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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My boyfriend is thinking that i cheated? But i’m not sure is this is cheating?

125 replies

vivinessarose · 11/09/2023 23:18

Hi I really don’t know how to start this off but long story short. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now. About a year ago he went though my phone and seen that i have added my work colleague on a social media platform (Snapchat) and that i added him to my private story. I have known that colleague for about half a year and we were just friends at work but outside of work we did not talk or hang out at all, no feelings were involved or anything like that because we were both in a relationships. We were simply friends at work, we didn’t talk on “snapchat” either except for when i told him happy birthday once. Now last year my boyfriend went through my phone and found that i have added that specific friend and he has accused me of cheating because i didn’t tell him? In my opinion this is not cheating because we are both adults and we are allowed to have friends. Even though i am a jealous person myself i accepted the fact in order to have a health relationship he is allowed to have friends, but so am i. Now almost a year after he is bring it up more and more saying how i am disloyal and have disappointed he is because i cheated. And it’s getting to the point where i feel mentally drained from situation because we have been thought so much together i had 3 miscarriage, in the last two years and the most recent one being this month and i’m still dealing with it on my own because i feel like to him is not a big deal. But besides the point i love this man so much and i would never do anything to him that i wouldn’t like if that makes sense. Almost every day he argues with me about how he can’t forgive me about and just saying horrible things. He said he spoke to his “female” friends about it and apparently they all agree that it is cheating where as i think that it’s not because we are literally adults?! i accepted the fact that he had female friends but when i just had added that one friend is cheating suddenly? it doesn’t make sense. Currently he has blocked me and i feel like i have no one to talk to about this situation. He said is cheating and that he can’t forgive me even thought i apologize and owned up to it, i admitted to adding my friend i never denied it but he is just not accepting it. What do i do? I feel like he doesn’t want me to have friends at all because he is a very jealous person, but he himself follows multiple girls on different platforms and i don’t class that as cheating because if we want a healthy relationship we should be able to be friends with whoever as long as there’s no feelings involved of course. But he told all
of his friends that i cheated and i just feel so sad about it because i really do love this man but im
stsrting to question if i’m the one who’s in the wrong? Pls help :(

My boyfriend is thinking that i cheated? But i’m not sure is this is cheating?
OP posts:
Eileandover · 12/09/2023 05:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sally2791 · 12/09/2023 05:20

Why would anyone fight to stay with an arse?

Shoxfordian · 12/09/2023 05:20

Of course you didn’t cheat on him; he’s an idiot

Don’t stay with someone who treats you like that

Aposterhasnoname · 12/09/2023 05:27

Run like the wind and do not look back. Mark my words the next step will be to stop you going out without him, lest you “cheat” again, then it’ll be controlling your clothes, make up, then contact with family, all in the name of stopping a repeat of you “cheating”. Listen to those of us on here who have been there and recognise this shit.

Oh and he’s cheated on you, nowt no surer. Dump his pathetic arse, you can do so much better

Bananalanacake · 12/09/2023 05:31

Why are you wasting your life with this twat.

MaggieBsBoat · 12/09/2023 05:32

Wow.
just wow.
what a total bellend this boy is.
You are well rid @vivinessarose

dadsLightAnthem · 12/09/2023 05:41

Think he's saw an exit plan, and he's taken it first opportunity. Sorry OP. Delete the bloke and the app while you're at it. Nothing good comes of it. Wish coworkers happy birthday on WhatsApp 👌

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 12/09/2023 05:44

I bet £100 he's cheating.

You've had a lucky escape.

Nomorelittlebabybum · 12/09/2023 05:47

dadsLightAnthem · 12/09/2023 05:41

Think he's saw an exit plan, and he's taken it first opportunity. Sorry OP. Delete the bloke and the app while you're at it. Nothing good comes of it. Wish coworkers happy birthday on WhatsApp 👌

I'd bet anything that him dumping her is another push pull manipulation strategy. How can you be more in control than watching someone squirm and beg. The minute she says she's had enough, he will come back stating he's prepared to give her another chance if....xyz (rules, control, guilt strategies). He won't have an exit plan at all.
She never did anything wrong, the rejection and disloyalty is all in his head. She needs to get counselling after this and never go back

PointyMcguire · 12/09/2023 05:57

I’m so sorry for your losses, but please don’t have children with this abusive twat.

Are you not concerned that he’s been through your phone enough that he’d even notice you’ve added someone to your contacts? That’s not a quick glance, that points to someone that’s systematically gone through your phone on multiple occasions to look for any perceived slights.

In case you’re in any doubt, having male friends, adding them on Snapchat or having them in your contacts list is not cheating and you absolutely shouldn’t be apologising to him for having friends.

Tangelablue · 12/09/2023 05:58

Has he always gone through your phone? Has he always been abusive? I'm wondering if you have a trauma bond with him and that's why you haven't just walked away. He will put you through hell every day, my ex was very similar, I deleted social media and what's app thinking he would stop accusing me of cheating. I became isolated but nothing was enough. Turned out he was cheating and wanted to find something to make his cheating ok.
I'm so sorry to hear about the miscarriages you went through. Not having your partners support must have been difficult. Its likely he doesn't seem to care about the miscarriages as he actually just doesn't care. I really hope you find the strength to walk away and get some support from a domestic abuse organisation to help you process your experiences and move on. You don't deserve this. You deserve to be happy.

user97326843 · 12/09/2023 05:59

Hawkins0009 · 11/09/2023 23:26

Omg all the best op

🙄

user97326843 · 12/09/2023 05:59

Likely guilty conscience.
Run for the hills, OP

Oblomov23 · 12/09/2023 06:07

I'm assuming English is not OP's first language because she writes in an unusual way. Also assuming she is very young. If you are not emotionally mature, or emotionally astute, if you haven't been bought up with good emotional boundaries, good mental health yourself, good self worth and self esteem, been shown what a loving relationship is, you might not have the ability to see red flags. Op needs help to mature. Do you have any friends to talk to about all this?

whataboutism · 12/09/2023 06:08

He is the one cheating on you. 100%. And you never cheated. And sorry for your loses. Run. For. Your. Life.

Bramblecrumble22 · 12/09/2023 06:12

Reading between the lines it sounds like he's been trying to break up with you for a while and he's found an excuse to fully blame you. You are at risk of being a crazy stalker ex.

Doris86 · 12/09/2023 06:17

This has got coercive control written all over it. It’s not normal behaviour from him. Leave and leave now.

fairyfluf · 12/09/2023 06:25

The relationship is over. And sounds like that's a good thing for you tbh. Don't worry about the whys and wherefores, enjoy your freedom.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 12/09/2023 06:26

I had an ex like this in a long term relationship. Constantly accusing me of cheating alongside domestic abuse. Turned out the reason he was so against me having male friends contact me was because he'd been cheating on me himself most of our relationship and it had turned him paranoid and I've found that with a lot of cheaters. Don't be surprised if this becomes similar. Very sorry, but I think you need to consider leaving him

MushMonster · 12/09/2023 06:28

He is trying to reduce you to a self doubt shell of yourself.
Delete jis number, social media, everything today.
If you do not leave together, just never see him again.
He made it very clear in the text. He wants out. Listen to the truth of it.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 12/09/2023 06:31

I know it's hard OP but move on.

You've not had support for your miscarriages from him and he can't 'forgive' you for something you haven't done!!

It's coercion and he's a nasty piece of work who will find a reason to control you and guilt trip you. He's likely up to no good and is turning it round.

Seen it far too many times.

Hold your head up and move on and away from him. You deserve and will eventually find a good person.

Spend some time being on your own and treat yourself nicely.

You turn it back to him by actually leaving him and taking control back. He's lost you and his petty game that way too. Cock.

Tweedlelove · 12/09/2023 06:54

Highly likely that he is the cheat. But wanting to blame you. He is gaslighting you with his behaviour to confuse you. Please walk away. He shouldn’t be going through your phone. You are allowed male friends!

Justneedagirlname · 12/09/2023 06:56
  1. this is not cheating
  2. it doesn’t matter because all he wanted is an excuse to end a relationship so he used this
  3. do not try to continue relationship with him and certainly do not have any children with him, he’s an abusing POS
JanefromLondon1 · 12/09/2023 07:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

Dashel · 12/09/2023 07:08

Do not waste any more time on this guy.

Please look up the sunken costs fallacy if you are worried about having spent 5 years with him already.

He is not a good person accusing you of stupid stuff that is complete horse shit whilst you are grieving. A good guy would be supporting you and understanding of your friendship with a colleague. Please find someone else and do not have a baby with this guy. He will get more controlling and more unreasonable

If his definition of cheating was real DH and I would have an open marriage 😂we both regularly talk to colleagues of both sexes outside of work.

I would also be super pissed off that he is going to his mates to decide whether you cheated or not, I bet they have guy friends and surely him having female friends and talking to them is some sort of cheating by his crazy logic?

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