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Original poster

Partner doesn’t want to marry me/share finances

305 replies

MinaJ · 04/09/2023 17:14

Hello all, I am hoping for some advice please :).

My partner of 1 year wants me to move in with him but only wants me to pay bills for the future onwards. He is building his own house and wants to ensure sole ownership of it which includes paying the mortgage himself. He said to me that “it’s his house but our home”. He wants me to have an opinion on designs etc. but no financial input whatsoever (except bills). He is determined to keep our finances clean cut and said that himself.

He won’t marry me or even negotiate a civil partnership with a prenup as he says prenups are not legal, just highly persuasive. But he wants children (now - even though we aren’t even living together yet!). I’ve said I need time.

I love him, and I know he loves me. He said he is fully committed to me and by wanting to start a family with me is him showing that commitment - but I can’t tell if I’m being naive entering this future with him without any offer of other security. Inevitably I’m going to invest in the house in some ways - and our children, and as a result I’m losing the opportunity to invest in my own assets. Should the worst happen and things go wrong, I would have little rights and could even end up homeless, surely? I don’t even want to think like that but I’m feeling forced to because he is obviously being cautious himself.

He earns a lot more than me and has a lot of assets (land), so I understand he is being protecting his investments. I’m not on a terrible wage (£40,000) so it’s not like I’m financially dependent. What can I do to protect my own self and security in this scenario? Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’d be grateful for any sharing of experiences.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 05/09/2023 19:37

He wants you to change your name by deed poll rather than marriage ? To me that means he wants to have ownership of you. Huge red flag.

You can do so much better, and deserve so much better.

gamerchick · 05/09/2023 21:01

I think the best thing you can do imo is tell this bloke, that you're not willing to have kids with someone without the security of marriage and nor do you want to live with him after such a short time together and the conversation can come up again in a year or so.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 05/09/2023 21:03

Helenloveslee4eva · 05/09/2023 17:27

Interesting to muse on a flip of genders.

for instance if my adult daughter owns her own flat. Why should she not retain ownership if it as her home and her asset as it is now should she split with a partner ? It was bought with her savings / inheritance / hard work …….

should she choose to have kids this would impact on her wanting potential though not his …

m if this were the case I’d be suggesting a pre nup at the least.

I dunno but I can see both sides here.

Not possible to flip because, as you touch on here, there is no male equivalent of the risk women take when having children.

If they didn't want kids, arguably fine. But the fact that he thinks this is an acceptable setup when DC are planned means he's not fit for a relationship with. It's a red flag.

Qwerty111 · 05/09/2023 21:39

Please don’t move in with him OP. Please don’t get pregnant with him. He doesn’t have your welfare or security anywhere on his long list of things he wants.

It’s obvious you really like him - you’re tying yourself in knots trying to reframe his requests as something other than him planning to screw you over financially. You can’t suddenly switch off your feelings. I feel sympathy with you (but also with the posters who are harshly screaming “run”).

Why not carry on dating him as you are at present. It doesn’t have to be move in with him or dump him and run. It’s not a binary choice. A year is too soon to move in (particularly with his plans). In another year’s time he may see sense, you may decide he’s an idiot. But do NOT get pregnant unless you have made a conscious decision to be a single parent and claim through CMS.

Dery · 05/09/2023 21:54

You’ve had great advice here, OP. Your BF seems to have no understanding that when you have children, you become a family. How could he possibly think it’s acceptable for the mother of his children to have no legal interest in the family home and no financial security? As PP have said, he wants all the benefits of marriage and children without any of the commitment and he thinks that’s okay. This is not a safe man to have children with.

billy1966 · 05/09/2023 22:05

AdoraBell · 05/09/2023 19:37

He wants you to change your name by deed poll rather than marriage ? To me that means he wants to have ownership of you. Huge red flag.

You can do so much better, and deserve so much better.

Imagine being that dim as to change your name and not even married.🙄

You'd have to be absolutely desperate.

He's really no prize, just another selfish man.

No rights to her home and she could be turfed out at any moment.

How much easier it would be to control her as he could argue for the children to remain with him in HIS house.

OP, buy your own home and don't allow him to make an awful fool of you.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 05/09/2023 23:10

I've just read your update and I don't want to upset you.... He wants a child
Your wants needs and wishes do not factor in his thoughts
He even wants you to change your name to his by deed poll!!
What a prince... Not
I was always told " cover your own arse!" and this is what I live by
Weigh up the pros and cons
Personally I think the Cons outweigh the pros

Dery · 06/09/2023 01:38

It’s all about what he wants and nothing about what you might need if you’re to have children with him. I wonder what his parents’ relationship was like since he seems to think the man should call all the shots.

RantyAnty · 06/09/2023 03:35

The love here is clearly one sided on your part.

He's a mean, grabby, CF.

Nothing about his ideas are loving at all.

You even have to drive to his as he can't be arsed to make the effort for you.

I think you know this isn't right.
When you think about your ideal relationship and marriage, it certainly wouldn't be this cheeky fuckery!

MaybeanothertimeNotReally · 06/09/2023 03:51

May I ask if his own parents are still married to each other? If so, whether his mum jointly owns the house with his dad? I'd like to know whether his mum lives under the same abusive conditions he's proposing to you. This man has no respect for you or women in general and you can do so much better.

mumyes · 06/09/2023 04:13

What an absolute JOKE of a man.

RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!

mumyes · 06/09/2023 04:14
  • there is no male equivalent of the risk women take when having children.

If they didn't want kids, arguably fine. But the fact that he thinks this is an acceptable setup when DC are planned means he's not fit for a relationship with. It's a red flag.*

THIS!

Nameechange · 06/09/2023 04:23

Marriage isn't for everyone, but please don't pay bills towards the house if you don't jointly own it. Tell him you want to be named on the mortgage and pay 50% or even 25% so you have at least some stability if you split up. Also, 1 year is way too early to expect marriage and children!

rwalker · 06/09/2023 04:53

Even if you were to pay towards the mortgage he’s already in for hundreds of thousands of pounds your couple of £100 mortgage contributions wouldn’t entitle you to a share substantial enough to remain in the house anyway

FedUpMumof10YO · 06/09/2023 06:08

OP I've changed my thoughts since update.

It's a year in which is nothing compared to a lifetime.

I'd move on, find someone who wants ALL of the same things as you on a jointly agreed terms not him dictating to you what's happening.

Someone else will cook AND give you all these things too.

mildlydispeptic · 06/09/2023 06:34

This guy really wants to have his cake and eat it. Definitely trust your instincts on this one, OP. You would be in a hideously vulnerable position having children with him.

RhymesWithTangerine · 06/09/2023 06:48

I don’t think the relationship is dead. All these posters telling you to ‘run’ are giving up too easily IMO.

You have more bargaining power in this than you think. So act like it. He’s met someone he really likes (you) and he is not going to replace you quickly.

Say to him you won’t be moving in with him unless you are married. Tell him you and your child will always have the same name. The Deed Poll thing - I would laugh and say ‘Why on earth would I? I like my own name’ to that. Explain to him that if he finds someone willing to do all this, he’s chosen a stupid mother for his children.

Marriage and family are a commitment. He’ll need to make that commitment before he gets the benefits.

MargotBamborough · 06/09/2023 07:26

@RhymesWithTangerine The thing is, the OP is in her 30s. She says her partner wants children soon but she's not ready, not that she doesn't want children. If she does want children then her choices are to have them with her current partner who wants to have children with her but doesn't want her to have any financial security, or to get back out there and find someone else to have children with, who is willing to marry her or at the very least have a joint bank account and house in both names.

The latter takes time and the OP doesn't have years to waste on a man who isn't the one. So she needs to decide whether what her current partner is prepared to offer is good enough, or cut her losses now and move on.

It probably would be worth a final, tough love conversation with her partner where she explains her point of view and the fact that it's not reasonable to want a woman to bear your children but not be willing to share any of your money with her. That keeping all your own assets for yourself even when this disadvantages your partner is selfish and unreasonable once children you have chosen to create together are in the equation. If that conversation doesn't open his eyes then it's up to the OP to decide whether she is willing to settle for this treatment or move on.

Personally, I wouldn't be that keen on moving in to a partner's dream home even if I was going to co-own it. Because it would be their dream, not mine. Because it would be in the location that they alone decided to live in. The idea of spending three times as long commuting (and this is another thing which could get in the way of the OP going back to work full time after maternity leave which she will need to do if she wants to have any financial independence) to live in a house that was someone else's big labour of love, and which they refuse to let me own a share of even though they were willing to create an entirely new human with me (using primarily my body) is pretty unappealing to me.

In my experience, if a man is actually committed to you and wants to spend his life with you and create a family with you and has no intention of bailing out when things get tough, he will just willingly marry you.

TheaBrandt · 06/09/2023 08:05

So sad. I would be gutted if this was my daughter. Dh was so eager to get married throw in our lot together be a team and build a life and a family. We pooled everything from 3 months. I had more money initially then he did but it’s irrelevant.

Tessabelle74 · 06/09/2023 08:06

rwalker · 06/09/2023 04:53

Even if you were to pay towards the mortgage he’s already in for hundreds of thousands of pounds your couple of £100 mortgage contributions wouldn’t entitle you to a share substantial enough to remain in the house anyway

So you don't believe raising children is a contribution then? Taking the inevitable hit on her career progression and earning potential isn't a contribution? Are you the OP's partner?

Whiskerson · 06/09/2023 08:18

He wants a concubine.

You deserve a husband.

Munchyseeds2 · 06/09/2023 08:37

Move in with him if YOU want to, you may get on, you may not. Pay a fair share of day to day bills
But put a time limit on it, then decide if you want to get married and have children
That's what I would do

Pollyputthekettleonha · 06/09/2023 09:41

I think you need to discuss how finances would work out long term in this set up . It's okay for him to be cautious about his assets one year in (but also odd that at the same time he wants children now.). Long term if you have a family together this approach isn't going to wash. You need to support each other, I think he is only looking at this from his point of view. I think you need to present yours, and discuss how the childcare would be split if you had a family, who would take the hit to their career/ pension.

If he is adamant about protecting his own assets then you would need to make sure you can also remain financially independent if things go south. So you would need to keep working after children and he would need to pay a fair proportion of the child care , you'd need to make sure your savings were invested well and not touched.
If he's still expecting you to do everything and make all the sacrifices if you had a family following your discussions I would walk away. I agree with PP , if you want marriage I would insist on that before children. I can't work out whether he is selfish or just being a bit unthinking with regards to you. I think further conversations on this will draw this out.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 06/09/2023 09:47

Well, if he wants the same name as you and the children he can change his name to yours then, can't he?

Didn't suggest that, did he? No, it's all about you fitting into his life and him not having to change or make a single concession.

What a joke.

MargotBamborough · 06/09/2023 10:05

Pollyputthekettleonha · 06/09/2023 09:41

I think you need to discuss how finances would work out long term in this set up . It's okay for him to be cautious about his assets one year in (but also odd that at the same time he wants children now.). Long term if you have a family together this approach isn't going to wash. You need to support each other, I think he is only looking at this from his point of view. I think you need to present yours, and discuss how the childcare would be split if you had a family, who would take the hit to their career/ pension.

If he is adamant about protecting his own assets then you would need to make sure you can also remain financially independent if things go south. So you would need to keep working after children and he would need to pay a fair proportion of the child care , you'd need to make sure your savings were invested well and not touched.
If he's still expecting you to do everything and make all the sacrifices if you had a family following your discussions I would walk away. I agree with PP , if you want marriage I would insist on that before children. I can't work out whether he is selfish or just being a bit unthinking with regards to you. I think further conversations on this will draw this out.

They can discuss all they like. He can promise all sorts. But unless those promises are formalised in a legally binding contract, the OP has no means of forcing him to keep them when the time comes.

So let's say they have this discussion. He agrees that from the moment the OP goes on maternity leave all their joint income goes into a joint bank account, the bills are paid from that and they get equal spending money. If he really wants to keep his house under his sole ownership they can agree to keep his mortgage separate but that an appropriate amount comes out of their joint account (not included in the spending money) for the OP to invest in her own financial future. Any time she is not working due to children, he pays her pension contributions. They each do 50% of the housework and 50% of the childcare. The cost of nursery is treated as a family expense and paid from their joint account. Etc.

Then when the baby comes he refuses to do any of it. Refuses to help the OP out financially during her period of reduced or lost income. Refuses to pull his weight with housework and childcare. Refuses to contribute to her pension. Sees nursery fees as a cost for the OP to bear if she "chooses" to go back to work.

If he breaks all these promises the OP can leave him, but she'll be up shit creek financially.

Marriage is a legally binding contract.

If she is married and the relationship breaks down, a judge will look at all these circumstances and decide what is fair. If they have a prenup the judge will look at it and say, "If I uphold this prenup, will the outcome be fair? Will everyone be appropriately provided for? If so I will uphold it. If not, I won't." A judge will decide how often her ex should have the children and how much he should be paying towards them. The OP will have rights.

Without marriage, she's relying entirely on his goodwill and any promises he makes now could just be hot air.