. You have yourself a bad one.

Superduper02 · 12/09/2023 04:27

TheDogthatDug · 12/09/2023 00:20

His female friends said no such thing. Block, ignore and carry on with your life

Be grateful he has ended it. He has probably found someone new hence the sudden upset after a year.

FWIW no-one should be going through each other's phone. I would personally not like my OH adding someone of opposite sex to private story on snapchat but it's not cheating. Were you sending your colleague photos of yourself?

Tiredalwaystired · 12/09/2023 04:54

Run. Now.

jays · 12/09/2023 05:04

He sounds like one of those people who actually want you to have cheated/done something wrong so he can use it constantly to control you/cast it up/basically use it to abuse you. That wasn’t, in any way shape or form, cheating. All his female friends didn’t say any of that. Strongly consider the future of your relationship. I would genuinely think about ending it, you don’t deserve to live like that.

user1492757084 · 12/09/2023 05:04

Sorry about your loss.
He is a terrible man.
You need to leave ASAP. Block him, move out.
Tell your family it is over and not to allow him to contact you, should he badger them.
Do not converse with him.

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