Confused...should I divorce him or am I overreacting?

[Loui07]

I've been married for just under 2 years and recently have given birth. Our relationship was put to the test since then. He's ott about me going out with baby especially when going to London which is where my family are.
Bearing in mind it'd only a 55 minute journey. He refused to let me stay over the night his excused are oh he's only 1 month old and I don't want him away from me. My family would like me to stay with them and I'm always stuck in the middle. He's disrespectful towards my mum and during a heated argument he told her to go home. He's not understanding or compassionate and likes to control my every move. I will always choose my parents over him no matter what. But I feel as though if he can't get on with his in laws and vice versa then what marriage is this ?
I don't want to get divorced but I don't see a way out!

I feel like there is more to this story. I wouldn't take any rash decisions with a 1 month old. if you really want to leave, get your ducks in a row - speak to friends. what's your earning potential? who will support you after divorce?

@ChristmasFluff that depends...if OP does everything her mum tells her, and her mum happens to be someone who, for example, does not believe in peanut allergy then a loving parent would be well within their right to not want that overnight stay

It's a mess from both sides. It's not normal to want to leave to stay with your parents regularly once a married adult, yet he's being very controlling which is another concern. Whose choice is it that you live with his family or is it financial?

I would think about what you really want, perhaps talk to his mum and express how you feel. Sounds like she could help in the immediate timeframe but going forward I would think about why you want to go away to your parents, are you really unhappy then make a plan if the situation doesn't resolve

@Loui07 - can i ask - is this an arranged marriage?

Your setup and your H’s behaviour reminds me of how some of my Asian British friends stories about what sometimes happens in their communities.

Men still feeling entitled to a ‘head of household’ status and women placating them.
Controlling their women, isolating from family - seems to be a common theme.

Don’t listen to people calling you coming to visit your parents - that takes 55min - ‘taking a trip’ that you somehow need your H’s permission.

It’s not a trip. It’s how long it takes from one part of London to the other.
We don’t live in a country where women need men’s permission to get around.

Your H won’t change.

we still dont know why he doesn't want his baby travelling

is it because the baby is so young and he has a baby brain fever? or is it because the baby may have been sick, is not yet vaccinated, or something happened with the in-laws that made him want to keep the distance? was the pregnancy ok, or was there some risk involved?

OP is quick to describe her side, but so far said nothing about her husband's actual reasons / grievances. She was quick to say he was rude to her mother, but we don't know what either her mother or her husband has said

@PaintedEgg - it’s not about ‘traveling’ with the baby.
Did you miss the part where he wouldn’t ALLOW her to visit her parents when she was pregnant?
It’s not about his ‘reasons’.
I am all for trying to see all sides. But this is a clear case of controlling behaviour.
OP sounds scared of him. This isn’t right.

@MMmomDD - i didnt miss that part, thats why i asked why. is it just the parents? does it extend to other people? was she high risk? are we going to get a drip feed that her mother just came back from prison?

there is clearly something missing and OP is strategically avoiding answering those questions

@PaintedEgg

Not sure what you think is acceptable in a couple. But even of my parent had returned from prison - or was awful - etc -
I still won’t tolerate my partner deciding for me if I am allowed to visit…

I think what’s missing is a cultural background. This behaviour isn’t surprising for patriarchal cultures

@MMmomDD key question here - is he stopping HER or is he stopping her taking their child there? if he is ok with her being there, as long as she doesn't take their baby with her, then he isn't controlling her but the access these grandparents have to their baby - and this could be a different can of worms

@PaintedEgg

He did stop HER before there even was a baby…🤷🏻‍♀️

Not sure how much clearer it can be.

If this was a man saying he’d always choose his parents over his girlfriend, best believe he’d be crucified on here.

Not taking away that he sounds controlling btw.

in her last months of pregnancy - presumably it didn't happen before. Hence why it would be interesting why - now it seems like he doesn't mind her going as long as baby stays with him. he also argued with her mother and asked her to leave his house

so im wondering what happened there that he so dislikes his in-laws in context of his baby

I will always choose my parents over him no matter what.

This statement is not what a marriage should be like. I'm not saying you are wrong and he is right about everything (he does sound controlling) but this means it is over unless you can sort these issues out.

@PaintedEgg

So - in your mind - a woman in last months of pregnancy loses agency to decide to visit her parents who live less than an hour away?

Or is it more likely that he has been treating her as his possession and a vessel carrying his son.

My DH comes before everyone. I also find it strange that OP would always pick her parents over her DH.

nope, but im trying to imagine reasons why someone would be against these visits while, presumably, they dont mind them otherwise

she said she'd always pick her parents over him, the said she always obey him - so which one is it and why only act in an unhealthy way whichever one she choses?

there are abusive spouses just as there are abusive parents - and i wonder if this case may in fact involve both

@MMmomDD another, perhaps a bit extreme example, i can see someone saying a pregnant woman should not visit her parents if she has had a history of alcohol abuse and they are likely to enable / encourage her drinking even while pregnant. I can see a spouse being against visits if pregnancy was very high risk but the pregnant woman insisted on going under pressure from her parents

he does sound controlling, but OP was so vague in her description of his behaviour that i began to wonder why he dislikes his in-laws so much

I think I remember your other threads…

You have GOT to leave this cunt.

You're not stuck in the middle. You're at the bottom of the pile and your disgusting abusive husband ("shy man", my arse) firmly believes he is at the top.
He is so horrible he threatens to take a new born baby from it's mother! What sort of loving father would do that?

This is coercive control, which is an offence. From Women's Aid:
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

Domestic abuse isn’t always physical. Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim. This controlling behaviour is designed to make a person dependent by isolating them from support, exploiting them, depriving them of independence and regulating their everyday behaviour.

Some common examples of coercive behaviour are:

• Isolating you from friends and family
• Depriving you of basic needs, such as food
• Monitoring your time
• Monitoring you via online communication tools or spyware
• Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep
• Depriving you access to support services, such as medical services
• Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you’re worthless
• Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you
• Controlling your finances
• Making threats or intimidating you

I think you need to contact the police about him.

Get the hell out and stay out.

If even his own mother says he's going too far then you can bet he actually is. If he turns up to try to take the baby off you then call the police.

When you are breastfeeding is the best time to leave. If he did try to take the babe the police will insist he returns him to continue breastfeeding. The police see this a lot.

Tell your dh that you are going and what day you will be back, and that if he turns up to take the baby you will be calling the police.

Sorry op but this man will only get more controlling, best to get out now before your baby gets older and sees it all . Imagine how nice and calm and happy you will be just you and your parents and baby.

@gogomoto im just tired. I want a change of scenery to see familiar faces to be around other people that I havent seen for months. We're looking to move out because things werent financially feasible for us to move out sooner.

@MMmomDD I was even not able to go to both my friends weddings in June because "anything could happen and being 8 months or so pregnant i shouldnt be away from home" i listened to him throughout but now regret it. I should have just gone, but something is stopping me, i hate conflict i hate arguments. I have never walked out but until when should my wishes be disregarded.

@PaintedEgg I avoid conflict by pleasing people around me. Its not grear but thats what I do. I cant tolerate arguments especially when it involves the 2 most important people in my life, it is tearing me apart.
I do not have any siblings so naturally I want to maintain a healthy relationship with my family its only ever been us my whole life. But my husband should understand the bond. I struggled when i left them when we first married, he married me knowing how close i am to them and i dont see anything wrong with that. All i want from him is to maintain a level of respect. Ive respected his mum regardless of her comments towards me and issues that happened in the past. So why cant he? Theyre older than him yet he acts as though theyre his mates and doesnt understand that some things cant be said and done.