Row with DH - totally confused

[Needsomeadvice0923]

Argh so annoying. Just had a really strange row with DH and would appreciate some perspective.

We were talking about some home improvements we need doing, and I said I wanted a day or two to think about / research some ideas before talking further.

(Argh this is so stupid, sorry).

Anyway, DH kept pushing me for answers and the conversation suddenly descended into him calling me names - character assassination type stuff (I’m this, I’m that) rather than swearing iyswim - to the point that I asked him to stop and leave the room, as it was becoming a really unpleasant (and in my mind: juvenile) row.

But he carried on. Standing with his arms folded
and basically just being mean. So I told him I was removing myself from the situation and went into the bathroom (I was just about to jump in the shower anyway before the row) and locked the door to get away from him.

He suddenly followed behind me and tried to open the door. Tbh I originally thought he had punched the door behind me in anger, so I opened it and just said ‘stop’ (we have kids downstairs). To which he put his foot in the door so I couldn’t close it again and stood in the doorway in order to continue having a go at me. I said repeatedly he was being physically aggressive and I would like him to leave me alone. And ideally just leave the house entirely.

We then had this totally ridiculous back and forth where he tells me how awful I am (stuff like I’m patronising, have no respect, am terrible at communication) and I tell him using his physicality to intimidate me in a row is unacceptable. I asked him repeatedly to leave me alone but he just wouldn’t. To the point that I momentarily thought about calling the police (or his mum!) but realised it would sound totally ridiculous.

Eventually he moved from the door so I could close it. I locked the door and shouted “stop bullying me!”

TBH I’m really confused. He just blew his top. I honestly don’t know if it’s bad or not, or how bad it is, if it’s bad at all. I just really didn’t know what to do. I’m perfectly happy to discuss things reasonably with him, but rowing like this with DH is so tiresome and destructive.

I know he’s worried about our finances at the moment. We’re a bit up against it with the mortgage rises and our jobs are not secure either so it’s all a bit stressful right now.

He seems to go though this cycle every few weeks. Everything is fine, then he’s weird and mean, then we go back to normal again. His mean phase is usually just argumentative and short tempered … so this today is unusual.

For clarity - DH has never hit me or anything like that and we’ve been together for almost 20 years. However, once - 10 years ago - he briefly smothered me (in a row, from behind, and to stop me from talking).

WWYD? I’m at a total loss! He won’t see he has done anything wrong and I’m certain is waiting for an apology. Weirdly I’m worried for him more than anything right now.

Sorry this is sooooo long.

Thanks everyone.
I actually feel a bit embarrassed and like I have failed. Anyone else have those emotions in similar circumstances?

Thank you. Kids are safe.

Totally normal, but not "true" ❤you are not an embarrassment or a failure. At all. Massive well done for reaching out here and sharing what has happened. You've got nothing but respect, support and understanding here from us. No need to be perfect, no need to have all the answers. You'll get there.

If everyone is safe then try to keep everything low key and deescalate things for now, maybe just try to avoid each other as much as you can for now. If you have an opportunity to get out of the house and go to a friend or relatives while making sure the kids are safe and not on their own with him then that would be good. Talk to Women’s Aid or similar (call the national helpline if you’re not sure who it is In your area). But make sure he doesn’t get wind of it (hence it would be better to go somewhere else). Get some advice, talk it through in detail with these people who really understand abuse. They won’t force you into doing anything you’re not ready for and will be able to help and advise you, even if you think this isn’t abuse. They won’t see it as a waste of time for you to call them.

Don't feel embarrassed. We all just want you and your children to be safe

You have absolutely not failed. Your husband is at fault. My blood ran cold at the smothering. He's an angry and aggressive, violent man. You wouldn't excuse it as 'ages ago' , I bet, if it happened to your children in their relationships. Call WA for advice. Please don't dismiss this behaviour.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. A sense of shame and failure is unfortunately normal in these circumstances but you did not ask for this and it is not your fault. Just like it wouldn’t be your fault if you were mugged on the street. There is nothing you did that led to this. That’s why I said don’t let people saying you should have left this obviously awful man upset you. I understand why people might think that. But domestic abuse, especially from the father of your children, is much more nuanced and complicated than people want to realise.

You shouldn’t have to hide in your bedroom from your husband, that says a lot

I agree with everyone else. Women's aid and the freedom programme to help you see this for what it is. And see him for who he is. I'm willing to bet you modify your behaviour around him and have done for years. That's not OK.

FWIW DH & I make big decisions very differently. I'm like you, I need time to think and read the details; DH likes to talk to people & look/smell/feel things. The difference is that DH respects my decision making process and I understand his. You are not unreasonable for needing to make decisions your way.

I’m so sorry you are going through this and I know (even down to the 20 years!) how subtly pernicious this can be, the self-doubt, second-guessing whether it’s really bad enough to ‘count’…

He’s a bully. Stressed out or not, it’s no excuse. FWIW I did —finally—leave after 20 years and that was 5 blissful years ago. The relief is indescribable even now.

I know how hard it can be to admit to yourself or to see clearly. Just please know — it’s not ok… wishing you the best — keep posting

I'm so sorry, OP, but as others have said you really need to think carefully about your future with this man and how far his physical and mental bullying will go.

What?!?!?!
it would not have been ridiculous to call the police at that point.
ive never locked a door behind me to get away from dh. It’s very telling you thought he had punched it as well.
calling you names and berating you for a long time is horrific.
and you just casually mentioning he smothered you one time made me feel a bit sick.
please get some help and support irl. Maybe woman’s aid like pp have suggested.

Smothering? Or do you mean he put his hand over your mouth momentarily to quieten you?

Yes, I guess I do modify my behaviour around him from time to time. He gets cross very easily with me so sometimes and I suppose, I tread carefully. We have different communication styles and that bothers him.

I’m menopausal at the moment as well: my attention span has been affected (it’s never been great) and I get brain fog too. So he’ll talk to me sometimes - particularly when I’m at work (both wfh) - and I find it difficult to concentrate on what he’s saying. This always sets him off.

And whilst we’re here, I might as well throw in this grenade: I’ve been getting hot flushes and he complains bitterly if I open the bedroom window at night to get some air in. To the extent that I don’t even bother now because he’ll mention how awful it is for him that the window is open. I am so bloody hot at night!!!

But usual stuff: I do love him. The children love him. We’ve built a home together. Don’t know here I would start with the finances. And divorce in my wider family is absolutely shameful.

I actually think talking to him is the very last thing you need to do right now OP, time and space to process what's happened and figure out how you feel is far more useful and less likely to result in you allowing this to be shoved back under the carpet. Use the time to really think about how he treats you and get some real life support, either from friends/family or Women's Aid

Fair question. From memory we had been rowing about something or other. He just came up behind me - I wasn’t talking at that point - and put his hand over my mouth and nose, and I couldn’t breathe. I wriggled free and left the house. He said it was an accident at the time. Still not quite sure what happened it happened quickly and was very confusing.

I had the same thought. Smothering invokes some strong emotions doesn't it?

I'm very worried for you @Needsomeadvice0923 . Your H is abusive. He is trying to intimate you with his physicality. He is also being verbally and emotionally abusive. This is abuse. Non fatal suffocation is a crime. Its very dangerous. Suffocation as abuse increases your chances of being murdered significantly (I think its 7x more likely). He is literally showing you he can take your life. Don't minimise his behaviour because he doesn't hit you. You need to leave him but you need support to do it. Talk to woman's aid but be cautions, don't alter him to you leaving, delete any records of calls to woman's aid and cover your tracks. Leaving can be dangerous.

Wow.

Op posts about abusive partner.

Poster asks if they've ever been abusive towards him.

Just incredible. Please go and educate yourself instead of victim blaming.

Uhm I just don't now how that would happen.

Are you 12 and so have no experience of men?

Smothering? Or do you mean he put his hand over your mouth momentarily to quieten you?

Oh well, THAT would be Ok, then. /s

I rarely post LTB, it is easy to type those words about someone else's life, but on this occasion it is a full on LTB.

He sounds like someone who has to make an effort to be normal.most of the time but then slips when not getting his way and sometimes REALLY slips. Your post and updates give me the creeps actually OP.

It's not you that has failed, OP.

He has failed. To be a good husband, to respect you and to make sure his kids feel safe. If his mood swings are as frequent as that he must be just awful to live with.

The man made a decision to obstruct your airways. You couldn't breathe. This doesn't happen by accident. I think both of you know that, though.

It's difficult when men show us who they are. But we have to listen and pay attention. Speak to someone, OP. Good luck.