Confused...should I divorce him or am I overreacting?

[Loui07]

I've been married for just under 2 years and recently have given birth. Our relationship was put to the test since then. He's ott about me going out with baby especially when going to London which is where my family are.
Bearing in mind it'd only a 55 minute journey. He refused to let me stay over the night his excused are oh he's only 1 month old and I don't want him away from me. My family would like me to stay with them and I'm always stuck in the middle. He's disrespectful towards my mum and during a heated argument he told her to go home. He's not understanding or compassionate and likes to control my every move. I will always choose my parents over him no matter what. But I feel as though if he can't get on with his in laws and vice versa then what marriage is this ?
I don't want to get divorced but I don't see a way out!

I can understand him missing the baby. Do you need to stay over? Why can't you just visit?

What was the row about?

How would you feel if he put his parents before you? You and him and the baby should be 'family' with your parents etc as wider family.

He thought having a baby would enable him to control you more.

you have a very important choice to make. Don’t let this be your life for the next 10/20/50 years.

is it so weird that a parent does not want their 1month old away from them over night? would you be happy if he did that?

and i would be very loudly disrespectful to in-laws with dumb ideas like this

I can understand not wanting the baby to be away for the night and if your family are only 55 minutes away I can't see why you would really feel the need to but he does sound a little controlling. Which you stated you feel he is. Was he controlling before you had the baby?

Equally concerning to me though is that you say you would always choose your parents over your husband.
I can't understand why you would marry someone that you don't feel you would prioritise.

But maybe I'm the odd one there. Interested in how others feel about their partners ans parents.

We live with his mother and sister and I can't help but want my parents to also be able to have their grandchild to stay for a few days. I'm not running away with the child. He's overbearing and wouldn't let me spend the night with them even during last months of my pregnancy.

How did he stop you?

I will always choose my parents over him no matter what.

Forget the other issues for a moment, even though they are serious. If the above is true, your marriage is already over. This is untenable.

Do you live with his Mother for cultural reasons op?

It sounds as though you both have be Ty involved families and perhaps your relationship isn't strong enough to survive?

This is quite complex I suspect. How does he prevent you from staying elsewhere? Why are you living with your in laws, and what is your relationship like with them?

Is he controlling in other ways?

I think that a lot of parents wouldn't want the baby to be away from them at that age, although I'd argue that most men would understand the value a woman might get from being with her own parents at times during the newborn phase. Certainly, my mum stayed with us off and on when DC were tiny and it was super helpful to have her here for me. Also, if he's so determined to have baby near by, is he hands on and doing his fair share of the nights etc?

But it also sounds like he doesn't like you even going out to your parents for the day? I mean, a 55 minute journey seems pretty standard. I was out and about with my newborn to see people, do things and as Dh was working, I can't see why he'd have had even a one minute issue.

I also think he should be thinking 'why does she feel the need to go see her mum so much does she feel more supported there'

It's very awkward if him and your mum have argued do you not feel like you could ask him to come and stay at your mums with you?

Do you feel comfortable with the in laws?

You don't sound happy with him op and I think you should trust your gut. Your health visitor /midwife if you're still with them would be helpful to talk this through with

'Wouldn't let me spend the night with them even when pregnant'

Tell us more about who said what here please op

I just couldn't go he said its not safe for me and baby his excuses are just ridiculous.

It's not remotely equivalent. The baby is one month old.

OP: get out while you can. You will regret it if you don't.

He initially hated the fact that I wanted my mum to stay and look after me after I gave birth. We argued about it and he said he didbt want her to stay because he didn't want her involved. She ended up staying with me and he was rude and disrespectful throughout her stay. Not staying downstairs or saying as much as good morning or even small talk. She felt that he didn't want her and got offended and told him what she thought. She doesn't feel comfortable coming here anymore because of his behaviour. I can't continue to be in the middle of this all the time. He says he's not rude but a shy man and people have to accept that. This is his excuse for everything.

I want to just up and go for a few days but he's said if you do we're done. Part of me is still thinking to just go I'm entitled to a bit of a break from this same old routine. But I know he'll try to stop me or turn up at my parents front door and make a scene and take the baby. Which will just further aggravate the situation with my parents. It'll end up being a either choose him or us scenario from my parents who really want to see their grandchild and have me stay for a little while instead of rushed visits that I'm sick of.

My parents were away and usually I go and stay the night or two and check letters and things and this time again he didn't let me stay over, he even refused to step into their house. He stayed outside until I was finished. He's just making the situation worse with his behaviour. And i keep making excuses for him because I want to keep both sides happy. I don't have any siblings so preserving my relationship with my parents is important to me but I also don't want my marriage to breakdown. But I don't see a way out I have to lose one of them.

Trying to alienate you from your family: red flag
Controlling behaviour: red flag

You are being abused. Get out and go live with your mum.

OP - i don’t often say that - but you need to get out. Save yourself and your child from this. It’s not going to get better.
And it’ll get worse for both you and your child.

You are being controlled, and worse of all - you are thinking he has the right to do so.
You are not a lesser person.
And of course you can stay fir a few days with your parents.

If he really doesn’t want to be apart from baby - (which we know is just an excuse) - he can come along too. And be a normal human being - get along with in-laws.

If you stay at your parents - he has NO rights to take the baby. He can shout, of course. Then - you call police.
Even if you divorce now - the court wont let him take the baby - he’ll have to visit. And he wont even have overnights - as courts are only focused on whats best for the baby. And at this age - its being with the mother.

Your set up and his controlling nature are setting off alarm bells here OP.

Why shouldn’t you stay over at your own parents? I think maybe I would go and stay and hope he does call it off.

How can he make a scene and ‘take the baby’? Would you let him? Are you all scared of him?

x

I absolutely agree that she needs to get out, immediately because he’s a controlling, dangerous person who is cutting her off from her family.

But how is it not equivalent? If the baby isn’t being breastfed, it is just one parent taking baby away from the other?

I wouldn’t want to do that to my husband at all.

He's not coming off as a Prince here, but then I'd say there are two sides to every story and the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

Theoretically (I know it's impractical in real life with baby only a month old) would you be happy to go stay with your parents without baby, spending a night or two away from them? If the answer is no, then he shouldn't have to spend nights apart from baby either.

You say he objected to your Mum coming to stay / told her to leave. Was that when you've been living with his Mum and Sister? I can't imagine that being anything other than awkward for everyone involved to be honest. What were their thoughts on her coming to stay?

Putting all that aside though, if you'd really always choose your parents over him then you might as well leave regardless, because whether he's a saint or the devil that's not the basis of a marriage.

If he had told you if you go we are done I would go.

May be plenty of legit reasons for him not wanting you and baby going out so early. Also, may be plenty of legit reason for him not liking your mother. But that kind of crap of "if you don't do as I told there will be consequences". That is totally unacceptable.

@eatsleepfarmrepeat no, it isn't equivalent. Google "fourth trimester". It's just not the same thing at all.

This was exactly my thought.

Divorce and co-parent. You will both need to accept that yout child will spend time alone with the other parent and former in-laws.

He keeps saying from October I can go. But why can't I do what I want when I want. My parents think the same thing why is it when he wants? It's all oh he's too young oh he's still recovering. I just love both sides it's not about me prioritising my parents but I've listened to him and almost obeyed everything he's said. It's not fair on my patents to always be on the back bench while he does what he wants.