Partner doesn’t want to marry me/share finances

[MinaJ]

Hello all, I am hoping for some advice please :).

My partner of 1 year wants me to move in with him but only wants me to pay bills for the future onwards. He is building his own house and wants to ensure sole ownership of it which includes paying the mortgage himself. He said to me that “it’s his house but our home”. He wants me to have an opinion on designs etc. but no financial input whatsoever (except bills). He is determined to keep our finances clean cut and said that himself.

He won’t marry me or even negotiate a civil partnership with a prenup as he says prenups are not legal, just highly persuasive. But he wants children (now - even though we aren’t even living together yet!). I’ve said I need time.

I love him, and I know he loves me. He said he is fully committed to me and by wanting to start a family with me is him showing that commitment - but I can’t tell if I’m being naive entering this future with him without any offer of other security. Inevitably I’m going to invest in the house in some ways - and our children, and as a result I’m losing the opportunity to invest in my own assets. Should the worst happen and things go wrong, I would have little rights and could even end up homeless, surely? I don’t even want to think like that but I’m feeling forced to because he is obviously being cautious himself.

He earns a lot more than me and has a lot of assets (land), so I understand he is being protecting his investments. I’m not on a terrible wage (£40,000) so it’s not like I’m financially dependent. What can I do to protect my own self and security in this scenario? Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’d be grateful for any sharing of experiences.

I was always told " cover your own arse!" and this is what I live by

Sounds like this is what he's doing.
Perhaps he's a mumsnetter.

Not the sort of relationship I'd want, but, when people seem to planning the split/divorce at the same time as the wedding sounds sensible.

If you were the one with the assets would you be happy to risk them or would you want to protect them. As for the name, your choice, doesn't matter much these days. I stayed as Miss X at work but socially became Mrs Y as it was easiest especially when the children came along.

@BigFatLiar If you want to keep all your money for yourself forever and ever you don't have a baby though.

It’s fine to protect your own assets but not at someone else’s expense. These men that want to use women’s labour and bodies at no cost to themselves enrage me. If you want a loving supportive spouse and a family you have to contribute your share. You can’t have it all ways.

100% this ^

A woman who doesn't want children but just wants a hard-working man's money and house is no better.

He wants you to change your name by deed poll!? Wtaf. I’m actually married and I didn’t change my name, DH assumed I would, I said no and that was the end of that. The cheek of him.

Sounds like he’s trying to fix it so it looks like to everyone else you are a married couple but he has literally no actual obligations. It’s play acting. People who love each other don’t try to disadvantage each other in this way.

He’s a giant wanker OP, honestly walk away. You can do better by yourself. All the costs in this relationship are on your side.

Try to think what your life would be like on a daily basis. It's not just the financial security which I wouldn't agree to. Right now you are doing the travelling to stay and see him. If you move into his house you will have a commute that's three times longer than your current commute. If you have kids and keep working who will do the childcare runs, will it be you on top of that commute. I had a commute of 1 hr 20 each way. Before my employer became more flexible I would have had to reduce my hours in order to do the childcare run both ways for full time nursery. We did one way each so we could do it but it still meant no evening as the one getting home the earliest was lucky to be there by 6:45 then make dinner, clear up, bath baby get things ready for next day etc. shattered by 9.

On the financial side I understand his concerns but as a pp said you could both still purchase your own property jointly together and he could put his assets elsewhere. Investing in his house and building nothing for yourself is not okay, it's keeping you trapped. He should not be putting pressure on you to have children in any case. I would at the very least take a step back. You are working full time, travelling in order to see him and the rest of your time is stressed. You sound a bit worn down already.

@MinaJ I hope you are taking notes and rethinking your future with this man. We're not attacking you, we're concerned about the situation that you're in. Just read all the posts on the relationships board about financial abusive partners.

It puts you in a vulnerable, precarious and dangerous position.

In essence he has given long and considered thought to how best to screw you over whilst having it all.

That you could listen to him spout such a plan, putting you at such a disadvantage and not see it for what it is, is very sad.

Mind you, he clearly thinks you are a bit desperate as you do such travelling to be with him.

Be very careful OP.

I fear you are putting yourself in great peril.

This guy didn't know the meaning if the words commitment or relationship. Are you serious about even considering moving in with this control freak? What is his background - why is he like this (and no one I've ever met even remotely like this) - I'm thinking family, previous relationships, culture, business/work/employment background. Was his father, fort instance, bitter about the break up of his marriage and this has affected the way your man thinks... this is the sort of formative experience In wondering about.

How did you get into this "relationship"/situation - What's your background - why would you even consider this to be an acceptable basis for a relationship and parenting? Are you lacking in self confidence, life and relationship experience, had bad experiences previously? Have you been selected by him because you are maleable and likely to be easy to control? What happened in his previous relationships (if he's had any)?

This is there best relationship you can picture for yourself?

In a long relationship you need commitment on both sides because life throws unexpected problems at you - one of you gets ill or had an accident and can't work, one loses a job and is out if work for a while or retraining, one makes a bad investment or decision, one has to help care for a sick parent, one makes a commitment to trade off career ambitions and income to invest time and effort in raising the children, etc. What happens when one inherits money? I for instance, inherited a fairly decent amount of money and a house - it was not expected, predicted or predictable - it came out of the blue - I split that in two and put half in an account in my wife's name - throughout our lives we have both had to support the other through difficult times - all my income, bonuses and cashed-in investments and pensions go straight into a joint account - our view is either you are "all in" and fully committed in every sense and the trust is total otherwise why be together? So you can see why I'm reacting so strongly to your post @MinaJ

If you are thinking of marrying and want to marry - find someone who really wants to commit and build something together, someone who really believes in the power of a relationship built on commitment, openness and complete trust, subscribe who really wants and needs that security.

You need to set your boundaries quickly. He is running the show. One last conversation and if no changes made then I’d leave. There’s no point wasting your 30s on a wrong’un
I can imagine you want to have kids and the slight desperation sets in at a certain age and the fear of starting again. However, it’s not worth a lifetime mistake and bringing kids up with a dictator
I was with someone like this and it became obvious he wasn’t interested in marriage, wanted a baby desperately. After I dumped him, he had a baby with another woman a year later. He just wanted a baby not the rest
I also wouldn’t want to live in someone else’s dream house, can you imagine wanting to change anything, it would always be ‘his’ house and what he wanted

Just joining the run for the hills" gang. Sorry but it's the only option

yup, he doesn't want "in sickness or in health" - just the health.

I'm really sorry OP, this is such a cross roads for you hun, so many messages on here and all of us saying pretty similar stuff, he's not treating you with the love AND respect you deserve.

I wasn't married last year (aged 35 although I'd recently divorced). My partner wanted a child with me, so he married me, we changed my name, moved into his home (now ours), bought me a cat, added me to the car and my pension is being paid for (I'm currently pregnant and not working as had to move to a rural location to be together).

I'm not rich, but I'm under a security blanket of love and care and it's really, really nice. If you can, don't settle for anything less

@Rightioohh

I think our ex's must have known each other!

To put it bluntly, if you went along with this you’d be royally screwed in the event of a split.

Just browse the relationships topic to see what happens in situations like what your partner is proposing. There was one like this not so long ago, 15 year relationship with two kids in tow, partner owns the house, legally she didn’t have many options.

Did you walkaway OP?

I do hope so.🙏

I can understand his perspective on finances whilst you don't have children. I'd recommend he pays the mortgage and you pay a % of all bills etc in line with your income compared to his, if he earns 2/3 more than you, he pays 100% of the mortgage and 2/3 of the bills. This should then free up enough disposable income for you to buy a house and potentially let it out and pay into a decent pension. That way you still maintain your financial independence.

However I'd not entertain children until you know exactly what that entails. Will you carry on working (I'd not, for one second give up work, pensions etc if you're not married), how will childcare be paid for etc.

As for names, if he's that bothered about it, he can change his name by deed pole. However it does sound like he wants all the trappings of marriage without any of the commitment.

Think very carefully about your own future because he certainly isn't considering it.

So he wants you to commit to having children whilst he commits to nothing.

If he genuinely saw a long term future with you, why would he object to sharing his assets with you - it would make no difference in the long term

If you're going to have kids, assume it will impact your health, child could be born with disability / autism anything, your earnings will decimate as he will expect you to do all the childcare, this will impact your pension contributions therefore your future provision, if you want to leave the relationship you will struggle. If he wants you out, you and your kids will be out on the street.

I'm old fashioned but I don't believe men are entitled to have access to a woman who he expects will bear his children and do all the wife work, without providing the security and provision within a marriage. Men are getting it way too easy now, and women are paying the price. It's a pisstake that you will have to pay bills (probably childcare and child related costs as well) whilst producing precious children and foregoing all security. Do not buy the bullshit that him wanting kids is a sign of commitment. Its a sign that he wants to use you and not pay for the privilege.

He wants your money, your womb, your cooking and cleaning. In return you get nothing.

Run.

If you don't have to pay the mortgage on his house then you can buy your own property no? Only fair. Then you can do what you want with it, live in it, rent it etc and don't share it with him

Well, at least he's shown you who he is.

If you were moving in with him and just paying utilities/food but not rent persay, and there were no children involved, then I would say he is just being upfront and honest. However if he wants you to have kids together, that leaves you in a precarious position where you are effectively going to giveup/limit your career earnings to look after your children. If he decides to kick you out in the future, you have no claim on the house and a much diminished earnings potential with kids in tow. I say this because he needs to realise that whilst he has the upfront cash now which he can protect, in the longterm, if you have kids, you are the one that will certainly pay the financial price if you have children. He maybe protecting himself, but he is not thinking about the future wellbeing of your future family.

In fairness to him, he may not have considered this in his financial considerations for the future. He tells you that keeping finances separate is the best things to do to protect HIM in the event the relationship collapses, but if you counter with the welfare of the children should it fail, his answer will be....but we won't fail! Tough mate you can't have it both ways. Live together, no kids and you don't pay rent so you can build up your own nest egg and protect HIS finances, live together with joint finances with a pre-nup as you have already suggested or marry! If he wants kids NOW, he is making a binding commitment to be in those childrens lives for ever and that means financially not just emotionally/physically. A reasoned man wouldn't expect it all his own way.

Sit down, make a list of all the pro's and cons and then discuss it with him in a calm and adult manner. If he wants kids, YOU are guaranteed to take a big financial hit on the limitation of your career/earnings and its unrealistic to think you can avoid that, so why can't he meet you half way. Think about it carefully, do you want to be permanently attached to a man that puts his financial needs before those of you and his future children?

I never saw myself as financially vulnerable - in fact, pre kids, I had my own home, was in a senior management job - but oh my goodness, as a woman, those early years around having children hands men additional power and income on a plate. It’s incredibly disconcerting and the balance is only restored by a man committed to restoring equality (my one was). I wouldn’t fancy your situation if you want kids, OP. Be careful.