Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think partner is cheating

148 replies

Moonchild5 · 02/09/2023 21:25

Hi, my partner has a tendency to go out “for a few pints” & not return home & not communicate with me. I just knew he wasn’t returning home last night when he asked if I minded he go out for a few with a friend from his old job. I’m not his keeper so will never stop him from going out but told him last time to leave etc after he didn’t return home. I was pregnant every other time & have an 8 week old now. He messaged me this morning saying sorry I just stayed at my friends I’m just waiting on the train. Told him I’m not interested, gave him a lecture then not spoke to him all day. I find his wallet not long ago, I look in it to see if there’s any evidence of him taking drugs as he told me he stopped. I find a hotel receipt so he lied about staying at his friends. Is it likely he’s cheated? Can’t think why else he’d lie about where he stayed. Rather discuss here before making any quick decisions or flip out( I’m not naive be brutally honest)

OP posts:
Goldflap · 04/09/2023 13:03

So how does he explain the hotel?
You are not his carer it's not your job to heal him he should be caring for you and your newborn baby.

Daftapath · 04/09/2023 14:28

You are entitled to end the relationship for whatever reason, or no reason and you don't need his permission. He doesn't (and will unlikely) admit what he has done but I hope you stick to your guns that the relationship is over?

Laurdo · 04/09/2023 14:37

Daftapath · 04/09/2023 14:28

You are entitled to end the relationship for whatever reason, or no reason and you don't need his permission. He doesn't (and will unlikely) admit what he has done but I hope you stick to your guns that the relationship is over?

Exactly. Even the information you know to be 100% true and he can't deny is more than enough reason to end the relationship. Not that you need a reason, but it definitely makes it easier to give him reasons he can't dispute.

Original poster
Moonchild5 · 04/09/2023 16:55

Goldflap · 04/09/2023 13:03

So how does he explain the hotel?
You are not his carer it's not your job to heal him he should be caring for you and your newborn baby.

He said he didn’t tell me because he knew I’d think he was cheating but he stayed there with 2 of his friends because he was so off his face on drugs it was easier than coming home

OP posts:
Goldflap · 04/09/2023 17:08

That could be true but as PP have said the details are almost insignificant really because he has done you and your children wrong, he has disrespected you all and will continue to.

I suppose you need to ask yourself some hard questions, do you believe him and believe there is enough love to support an open and honest rehabilitation and recovery?

Can this man provide you with the security, love, respect and happiness you and your children deserve.

Take care of yourself and remember you are golden and deserve to be treated as such x

Shapemyeyebrows · 04/09/2023 17:25

@Moonchild5 I believe he was on drugs but I don’t believe he stayed on a hotel with his friends. Either way though, he’s clearly a waste of space. Don’t drown in this man’s issues.

Turfwars · 04/09/2023 17:27

He doesn't need your help to google "Rehab"

Just kick him out ffs.

Shapemyeyebrows · 04/09/2023 17:40

@Moonchild5 also, you do usually find that once they have been caught being somewhere they shouldn’t, they either say they are depressed and needed “space” or they went awol as they have drug/drink issues and need your help. It’s so common for them to be cheating but play the sympathy card due to them being depressed/ having a break down/ taking drugs / drinking too much, etc etc. Its very manipulative because it will make you think twice about questioning him.

Goldflap · 04/09/2023 17:48

Shapemyeyebrows · 04/09/2023 17:40

@Moonchild5 also, you do usually find that once they have been caught being somewhere they shouldn’t, they either say they are depressed and needed “space” or they went awol as they have drug/drink issues and need your help. It’s so common for them to be cheating but play the sympathy card due to them being depressed/ having a break down/ taking drugs / drinking too much, etc etc. Its very manipulative because it will make you think twice about questioning him.

That's so true... next step I'm going to take an overdose

Original poster
Moonchild5 · 04/09/2023 19:40

He started going out his way to describe the 3rd friend that was there(his friends friend that he didn’t know was coming) saying I was with this guy “name” he had this colour of hair etc I can never tell when he’s lying I don’t pick up on stuff like that very well

OP posts:
Goldflap · 04/09/2023 19:54

I think the general consensus here is though that whether he was cheating or you can prove he was is irrelevant now

The fact is he's treating you like shit either way and is not behaving like a responsible husband and father and so your choice is take the difficult step to leave him and see it through until you are out the other side and looking forward to a better future for you and your kids, or don't and continue as you are.

AhNowTed · 04/09/2023 19:59

@Moonchild5

No bloke gets coked up to spend it in a sex-less hotel room with mates.

NONE.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 04/09/2023 20:02

Regardless of whether you have 'proof' of his cheating... you don't want him in your home any more. He does not treat you with respect. Your son does not like him. No excuse is needed.

He is good at booking himself hotels. A talent he can now put to good use.

On his 'needing help'
This is a traditional line.
No doubt you are (according to him) responsible for his state too.

Just remember: You are not his mum or guardian angel. You have actual children to take care of and really don't need a drug problem in your house.

Original poster
Moonchild5 · 04/09/2023 20:08

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 04/09/2023 20:02

Regardless of whether you have 'proof' of his cheating... you don't want him in your home any more. He does not treat you with respect. Your son does not like him. No excuse is needed.

He is good at booking himself hotels. A talent he can now put to good use.

On his 'needing help'
This is a traditional line.
No doubt you are (according to him) responsible for his state too.

Just remember: You are not his mum or guardian angel. You have actual children to take care of and really don't need a drug problem in your house.

Apparently I don’t ask him how his days been often enough & he would like to feel loved too. I don’t ask because it started feeling like a chore, oh that’s him home better ask him how his days been. Same with the morning he’d asked why I stopped texting him good morning because it was always me texting him first & it would go, good morning how are you, I’m fine how are you & that was that it was so predictable

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonchild5 · 04/09/2023 20:10

AhNowTed · 04/09/2023 19:59

@Moonchild5

No bloke gets coked up to spend it in a sex-less hotel room with mates.

NONE.

I would never know I don’t drink, never took drugs & my sons dad never drank this is all new to me

OP posts:
LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 04/09/2023 20:32

I thought that he would be able to make it your fault somehow 😁.

Anyway, clearly he agrees with you that the relationship between you isn’t working.
A perfect reason for him to be gone!

AhNowTed · 04/09/2023 20:35

@Moonchild5 you'll just have to take my word for it. Coke and sex go hand in hand.

If you can't get your head around that, (appreciate why you wouldn't) this is a truism.. he will only admit to want you've absolutely caught him at.

"he would do a better job of hiding the evidence” if he cheated & is glad I caught him out taking drugs as he needs help"

Honestly I could have written it myself.

Original poster
Moonchild5 · 04/09/2023 20:44

AhNowTed · 04/09/2023 20:35

@Moonchild5 you'll just have to take my word for it. Coke and sex go hand in hand.

If you can't get your head around that, (appreciate why you wouldn't) this is a truism.. he will only admit to want you've absolutely caught him at.

"he would do a better job of hiding the evidence” if he cheated & is glad I caught him out taking drugs as he needs help"

Honestly I could have written it myself.

Oh I quite believe it. He admitted he takes it every weekend even when sitting in the house doing nothing. Says he definitely didn’t cheat on me, “he wouldn’t do that to me” I really can’t tell when someone is lying to me or not unless I have facts I can’t read body language & facial expressions etc something I’ve always struggled with probably how I’ve ended up in these situations

OP posts:
Raggammuffin · 04/09/2023 20:55

You said earlier that you felt deja vu.

I think that's enough.

Tell him ''I'm done, I feel deja vu, been here before, not doing it again. We're over''.

When I ended it with my x, I felt like it would be too cruel to say outright ''I don't love you anymore'' but because I didn't say that, he kept wheedling away at me for about 18 months after I'd LEFT. Argh. Looking back on it now I should have said ''look, I don't love you and you clearly don't love me''

In your shoes, keep repeating that ad infinitum, ''look, you don't love me and I don't love you, so what are we doing, I've been here before and I'm not doing it again''.

Repeat, rinse, repeat
You don't need proof he's lying, you don't owe it to him to believe him or forgive him. You're bored of this shabby shit.

babbscrabbs · 04/09/2023 20:57

Whether he's cheating or not, he has spanked loads of cash on coke and hotel rooms and got so wasted he couldn't get home. That in itself is sooooo shit especially when he's the father of an 8 week old baby.

Raggammuffin · 04/09/2023 20:57

The FACTS are that you feel unhappy and you're left gaslighting yourself effectively. You don't know what to believe and it's torture. You can end things because it's not working for you. Don't make it about whether he's lying or not lying (He is) make it about how loved, reassured, secure, supported, seen and heard you feel. Or not.

AhNowTed · 04/09/2023 20:58

@Moonchild5

That's all quite believable, coke with mates or even on your own - but a hotel room?? Come on you know that's bullshit.

Shapemyeyebrows · 04/09/2023 21:02

@Moonchild5 there’s little point trying to analyse if he’s lying or not. You already KNOW he was lying about where he was that night. So why wouldn’t anything he says now be the truth? Aren’t the things you know to be facts enough to realise you and your baby deserve better?

ProjectsGalore · 04/09/2023 21:26

So this isn't enough for you to end things after all?

Laurdo · 04/09/2023 21:28

babbscrabbs · 04/09/2023 20:57

Whether he's cheating or not, he has spanked loads of cash on coke and hotel rooms and got so wasted he couldn't get home. That in itself is sooooo shit especially when he's the father of an 8 week old baby.

Who doesn't have a job!