Row with DH - totally confused

[Needsomeadvice0923]

Argh so annoying. Just had a really strange row with DH and would appreciate some perspective.

We were talking about some home improvements we need doing, and I said I wanted a day or two to think about / research some ideas before talking further.

(Argh this is so stupid, sorry).

Anyway, DH kept pushing me for answers and the conversation suddenly descended into him calling me names - character assassination type stuff (I’m this, I’m that) rather than swearing iyswim - to the point that I asked him to stop and leave the room, as it was becoming a really unpleasant (and in my mind: juvenile) row.

But he carried on. Standing with his arms folded
and basically just being mean. So I told him I was removing myself from the situation and went into the bathroom (I was just about to jump in the shower anyway before the row) and locked the door to get away from him.

He suddenly followed behind me and tried to open the door. Tbh I originally thought he had punched the door behind me in anger, so I opened it and just said ‘stop’ (we have kids downstairs). To which he put his foot in the door so I couldn’t close it again and stood in the doorway in order to continue having a go at me. I said repeatedly he was being physically aggressive and I would like him to leave me alone. And ideally just leave the house entirely.

We then had this totally ridiculous back and forth where he tells me how awful I am (stuff like I’m patronising, have no respect, am terrible at communication) and I tell him using his physicality to intimidate me in a row is unacceptable. I asked him repeatedly to leave me alone but he just wouldn’t. To the point that I momentarily thought about calling the police (or his mum!) but realised it would sound totally ridiculous.

Eventually he moved from the door so I could close it. I locked the door and shouted “stop bullying me!”

TBH I’m really confused. He just blew his top. I honestly don’t know if it’s bad or not, or how bad it is, if it’s bad at all. I just really didn’t know what to do. I’m perfectly happy to discuss things reasonably with him, but rowing like this with DH is so tiresome and destructive.

I know he’s worried about our finances at the moment. We’re a bit up against it with the mortgage rises and our jobs are not secure either so it’s all a bit stressful right now.

He seems to go though this cycle every few weeks. Everything is fine, then he’s weird and mean, then we go back to normal again. His mean phase is usually just argumentative and short tempered … so this today is unusual.

For clarity - DH has never hit me or anything like that and we’ve been together for almost 20 years. However, once - 10 years ago - he briefly smothered me (in a row, from behind, and to stop me from talking).

WWYD? I’m at a total loss! He won’t see he has done anything wrong and I’m certain is waiting for an apology. Weirdly I’m worried for him more than anything right now.

Sorry this is sooooo long.

@Needsomeadvice0923 Reading your OP made my heart rate increase, like when you watch a scary scene in a film. Your H’s behaviour is not ok.

It’s a LTB from me too. Please don’t accept this any longer. It’s clear from your writing style that your coping mechanism is to be cheerful and defuse things but that won’t work with this kind of abusive stuff. Please take steps.

Really? Asking, sorry, how did the argument unfold? Is victim blaming?

He is dangerous.

Please leave him.

@AtrociousCircumstance I agree with you. It does read like a scary film and OP is coping by minimising and being optimistic/looking for positives. I did a similar thing at the time and looking back it’s hard to believe I did. I do remember that part of my life like it was a scary film. It seemed so unreal and not my actual life. In a sense it does “work” for the situation of living in an abusive relationship, it’s an adaptive behaviour, but only up to a point.

I am really concerned about the smothering which is a risk factor for being murdered in a domestic abuse setting as a previous op laid out. It’s terrifying to hear h the is stuff but I also believe information is power. Best of luck to you OP and keep us posted.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/abusers-use-suffocation-as-a-power-move

It's an escalation which will end in outright violence - arguably already has with the smothering. Wishing you strength - you need to get out.

Meant kindly but you sound awfully passive OP.

You need to find anger.

As for your original question? I would get my ass to a solicitor or three to get advice in the first instance as knowledge is power. I would then set everything in train and then tell him. If he kicks off, I would call the police and I would tell them about the smothering event as well as this recent one that set you on the path to divorce.

No way would I stay with this man irrespective of how 'shameful' divorce is seen.
shameful is him abusing you.

Don't bother trying to discuss any of this with him. you will get nowhere. he has a vested interest int he status quo and it will alert him to your plans. Get organised first so you know what's what.

@Ohhbaby Jesus Christ. Just drop it

Yes you were victim blaming. You asked if she had done something to incite him.

Your post was thoughtless and tactless as is this continuation of insisting you were right.

Why are you derailing this thread. Have some compassion for the op

Putting your hands over someone's nose and mouth to stop them breathing can NEVER be justified as an accident! That is scary OP.

His anger is unpredictable. That makes him dangerous. You actually are in danger from this man even if you don't think these two incidents are serious enough.

@ErniesGhostlyGoldTops the OP is not passive, she is being abused. I agree that she should go and speak to a lawyer and start to make moves to leave, but please don’t call her passive. It’s a very difficult situation to be in and it can take some time to realise what exactly is happening.

OP - DON'T talk to him about the situation.

You must think and act in secret.
If he gets wind of what is going through your head, his behaviour could escalate dangerously.

Take your time.
Find someone to talk to in real life who is completely safe and confidential - but don't be surprised if friends who have never experienced abuse just don't understand and end up giving you bad advice. Definitely talk to a phone helpline as they are the experts in this field.

OP please know this is not normal. At all. You've been dealing with this for 20 years so it will take you a while but don't beat yourself up. What he is doing is abusive and awful. You'd be better off alone.

I know. I've been there. I thought I had mental health problems until I realized every panic attack, melt down or angry episode was directly related to a similar episode to what you describe. Awful moments when I'd be subjected to shouting, called names, cornered so I couldn't escape and had to sit there and listen to how awful I am. It took me a while to get over exH but my life truly is better without him.

I was also wondering what you meant by smothered to keep you from talking.

This is very frightening and violent behaviour . And it wasn’t anything to do with you talking since you weren’t, but he did in a roundabout way do it to shut you up in future - it sounds like he lost his temper and tried kill you or he wanted to intimidate you and show that he is capable of badly harming or killing you. He seemingly enjoys dominating you in this way.

He is horrible. He should not treat you like that with that aggression! I’d be making plans to leave.

Honestly, sometimes I wish men like this would hit their wives because then they’d be able to easily see that it’s abuse and their DH can be arrested and charged.

But they don’t because they’re clever.

Rowing is going to happen in relationships.

But this wasn’t about you having an affair or gambling away all the family money, this was a normal discussion about home improvements - for him to start calling you names over it is disgusting and the fact that he followed you to the bathroom and put his foot in the door actually made me nervous when reading it.

I think you were very, very close to being physically assaulted.

This on its own would make me feel too worried to ever go near him again but the fact that something happened before is very scary!

I wonder if the reason there have been no episodes in between us simply because you’ve done what you’re told to do and avoid having confrontations around him.

Have you ever felt a bit like you were walking on egg shells?

I agree.

I think she’s also in a bit of shock too and perhaps coming to the realisation that this behaviour isn’t ok and he’s not the man she thought he was.

It reads to me like she has sort of disassociated herself from it because of shock, rather than passive or perhaps just because she’s so used to it.

It really sounds as if this is escalating.

However, once - 10 years ago - he briefly smothered me (in a row, from behind, and to stop me from talking)

He did that because he knew he was stronger than you, and that if he wanted to, he really would be able to smother you. Do you think he would have dared to try that on with another man???? He did that because you're a woman. To me that is physically crossing the line and a dumping offence. Men should learn that if they do those sort of things to women, it's over.

Same goes for men who block doorways to stop women from leaving and things like that - they do it because they know you are totally overpowered in that situation, and other than calling the police (which they often know you won't do), you have no way to stop it.

Be careful OP.

The thing is, to me, a man putting his hand over my mouth like that would be beyond disrespectful. Other than screaming in the street or something, I'm struggling to think of acceptable circumstances. He did that because she's a woman, because I can bet he wouldn't have dared to try on that kind of stunt on another man. They know the physical escelation is would lead to, but they feel quite comfortable doing it to another woman.

other woman*

a woman*

If every abusive man was obviously nasty and violent or unkind and controlling every day then no women would stay with them for long Op. Your DH reigns himself in enough to make you doubt yourself, the talk of "weirdness" is as if these were episodes beyond his control. The most worrying thing in your post for me is the way once he starts he hounds you without mercy, it's as if he wants you backed into a corner until you fight back. I think the day you finally broke and raised a hand to him in any way would be the day he would finally let himself hit you, there's a lot of violence lurking there in his behaviour and he just wants to feel justified in hitting you, that you "asked for it".
Speak to Women's Aid Op, you really aren't safe with this man

This. Because whilst neither is acceptable they are not the same at all.

Take it very seriously, don't be tempted to minimize or invalidate your experience. If he doesn't take it seriously then he's not going to address it. Abusive people are generally fine and charming in between incidents, that's how it works.

OP answered this at 16.24. Smothering rather than quietening.

Hope you're ok OP. You must be feeling really shocked and upset, not just at what happened but at taking on the re-framing of it all as abuse and dangerous.
Take care of yourself. 💐

@Needsomeadvice0923 I agree with @Nanny0gg It's not ''love'' it's a trauma bond. You're locked in a cycle of needing his approval because sometimes he gives it. So that rare approval ends up giving you a dopamine hit. Intermittent positive reinforcement is really hard to walk away from. You feel like the bond must be love because it's so all-encompassing but it's a trauma bond. When he's out, look up trauma bond on you tube. Meredith Miller Inner Integration has a couple of good videos on trauma bond.
If you spend your time thinking about how good it could be, that's not love.