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Original poster

Partner left and wants to come back but worries we’ll argue

110 replies

Shannab · 08/09/2023 10:05

So my partner left me 3 months ago. We have 2 children. He just says we keep arguing and falling out and he doesn’t want the kids to see us arguing. However the arguments are over silly things and totally resolvable… like for example who’s more tired me at home with kids vs him at work. Little bickering over things like this lead to him losing his temper and walking out the door. He officially left to live with his parents 3 months ago.
He is now saying he does want us to be a family again, and so do I, but he is worried about the little arguments. He said he will come back if I don’t pick little arguments with him. I’m trying to explain to him bickering amongst couples is relatively normal and our fall outs can easily be worked through. But he is hesitant to return home as he doesn’t want to tolerate any arguments.

Can I just have your opinions on this matter please?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 08/09/2023 12:26

It's a shame you love him as he really doesn't love you, he doesn't even like you, he doesn't even want to consider you in any way or form, he thinks you should be there to please him and the way he wants to live.

You deserve better than that surely?
Your children deserve better than him surely?

Pollyputthekettleonha · 08/09/2023 12:38

I wouldn't agree to him moving back in unless he agrees to attend marriage counseling together. I think it depends on what you are arguing about eg. If you feel he is not pulling him weight at home and that's what is causing the arguments then you need to address that together and talk about how it can improve. It sounds like you need to work on how you communicate with each other and listen. There's no point in him moving back in on the promise of no arguments, as if you are raising valid concerns through these arguments, and you are ignored , you will just spilt up again. On the other hand if you are picking fault over tiny things then you would need to address this. I've no idea who is at fault here but I think you need to make some space/ time to work through your issues before he moves back in, and establish whether they can be worked through.

tribpot · 08/09/2023 12:40

Shannab · 08/09/2023 11:32

He’s been in and out of 5 jobs so far this year so I’d say he’s hard to work with also. He’s either lost his employment or left to find another job

Seems like his work colleagues were also given the ultimatum to never cause an argument or he would walk.

Honestly someone who'd been in and out of 5 jobs in a year is a poor bet as a life partner anyway, let alone the rest of it. He will only get worse as he gets older. Please don't inflict this on your children.

YRGAM · 08/09/2023 12:59

Marriage counselling will help you here. No arguing ever again is unrealistic, but he is right that a household of constant conflict is not a healthy environment for children to grow up in. Sounds like you both need to learn how to resolve differences amicably, in a mature fashion, and out of sight of the children, and counselling is the best way to do this. Good luck

Frogger8395 · 08/09/2023 13:08

Why would you even consider this bullshit?

Shapemyeyebrows · 08/09/2023 13:15

@Shannab no I wouldn’t be getting back together under these circumstances. Why’s is all about him and what he wants? As another poster said above, why not say to him you are will get back together and won’t bicker as long as he agrees with everything you say and does everything you want. See what his reaction is to that. As that’s what he’s essentially asking of you.

AgentJohnson · 08/09/2023 13:22

He probably hasn't had the red carpet, fun time out, young free single man experience he thought he would have and has decided that you giving him sex food and housework is the better option but for him to agree to do that you must not challenge his mighty existence in any way. Because he really is a man god just no one realises it right now.

This

I’m guessing he left his 5 jobs because they didn’t understand him and introspection isn’t his bag.

For your children’s sake don’t let him back because if you do their childhoods will be blighted by a revolving door parent which could lead to attachment issues later on.

MonicaPluto · 08/09/2023 13:25

How often were you bickering?

Original poster
Shannab · 08/09/2023 13:32

We weren’t bickering often at all. We had mainly happy times. That’s why I’m not understanding his reason to leave over stupid petty fights that we easily resolved

OP posts:
MonicaPluto · 08/09/2023 13:34

@Shannab
It's worrying if he made out you were bickering a lot if you weren't. Sounds like the rewriting history part of the script.

retinolalcohol · 08/09/2023 13:39

Unless there is more to the story and you are starting arguments daily for no reason, tell him to shove his offer where the sun doesn't shine.

This is code for 'never call me out, never expect anything of me, never express your feelings or emotions'. Eventually you would fall in line with exactly that, even if he was being a lazy arse/unreasonable/total shitebag, because you'd risk him leaving if not. No thanks. In the bin.

Goldbar · 08/09/2023 13:39

Make a deal with him. If he promises to be perfect all the time, you'll never argue with him.

midgemadgemodge · 08/09/2023 13:40

Shannab · 08/09/2023 13:32

We weren’t bickering often at all. We had mainly happy times. That’s why I’m not understanding his reason to leave over stupid petty fights that we easily resolved

Control

comedownwithme · 08/09/2023 13:41

Shannab · 08/09/2023 13:32

We weren’t bickering often at all. We had mainly happy times. That’s why I’m not understanding his reason to leave over stupid petty fights that we easily resolved

It's because he is not that fussed about you and your view of the situation very much varies to his.

For you this is a relationship, for him it's an option: don't let him do that to you.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2023 13:42

Basically, things didn't work out with his girlfriend, he wants to come home to an easy life, and he is trying to manipulate you into allowing it by forcing you to keep your mouth shut about anything and everything. Nice deal if you can get it.

retinolalcohol · 08/09/2023 13:43

I had an ex who did this. As far as any of his friends are concerned, I was an absolute lunatic who started fights daily.

In reality I'm a normal human who made simple requests of him (eg. Can you please come off your computer to help me with this for a sec) and he'd fly off the handle every time.

This is the sort of shit you'd be agreeing to if you went back!

RunningUpThatBuilding · 08/09/2023 13:43

This smacks of power play in my opinion.

He left (of his own accord!), fancies coming back - but ON HIS TERMS. You little lady better step in line or he may take himself off to the parents again!

Fuck that and fuck him. You're better off on your own.

wildwestpioneer · 08/09/2023 13:45

So he's fed up with living with Mummy and Daddy again, he's has his fill of 'living as a single bloke' with no responsibility, realises it's not as good as he thought it would be, so wants to come home. But only on the provision you don't disagree with him?

You need to sort out why you're arguing before he comes home. Can you see a marriage counsellor?

Shapemyeyebrows · 08/09/2023 13:46

@Shannab are you sure he hasn’t left for someone else and now wants to come home because it hasn’t worked out? If you weren’t bickering all the time it sounds like he has re written history to justify him leaving. It also seems like hes planting the seed that you are the issue so he can come back hassle free. It’s classic manipulation which seems to be a common theme on this site…so that if he comes back and you find something suspicious you will hold your tongue because you don’t want to cause an argument. And if you do raise anything then he can play the card that it’s you causing another argument again! And repeat.

SeulementUneFois · 08/09/2023 13:52

frozendaisy · 08/09/2023 10:56

What a brilliant suggestion.
Please OP say this to him and see what his answer is.
Then let us know.

Please.

Show quote history

This OP!

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 08/09/2023 14:00

He wants you to be a compliant little Wifey, who never argues, never complains and never moans about anything he does or doesn't do, however wrong he is. He wants you to do as you are told and let him be the boss. You must unquestioningly always agree with him.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

ZebraD · 08/09/2023 14:02

Where did he go for three months? Seems odd to leave and come back.

Maray1967 · 08/09/2023 14:07

Shannab · 08/09/2023 10:36

That’s what I’ve said to him I said if you can’t handle a few silly little arguments with me without walking out the door then how will you do a long term relationship with anyone? Because all women will have disagreements with you at some point or another. But he said he wants to be with me on the condition I can promise to never say anything that could start an argument. Cos he said he will walk out after a few arguments. His communication style is unusual he expects me to let everything slide

I bet he does. He’d last no longer than a week with me.

OP - he’s pathetic. He wants you to accept what he says unquestioningly otherwise he can’t cope. Life isn’t like that. He has a lot of growing up to do.

Pinkbonbon · 08/09/2023 14:19

He's telling you you aren't ever allowed to disagree with him.

He's a controlling douchebag who is trying to train you to put up with his bs and never feel.you have the right to call him on it.

Do NOT take him back. EVER.

Tell him you aren't compatible as a couple because you're a human and he obviously wants to date a doormat so no, he can't come back.

His little attempt to move out for a little while in order to scare you has failed (I hope). Fuck that jerk.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2023 14:36

You would have to be crazy to let this man baby back into your home. How are you not outraged at what he's put you and your kids through? Are you really going to allow him to do this to you again? Because he 100% will.