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Original poster

Partner left and wants to come back but worries we’ll argue

110 replies

Shannab · 08/09/2023 10:05

So my partner left me 3 months ago. We have 2 children. He just says we keep arguing and falling out and he doesn’t want the kids to see us arguing. However the arguments are over silly things and totally resolvable… like for example who’s more tired me at home with kids vs him at work. Little bickering over things like this lead to him losing his temper and walking out the door. He officially left to live with his parents 3 months ago.
He is now saying he does want us to be a family again, and so do I, but he is worried about the little arguments. He said he will come back if I don’t pick little arguments with him. I’m trying to explain to him bickering amongst couples is relatively normal and our fall outs can easily be worked through. But he is hesitant to return home as he doesn’t want to tolerate any arguments.

Can I just have your opinions on this matter please?

OP posts:
bjrce · 08/09/2023 10:46

Tell him there was no arguments when he wasn't there.
Tell him - He is causing a lot of Trauma to the DC when he ups and leaves any time he is challenged.

I know you want him back - but based on your concerns regarding the constant bickering and the example you gave above, you both sound immature.

You both need to consider as a couple the impact of your behaviours on your kids and grow the fuck up!

Pizzanight · 08/09/2023 10:47

Constant bickering sounds shit, you need to discuss problems calmly and find a solution.

But what he is suggesting is not OK. 'I will come back if you do exactly what I want no questions asked for the rest of your life' No, fuck off!

TibetanTerrah · 08/09/2023 10:47

I had one like this. Other people have mentioned it but I'll translate what it meant for me.

He basically meant "I will do what I want, when I want, and you already PROMISED you wouldn't 'argue' with me, so you can't say shit, nyah nyah"

And I felt silenced in my own home. If I spoke my feelings, I would break the 'agreement'. If I put up and shut up, I was walked over and miserable.

You really, really can't win with this. Sorry OP but don't even try.

Thelonelygiraffe · 08/09/2023 10:47

Insommmmnia · 08/09/2023 10:09

Sounds like the perfect way to shut you down whenever you say something he doesn't like

I wonder if the who is too tired which on the surface sounds petty was actually because you are being expected to pick up everything home and house related?

lots of bickering doesn't have to be normal but if you have young children and you are tired etc its also not abnormal

This!

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 08/09/2023 10:51

If he doesn't want to argue with you then the easiest solution for him is to back down and agree with everything you say.
Perhaps suggest that to him, see what he says. You can't argue if he accepts you are right about everything.

AuntieEsther · 08/09/2023 10:55

Why do you bicker though? It's immensely tiring and boring to live in a bickering relationship. Not all couples bicker, it's not obligatory. Can you work on the bickering and communication together, rather than just saying 'all couples bicker, get over it'?

HarpieDuJour · 08/09/2023 10:55

If you are really, truly set on him coming back, I think it would be a good idea to delay for a while and insist on counselling first.

If he can't see that he has no absolute right to never be contradicted, then there is no future for you. If you can learn together more constructive ways to disagree then there may be some hope.

The most damaging thing possible for your kids at this point, would be to allow him to return and then have him strop off again back to his parents', because you behaved like a normal adult, instead of obeying his wishes.

Acheyknees · 08/09/2023 10:56

In short, he's saying he'll come back as long as you don't disagree with him and he's always right.
And if you dare to question him, it'll be 'this is why I left'.
No, No, No.

frozendaisy · 08/09/2023 10:56

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 08/09/2023 10:51

If he doesn't want to argue with you then the easiest solution for him is to back down and agree with everything you say.
Perhaps suggest that to him, see what he says. You can't argue if he accepts you are right about everything.

What a brilliant suggestion.
Please OP say this to him and see what his answer is.
Then let us know.

Please.

AuntieEsther · 08/09/2023 10:57

His communication style is unusual he expects me to let everything slide

sorry I missed this line. Well that's not going to work is it? Surely you can see there is no going anywhere with a man who expects this?

TibetanTerrah · 08/09/2023 10:59

AuntieEsther · 08/09/2023 10:57

His communication style is unusual he expects me to let everything slide

sorry I missed this line. Well that's not going to work is it? Surely you can see there is no going anywhere with a man who expects this?

Yes, and conversely, why is it YOU that has to change and let 'everything' slide - why can't he? Or why can't the both of you meet somewhere in the middle, you know, like in healthy relationships?

Insommmmnia · 08/09/2023 11:03

But he said he wants to be with me on the condition I can promise to never say anything that could start an argument.

Because he wants to have his own way and have a service human being look after him and agree with him on everything

Cos he said he will walk out after a few arguments.

Because he doesnt like it when his service human being is faulty

His communication style is unusual he expects me to let everything slide

Because his service human being is there to service his life not have an opinion

He wants a robot wife but until they make one that he can fuck and will do the dusting and cooking he's trying to make sure you are as close as possible.

He is the main character and you are his audience and when you step out of his story line in his head he can't cope with it. You will never be allowed to equal billing only a bit part

NewStartNow · 08/09/2023 11:05

What frozendaisy and gingerisbest said.
You're on a hiding to nothing with him.

VeridicalVagabond · 08/09/2023 11:06

My husband and I don't bicker and rarely have proper big arguments, in 17 years we've become very good at just talking about issues without it escalating to an argument. But even with us being so chill we're horizontal arguments still happen! It's inevitable when you live with someone and go through all life's tumult together, no one is 100% perfect at controlling their emotions 100% of the time.

It's totally unrealistic to expect to be in a relationship where nothing ever gets talked about, or little arguments don't occasionally happen. What he's actually saying here is "If you're hurt, or upset, or angry, or feel something isn't working, or you disagree with me, I don't want to hear about it. If you tell me anyway I'll walk out." That's an awful basis for a relationship, especially with young children. It's how teenagers deal with being challenged, storming off slamming doors!

I'd tell him to get fucked, personally.

SummerInSun · 08/09/2023 11:18

As all PP have said, absolutely not on his conditions that YOU never say anything to upset him. That shows he thinks he is right about everything and takes no responsibility for his share of the arguments.

If you were both serious about being together and making it work, you'd go to couples counselling and both learn how to deal with the flashpoints better. He would learn that the occasional squabble is part of life and not an excuse to blow up and walk out and that that's unacceptable and futile. If he won't consider counselling, it tells you all you need to know about how he wants his life to be.

Out of curiosity, how have you enjoyed the three months he's been out of the house?

tribpot · 08/09/2023 11:18

What does he intend to do about his temper problem? He's the one losing his temper and walking out of the door. Even if you were somehow able to never, ever 'cause an argument' (i.e. by voicing an opinion or do anything that he disagreed with in any way) your children can't be expected to perform to those standards for their entire childhood.

He's not able to be part of a team. I wonder what he's like to work with. Either way, I think your only option is to say that unfortunately you can't be a family because he isn't prepared to accept what family life entails.

BreakTheChain · 08/09/2023 11:31

So he wants you to not say anything that causes bickering and what exactly is he doing to avoid bickering? This all seems to be pinned on you when actually better communication could resolve it. You don't have to compete on tiredness. You are both allowed to be tired it isn't a competition you just acknowledge your both tired and figure out what would help you both

Original poster
Shannab · 08/09/2023 11:31

I’d say I definitely miss him during his time away from the house and I still love him. But I have to be realistic too of what he’s asking of me

OP posts:
Original poster
Shannab · 08/09/2023 11:32

He’s been in and out of 5 jobs so far this year so I’d say he’s hard to work with also. He’s either lost his employment or left to find another job

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/09/2023 11:35

tribpot · 08/09/2023 11:18

What does he intend to do about his temper problem? He's the one losing his temper and walking out of the door. Even if you were somehow able to never, ever 'cause an argument' (i.e. by voicing an opinion or do anything that he disagreed with in any way) your children can't be expected to perform to those standards for their entire childhood.

He's not able to be part of a team. I wonder what he's like to work with. Either way, I think your only option is to say that unfortunately you can't be a family because he isn't prepared to accept what family life entails.

Edited

This

Also, saying that if there are "a few" arguments he will walk out again is like holding a permanent threat over your head isn't it?
He wants you to walk on eggshells. Never saying anything he doesn't like or he's gone. That's just not workable. So you will be back to square one again in a very short space of time. Why put yourself through that?

To get it clearer in your mind, would a list (to yourself, no need to publish here) of what the arguments you remember were about and how they started and have a think about if there's a pattern?
Were they about you asking him for help or to be more present? Or about how to deal with the children, or finances? These are all fairly normal things to debate in a relationship. Or was it some issue that he started? What is it about the topics of the arguments that made him kick off?

Another way to try to assess this is to consider what sort of issues still remain unresolved and would crop up again if he did return - are they normal house/home/DC organisational things? or something else and then work out if these are things that you could keep quiet about or let go. Are any of these things that could be resolved without an argument.

From the conditions he's laid down and storming out responses, he sounds like someone who cannot compromise or doesn't want to be challenged in any way. Apart from him saying you should keep quiet, what other solution is he proposing to help mediate these arguments? Would he agree to couple's counselling? even if it's just to learn to co-parent amicably?

Out of interest how is he getting on with his parents? Does he do this to them? Would they be helpful to you in a co-parenting situation?

BrightLightTonight · 08/09/2023 11:36

I would suggest going to couples counselling before he moves back. You have to both learn to communicate better

AbbeyGailsParty · 08/09/2023 11:39

I very stupidly fell for this same argument just a few months into marriage. I spent the next 5 years walking on eggshells until I left. Please do not be stupid me.

AbbeyGailsParty · 08/09/2023 11:40

Suggest counselling. If he refuses you’ve got your answer — he doesn’t want to change, he just wants you to.

54isanopendoor · 08/09/2023 11:59

@frozendaisy this post has summed it up.

(I was going to quote it but has 'quote' disappeared now yet you can share peoples posts on FACEBOOK???)

perfectcolourfound · 08/09/2023 12:01

Woah! No way can you agree to that!! He's saying he's happy to be with you if you don't ask anything of him. He's happy to be with you if you never point out something he's done wrong / have a bad day / remind him of something he's forgotten. I think we'd all love to be in a relationship where we can pretend to be perfect, and our OH isn't allowed to express their own opinions!!!! (actually, no I wouldn't).

He's also asking something impossible from you. Because you point out something small and not arguement-making. He takes offence and argues. Then he blames you for 'casuing' the arguement and reminds you that you agreed never to do that.

So you'll face a life of him simmering, threatening, walking out, you walking on eggshells wondering when the next blow up will be.

That isn't a relationship. It certainly isn't a healthy, loving one.

Please don't agree to his nonsense. It's ridiculous. And if you agree to it, you're agreeing to a lifetime of biting your tongue, being downtrodden, resentful, and him always blaming you for every problem and threatening to leave when things aren't all bright and rosy. And it's an AWFUL environment for your children, and a dreadful example of a r'ship for them to follow.