Row with DH - totally confused

[Needsomeadvice0923]

Argh so annoying. Just had a really strange row with DH and would appreciate some perspective.

We were talking about some home improvements we need doing, and I said I wanted a day or two to think about / research some ideas before talking further.

(Argh this is so stupid, sorry).

Anyway, DH kept pushing me for answers and the conversation suddenly descended into him calling me names - character assassination type stuff (I’m this, I’m that) rather than swearing iyswim - to the point that I asked him to stop and leave the room, as it was becoming a really unpleasant (and in my mind: juvenile) row.

But he carried on. Standing with his arms folded
and basically just being mean. So I told him I was removing myself from the situation and went into the bathroom (I was just about to jump in the shower anyway before the row) and locked the door to get away from him.

He suddenly followed behind me and tried to open the door. Tbh I originally thought he had punched the door behind me in anger, so I opened it and just said ‘stop’ (we have kids downstairs). To which he put his foot in the door so I couldn’t close it again and stood in the doorway in order to continue having a go at me. I said repeatedly he was being physically aggressive and I would like him to leave me alone. And ideally just leave the house entirely.

We then had this totally ridiculous back and forth where he tells me how awful I am (stuff like I’m patronising, have no respect, am terrible at communication) and I tell him using his physicality to intimidate me in a row is unacceptable. I asked him repeatedly to leave me alone but he just wouldn’t. To the point that I momentarily thought about calling the police (or his mum!) but realised it would sound totally ridiculous.

Eventually he moved from the door so I could close it. I locked the door and shouted “stop bullying me!”

TBH I’m really confused. He just blew his top. I honestly don’t know if it’s bad or not, or how bad it is, if it’s bad at all. I just really didn’t know what to do. I’m perfectly happy to discuss things reasonably with him, but rowing like this with DH is so tiresome and destructive.

I know he’s worried about our finances at the moment. We’re a bit up against it with the mortgage rises and our jobs are not secure either so it’s all a bit stressful right now.

He seems to go though this cycle every few weeks. Everything is fine, then he’s weird and mean, then we go back to normal again. His mean phase is usually just argumentative and short tempered … so this today is unusual.

For clarity - DH has never hit me or anything like that and we’ve been together for almost 20 years. However, once - 10 years ago - he briefly smothered me (in a row, from behind, and to stop me from talking).

WWYD? I’m at a total loss! He won’t see he has done anything wrong and I’m certain is waiting for an apology. Weirdly I’m worried for him more than anything right now.

Sorry this is sooooo long.

I don't think he is the person you need to talk to, at all. Women's Aid or the police would be a safer bet. Don't let on that you are realising that his behaviour is abnormal, or that you might consider leaving. Above all, keep safe. WA will advise you on how to do that. Just make sure you delete your call log on your phone and any browsing history on your phone or computer.

So sorry to hear this OP.
My DH has erupted verbally a couple of times over the past few years (we've been married for 18 years).

It's when he's stressed from work.

It's horrible and scary. The last time it happened, after he had calmed down and had apologised, I said that he needs counselling. He agreed to this.

If his behaviour was paired with physical aggression, I wouldn't be here.

Meant to say, take care of yourself.

Hi OP this is the thing, something always starts somewhere, and often with people's posts there is back history, as is the case with your relationship.
I understand why people will often say, and feel the need to state 'partner has never been physically abusive' because they also might not know, or have become used to emotional/mental/verbal abuse, and many have picked up that if you haven't been hit etc then it's not abuse.

Stress, problems etc will make people react in ways they usually wouldn't or wouldn't like from others. But there is a limit. If you have rows and are both on the same respectable level then that is different.
I would always think if I'd done something wrong then it was okay for the other person to say or even do nasty things.
But then the other person should respond in a non abusive way, if they are a decent non abusive person.

That row got out of hand way too quickly. And he crossed boundaries.

Have there been other rows where he has not been very nice too?

Also despite how long ago it might have been, the incident you mentioned what he did, as you say to stop you talking that to me would also still border on abuse because he physically tried to stop you doing something.

People can go months or even years without doing something drastic but then no doubt it will happen again, you can be almost sure of it. And if it doesn't, just like myself and I'm sure others have experienced, you are then on edge wondering will this happen again this time or not.

The fact that he's okay for a bit then blowing up again, it's not okay and not good, it's not a good environment to live in.
Or for your children.

I wouldn't wait for things to escalate further, I would be taking steps to get away from him, and if anything happens in between call the police.

I wouldn't talk to him and tell him anything you are planning to do, he doesn't need to know that, plus he might seem worried or back down, but who knows what can bubble beneath the surface and come out in the next row etc.

Really dangerous and I promise you 100% not normal or loving or kind. I would be terrified if DH did this just once to show you how wrong and abnormal in a relationship this is. He is abusive.

He would really frighten me. I would feel so intimidated if somebody behaved like that, and as for the smothering I could not get past that.

Women die every day at the hands of their partners. It's not extreme to say that he could well be one of those people.

Don't be worried for him! He's a grown man and knows that his behaviour is unacceptable but you choose to accept it and play it down. You feel threatened in your own home, are being called awful names and subjected to his temper tantrum and physically aggressive. For gods sake, get out of this relationship for you and your kids!

This book might help you OP it's written by an expert who's worked with abusive men for decades, it offers some explanations and a practical guide for leaving in as safe a way as possible at the end, if that's what you're getting ready to do.

https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

There's no point talking to him. He's abusing you, he knows what he's doing, he's not going to stop.

If you do talk to him, he'll either lovebomb you to bring you back into line and make you think it will all be ok or he will escalate, potentially explosively given the previous smothering.

You and your children deserve better.

These cycles you talk about, are the bad parts when you say no or disagree with him? Are the good parts when you do/say what he wants? Do you adjust your words, tone or timing when trying to talk to him? Are you aware when he might not be in a good mood and shield the children from him?

If yes then you are being abused. Manipulated. Controlled. You are not your own person and you are teaching your children bad boundaries.

First things first. Contact Women's Aid. They will ask you relevant questions, they will ask what you are after and they will signpost you to the relevant support. They will not judge you. You can email if you don't have enough privacy to chat. Please take that first step. Good luck
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

The first part doesn't make sense as many women still don't see it as abuse or realise how bad it is, even when they've been hit. And plenty do not ring the police and said person gets arrested and charged, if only!

There's no getting away from the fact that your dh's behaviour went way beyond acceptable boundaries on this occasion. It sounds like it's not unusual for him to be unreasonably angry. The mouth covering thing sent a chill down my spine.
Don't act rashly. Bide your time, do some research into the behaviours of abusive / dangerous men.

Please don't ignore this behaviour. It may not escalate so far again but then again, it probably will. Ask yourself what you want to teach your children about relationships. Do you want your boys to think they can treat women like this? Or your girls that they should accept a man treating them like this?

Please take the advice of previous posters & contact Women's Aid for support & advice. Your husband is abusive. He chooses to behave violently towards you, he's capable of controlling his anger; I don't suppose he puts his hand over his boss's mouth to shut him up, or prevents a colleague from closing the door with his foot.
You must feel very confused & anxious, please keep yourself & your children safe. Don't confront him until you have had advice from Women's Aid & have a safe place to go to.

hi @Needsomeadvice0923 I was married to a man who sounds very similar to your husband - disproportionate verbal aggression in cycles, a couple of instances of physical abuse over our 21 year relationship.

I ended the relationship in November 2022, still thinking he was a good dad, we had had some good times but the good bits did not justify the abusive bits and even (in the back of my head) if he “did the work” we might reconcile.

What I can say is that having now separated (which has been hellish but worth it) he has revealed himself to be a shit dad, a controlling psycho and I was massively glossing over (to myself and others) how abusive and damaging his behaviour was. It is only now, 9 months on, that I am really starting to process it all. I am having therapy, I talk to friends about it (before I very much put on a face for the outside world) and everyone has been fully supportive of my decision to leave - even his friends. Only his family have been awful but that’s no surprise, that’s where he learned all his shitty behaviour.

I think if you opened up to a trusted friend about the reality of his behaviour you would realise how fucked up it is. Just the process of saying it out loud made me realise how bad it was.

Also, two things

(1) people think “if only he’d hit me then I’d leave”. Mine hit me. He had always been physically aggressive (pushing, pinching etc) but actually hitting me around the head and giving me a black eye was an escalation. He went to therapy to deal with his anger issues and I felt hopeful that we had had a break through. We had been together 14 years at that point, married for 6 and had a baby who was just under 1. I stayed and Although things were ok for a while IMO it gave him permission to unleash whenever he liked as long as he didn’t physically hit me again. In his mind he will have thought that actually punching me was the red line but that he was free to scream abuse at me, smash things, throw things at me etc.

(2) For a long time - up until we separated - I thought he was basically a good person with an anger problem. Now I realise he is basically an angry, selfish, abusive person who can mask and pretend to be nice - always to the outside world, and occasionally (when he felt like it) to me. This mindset shift has been so helpful to me in realising I don’t want any sort of ongoing relationship with him (apart from the one I’m forced to have bc of our DC unfortunately)

Thanks, everyone, again for taking the time to comment.

The last day has been quiet and I’ve very definitely been ‘off’. He keeps asking me if I’m ok … I’ve been in avoidance mode and keeping out of his way, so it’s all now in limbo.

I do understand - reading the comments - that I might be in a situation that’s perhaps worse than normal marital arguments, and now understand what I’m maybe dealing with… particularly now that I’ve pieced together lots of things over the years.

How people sort this type of thing out, and the with added complexity of children / mortgage / finances / work / real life etc … just wow. He’s mainly good and the kids adore him. But clearly he can be a total shit at times. I mainly feel very sad.

I’ll sign off for now. Thank you again.

Lots of love @Needsomeadvice0923 - feel free to message me if you think it would be at all. It’s a headfuck.

*at all helpful!

Sorry OP, I'd leave someone for this. His stress is not your fault. My exH started like this and escalated to violence quite a few years into the marriage. I am very concerned for you.

He's probably having an affair

hugs it's hard to process things when your eyes first open to how bad things are as your reality is shifting and your world keeps wobbling. Please continue to look at everything that's happened over the years with fresh eyes, it's "amazing" how much you can kid yourself into thinking everything is okay. And don't forget to contact Women's Aid. They are there to support you even if you aren't ready (mentally, emotionally or financially) to leave yet. Keep posting here too