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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think partner is cheating

148 replies

Moonchild5 · 02/09/2023 21:25

Hi, my partner has a tendency to go out “for a few pints” & not return home & not communicate with me. I just knew he wasn’t returning home last night when he asked if I minded he go out for a few with a friend from his old job. I’m not his keeper so will never stop him from going out but told him last time to leave etc after he didn’t return home. I was pregnant every other time & have an 8 week old now. He messaged me this morning saying sorry I just stayed at my friends I’m just waiting on the train. Told him I’m not interested, gave him a lecture then not spoke to him all day. I find his wallet not long ago, I look in it to see if there’s any evidence of him taking drugs as he told me he stopped. I find a hotel receipt so he lied about staying at his friends. Is it likely he’s cheated? Can’t think why else he’d lie about where he stayed. Rather discuss here before making any quick decisions or flip out( I’m not naive be brutally honest)

OP posts:
Icepinkeskimo · 03/09/2023 04:22

He’s a bare faced liar isn’t he? Some men treat cheating like a “game” and when you get one piece of solid evidence, it’s flipped around and you’re paranoid, jealous, controlling blah blah blah.
You have to be absolutely rock solid in your mind to get him out of your life. He will as you already know will be indignant, angry, will deny it, and it will be lie after lie. He won’t change, they never do.
I think sometimes these cheating bastards target the loveliest kindest women because they just want the bread buttered on both sides.

Susieb2023 · 03/09/2023 06:43

You don’t need evidence of you don’t want to admit to looking in his wallet. You don’t need to justify why you’re leaving an unhappy relationship. You just need to say you’re not happy, you don’t feel valued, you don’t feel that your little family is valued, you suspect he is cheating and he needs to go.

I’m so so sorry but he really is one to get rid of. Sounds like your son does have the measure if him. Take decisive action and throw this one far back into the sea.

Tilllly · 03/09/2023 06:48

@Susieb2023 the sea?
Needs throwing into the sewer

OP, what are your plans? Do you need practical advice from those wise MNetters who've been where you are?

Susieb2023 · 03/09/2023 06:49

Tilllly · 03/09/2023 06:48

@Susieb2023 the sea?
Needs throwing into the sewer

OP, what are your plans? Do you need practical advice from those wise MNetters who've been where you are?

Ha! Very true!

Watchkeys · 03/09/2023 06:54

Moonchild5 · 02/09/2023 21:53

I’m so annoyed! The hypocrisy of this man. He goes on about how disgusting cheating is etc & he can’t stand liars. Grr

Try not to waste your time on all this judgement and fury. Stay as rational and clear headed as you can. He's disappointed you to the extent that you need to leave the relationship. That's all the drama there is here. Try not to add more.

I completely get how you feel, don't get me wrong. But now's the time to do what's right for you. Your emotions are yours to deal with, and you need to do that in a way you won't regret. There's little point in exploding at him, trying to teach him how to 'do better', or even telling him how you feel.

You are separate, now. How you feel is none of his business. Deal with your emotions away from him. Stay dignified. You'll be glad you did.

isthismylifenow · 03/09/2023 06:56

Your 10 year old is wise OP. But remember that you have been in the bubble so couldn't see it as clearly as those who are not.

It's likely he met up with a prostitute, it seemed pre arranged with the new clothes etc.

You say you were pregnant every other time he has done this, so you have other DC with him, or has he stayed out multiple times during this pregnancy?

What is your housing situation? Can you ask him to leave while you process everything?

I hope you and baby feel better soon. It makes it even worse that he has done this whilst you are both so unwell.

Original poster
Moonchild5 · 03/09/2023 07:22

Tilllly · 03/09/2023 06:48

@Susieb2023 the sea?
Needs throwing into the sewer

OP, what are your plans? Do you need practical advice from those wise MNetters who've been where you are?

I have no idea every time I’ve ever asked him to leave he’ll say if you really want me to leave then pack my stuff & I never do because I might as well wipe his bum for him I do that much for him & I refuse but also why can’t he do it. He said to me after I gave birth I didn’t realise how much I loved you until I seen you give birth what a load of crap

OP posts:
itsmyp4rty · 03/09/2023 07:28

Why would you move someone in and have a baby with them when your child hates them and they obviously make him really unhappy as he's always complaining about them?

I think you need to stop prioritising these awful men over your own child.

Original poster
Moonchild5 · 03/09/2023 07:32

isthismylifenow · 03/09/2023 06:56

Your 10 year old is wise OP. But remember that you have been in the bubble so couldn't see it as clearly as those who are not.

It's likely he met up with a prostitute, it seemed pre arranged with the new clothes etc.

You say you were pregnant every other time he has done this, so you have other DC with him, or has he stayed out multiple times during this pregnancy?

What is your housing situation? Can you ask him to leave while you process everything?

I hope you and baby feel better soon. It makes it even worse that he has done this whilst you are both so unwell.

He never bought new clothes this time but had just bought new clothes for an interview on Wednesday so he wouldn’t have wanted to spend any more money. The fact he got his beard trimmer out & I tidied it away for him after he left what an idiot lol never makes an effort for me. I found remnants of drugs on the room key card as well so confirms he was taking drugs

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/09/2023 07:34

I have no idea every time I’ve ever asked him to leave he’ll say if you really want me to leave then pack my stuff & I never do because I might as well wipe his bum for him

He's got you sussed.

Original poster
Moonchild5 · 03/09/2023 07:35

itsmyp4rty · 03/09/2023 07:28

Why would you move someone in and have a baby with them when your child hates them and they obviously make him really unhappy as he's always complaining about them?

I think you need to stop prioritising these awful men over your own child.

it wasn’t from the get go it was after he moved in but he hates everybody tbh as soon as someone annoys him once he’ll say that he says he hates me sometimes he doesn’t even like his great gran.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/09/2023 07:39

he’ll say that he says he hates me

Why are you in a relationship with someone who says things like this to you? Do you think you have to be? Do you think it's good for you? What does it give you, that makes it worth it?

Divebar2021 · 03/09/2023 07:39

He still has the room key card?

Original poster
Moonchild5 · 03/09/2023 07:48

Watchkeys · 03/09/2023 07:39

he’ll say that he says he hates me

Why are you in a relationship with someone who says things like this to you? Do you think you have to be? Do you think it's good for you? What does it give you, that makes it worth it?

That was about my son someone asked why I’m with him if my son doesn’t like him

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonchild5 · 03/09/2023 07:48

Divebar2021 · 03/09/2023 07:39

He still has the room key card?

Yeah it was in his Jean pocket

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 03/09/2023 07:54

You are in a dysfunctional relationship, and have been so for quite some time.

Here is what stuck out for me “every time I ask him to leave”. How many times have you asked him to leave ? In a healthy relationship this doesn’t happen. Also in the OP, you mention about “not talking to him” - again, silence and sulking is not part of a healthy relationship.

You have a baby now, so this man will have some involvement in your life until your baby is an Adult, but, that involvement does not have to involve a relationship with you.

Watchkeys · 03/09/2023 07:59

Moonchild5 · 03/09/2023 07:48

That was about my son someone asked why I’m with him if my son doesn’t like him

Show quote history

Sorry, I don't understand. Whatever it's about, if your partner is saying that he hates you my questions were 'Why do you stay? Do you think you have to? Do you think it's good for you? What does it give you, that makes it worth it?'

It looks like your response isn't an answer to the questions, but a reason for what he said, if you see what I mean.

Original poster
Moonchild5 · 03/09/2023 08:14

ExtraOnions · 03/09/2023 07:54

You are in a dysfunctional relationship, and have been so for quite some time.

Here is what stuck out for me “every time I ask him to leave”. How many times have you asked him to leave ? In a healthy relationship this doesn’t happen. Also in the OP, you mention about “not talking to him” - again, silence and sulking is not part of a healthy relationship.

You have a baby now, so this man will have some involvement in your life until your baby is an Adult, but, that involvement does not have to involve a relationship with you.

A few times while I was pregnant

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonchild5 · 03/09/2023 08:17

Watchkeys · 03/09/2023 07:59

Sorry, I don't understand. Whatever it's about, if your partner is saying that he hates you my questions were 'Why do you stay? Do you think you have to? Do you think it's good for you? What does it give you, that makes it worth it?'

It looks like your response isn't an answer to the questions, but a reason for what he said, if you see what I mean.

Show quote history

My partner never said he hates me, my son has said that occasionally. My son says he hates everyone at someone point I didn’t think there was anything to it he doesn’t even like his great gran

OP posts:
Beaverbridge · 03/09/2023 08:17

Oh love, you've got enough going on with a new baby and you both having covid. What a shit he is out partying whilst you, re I'll. I hope you and baby got some sleep.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 03/09/2023 08:25

@Watchkeys the OP said her son hates her partner and someone said why are you getting a guy your son hates to move in and the Op said he hates everyone and said he hates me sometimes

Goldflap · 03/09/2023 08:30

Please seek the support of people that love you and end this relationship.

I don't really understand why staying with him is easier than a few hours packing his stuff?
Yes he's being a prick saying you pack his stuff but you already know he is one so really this is just a tiny detail in the bigger picture.

Be a role model for your children on self respect and healthy relationships and focus on them for now and let yourself and them heal.

lincolngirl1097 · 03/09/2023 08:40

I would pack his bags and kick him the kerb, file a child support claim and start claiming universal credit if you aren't already! He sounds awful OP.

Original poster
Moonchild5 · 03/09/2023 08:49

Goldflap · 03/09/2023 08:30

Please seek the support of people that love you and end this relationship.

I don't really understand why staying with him is easier than a few hours packing his stuff?
Yes he's being a prick saying you pack his stuff but you already know he is one so really this is just a tiny detail in the bigger picture.

Be a role model for your children on self respect and healthy relationships and focus on them for now and let yourself and them heal.

It’s not o just don’t want to do it for him & don’t know why he can’t do it

OP posts:
Boymummyofone · 03/09/2023 08:57

"It’s not o just don’t want to do it for him & don’t know why he can’t do it"

That's neither here nor there. Why are you playing this game of chicken with him. Think about your children. Pack his shit and tell him to leave.