Confused...should I divorce him or am I overreacting?

[Loui07]

I've been married for just under 2 years and recently have given birth. Our relationship was put to the test since then. He's ott about me going out with baby especially when going to London which is where my family are.
Bearing in mind it'd only a 55 minute journey. He refused to let me stay over the night his excused are oh he's only 1 month old and I don't want him away from me. My family would like me to stay with them and I'm always stuck in the middle. He's disrespectful towards my mum and during a heated argument he told her to go home. He's not understanding or compassionate and likes to control my every move. I will always choose my parents over him no matter what. But I feel as though if he can't get on with his in laws and vice versa then what marriage is this ?
I don't want to get divorced but I don't see a way out!

@PaintedEgg He has always had an issue with me staying away. It is not new, but i never used to listen or i used to just spend the day and come back. But theres a fear now that wasnt there before - im not sure if it is baby or if it is my fear of things escalating if i do go or do not go.

Your husband is abusive. Go home qbd be with your family and people who love you.

@Loui07 if im understanding this correctly some of your mum's comments are not the nicest. Just because you accept your mum's comments does not mean others will. Their age does not matter - they can only expect as much respect as they give, if they dont respect him, he is not obliged to respect them.

His control over you is another issue - it seems like your home life and your parents treatment of you was equally toxic and controlling. His fears for the pregnancy may have been normal, but ultimately it should have been your call to go to those weddings.

if you dont want to spend the rest of your life pushed over by people then you need strong boundaries both with your husband and your parents.

and btw, you too dont have to "respect" his mum if her comments upset you. Her age doesn't matter either - you're an adult and now also a mother, you are entitled to tell people to back off, demand apologies or just tell them to shut up if polite tone doesn't work

Where did you get this from “if im understanding this correctly some of your mum's comments are not the nicest.”
I can’t see anything from the OP about comments made by her mum.

Does he not work? Can you leave while he’s at work? If he doesn’t work, then talk to your parents and ask them to visit and take you and baby back with them. They can protect you and call the police if he kicks off. You need to leave him.

Also, he’s not shy he’s a controlling asshole who is not at all shy about making your mum uncomfortable. And don’t trust his mum, she’s probably not on your side.

thats why i said "if" - they had an argument about something. something has been said by both sides that was rude and OP has implied she accepted her MiL comments regardless of what they were, but her husband cannot do that for her mother

in fact, neither of them should accept their parents in law to be rude to them in any way

Fucking hell PaintedEgg.

Perhaps her parents are also drug dealers or selling organs on the black market and he's worried about his baby's kidney.

Never have I ever seen so much bending and stretching to try to excuse a controlling abusive man.

im not excusing his controlling behaviour - ive said it couple of times

in fact in one post i've said that it can turn very ugly if they start snatching this baby out of each others hands so knowing his logic (or lack of thereof) will be important for OP to gauge what she can do and how to proceed (even if he doesn't say so on here).

Basically - imagine custody battle if they divorce. If he is as bad as it seems then I wouldn't be surprised if OPs parents were painted as organ selling drug dealers.

PaintedEgg, Stop creating fear out of thin air. You are skating very close to being as abusive as her DH right now.

OP, I hope you got some decent sleep last night and can understand what is happening in your marriage a bit clearer. If you really want to make it work then go to counselling (by yourself), but if you are feeling fearful then please contact Women's Aid who can support you better than this forum. You can email if you can't talk.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

@INeedAnotherName few weeks ago there was a thread of a woman whose mother in law was extremely rude. her husband at some point grabbed their baby and drove off with a baby and the mother in law - everyone agreed he was in the wrong.

because here we are talking about woman doing the same thing its seen as ok. Few other posters pointed it out - him being controlling makes him no less of a parent. Creating this fantasy of "you can just grab your baby and leave him" won't work unless she really thinks it through, including the potential custody agreement. His control wont disappear just because they will be divorced since he is and always will be this child's father.

and maybe its because I am pregnant, but if my husband said "i put my parents ahead of you, so I will take our few weeks old baby on a train (when you explicitly said you don't want me to) and stay with my parents overnight" I would see red.

@Loui07 You need some serious counselling. Your situation is so fucked up.

I am not sure your parents come out of this any better than your husband. You seem to have no agency in your own life. You need to take back control, from all of them.

Personally I would never have brought a baby into your living circumstances but you have, and you need to put your big girl pants on and sort this mess out, for the sake of both you and your child.

I agree with @adriftinadenofvipers , and also the previous suggestion of contacting Women's Aid.

@Loui07 - you need help sorting out this mess. In your shoes I'd also get advice about your legal situation from an experienced family solicitor. You are in an abusive marriage and you are considering divorce. Better get your ducks in a row sooner rather than later, so you can exercise some control over events rather than merely react to them.

@INeedAnotherName I am sleeping to escape whats going on. Im not strong enough to "stand up" to either side. But i know what i want. I want to go for a break for a few days, i dont see it as a crime to want to destress and get away to somewhere quieter. He is complaining that he isnt sleeping well because of being disturbed at night if i wake baby for a feed or if i turn lamp on to change nappy. He wakes up shouting as though its intentional. Surely me going for a few days will mean that he can sleep all he likes. He doesnt help at night anyways its always been me and ive not complained about it but shouting because hes seen a bit of light through the lamp is abit much.

@PaintedEgg there is no comparison between a baby being taken somewhere by it’s primary carer or a baby being taken somewhere by it’s non primary carer who’s been clearly describes as unsupportive and angry. In this case it’s a dad who clearly refuses to provide any support at night and it’s unclear whether he does anything ever for baby but he does get angry and yell. Baby will be completely fine as long as they are with their mum, and quite possibly better off wihtout the angry abusive man around, and definitley better off if their primary carer is happier. and depriving a dad of their baby for a few days when that is depriving them of maybe 20 minutes active parenting time daily isn’t that cruel- if these dads loved their baby so much they’d choose to spend more time with them. They’d be better. Don’t try and compare the two events. That dad you mention took the baby to punish the mum. The op would be taking the baby because the baby needs her very much and because it would tear her apart to leave the baby. NOT to punish him. There is no comparison.

I think you are at the point where you just need to accept that growing up in a "broken" family will be better than the current set-up.

but you need to be smart about how you go about leaving AND you need to work on your boundaries. Both with your husband and other people - including your parents

I understand that your default position is to avoid conflict, but you are about to enter situation that will be very high conflict by nature and you will need an absolute laser focus on what's best for you and your baby, which may mean a lot of people will get crossed with you. You shouldn't feel "stuck in the middle", you should be looking exclusively at what is best for you, not trying to please your parents, your husband and your mother in law.

and you will absolutely need a lawyer and as soon as possible

@Codlingmoths Regardless of who feeds the baby at night, it is pretty presumptive to say the being away from the baby is more emotionally difficult for one parent than the other. Are you assuming that the dad loves his child less than does the mom.

Both of these parents seem very immature in their responses and reactions.

100% this, why did you marry?

he should be the one divorcing you really

Reading comments from people saying that both parents are exactly equal and interchangeable - when we are talking about 1-2months old - either
… dont have children
… have forgotten what the first 6mo of life with baby were
… won some sort or husband lottery and married a unicorn

In reality - and statistically - majority of men aren’t the primary carers of babies. It takes them a lot longer to bond with babies and become more involved. Father’s connection to the baby is not the same as mother’s at that very early stage.
It’s most likely evolutionally, as majority of animal kingdom follows the same pattern in early babyhood.

So - it is not at all the same to compare mother going somewhere overnight. And if a father - (non-unicorn) - took the child away while not being primary carer.

Similarly - PaintedEgg said something about imagining a custody battle.
Its a really silly thing to say - just shows how uninformed poster is about the issue.
There won’t be a custody battle..

Not at the age of the baby. And capable sane mother.
Courts are VERY clear - they focus on what’s best for baby. And at thar stage - mothers deemed the most important in baby’s lives. Father won’t even get an overnight visit - should it come to that.

OP needs to decide what she wants and do it. Rather than being stuck in indecisioj.

So this prince among men shouts angrily at you when you turn the light on to change your newborn's nappy during the night?

Go and have a break at your mum and dad's with the baby, and consider carefully whether you should return to him.

@myNewName21 Clearly you don't have parents who have suffered to raise you and done above and beyond for you to be who you are, but I have, and i'll be damned if i throw all that away for a man i've known for a few years who has no respect for me or them and wants to keep me and our baby to himself and his family.

@MMmomDD - what is your experience with divorces and custody agreements? are you aware that this man who is not allowing OP to effectively leave the house is entitled to spend at least 50% of time with their child? even if she could argue that for time being the baby should be with her most of the time, the baby wont be a baby forever. She needs to plan for that. For example: she should start gathering notes and evidence of his shouting when she puts the lights on at night.

Chances are he may not bother, but she should not hope his lack of interest in their baby needs will be greater than his need to control others.

@PaintedEgg

You are speaking in generalities, and with only a limited awareness of the reality of childcare arrangements.

My experience is practical, from various angles. Including a friend working in the system.

And the reality is that it’s not as easy for men to actually get 50/50. Entitlement aside - court does look at what is best
for the child.

And in the case of a baby - it is close to impossible he could get awarded 50/50.

So - if she were to divorce now - he’d get visitations.
And as the baby would be mostly under mother’s care - contact with father would have to be built up from small and gradual introduction.

It would be very difficult to argue for 50/50 arrangement in this situation, even in the future when the child is older.

So please - stop scaring the OP. She does not need misinformation.
And she does not need to keep notes of him being unhelpful at night.

She needs to stop trying to please everyone else and claim her agency.

Op, I feel so scared for you. I feel your relationship has always been bordering on control by him, but it's stepped up a game since your DC has been born.

So to summarise, you live with his DM, who has made unkind comments about you. You have to pretty much stay there all of the time, as DC isn't allowed to travel or be away from home. You would like to spend a day or two with your DP (which would be fair as the other GP sees the baby daily) and you're not permitted as the baby is too young?
Yet he shouts at you (clearly in front of the baby you're trying to settle) overnight as the baby requires feeding and changing?

This is only going to get worse 🥹