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Original poster

Confused...should I divorce him or am I overreacting?

106 replies

Loui07 · 11/09/2023 19:47

I've been married for just under 2 years and recently have given birth. Our relationship was put to the test since then. He's ott about me going out with baby especially when going to London which is where my family are.
Bearing in mind it'd only a 55 minute journey. He refused to let me stay over the night his excused are oh he's only 1 month old and I don't want him away from me. My family would like me to stay with them and I'm always stuck in the middle. He's disrespectful towards my mum and during a heated argument he told her to go home. He's not understanding or compassionate and likes to control my every move. I will always choose my parents over him no matter what. But I feel as though if he can't get on with his in laws and vice versa then what marriage is this ?
I don't want to get divorced but I don't see a way out!

OP posts:
Original poster
Loui07 · 11/09/2023 21:59

Im just worried he'll try forcing baby off of me and drive off or something and make things even worse. Hes more than wrlcome to come thats always been the case but if he chooses not to come along nothing i can do.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 11/09/2023 22:03

could it be because at this point your baby will be vaccinated?

we don't know details of every instance when you have "obeyed" him. The examples you have provided really depend on these details - a parent not wanting their young baby being away from them for a night is not that unusual, even if it may be a bit of a "baby brain fever" (fathers get that too).

just talk to one another - ask him why he dislikes your mum, tell him that he is being overprotective and controlling.

and you need your own place, away from either set of in-laws

QueSyrahSyrah · 11/09/2023 22:12

But why can't I do what I want when I want

Frankly, because you had a child with someone who has exactly the same responsibility for and right to that child as you do.

Until the child is self-sufficient enough to freely go between the two of you under their own steam there's going to be incidences when you have to take both the child's needs and the other parent's needs into account, and that holds true if you stay together or divorce I'm afraid.

I echo that if you do stay together you need to not be living with either set of parents.

FictionalCharacter · 11/09/2023 22:14

If he’d seriously turn up and try to snatch your one month old baby from you if you went to stay with your parents, he’s unhinged and you should get away from him. Why won’t he even step into their house?

What do his mum and sister, who you live with, think of his behaviour? Have you posted about him and them before? There has been at least one thread about a MIL and SIL trying to take over a baby as though they were the parents. I hope that wasn’t you because that would make it even worse.

PaintedEgg · 11/09/2023 22:15

the thing is if she takes the baby without his agreement she's the one doing the snatching and that would be one hell of the situation to explain to social service if it gets to that

(im not saying it would be right, just that them trying to one-up each other and not communicate will lead to further trouble)

Mari9999 · 11/09/2023 22:29

@Loui07
This push and pull with your parents and his parents sounds pretty immature for 2 adults.

If you are old enough to decide to have a child, in this particular case you might be better off living on your own without parents. The 2 of you seem to be unable to manage this without viewing it as some kind of competition that requires you to position yourselves in biological family corner.

His letting you do something is a non starter. Your always siding with your biological family is a childishly immature stance. It does not sound as though logic and reason play any part in the decision making process that happens between the 2 of you.

There is a good chance that your baby may mature at a faster rate than his or her parents.

ell87 · 11/09/2023 22:36

Sounds like you guys have issues.
If you're always going to put your parents first and without them involved in this marriage then there is no marriage to you, then it sounds like you don't really love him.
Perhaps he picks up on that which is why he's sensitive and overreacts. Wrongly or rightly he's overreacting and you're not showing him love by putting your parents first.

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 11/09/2023 22:43

He's not understanding or compassionate and likes to control my every move

You are not over-reacting. This is really worrying, and there is only one thing you can do. You already know what that is, and you are going to have to leave him. He will not change, and there is no point in hoping that he might. He will get worse.

Greenberg2 · 11/09/2023 22:55

He can't both say that he won't be around your parents and not allow you to take your baby to see your parents. It's his unreasonableness that's causing the problem. This is what concerns me. Alongside his controlling behaviour. As soon as an adult talks about another adult 'letting' them do certain things or banning them then it raises a massive red flag.

I can understand why you'd choose your caring and considerate parents over your abusive and controlling husband. Think very carefully before bringing up your child around this man.

monsteramunch · 11/09/2023 22:57

He's not understanding or compassionate and likes to control my every move

This is a description of coercive control.

Which is literally a criminal offence.

QS90 · 11/09/2023 23:14

Sorry you have all this to deal with, instead of being able to fully enjoy your new baby.

Yes, it's very controlling and unacceptable behaviour. My OH wouldn't have dreamed of doing any of these things when our children were born (or indeed any other time). I took both of our babies to stay with my parents when they were about 6 weeks old, for 10 days or so, so they could meet that side of the family who aren't near us. It is a very normal thing, which it seems you know, despite the controlling nonsense he has been telling you.

It's great that it sounds like you have a supportive family op, for if you decide to leave X

QS90 · 11/09/2023 23:23

PaintedEgg · 11/09/2023 22:15

the thing is if she takes the baby without his agreement she's the one doing the snatching and that would be one hell of the situation to explain to social service if it gets to that

(im not saying it would be right, just that them trying to one-up each other and not communicate will lead to further trouble)

Edited

Sorry PaintedEgg, this isn't correct. The SS aren't going to bat an eyelid at a mother (presumably main carer too?) taking a baby to stay with her parents, where the father knows where they are...

Original poster
Loui07 · 12/09/2023 06:40

@QS90 i know i feel so upset that i havent been able to enjoy this newborn phase or focus on recovering. I just want it all to end and everyone to get along the way it was before. He needs to change his ways but hes too stubborn to do so.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loui07 · 12/09/2023 06:46

@FictionalCharacter His mum usually agrees with me so much so that when I was pregnant and he stopped me from going towards the last few months she said to me if only you'd told me i would have had a word with him to let you go.
I dont even have to drive i could just take the train so there isnt that fear of oh youll have an accident whilst driving pregnant. But even his mum cant get through to him, he jusr argues back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loui07 · 12/09/2023 06:49

@Greenberg2 He just point blank refuses and says until hes older im not letting you take him there. Im breasrfeeding too so he said hed take him and give him formula if i thought of going.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 12/09/2023 08:12

This is very very wrong. I’d be heading to my parents and never coming back if I was you.

PaintedEgg · 12/09/2023 11:18

QS90 · 11/09/2023 23:23

Sorry PaintedEgg, this isn't correct. The SS aren't going to bat an eyelid at a mother (presumably main carer too?) taking a baby to stay with her parents, where the father knows where they are...

Show quote history

do you think this is how this would be presented? because it may well be presented as unhinged woman taking her kid somewhere without telling anyone where she is off to or for how long

there is something clearly wrong there and OPs partner seems to have it out for his in-laws. there reason why is very important for context bus she is either unaware of what the reason is or choose to not disclose it

@Loui07 is it just your parents that he doesn't want your newborn to have contact with? and if so - why? what was the argument about? why he dislikes them?

CalistoNoSolo · 12/09/2023 11:32

It's a mess and I would love to hear both sides, because I'm not convinced the husband is the big bad abuser and the wife is the poor little victim. But the main thing is you married and had a child with someone who you would ditch without a second thought if your parents told you to. That's deeply unfair to your husband and a really strange position to hold.

Original poster
Loui07 · 12/09/2023 11:36

@PaintedEgg its a combination of things its after the argument with mum and the fact that he was just downright rude and the fact that the distance is too far apparently for a baby thats nearly 2 months old. He wants anyone who wants to see him to come to here. I just hate being stuck in the middle. I dont want my son growing up in a broken family but i dont see a way out unless i pack and go for a few days.

OP posts:
Raffington55 · 12/09/2023 11:40

I don't think it's weird to stay at your parents' with the baby from time to time?

PaintedEgg · 12/09/2023 11:49

Loui07 · 12/09/2023 11:36

@PaintedEgg its a combination of things its after the argument with mum and the fact that he was just downright rude and the fact that the distance is too far apparently for a baby thats nearly 2 months old. He wants anyone who wants to see him to come to here. I just hate being stuck in the middle. I dont want my son growing up in a broken family but i dont see a way out unless i pack and go for a few days.

thats still a little vague - what was he rude about, what was the argument?

parents not wanting their baby to travel at such a young age is not uncommon even if unreasonable. parents not wanting their baby to be away from them over night is even less uncommon

you dont sound any more reasonable than him when you say that basically your child will grow up in fragmented family unless you disregard your husband feelings, take the baby away without his consent and start the divorce proceedings

what was the reason for the argument? and why does he not want his child to travel? if its just the age (two months is really not that much) then the issue will resolve itself soon enough

SleepingStandingUp · 12/09/2023 11:54

He's controlling and you would prioritise your parents over him

The marriage is dead in the water.

Wait for him to go to work, pack some stuff and tell the in laws you're popping out to play group. Go and stay with your parents. Take it from there.

Mari9999 · 12/09/2023 11:57

@Loui07

I may have missed this information, but are you and your husband teenagers?

HereWeAreAtTheEdgeOfTheWorld · 12/09/2023 11:59

Are you living in the UK, @Loui07 ?

And if so, are he and his parents British?

ChristmasFluff · 12/09/2023 11:59

He's definitely controlling. No loving partner would want to deny a new mother an overnight stay with her own Mum.