35 weeks pregnant and husband has left

[Lou1293]

So I caught my husband last week at another woman’s house, he hasn’t offered an apology/explanation apart from ‘this is over’. I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with our first (very much planned) child. I am devastated - shows you truly never fully know someone.

I am trying to look into what my options are financially and what to do with the house, bills etc. We had arranged to split my occupational maternity pay over 12 months rather than start with full pay for 2 months and then drop down to half for 4. I need to discuss with HR if I can change so it isn’t spread over 12 months.

Looking for advice as to what he will have to pay - we have a mortgage on our home (he has moved out into his parents). I don’t see how I will be able to afford half of the mortgage and all of the bills on my own. I know he’ll have to pay child maintenance and pretty sure he will still have to pay 50% of the mortgage for the foreseeable but will he have to contribute towards the household bills as well?

Thank you 😓

I agree that your husband is an arse. I also agree, that you need people to support YOU when baby is born. Your 'husband' does not need to be there. I speak from experience when I say please look after your own mental health.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s very positive that you have so much support from both your families as well as friends and colleagues. That is a blessing.

It may well be that you can work out finances between you, but I would still be getting initial advice from someone who will make sure you get the best deal and tell you what your rights are and what you are entitled to.

Unless you particularly want him at the birth, do not agree. As others have said, he has forefeited any right to the privilege of seeing his child being born. Put your professional hat to one side and only do what feels right for you.

i can only imagine the shock and utter disbelief and every other emotion you might be feeling at the moment, but you will get through this. There are lot of people to care for you and support you ✊🏻.

Oh what a shit I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I found out my husband had an affair when my DC was 18 months but it started when I was 8 months pregnant. I cannot believe anyone would betray someone who is carrying their child! Have you looked into Universal Credit whilst on maternity? If he doesn’t pay half the mortgage then make sure you get a valuation because if you sell in the future then he can only claim up to that value. Also if getting a divorce you don’t have to do 50/50 split because you are raising the child so get legal advice.

So very sorry you’re going through this - don’t have him at the birth, it needs to all be about what’s best for you, your MH and your baby

Sorry you are going through this OP.

I believe you will be entitled to UC and not expected to look for work until your child is 1. I assume this is the same as if you already have a job.
So perhaps it would be worth keeping your maternity pay spread across 12 months and not have to worry about rushing back to work so quickly.

You can do an online calculator to try and work out what the best way to do it is (you may have to put it in as earnings).

Some people say the calculators are reliable but I find they can be wrong (mine says I’m entitled to £200 more than I actually am).
But if you put in the full amount of maternity pay vs no income (after the maternity pay has run out) vs the amount you’d get if you spread it over 12 months, you’ll get a rough idea of which one is the best option.

Try to stay in the house if you can.

You have a new life coming in every sense. It will be awesome without him.

The only reason to have him at the birth is if you want him there. That would be the case if you were still together, it's certainly the case now. It's of no benefit to your baby unless it's helping you.

See a solicitor for advice. You don't have to use them for the divorce, you can still do it between yourselves. But it's important to know what you should should be considering and what a court would be likely to grant when you start negotiating.

Try and be kind to yourself. It sounds like you're pretty practically minded which is a real boon in these sorts of situations, but sometimes you lose track of the need to process emotionally and find it hits you hard just when you think you've got things squared away.

It's hard to go through but as is often demonstrated on here - you'll come out the other side better off without him. Wishing you all the best for the birth and the new future you're going to make for yourself and the baby.

What a terrible thing he has done. Please have someone who will support YOU at the birth...that is not him.

Although you think he will be fair, it will all change, prepare yourself.
It’s ridiculous that we share our lives and selves with someone, and they apparently switch off their care for us in an instant. But they do.

Protect yourself and baby.
Seek legal advice.
Prepare yourself for his new narrative and his families too.

You and your baby are the most important people in all of this.

He is only interested in himself. Remember this point

He’s liable for the mortgage in the same way you are but could choose to default. He’s also likely to force a sale. And there’s a risk he will return.

I would assume house is being sold.

You can go to CSA website which will give you idea longer term what you’re likely to get from him maintenance wise.

I am so sorry to read this and 35w is already such a tough time. But now is the time to be practical - seek advice from the bank, talk to a solicitor, get in touch with any further support you think you'll need and start the talk if there's divorce on the cards. You'll be entitled to more financial support if you are classed as single parent. It is also up to you how much you want him involved in child's life, whether you want him at birth or not (I wouldn't but that's me) and get advice on what his legal rights to the child are. It will be important in the future (if you move place, if you travel to a foreign country etc.). I am sure this is all overwhelming but speak to professionals who will be able to guide you through the loops. You are stronger than you think and you'll be fine on your own. He'll likely regret it later but that's for him to work on. You think about yourself and your child.

What an utter shit he is. The cheek of him saying he’d like to be at the birth. How fucking dare he. He can absolutely fuck off. The best interests of your baby are for you to be calm and loved and supported at the birth. Your mum or your most caring, supportive friend would be good options. Sending you care and strength. You’ll have a wonderful life when all the dust settles.

The OW though, honestly what goes through their heads?? I had the same thing happen to me. He bugged off half way through the labour because his mum turned up but I love her anyway so no biggie. But I did have him there for the birth as he was at my first child and I wanted them to both know he was there.

I’ve been reading your historical MN posts OP, and I just want to say how sorry I am about your current situation, but that you are WELL RID of your truly awful husband!

From his previous attempts to have an affair because you’re “not fun”, to actively pushing you to have a pregnancy termination when you didn’t want to do it, to being in the police (sorry, but I have a massive bias against men in the police force. I have experience with lots of them and almost all have been horrible philandering, cheating, lying, pseudo-alpha males). It seems to have been a really miserable relationship for you at times, but he is now hopefully taking that misery out the door with him, and you will be getting the most amazing joyful thing in his place: your lovely baby.

It must feel horrendous right now, and tough times to come once baby is born, but so great that you have so much support nearby. I hope you can eventually see him for the terrible man he is and that you are so much better off without him.

wishing you huge amounts of luck and future happiness.

Sorry no advice, but if that were my son, he would not be welcome to come back home and stay here. Are his parents aware that you caught him out? They should be offering you support too.

He wants to be at the birth?!. Why exactly?. Disrespectful bastard. Massive hand hold for you and your lovely wee baby. Stay strong. We, re all rooting for you. 💐.

Hi @Lou1293

I am so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I read your previous post and I can imagine you must feel absolutely devastated. Just wanted to send you a hug and if you’re not keen on a solicitor then please DM me. I have the contact of a formidable McKenzie friend who is legally trained and can provide some great advice. You can WhatsApp her and she’ll take it from there. Initial advice is free of charge and she’s only a fraction of what a solicitor will cost. She’s been a lifesaver for me in my divorce and child arrangement order agreements.

To have him at the birth could even be detrimental to the baby - if you're stressed, birth won't be as easy (as you know, being a MW).

So put yourself and your baby first. He has absolutely no right to be there and the fact that he asked just adds to his dick-head-ness

This x 100

Mortgage - he's not obliged to pay. The mtg company don't care where it comes from as long as they get it.

Obviously, if there are missed payments, it'll affect both of you so he may choose to pay it/some of it to avoid his credit score being ruined but that depends on him.

DH's ex wife never paid a penny after leaving, dragged out the sale as long as possible, had to be pushed by the courts in the end, and still got her half despite not contributing a penny for 2.5 years.

All he'll be obliged to pay is child maintenance so get that set up as soon as baby arrives.

My heart goes out to you. Your husband is a repulsive individual. I really hope you don’t allow him to be present at the birth. He has surely forfeited that right. I hope all goes well for you and your little one when he or she arrives 🤗

Just want to say thank you everyone for the replies - I’m a bit overwhelmed by all of your support. In hindsight this relationship/marriage has probably be doomed for a long time. Funny what love can make you ignore and pretend not to see isn’t it?

Thank you for all of the advice so far - really really appreciated xx

I'm so sorry, but be thankful you've found this out now before your baby will know any different. He's not going to have the opportunity to break her/his little heart. Absolute scum bag he is. As pp said, don't feel you have to let him anywhere near your birth. Arsehole.

So sorry you're going through this. It sounds as though you're looking for practical rather than emotional advice so mine is to find ten minutes to contact Gingerbread, the single parents charity. They have a helpline here
https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/talk-to-us/
where they can advise on benefits, money and other financial aspects of single parenting. You might also find the forums there of use when or if you feel like talking to other single parents. It might not be on your radar yet though so tuck it away for later.

I really hope you can enjoy some quality time when baby arrives. My heart is a little broken for you just now but you do sound rather strong so I am rooting for you. I had my DD alone and the best advice I got was to say yes to offers of help. It served me well. Wishing you well too x

Hi there,

My ex fiancé did this to me the night before my 34 week scan for our planned and wanted (his idea even) baby and blamed me for it. You can ask me anything- my gorgeous baby is now 6 months and I am coping!

Your main question here is financial- you're married so should have good protection. Get advice from a solicitor but no need to tell him
You've done so- just to have a ball park of what you're entitled to. My ex is giving me
12% of his pre tax salary you should get more as you are married.

Please get yourself some counselling. The hormone crash when baby arrives is something else and I felt like I was coping before then, then the first few weeks I was so distraught we weren't a family and I went to such a low place. Gp/iapt will prioritize you.

You also mention having him at the birth and feeling you should be 'the bigger person' to allow him there. Absolutely not. Whatever your delivery (I had c section) you need to be surrounded by peace calm kindness and love and having someone who has hurt you so deeply around will be traumatic - you won't be able to cry to or lean on him.

I told my ex I'd call him to meet the baby when I felt ready and I did on day 2 - an endorphin high- I'd been advised that days 4-10 and a big crash (and they were a hormonal mess of crying and mastisis etc) so I got it 'out of the way' while I could. Definitley line up friends or family to move in and make it clear to ex that he will be told if and even he's welcome for first few weeks depending on how you're doing , before you can commit to a more formal visiting schedule.

See my post 'my ex dp burnt my baby' and 'aibu for reducing contact with ex mil' for more details on how coparenting a baby is going If you're interested!

Focus on the next couple of weeks at a time now and don't let him pressure you into any decisions. Set boundaries. Moon after yourself only please try to be as selfish as you can be. Get a pregnancy massage and have friends over every night if you can.

What ever is going on with the ex, nothing can prepare you for how magical that moment is when you meet your scrumptious new baby, he or she is going to love you so much and you're going to be a fab mum xxx