Partner left and wants to come back but worries we’ll argue

[Shannab]

So my partner left me 3 months ago. We have 2 children. He just says we keep arguing and falling out and he doesn’t want the kids to see us arguing. However the arguments are over silly things and totally resolvable… like for example who’s more tired me at home with kids vs him at work. Little bickering over things like this lead to him losing his temper and walking out the door. He officially left to live with his parents 3 months ago.
He is now saying he does want us to be a family again, and so do I, but he is worried about the little arguments. He said he will come back if I don’t pick little arguments with him. I’m trying to explain to him bickering amongst couples is relatively normal and our fall outs can easily be worked through. But he is hesitant to return home as he doesn’t want to tolerate any arguments.

Can I just have your opinions on this matter please?

How does he treat your children? Will they ever be allowed to disagree with anything he says? Are they going to feel it is their fault the next time he walks out?

He sounds like a total loser.

since he left how much parenting has he done?

he can come back when he is adult enough to realise it takes to to argue. And also that it is pointless rowing about who is the more tired. I love DH and we've been together 30 years but I can still feel a bubble up of resentment at how utterly clueless he was when DC were small.

for us, the thing that turned the bickering around was, instead of trying not to fight, we just tried to have a really good time as a family, with lots of fun. We had day trips out with DC, we listened to music together, we did silly dancing in the kitchen, built dens in the woods, made mud slides, snowmen etc etc. By focusing on having a lot of fun with dc we ended up enjoying ourselves.

the other good thing we did was started to go out one night a week, but only to something where we couldn't talk. No dinners where you discuss DC or sit in enxhausted silence. Go to gigs - comedy and music, or a film or play, then chat about what you did on the way home. that way you build new positive experiences together as a couple.

But he needs to see you're not the one who needs to make more effort. you are not the one who walked out on tiny children, or left an exhausted partner even more exhausted, handling family life alone.

Interesting update about the jobs. It basically demonstrates that it's not you that's the problem- he has unrealistic expectations of everyone else. Getting back together would create more trauma for the kids as any human would inevitably say something that pisses him off. This man is a walking red flag.

At least he has saved us all from shouting ltb as he has left you already.

He wants everything on his terms.

I suspect that will very much come to be something you do not want.

Don’t take him back on his terms. They are deeply unfair.

As someone else said - you are an option for him. Don’t be someone’s option when you can be someone else’s everything.

He can't even hold down a job OP.
Many men wish their jobs were better, but you know what they do them until they find something else because that is what their house, kids need them to do.

Many men let their wives have a voice because they married an equal not a house elf

Many men don't go running back to mummy because house elf says they are tired.

He is not a prince amongst men OP.

You are so lucky he took himself off, you weren't wishing he would go back to mummy he left of his own accord and you are even luckier in that he is telling you he won't come back unless you treat him like king of the house for absolutely no reason.

Read some posts on here OP.

They could easily be your future but you don't have to end up in that position.

Him taking himself off to mummy and insisting he won't come come unless you are mute to his faults is the best thing he could have done. He is giving you an out from a future of carrying him in silence

You have lost nothing but an utterly miserable future.

He doesn’t want to be with you. He can’t dictate what you can and can’t say, which he is. He is just as responsible for the arguments as you, he doesn’t need to respond, he should be able to control himself

he needs to agree to anger management to get some coping strategies, or counselling, as do you. Once you have done that that’s the time to look at moving back in

the arguments are over silly things and totally resolvable… like for example who’s more tired me at home with kids vs him at work. Little bickering over things like this lead

Everyone's referring to petty bickering, but I disagree. These arguments may be silly, but I wouldn't call them trivial. What's at stake is whose life/time is more important. Not an issue that crops up in a loving relationship based on mutual respect.

That’s why I’m not understanding his reason to leave over stupid petty fights that we easily resolved

To gain control over you. That's it.

Is this for real?

Tell him to do one 😂

So you just do as you are told and never express an opinion and everything will be fine. You OK with that? Of course not. Tell him that when he has grown up you may consider having him back, or not, depending on what you want.

I wouldnt allow him back. For this statement 'He said he will come back if I don’t pick little arguments with him. '
That's just blackmail. Arguments if regularly can be too much though, but if he had said we need to talk about how we can resolve arguments effectively...but he didn't. So if you ever have a beef with him that needs addressing that means he has you over a barrel, you'll get resentful and break up again. Its a no from me.

But he said he wants to be with me on the condition I can promise to never say anything that could start an argument. Cos he said he will walk out after a few arguments. His communication style is unusual he expects me to let everything slide

So he said he doesn't want the kids to see you arguing....what's his thought process there because it's surely not that he thinks it's unhealthy because he's trying to introduce a very unhealthy toxic rule.
Do you want your kids to grow up thinking it's ok for one parent to have to walk on eggshells, afraid that the other parent will walk out if they ever utter a cross word?

But he said he wants to be with me on the condition I can promise to never say anything that could start an argument

Now we’re getting to it. He wants to behave unreasonably, deeply unreasonably, and wants you to shut the fuck up about it, and so is dangling the sword of Damocles over your head - him walking out, again - to keep you in line. What a guy…

Why don’t you do couples counselling to both work on improving your communication and finding healthier ways to share frustrations.

arguing isn’t normal. Lots of kids grow up in homes were their parents could communicate and don’t argue and fight in front of them. While some minor disagreements are normal, those don’t need to turn into arguments. Normalizing arguing is unhealthy and he is right that it isn’t good for your kids. I couldnt live with someone who likes to argue and pick fights either.

since you both want to be together, go and get help to work on the dynamic you have and how you communicate. This seems like a resolvable issue

Well, he’s got you walking in eggshells before he even gets back through the door. That’s a win to him.

You’re in a bad place emotionally (he’s happier that way), you’re having to do the relationship work to keep him happy (he’s happier that way), you’re the one keeping the family together (he’s happier that way).

He’s going to turn you into a bangmaid with a windup key in your back. Don’t do it. Learn to live on your own.

So he's basically saying that he'll come back as long as you promise to do everything he says, otherwise if you dare to question him or bicker, he'll leave again. Nah, you're alright sunshine!

Never Argue means ‘don’t disagree with or contradict me’.

He is proposing that he will only be happy if you completely surrender to him. That’s his way. Why won’t he ever surrender to what you want?
why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who is telling you up front that the way disagreement will be resolved is for you to put yourself last, and him first.

Tell him you can have relationship but you’ll retain your own brain and he can live somewhere else.

What is he going to do differently ?

@Shannab - he doesn’t have an unusual communication style - he’s an impossible person. The fact that he’s had 5 jobs this year shows he has no idea how to get on with people. He seems to have ridiculously exacting standards of everyone else but apparently very low expectations of himself and also a very high opinion of himself. It’s really hard to imagine what there is to love about this man. He sounds like an overgrown toddler who is annoyed the world doesn’t revolve around him.

Wow, so you’re not allowed to say anything in case it casuals an argument and he’ll walk out again? Well doesn’t he sound like a prince? He wants to control your behaviour and turn you into someone who will do what they’re told. That can get in the fucking bin.

Bickering over petty shit is not normal it's childish and it would drive me mad to end up in constant arguments over such ridiculous things.
Grown adults should be able to discuss being tired without it becoming a competition, the fact that it does suggests one or both of you are being dismissive of the other or are exaggerating to justify lack of engagement in the work of family life. People who pull their weight can be met with understanding and people who are understood don't feel the need to claim greater hardship over the other.

I think if he does come back out would be better to get help improving your attitude/communication with each other rather than relying on working it out once it's already become a conflict

you do realise if you allow him back - he will walk out again. Stop giving him the power and tell him to get knotted.

Your post says that he’ll come back ‘if YOU stop picking arguments’

Sounds to me like he’s blaming everything on you and not taking any responsibilitg. So no, i’d tell him to fuck off as well.

Him wanting you to never argue sounds like him saying he wants you always to do what he wants