Row with DH - totally confused

[Needsomeadvice0923]

Argh so annoying. Just had a really strange row with DH and would appreciate some perspective.

We were talking about some home improvements we need doing, and I said I wanted a day or two to think about / research some ideas before talking further.

(Argh this is so stupid, sorry).

Anyway, DH kept pushing me for answers and the conversation suddenly descended into him calling me names - character assassination type stuff (I’m this, I’m that) rather than swearing iyswim - to the point that I asked him to stop and leave the room, as it was becoming a really unpleasant (and in my mind: juvenile) row.

But he carried on. Standing with his arms folded
and basically just being mean. So I told him I was removing myself from the situation and went into the bathroom (I was just about to jump in the shower anyway before the row) and locked the door to get away from him.

He suddenly followed behind me and tried to open the door. Tbh I originally thought he had punched the door behind me in anger, so I opened it and just said ‘stop’ (we have kids downstairs). To which he put his foot in the door so I couldn’t close it again and stood in the doorway in order to continue having a go at me. I said repeatedly he was being physically aggressive and I would like him to leave me alone. And ideally just leave the house entirely.

We then had this totally ridiculous back and forth where he tells me how awful I am (stuff like I’m patronising, have no respect, am terrible at communication) and I tell him using his physicality to intimidate me in a row is unacceptable. I asked him repeatedly to leave me alone but he just wouldn’t. To the point that I momentarily thought about calling the police (or his mum!) but realised it would sound totally ridiculous.

Eventually he moved from the door so I could close it. I locked the door and shouted “stop bullying me!”

TBH I’m really confused. He just blew his top. I honestly don’t know if it’s bad or not, or how bad it is, if it’s bad at all. I just really didn’t know what to do. I’m perfectly happy to discuss things reasonably with him, but rowing like this with DH is so tiresome and destructive.

I know he’s worried about our finances at the moment. We’re a bit up against it with the mortgage rises and our jobs are not secure either so it’s all a bit stressful right now.

He seems to go though this cycle every few weeks. Everything is fine, then he’s weird and mean, then we go back to normal again. His mean phase is usually just argumentative and short tempered … so this today is unusual.

For clarity - DH has never hit me or anything like that and we’ve been together for almost 20 years. However, once - 10 years ago - he briefly smothered me (in a row, from behind, and to stop me from talking).

WWYD? I’m at a total loss! He won’t see he has done anything wrong and I’m certain is waiting for an apology. Weirdly I’m worried for him more than anything right now.

Sorry this is sooooo long.

He's vile.

I don't really know what else to say.

Look carefully at your options

And sorry I quoted and made it even longer!

Ha. I tried to keep it succinct but totally failed!

That is very scary to read.

He is an abusive violent bully.

Ring Women's aid for advice.

Honestly I couldn't move on from that.

He is a violent man.

Please think of calling 101 for a chat.

Smothering your mouth is so scary.

Why would it be ridiculous to call the police to say that you’re intimidated by an aggressive man who has possibly punched the door in anger, followed you into your bathroom and won’t let you shut the door? It’s not. It sounds to me like this is domestic abuse and that there may have been some coercive control going on for some time, hence your confusion. Physical violence is often something that develops after years of abuse rather than right away. The previous smothering and the fact that the behaviour seems almost random, and the fact that you’re confused and feeling that it’s ridiculous of you if you’re worried about him after a row like this makes me think there are red flags here for coercive control. Please have a look at the cycle of abuse and ask yourself does his random behaviour make more sense and seem less random in light of that. And I would strongly advise that you call the national domestic abuse helpline for advice. It’s 24/7.

Sadly I understand how you feel only too well OP, it took me a long time to understand that what my partner was doing was coercive control/domestic abuse, even after he hit me I was so confused.

You need to think about not only yourself but also your kids.

Oh op I think this is really
concerning. 2 serious incidents. The fact that he is fine sometimes and they have popped up out of the blue is even more
concerning for me. The smothering thing was too far and now this. Please think about leaving him. I honestly think this is very scary behaviour.

LTB

https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/PowerandControl.pdf

In the medium to long term I really recommend doing the Freedom Programme. It helped me to understand what had happened to me and make sense of things that seemed to make no sense (such as this level of conflict arising from a discussion over home decor).

Thank you. I’ll take a look at that today.

Your instinct was to call the police, next time listen to your instinct and try to figure out how to make sure there isn’t a next time.

You’re so welcome. Finding out about the cycle of abuse and how it works made a lot of odd behaviour slot into place for me.

Argh it’s so hard. He’s fine apart from occasional weirdness like this.
The smothering thing was a decade ago so aaages ago, but it does play on my mind when we row.

However, once - 10 years ago - he briefly smothered me (in a row, from behind, and to stop me from talking).

You should have left him the moment this happened. Your husband is potentially a very dangerous man, and his behaviour today is extremely alarming. Personally, I would not feel comfortable with him being in the home. His lack of self control and his relentless, abusive, emotionally violent and physically threatening antics are totally unacceptable.

How you get beyond this, I don't know. He has massively crossed a line. Again.

When.you wrote annoying I was not expecting the severity of events you mentioned. Him.using his physical dominance is totally unacceptable.
He needs to look at this and his anger
The money worries are to me are secondary to his anger issues. If it was not money worries then it would be something else no doubt.

When.you wrote annoying I was not expecting the severity of events you mentioned. Him.using his physical dominance is totally unacceptable.
He needs to look at this and his anger
The money worries are to me are secondary to his anger issues. If it was not money worries then it would be something else no doubt.

The smothering thing is a recognised major red flag. Any person who deliberately covers/smothers your mouth, nose and/or throat is a dangerous person.

I know it can all sound a bit ridiculous and outlandish when it's about someone you know and basically trust (like your DH), but honestly, abusers aren't evil, obvious monsters usually. They're "normal" people. They have other sides to them. But like your DH, they can and do also treat some people (you) with violence, aggression and harmful physical and emotional behaviour. That's abuse.

You need to get out. For yourself, and also so your children don't keep having this normalised.

Sorry I think I put slightly the wrong link before, this is the one about the cycle of abuse here.

My ex was also fine in the reconciliation/calm phases, but over time they became shorter and shorter and the “weirdness” and my worry about what innocent thing would set off the next episode became more prominent.

There is a reason the smothering thing has stuck with you. It’s not ok and it’s not normal, I’m sorry. I know it’s so hard to hear this. Don’t worry about people saying you should have left before, everyone thinks they will leave but they don’t understand until it happens to them that abuse is often insidious and confusing and you don’t always react to situations the way you thought you would do in theory. As a young woman I also said I’d leave someone the second they lifted their hand to me. Yet in reality I didn’t. I think it takes something like 7 incidents of major abuse before people tend to leave when it has been researched. So don’t worry that you didn’t leave before but look at this as a wake up call now.

https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/cycle-of-abuse

Was not expecting this response but thank you for your comments.

Wtf do I do now? Guess I need to talk to him. Currently up in my room hiding away.

I kept saying to myself “but he’s never hit me”. And then he did. Hitting isn’t the first stage, it’s where it ends up.

Not necessarily, OP, no. You don't have to talk to him. Indeed, don't do so if you don't feel 100% safe. You can't reason with abusive behaviour.

I would recommend your next steps be a chat with Womens Aid. Focus on keeping yourself and the kids physically and emotionally safe at home. Remember that when a child/ren witness abuse in the home, they are also victims of that abuse.

Keep chatting to us on here for as long as it helps.

Today’s incident was appalling.
10 years ago - he briefly smothered me (in a row, from behind, and to stop me from talking) This is awful.

He seems to go though this cycle every few weeks. Everything is fine, then he’s weird and mean But while there have been two very serious incidents in 20 years, you are always living with the threat of moods and meanness.

Are your kids safe? If so then I would not be in a rush to leave where you are safe currently and definitely don’t immediately talk to him about all of this. If at any point you feel you or your kids are not safe then call 999 and don’t even worry about wasting their time, it’s not a waste of time at all.

Womens aid

Your husband is dangerous

The smothering thing is such a red flag. You say it only happened once but that's all he needed right. Now it's a constant threat in the back of your mind every time you argue.

I hate it when people say he's never hit me. As if that's an achievement. He is abusing you. He's just not hitting you. Yet.

Besides which he has already put his hands on you.

Get help. Tell people. Get real life support.