Partner doesn’t want to marry me/share finances

[MinaJ]

Hello all, I am hoping for some advice please :).

My partner of 1 year wants me to move in with him but only wants me to pay bills for the future onwards. He is building his own house and wants to ensure sole ownership of it which includes paying the mortgage himself. He said to me that “it’s his house but our home”. He wants me to have an opinion on designs etc. but no financial input whatsoever (except bills). He is determined to keep our finances clean cut and said that himself.

He won’t marry me or even negotiate a civil partnership with a prenup as he says prenups are not legal, just highly persuasive. But he wants children (now - even though we aren’t even living together yet!). I’ve said I need time.

I love him, and I know he loves me. He said he is fully committed to me and by wanting to start a family with me is him showing that commitment - but I can’t tell if I’m being naive entering this future with him without any offer of other security. Inevitably I’m going to invest in the house in some ways - and our children, and as a result I’m losing the opportunity to invest in my own assets. Should the worst happen and things go wrong, I would have little rights and could even end up homeless, surely? I don’t even want to think like that but I’m feeling forced to because he is obviously being cautious himself.

He earns a lot more than me and has a lot of assets (land), so I understand he is being protecting his investments. I’m not on a terrible wage (£40,000) so it’s not like I’m financially dependent. What can I do to protect my own self and security in this scenario? Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’d be grateful for any sharing of experiences.

It might be a shocking read and on that basis I can't blame her, no-one agrees with what her other half proposes and for the sake of an easy life and her dreams of settling down with him she might have been accepting of it.

Often see that when the op is given the ‘wrong’ answer by literally everyone.

You have only known him a year. Do not move in with his demands. We get threads like this every week on mumsnet.

I wouldn't have an issue with the lack of shared finance/marriage and living with someone providing we had clear boundaries about where my financial contribution ended so I could make provisions for my own financial security in the future. Personally I'd insist on the same in his position.

Children is the sticky point. With only one exception, all the women I know who have had children have been the ones to take the bigger hit on earning potential, career fluidity, childcare responsibility and pension building. Most of them have perfectly decent husband's who do pull their weight and treat them well...but the basic default is the mother for most things.

This is the bit that your partner needs to understand is the tricky part. You cannot physically, financially and emotionally make yourself vulnerable without a decent safety net. Whether that's as basic as you being added to the deeds for the property and contributions to your pension or more functional as in marriage and everything shared down the middle...something has to be agreed and set in stone for you to take that next step.

If you're happy to be in the relationship without children being an option, then just play the game in a way that works for you, but please don't become his convenient uterus and housekeeper with no security.

Everything i would have said.

It’s called being a bangmaid.

Don’t do it.

Doing this would be pure and utter madness.

Living with him in a beautiful self-built home rent-free is a pretty nice deal. If you're only paying a share of bills then you can save a large amount and buy your own property and rent it out. That way if anything went wrong you'd have a home of your own to move to. And you can save a lot for your pension also. Just focus on your own earnings and promotions and secure your own financial position.

I don't see why relationships have to automatically mean marriage and sharing finances. Many people have been stung or seen others be stung by this and understandably don't want to get into that situation. However, the flip side of that is that you need to make it clear to him that if you have children you won't be sacrificing anything in terms of career progression as a result: you will only do it if he does 50% of childcare, 50% of household management and domestic tasks. If you aren't convinced he will do the above then do not have children with him.

However, the flip side of that is that you need to make it clear to him that if you have children you won't be sacrificing anything in terms of career progression as a result: you will only do it if he does 50% of childcare, 50% of household management and domestic tasks.

How will she enforce that then?

You also, obviously, would need to be very clear and nail down upfront how the children's costs will be met: baby equipment, childcare, activities, etc... if he earns more than you then his contribution to that clearly should be proportionate to the difference in your incomes. If he wants to be businesslike about the finances, then that works both ways. Have all of this firmly agreed and even set down in writing before considering children.

Leaving him if he doesn't!

Women need to ensure they can be financially independent. Marriage is really little protection against not doing so in most circumstances anyway. The protection is ensuring your own financial security as an individual, developing your own earning power and assets and ensuring that if the relationship broke down you are capable of supporting your children alone to have a decent standard of living, if needed.

Have all of this firmly agreed and even set down in writing before considering children.

So she should trust a verbal agreement and build both her and their children’s future on his good faith? As the OP stated a prenup was out of the question, and a written agreement would be just as effective…

So how does she navigate the hit on her career that at least one pregnancy and maternity leave will have on her? What if the baby is disabled or has special needs? The exhaustion alone takes a huge toll.

You simply can not mitigate all the consequences to a woman’s life

Just run op!!!! Find a man that wants real commitment and security.

Children is the sticky point. With only one exception, all the women I know who have had children have been the ones to take the bigger hit on earning potential, career fluidity, childcare responsibility and pension building. Most of them have perfectly decent husband's who do pull their weight and treat them well...but the basic default is the mother for most things.

Yes. So it's fine for a man to say he doesn't want to entangle finances. But then he must also understand that there will be no slack cut the other way either and he'll have to do his 50% of all domestic stuff if they have children and OP not back down from that, taking lower-paid or part-time roles or sacrificing career progression. Quid pro quo. No cake eaters.

To me, as long as you're not married, his position sounded entirely reasonable right up to saying he wants children and soon

Quite apart from it being pretty early in the relationship to bring children into things I wouldn't even think about it as things stand, and even without children don't ever give up your job or neglect to make your own financial arrangements in all matters

This is such a depressing read. Wise up OP.

If you want children, You'd be a complete fool - and very unfair to your future children - to proceed without marriage or what would be quite complex legal documentation in its absence together with exhaustive discussions on financial compensation for lost earnings due to sickness, maternity leave etc responsibility for childcare, days off for child sickness etc. . When you're pregnant and after childbirth your vulnerability is massively increased and earning potential reduces, lower or stopped contributions to your pension etc. He needs to understand that and make sure you are no worse off. If it was me I'd be concentrating more on building my career, self esteem and financial independence than this relationship.

So how does she navigate the hit on her career that at least one pregnancy and maternity leave will have on her? What if the baby is disabled or has special needs? The exhaustion alone takes a huge toll.

You simply can not mitigate all the consequences to a woman’s life

One pregnancy, or even two, and a short maternity leaves don't generally make a lot of difference, many people return after 6/7 months. The pay gap comes primarily from women choosing lower paid industries, working part time or taking years out of the workforce. This is not obligatory.

Yes having children with additional needs complicates things, trust me I know! Childcare costs are far higher. So again, plans for such a situation need to be discussed in detail beforehand. And OP needs to be confident that she's securely her financial position sufficiently to be able to manage this alone if needed before having children. Otherwise it's a big risk that would be inadvisable.

However many people's husband's bugger off and leave them in dire financial circumstances with disabled children, so marriage is no real protection from that. The key point is to go into this with her eyes open and ensure she has sufficient independent earnings and bought her own property also before having children, if she wishes to progress this relationship to having children.

Personally I think it's better that he's been honest rather than stringing her along. Then she can decide whether this setup can work for her and plan her own independent finances appropriately, or decide this isn't the relationship setup she wants and she'd prefer one with shared finances.

Living with him in a beautiful self-built home rent-free is a pretty nice deal. If you're only paying a share of bills then you can save a large amount and buy your own property and rent it out. That way if anything went wrong you'd have a home of your own to move to. And you can save a lot for your pension also. Just focus on your own earnings and promotions and secure your own financial position

An excellent suggestion, which will only fall apart if OP chooses to believe that the DP doesn't really mean what he's said, that he'll probably marry her "soon", that a baby might persuade him to rethink, etc, etc

All of which would be choices, and all of them - to me at least - the wrong ones

... and at one year he's a boyfriend, not a partner !!!

She will be left high and dry for sure.

His ‘promises’ of 50% childcare and housework will amount to nothing. His selfish money making will tip into financial abuse, as she pleads for nappies and baby milk because she can’t afford her share of the bills on maternity pay.

He will expect her to step up cooking meals, cleaning and sex on tap as she is at home on maternity pay ‘doing nothing’ and she will grow to despise him, her life and motherhood.

But she can’t leave. She is locked in. The house value swells, as does his pension, status and savings whilst her money, prospects and mental health diminishes. Soon she is flat out working full time to stay afloat, she does the same again at home because she is too tired to argue. She can no longer afford to buy a house; even if she had the savings ( they were used up because he refused to pay for childcare and school shoes)

Who the hell would ever ever ever sign up for this?

It is self sabotage of the highest order.

Well if you want to mix genetic material with this man to create children, I would suggest making an equally business-like proposal to benefit you before you commit to anything.

So ok, you pay towards the household bills but only food, utilities and phone/ TV etc. Not any house maintenance, upkeep, or mortgage payments. You maintain a high interest savings account for saving towards your own property.

If you have children, while you are off work he pays you a wage to make up for any lost income, when you return to work he continues to pay towards lost income if you work part-time or he reduces his hours to contribute to childcare more actively.

You can draw up some 5 and 10 year plans, agree what you will do if you decide your partnership needs to be dissolved. How your children will be raised, what your priorities are for education, I'd you will have joint or separate holidays etc.

Show him you take his proposal seriously by taking it to its logical progression.

Or tell him thanks but no thanks (which is what I would do) You have the power op. Good luck.

Perhaps the main thrust of the replies weren't what she wished to hear

And perhaps she'll be another who "accidentally" gets pregnant in an effort to persuade him

And perhaps she'll reappear in future as yet another who's taken the risk and lost

Who knows?

@TooManyClouds there are a tonne of expenses that come with renting out a house that the OP would incur solely. Plus if the relationship ends she has to find somewhere to live, she can’t just kick her own tenant out. So she is still taking a massive hit that he isn’t.

Op this guy is not it. There is no commitment in having DC together. Commitment is sharing assets and finances. He wants DC now to trap you.

I would walk away