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Original poster

Partner left and wants to come back but worries we’ll argue

110 replies

Shannab · 08/09/2023 10:05

So my partner left me 3 months ago. We have 2 children. He just says we keep arguing and falling out and he doesn’t want the kids to see us arguing. However the arguments are over silly things and totally resolvable… like for example who’s more tired me at home with kids vs him at work. Little bickering over things like this lead to him losing his temper and walking out the door. He officially left to live with his parents 3 months ago.
He is now saying he does want us to be a family again, and so do I, but he is worried about the little arguments. He said he will come back if I don’t pick little arguments with him. I’m trying to explain to him bickering amongst couples is relatively normal and our fall outs can easily be worked through. But he is hesitant to return home as he doesn’t want to tolerate any arguments.

Can I just have your opinions on this matter please?

OP posts:
Insommmmnia · 08/09/2023 10:09

Sounds like the perfect way to shut you down whenever you say something he doesn't like

I wonder if the who is too tired which on the surface sounds petty was actually because you are being expected to pick up everything home and house related?

lots of bickering doesn't have to be normal but if you have young children and you are tired etc its also not abnormal

Original poster
Shannab · 08/09/2023 10:11

The trouble is we want to be together and he is in talks of returning. But he wants us to never argue. And I feel that is unrealistic. Should we reconcile? I’m worried he’ll walk out again over silly arguments

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 08/09/2023 10:11

I would tell him that you are you, you are not going to change and not bicker as a condition of him returning.

Either he wants to be with you all, family mess, stresses, arguments,obligations, everything that goes with it or he doesn't.

He can't stroll back in and be king of the house.

He probably hasn't had the red carpet, fun time out, young free single man experience he thought he would have and has decided that you giving him sex food and housework is the better option but for him to agree to do that you must not challenge his mighty existence in any way. Because he really is a man god just no one realises it right now.

Personally I would say thanks but no thanks.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/09/2023 10:11

I think you both need to stop arguing about petty shit.

Competing over tiredness is ridiculous. With young kids everyone is tired! As long as his non working hours are seen as shared time with you in terms of house/child responsibility, and you both get the same downtime without the kids, what is to argue about?

comedownwithme · 08/09/2023 10:11

Can I just have your opinions on this matter please?

He left because he chose to. He didn't leave because of the arguments. If that was the problem he would have communicated and looked for solutions. He juts bailed because he wanted the single life and now he is missing the sex. Tell him to fuck off.

GingerIsBest · 08/09/2023 10:12

Well, I wouldn't consider constant bickering to be normal personally. But I also consider it very worrying that apparently all this bickering is entirely your fault? Like @frozendaisy is the bickering over who is more tired because he doesn't want to do anything at home with kids/chores?

it sounds to me like he moved out as he wants to make sure that you never question him again and now he wants you to agree to do whatever he likes.

BeeCucumber · 08/09/2023 10:12

comedownwithme · 08/09/2023 10:11

Can I just have your opinions on this matter please?

He left because he chose to. He didn't leave because of the arguments. If that was the problem he would have communicated and looked for solutions. He juts bailed because he wanted the single life and now he is missing the sex. Tell him to fuck off.

This.

GingerIsBest · 08/09/2023 10:13

Shannab · 08/09/2023 10:11

The trouble is we want to be together and he is in talks of returning. But he wants us to never argue. And I feel that is unrealistic. Should we reconcile? I’m worried he’ll walk out again over silly arguments

Oh, he will definitely walk out when you argue. Until eventually you stop questioning him or disagreeing with him. Ever.

frozendaisy · 08/09/2023 10:16

Shannab · 08/09/2023 10:11

The trouble is we want to be together and he is in talks of returning. But he wants us to never argue. And I feel that is unrealistic. Should we reconcile? I’m worried he’ll walk out again over silly arguments

Say you can't and will never promise that, no arguments.

Next you won't be able to our with your friends "because it will cause an argument"
You won't be able to buy a dress, because it will cause an argument
You won't be able to paint a room
Get a new car
Employ a window cleaner
Suggest a holiday destination
Invite friends to stay

Your life will shrink to "not cause an argument".

I wouldn't promise this in a million blue moon Sundays.

We actually like bickering, sometimes if we are feeling a bit bored we will poke the bear to start a bit of a bicker!

It's fine. It's fun sometimes. It hones your debating skills. No way would I like in a non bicker relationship.

Fairymcclary · 08/09/2023 10:18

He left for another reason. You don’t leave you partner, who you love, and your kids, who you love because you feel bickering isn’t good for them.

Learning that dad can up and leave is not good for them. Not showing kids you can argue and then apologise and make up is not good for them. Leaving your partner to cope with day to day life alone is not good for you .

Leaving and running back to mum and dad, having a good nights sleep each night, food cooked for him, bills paid for him, days and evenings to himself, a trip to the loo in peace and quiet, doom scrolling on his phone at his leisure, nights out with ‘the boys’, time to cycle/golf/video game etc is for HIM not the good of the kids.

His expectations of adult relationships are odd. A counsellor may help. Read Gottmans work - he covers resentment and fighting. It’s based on research.

mumonthehill · 08/09/2023 10:23

Bickering is normal especially in busy lives when all are tired. If he is saying you can never express frustration or hurt or anger over things he may have said or done then it will not be a healthy relationship at all. You may do so because you are tired or fed up, you may acknowledge this after the event but in good relationships these conversations are able to had without the threat of someone leaving. Never question me or my actions is an awful thing to live under.

Codlingmoths · 08/09/2023 10:33

No, I think you just want me to let you do whatever and as little as you want without my ever commenting on it, and I’m not interested. Particularly as our children already have one parent who gets in a temper when ever he’s criticised in the slightest way and who stormed out and left them - it’s really important to me that their remaining responsible parent model that women in relationships aren’t doormats who put up with all kinds of crappy behaviour from their partner. That’s a thanks but no thanks your offer by the way.

Seaoftroubles · 08/09/2023 10:36

Please don't allow him back on those terms, or he will just walk out whenever you have a disagreement. This kind of uncertainty would be very unsettling for your children and awful for you. He sounds extremely immature.
I wouldn't consider having him back until you have at least had some couples counselling where you can both learn to communicate and resolve conflict better. If this doesn't make a significant difference l would tell him to stay away and co parent between you.

Original poster
Shannab · 08/09/2023 10:36

That’s what I’ve said to him I said if you can’t handle a few silly little arguments with me without walking out the door then how will you do a long term relationship with anyone? Because all women will have disagreements with you at some point or another. But he said he wants to be with me on the condition I can promise to never say anything that could start an argument. Cos he said he will walk out after a few arguments. His communication style is unusual he expects me to let everything slide

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 08/09/2023 10:37

You shouldn't reconcile based on his immature requirement of no bickering which is basically a fee pass to act however he wishes.
I bet that you're both responsible for the bickering and sometimes in life your partner will annoy you because sometimes humans do shit things unconsciously or on purpose and you need to talk it out. You'd be setting your kids a terrible example if you invite him back then tolerate all bad behaviour from him because you'll know that he will leave again. That's no way to live and you'll make yourself sick.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 08/09/2023 10:38

Tell him to stay where he is

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 08/09/2023 10:39

Hard pass. Controlling shit

Ladybug14 · 08/09/2023 10:40

Shannab · 08/09/2023 10:36

That’s what I’ve said to him I said if you can’t handle a few silly little arguments with me without walking out the door then how will you do a long term relationship with anyone? Because all women will have disagreements with you at some point or another. But he said he wants to be with me on the condition I can promise to never say anything that could start an argument. Cos he said he will walk out after a few arguments. His communication style is unusual he expects me to let everything slide

Definitely do NOT allow him back

GingerIsBest · 08/09/2023 10:40

Shannab · 08/09/2023 10:36

That’s what I’ve said to him I said if you can’t handle a few silly little arguments with me without walking out the door then how will you do a long term relationship with anyone? Because all women will have disagreements with you at some point or another. But he said he wants to be with me on the condition I can promise to never say anything that could start an argument. Cos he said he will walk out after a few arguments. His communication style is unusual he expects me to let everything slide

Surely you can see how ridiculous this is? You should never say anything that might cause an argument? Take that to the extreme - you catch him shaggin another woman but if you say anything, an argument will ensue so you shouldn't say anything?

Please please please, stick with this break up. You're all better off for it.

Shoxfordian · 08/09/2023 10:40

No you don’t want him back; it’s totally unrealistic to say you’ll never argue with him

frozendaisy · 08/09/2023 10:41

Shannab · 08/09/2023 10:36

That’s what I’ve said to him I said if you can’t handle a few silly little arguments with me without walking out the door then how will you do a long term relationship with anyone? Because all women will have disagreements with you at some point or another. But he said he wants to be with me on the condition I can promise to never say anything that could start an argument. Cos he said he will walk out after a few arguments. His communication style is unusual he expects me to let everything slide

Ok fine that's he condition
You can't meet it
End of discussion

AuContraire · 08/09/2023 10:43

So he wants to be able to do as he pleases even if you are unhappy about it without you being allowed to even raise the fact that you disagree or are unhappy about it?

No. Absolutely not.

MsMarch · 08/09/2023 10:44

Well, the two of you can't even agree on him coming back without arguing so I think that's a sign that this is not a relationship worth keeping. He's being a twat.

AmandaHoldensLips · 08/09/2023 10:44

Is bickering normal? It depends. Picking petty arguments is not the way to a harmonious marriage.

If you want to make a go of it, maybe go to couples counselling for a while before moving back in together to see if you can find a better way to communicate.

TeeBee · 08/09/2023 10:45

Tell him to only come back when he's perfect then and not a moment before.
Sounds like a prick to me but I've had my fair share of selfish arsehole men and have little tolerance for them.

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