Partner doesn’t want to marry me/share finances

[MinaJ]

Hello all, I am hoping for some advice please :).

My partner of 1 year wants me to move in with him but only wants me to pay bills for the future onwards. He is building his own house and wants to ensure sole ownership of it which includes paying the mortgage himself. He said to me that “it’s his house but our home”. He wants me to have an opinion on designs etc. but no financial input whatsoever (except bills). He is determined to keep our finances clean cut and said that himself.

He won’t marry me or even negotiate a civil partnership with a prenup as he says prenups are not legal, just highly persuasive. But he wants children (now - even though we aren’t even living together yet!). I’ve said I need time.

I love him, and I know he loves me. He said he is fully committed to me and by wanting to start a family with me is him showing that commitment - but I can’t tell if I’m being naive entering this future with him without any offer of other security. Inevitably I’m going to invest in the house in some ways - and our children, and as a result I’m losing the opportunity to invest in my own assets. Should the worst happen and things go wrong, I would have little rights and could even end up homeless, surely? I don’t even want to think like that but I’m feeling forced to because he is obviously being cautious himself.

He earns a lot more than me and has a lot of assets (land), so I understand he is being protecting his investments. I’m not on a terrible wage (£40,000) so it’s not like I’m financially dependent. What can I do to protect my own self and security in this scenario? Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’d be grateful for any sharing of experiences.

as some have said, he’ll be earning the profits from the value of the house that I’ll be contributing money to

So the answer to that's simple: don't contribute to it - in fact since it's such early days don't move in with him at all, or at least not until you've had a lot more discussions about how you're going to protect yourself

And if you're in the UK a pre-nup's "taken into account" but isn't actually binding - something he'll almost certainly know

Leave

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/#:~:text=Your%20legal%20rights%20as%20a,than%20if%20you're%20married.

He won’t double barrel and wants the children’s name in his name but I’ve been clear it’ll be in mine.

He suggested we act like a married couple and I change my name to his by deed poll so we’re a family. Again, not so sure.

😳 his cheeky fuckery knows no bounds whereas you OP sound lovely & very clear headed

I guarantee you could do so much better than this

Interesting to muse on a flip of genders.

for instance if my adult daughter owns her own flat. Why should she not retain ownership if it as her home and her asset as it is now should she split with a partner ? It was bought with her savings / inheritance / hard work …….

should she choose to have kids this would impact on her wanting potential though not his …

m if this were the case I’d be suggesting a pre nup at the least.

I dunno but I can see both sides here.

https://www.stephensons.co.uk/site/blog/consumer-law-blog/registering_your_interest_in_a_property#:~:text=The%20initial%20process%20is%20quite,have%20an%20interest%20in%20it.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/legal/relationship_breakdown/housing_rights_of_cohabiting_sole_homeowners/preventing_sale_or_disposal_if_one_partner_is_the_sole_owner

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=www.gov.uk/government/publications/notices-restrictions-and-the-protection-of-third-party-interests-in-the-register&ved=2ahUKEwjz1JmK8ZOBAxXRWEEAHY_2CZ8QFnoECCQQAQ&usg=AOvVaw2E_Q35KeJs4RwmSo6N1cAa

Tbh OP with respect, it sounds like hard work when it shouldn't be, im exhausted thinking about it...the mental energy to make it work where both are happy with the setup. If you feel it will work, always have money put aside for yourself just incase, and if your name isnt on the house or anything, i certainly wouldnt be paying towards any maintaining the house or replacing anything in it, its his house he pays

He wants a house mate & someone to have his children.

Should the worst happen and things go wrong, I would have little rights and could even end up homeless, surely?

yep- although having kids may give you something. Courts usually try to make sure they are ok.

If you are truly undecided see a solicitor to get a back & white picture of what you are letting yourself in for.

Definitely don’t throw away money on a solicitor, the only thing she needs is the CAB link that’s been posted several times. Legally single people choose zero legal protections. Parents have obligations to kids they create.

Hi Op..I'm sorry you are suffering so much in this situation as it has probably taken a while for it to develop and to try to find a way forward, but your update throws up even more cause for concern.

He suggested we act like a married couple and I change my name to his by deed poll so we’re a family.

I can't believe the utter cheek of this man.
to me that is like he is saying "I won't marry you, to make sure you have any part of my assets - but change your name by deed poll and "ACT" like a married couple, so that I can pretend to the world that we are and won't receive any criticism." You can't have a marriage, but if you like you can pretend to be married and I will go along with that,
He wants you to LIE for him! So that he looks good and the children have his name.
And this all presented to you like some Marvellous Concession. The result of your attempt to discuss your future together.

The sheer arrogance of this, as if he's some sort of Prince. It is an insult to your intelligence but I think you can see that.

It also sounds like he is still, despite you being very clear about this, pressuring you to start a family ASAP, even though you've very reasonably listed precisely why you are not ready yet and what you would like to see in place before you feel comfortable starting a family. Because it's what he wants. He hasn't met you halfway, despite your pre nup offer, because he doesn't care what you want.

He is a total con man. He's pretending to "negotiate" but as pp said, he wants everything on his terms. He's setting out your contract like your Employer - which he would be if you went ahead with these terms.

Where does love and respect come into the way he is treating you? and These are the early days of your relationship.
Parenthood often involves a bit of kindness, patience, generosity, flexibility, and give and take. Nothing you have said about him indicates this. He'd be "negotiating" the night feeds or nappy changes or offering placebo or token help instead of meaningful help and expecting congratulations for it. And when the children were older he'd be using the same techniques on them. He'd expect them to put on a show too

Please don't let this person talk you out of your independence and into being his housekeeper, bill sharer and child rearer. You really can do better.

Even on a practical level. Three times further away from your job?

OP you sound sensible.

Put your money into ISAs, much more flexible than property and usually higher returns, less hassle, too. Focus on your financial future irrespective of a relationship with him or not.

Definitely see how he is to live with before making any decisions about children. If the relationship does progress make sure responsibilities and financial contributions for childcare from each of you are clearly nailed down.

Do not give your children a man's name! I see you said you won't. The suggestion you change your name to his by deed poll is just totally bizarre. For what purpose? If he doesn't think you need to be married to be a family (correct) then why do you need to have his name and pretend to people that you are? This really raises alarm bells to me, sounds very strange indeed.

Also concerning he's pressuring you about kids at this early stage. The marriage thing is a red herring. I'd be much more worried about the other strange behaviour.

You will have no financial security under this arrangement. 3 options. 1. Leave. 2. He changes his mind. 3. If he keeps sole ownership of the house you facilitate as a couple your sole ownership of an equivalent property. Do not have kids unless you are either married or you own your own house (even if rented out).

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Do the online freedom programme as this will help you spot the red flags and enable to think clearly. This man is a potential financial and emotional abuser, he's pushing the boundaries early to see what he can get away with.

@MinaJ

He won’t double barrel and wants the children’s name in his name but I’ve been clear it’ll be in mine.

He suggested we act like a married couple and I change my name to his by deed poll so we’re a family. Again, not so sure.

OP you're not seriously considering getting in even deeper with this man are you? These are quite big important changes you're being asked to make, including moving a fair distance from where you currently work.

What is the rush to go into a situation where you will be at a disadvantage. Do please take the additional time, having received advice on here, to talk to people (eg CAB has been suggested) and see what your future is likely to be if you become a convenience in his life. What is there in this for you, that wouldn't be better available with someone who sees you as a complete partnership where you are loved, seen as an equal in finances, parenting children together, career opportunities and generally loving support in married life. 🌹

For those questioning why he's in such a hurry, I suspect he's probably made the same generous offer to others in the past.

Therefore he realises the chances of it being rebuffed (again) are pretty high.

He's simply time-managing finding a womb to carry the brilliant/superior fruit of his loins with a pushover who'll just accept it.

That's my theory anyway! 😉

Well he's Prince Charming isn't he? Wants a partner but doesn't want a partnership, wants children (right now) but doesn't want to get married to give the mother of his children security. Expects any children to take his name and wants you to take his name so he can pretend to be a responsible family man while not being a responsible family man.

I'd be concerned he only really wants you for your reproductive function, he certainly doesn't love you. Having DC is a game changer in relationships. It's when most women begin to understand how the patriarchy works. Having children without marriage could plunge you into poverty. What if you're unwell after the birth and not able to resume your career? My daughter had various medical issues requiring surgery after having her baby and had a long road to recovery. What if the child has health issues and can't have normal paid childcare? Whose career takes a back seat while the children are young? Yours of course! Meaning less prospects for career progression, stagnant or lower salary and reduced pension contributions, and he could make you homeless at any time!

Honestly OP, at a push move in with him and invest your money in your own property, but don't pay his bills and, whatever you do, don't have children with him.

So he wants you to act like a wife by changing your name to his by deed poll and then bearing his children who will have his name, but doesn't want the legal or financial commitment of actually marrying you?

Tell him to change his surname to yours by deed poll if he wants to pretend to be married without actually being married, the cheeky fucker.

Better still, tell him to sling his hook and find someone else to have children with.

You can't flip the genders sexes, because even if your daughter owned her own house she would still be the one getting pregnant, giving birth and taking maternity leave. In that situation, given that she would almost certainly be the primary caregiver if the relationship went tits up, she'd obviously want to hang on to her house so that her children had somewhere to live, and so it might not make financial sense for her to marry if she was bringing a lot more to the table than her partner.

A male partner who wants his female partner to bear his children, on the other hand, needs to accept that she will most likely take a financial hit due to bearing his children and ensure she is properly compensated for that by sharing his money with her.

OP, are you are going to accept his terms and ignore this thread?

It appears from the OP's last post that her mind is already made up and she will go ahead. Not sure why she sought advice really.

A relationship shouldn't be a negotiation. And, this is what you have. You're both hammering out a contract without any sureties built in for yourself.

Of course in the event of a break up where children are involved he would have to pay cms. And, that's the most you will probably gain. If you can prove you have made payments towards the upkeep or improvements to the property you may be able to get some of that back but not sure it will be worth thr hassle and cost of solicitors and court fees.

If you decide to pursue this relationship and stay with him on his terms (because that's all he's offering) please seek legal advice and a separation agreement or civil partnership in the event that it may happen.

Show yourself to be the self respecting and responsible woman you're coming across as. Don't bow to his demands and be rushed into chikdren when in reality you barely know this man. There is better out there for you, someone who would be happy to marry you and have a true life partnership with.

OP,

He absolutely does not love you deeply.

He is 100% concerned with himself.

You would have to be completely out of your mind to move in to his home and have children with him.

At ANY point he could throw you and your children out of the home you shared.

Only the most foolish, naive women sell themselves so short and take up an non commitment like that.

Do yourself a favour.

Dump him.

This would require her to leave her own kids with their father and then apply to a court for 50/50 custody. If they remain living with her after they split then the default will be that she is the resident parent and he will have them when he feels like it. In general the courts will only tend to order 50/50 when the non resident parent fights for it. Otherwise it tends to be every other weekend.

How many mothers would be willing to leave their kids in order to force their ex to take them for 50% of the time? What if she did that and then the court decided she would only have them every other weekend?

With all the financial protections and safeguards that OP has to put in place to secure her future and if he does not do his 50% contractual duty, her only recourse is to raise the child(ren) by herself, why even bother to have kids with this person who loves money and her incubating abilities more than he loves her?

Why not wait a little longer (she has only wasted one year of her time) and find a man who truly loves her and prepared to throw his hat in the ring with her and raise a family together without quibbling about pounds and pennies.

I am no romantic but even for a cynical lawyer like me, this 'relationship' sounds far too transactional and adversarial.