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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

35 weeks pregnant and husband has left

112 replies

Lou1293 · 28/08/2023 19:30

So I caught my husband last week at another woman’s house, he hasn’t offered an apology/explanation apart from ‘this is over’. I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with our first (very much planned) child. I am devastated - shows you truly never fully know someone.

I am trying to look into what my options are financially and what to do with the house, bills etc. We had arranged to split my occupational maternity pay over 12 months rather than start with full pay for 2 months and then drop down to half for 4. I need to discuss with HR if I can change so it isn’t spread over 12 months.

Looking for advice as to what he will have to pay - we have a mortgage on our home (he has moved out into his parents). I don’t see how I will be able to afford half of the mortgage and all of the bills on my own. I know he’ll have to pay child maintenance and pretty sure he will still have to pay 50% of the mortgage for the foreseeable but will he have to contribute towards the household bills as well?

Thank you 😓

OP posts:
Notaboutthebass · 28/08/2023 20:49

So sorry to hear this. I have no advice but have a hand hold. Do you have support from family and friends? X

Didimum · 28/08/2023 20:53

Speak to a solicitor asap

babyproblems · 28/08/2023 20:55

agree with pp that you really could use advice from a solicitor. I know nothing about these matters but I’m not sure why he would have to pay half the mortgage.. what a twat I’m so sorry you’re going through this and especially when pregnant. Sure they’ll be lots of other mumsnetters along v shortly with good advice xoxoxo

BadHairBae · 28/08/2023 20:59

Jesus.

Speak with a solicitor. How long have you and DH been married? Is he working?

A hand hold is needed here, OP. X

SleepingStandingUp · 28/08/2023 21:08

I'm sorry op, you deserve more.

He's not obliged to pay for the mortgage, imagine if someone on the mortgage became a sahp. They wouldn't be paying. But if it defaults, it impacts you both so I think it's worth having the conversation with him.

Even half tho, can you afford it once you're on mat leave? I'd be telling him that on X date you can't afford to pay any of it and if it defaults, tough.

Original poster
Lou1293 · 28/08/2023 21:10

Thank you everyone - yes have lots of support and his family have also been incredibly supportive since the news came out which is nice. I imagine that may change if it goes (even more) sour with divorce and when money comes into it.

I think he will have to pay jointly towards the mortgage as we are both named on it. He is still working yes, he has a full time job and does a bit of ad hoc work on days off for a local business.

We have been married for 14 months, together for 5 years. I’m inclined to speak to a solicitor but also would prefer to manage things between us if at all possible but think it may be worth just getting some advice now.

OP posts:
Cinnamontoas · 28/08/2023 21:11

Speak to a solicitor and then call your bank, they are still offering the mortgage 'holidays' which might be really helpful to you whilst you're working everything else out

Viviennemary · 28/08/2023 21:14

If the mortgage is in both names and it isn't paid then it will affect his credit rating AFAIK. But you will need to think how will you manage financially over the next 12 months then after that when you return to work. Your outgoings and earnings. Would the house need to be sold. Equity in the house? How awful of him to do this now.

Teeththeethteeth · 28/08/2023 21:14

Hand hold and hug to you.

Agree with PPs and go and see a solicitor asap- one that specialises in finances maybe.
He will have to pay you child maintenance once baby is born but I doubt he will have to pay half the mortgage on top of that - usually CM is it. He won't be obliged to pay any household bills.

Make sure you check any other benefits you may be entitled too as well.

Original poster
Lou1293 · 28/08/2023 21:15

SleepingStandingUp · 28/08/2023 21:08

I'm sorry op, you deserve more.

He's not obliged to pay for the mortgage, imagine if someone on the mortgage became a sahp. They wouldn't be paying. But if it defaults, it impacts you both so I think it's worth having the conversation with him.

Even half tho, can you afford it once you're on mat leave? I'd be telling him that on X date you can't afford to pay any of it and if it defaults, tough.

I don’t think I will have an issue with getting his half of the mortgage - I will be able to afford to pay the rest + bills for 6 months (with child maintenance and VERY tight budgeting) after that it may become difficult but like you say, neither of us will want it to default and have the implications of that.
I really do not want to go back to work after 6 months as I work shifts and do not like the idea of being away from baby for 14 hours, possibly nights, at that age. But may have to 😓

OP posts:
Pebblesandwaves · 28/08/2023 21:18

OP I have no advice but wanted to offer a hand hold, I'm so sorry you are facing this. Do you live close to your parents for practical support as well as emotional?

CocoPlum · 28/08/2023 21:19

I'm so sorry.

Have you got a birth partner in place? A plan for informing him of birth? Care for when you get home? You may need to bring this up with your MW so the delivery suite/ward are aware especially if you don't want him there, and also so they can monitor your mental health.

MsDogLady · 28/08/2023 21:20

My heart goes out to you, @Lou1293. It takes a special kind of low-life scum to cheat on and abandon his very pregnant wife.

Does OW happen to be the new colleague he was messaging last month? He deleted all their chat because you might misinterpret their ‘friendly banter.’

As others have advised, please consult a solicitor to learn your options. Keep posting here for support, @Lou1293. Flowers

Original poster
Lou1293 · 28/08/2023 21:20

Pebblesandwaves · 28/08/2023 21:18

OP I have no advice but wanted to offer a hand hold, I'm so sorry you are facing this. Do you live close to your parents for practical support as well as emotional?

Thank you.

Yes luckily both of our parents live within 10 miles so practical support should be okay in terms of when baby arrives. I have other family/friends who have also offered to come and stay once I have baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lou1293 · 28/08/2023 21:25

CocoPlum · 28/08/2023 21:19

I'm so sorry.

Have you got a birth partner in place? A plan for informing him of birth? Care for when you get home? You may need to bring this up with your MW so the delivery suite/ward are aware especially if you don't want him there, and also so they can monitor your mental health.

I am actually a midwife myself and have spoke to friends/colleagues so I’m not overly worried about birth as I know I will be very well supported by everyone there. Will have a friend and potentially my mum/cousin - undecided at the moment.

He is saying he’d like to be at the birth still - I don’t think I will be comfortable with that but will see how I feel on the day. Trying to be the bigger person and rise above his behaviour and do the right thing by baby.

I have discussed with my community midwife as I am concerned about the impact of this on my MH, particularly once baby arrives. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Lou1293 · 28/08/2023 21:27

MsDogLady · 28/08/2023 21:20

My heart goes out to you, @Lou1293. It takes a special kind of low-life scum to cheat on and abandon his very pregnant wife.

Does OW happen to be the new colleague he was messaging last month? He deleted all their chat because you might misinterpret their ‘friendly banter.’

As others have advised, please consult a solicitor to learn your options. Keep posting here for support, @Lou1293. Flowers

Yes it is her 😓

OP posts:
Biscuitandacuppa · 28/08/2023 21:28

The baby won’t remember who was there when they were born, don’t have him there at the birth if it would make you more stressed.

Dontknowwhatjusthappened · 28/08/2023 21:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

chali7 · 28/08/2023 21:30

Sorry that this has happened OP. This also happened to me almost 10 years ago. I too was around 35weeks pregnant. While it didn't feel like it at the time, it really was the best thing to happen to my child and I. Really glad to see you have lots of support around you. Best wishes to you and your lovely baby x

Anothenamechange · 28/08/2023 21:30

Would you really be comfortable giving birth with him in the room after what he's done? If so, you are a bigger person than me, I wouldn't let him within a mile and I think my fanny would clamp shut in sheer outrage. I am so very sorry this has happened to you, your world must be totally rocked. Big handhold x

Whattodo112222 · 28/08/2023 21:31

No advice OP but big handhold and hug. You deserve so much better than this low life.

Focus on you and your baby now.

caerdydd12 · 28/08/2023 21:33

Lou1293 · 28/08/2023 21:25

I am actually a midwife myself and have spoke to friends/colleagues so I’m not overly worried about birth as I know I will be very well supported by everyone there. Will have a friend and potentially my mum/cousin - undecided at the moment.

He is saying he’d like to be at the birth still - I don’t think I will be comfortable with that but will see how I feel on the day. Trying to be the bigger person and rise above his behaviour and do the right thing by baby.

I have discussed with my community midwife as I am concerned about the impact of this on my MH, particularly once baby arrives. X

Show quote history

Birthing partners are there to do right by the mother, not the baby. You absolutely don't have to have him in the room, I certainly couldn't.

Nanny0gg · 28/08/2023 21:36

Lou1293 · 28/08/2023 21:25

I am actually a midwife myself and have spoke to friends/colleagues so I’m not overly worried about birth as I know I will be very well supported by everyone there. Will have a friend and potentially my mum/cousin - undecided at the moment.

He is saying he’d like to be at the birth still - I don’t think I will be comfortable with that but will see how I feel on the day. Trying to be the bigger person and rise above his behaviour and do the right thing by baby.

I have discussed with my community midwife as I am concerned about the impact of this on my MH, particularly once baby arrives. X

Show quote history

Your baby won't know who's there. The only important person is you and whoever you choose for support.

He's forfeited that right.

accountsettings · 28/08/2023 21:36

Happened to me too

See if you can get a trusted friend/colleague/yourself to ask around anyone recently divorced for a recommendation
and see if you can get an initial consultation - so much is done online that being local is not as important anymore

This also happened to me a few years ago, it’s good you have so much support

It is imperative to get a financial separation early in case his circumstances change especially when an OW involved

sparklelikeadiamond · 28/08/2023 21:36

So sorry this has happened. Don’t have him at the birth. He isn’t the right person to support you.