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Original poster

35 weeks pregnant and husband has left

112 replies

Lou1293 · 28/08/2023 19:30

So I caught my husband last week at another woman’s house, he hasn’t offered an apology/explanation apart from ‘this is over’. I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with our first (very much planned) child. I am devastated - shows you truly never fully know someone.

I am trying to look into what my options are financially and what to do with the house, bills etc. We had arranged to split my occupational maternity pay over 12 months rather than start with full pay for 2 months and then drop down to half for 4. I need to discuss with HR if I can change so it isn’t spread over 12 months.

Looking for advice as to what he will have to pay - we have a mortgage on our home (he has moved out into his parents). I don’t see how I will be able to afford half of the mortgage and all of the bills on my own. I know he’ll have to pay child maintenance and pretty sure he will still have to pay 50% of the mortgage for the foreseeable but will he have to contribute towards the household bills as well?

Thank you 😓

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 28/08/2023 21:41

Well, so far he has proven to be a shit father. He has cheated and actively caused you tremendous stress, which shows callous disregard for your and the baby’s health and well-being. I would absolutely not have him at the birth.

CocoPlum · 28/08/2023 21:42

Don't have him at the birth. It is about you. As a MW, you know how important it is for your expectant mothers to feel calm and supported.

I'm glad you have support but do bear in mind that it can be so very different when you have your own. I support new mothers with BF - we've had lots of MWs visit us as "clients" and they often tell us that they now have a completely different perspective to go back to practice with!

Re going back to work, could you consider asking now to go back on a community team doing days rather than hospital work?

VaccineSticker · 28/08/2023 21:43

I would not let him in the birthing room. He can f right off somewhere else!! How cheeky of him!
I’m sorry this has happened to you x

Original poster
Lou1293 · 28/08/2023 21:45

CocoPlum · 28/08/2023 21:42

Don't have him at the birth. It is about you. As a MW, you know how important it is for your expectant mothers to feel calm and supported.

I'm glad you have support but do bear in mind that it can be so very different when you have your own. I support new mothers with BF - we've had lots of MWs visit us as "clients" and they often tell us that they now have a completely different perspective to go back to practice with!

Re going back to work, could you consider asking now to go back on a community team doing days rather than hospital work?

Yeah I definitely need to try and switch off my MW brain and just be a woman and new mother.

Community is definitely something I have been thinking about - although I would lose quite a bit of money in shift enhancements and would have to do more hours. Need to look into this in more detail a bit later down the line. Thank you though x

OP posts:
Muststopeating · 28/08/2023 21:45

I'm just here to say what an utter utter twat!

Bur also that mortgage holidays were a thing long before the cost of living crisis and were available (though not advertised) for exactly things like maternity leave. So it may be worth having a chat with your provider if it allows longer than 6 months maternity.

(All the better if you can get a holiday without telling the twat and keep his half (if he pays it) towards future payments).

Please don't let him in the room when you give birth. It is potentially the most vulnerable you will ever be and the twat doesn't deserve to be part of the magical moment when you hold your baby for the first time.

I'm sorry OP! Noone deserves to be treated like this!

TomatoSandwiches · 28/08/2023 21:45

Don't let him be their during your most vulnerable moment, the baby won't know or care if he is there but it may affect your birth.
He doesn't get privileges regarding your body anymore, he can like to be at the birth all he wants, I'd tell him you'd have liked him to remain faithful but we don't get what we want unfortunately.
Good luck op and I wish you the best.

Stressybessyboo · 28/08/2023 21:46

I'm so sorry for you, what a tough situation. I don't really have any advice to offer more than what PP's have but I just wanted to wish you the best of luck.

Probably not a good idea to have him at the birth, the emotions you experience seeing him are not going to benefit your birth experience.

Have his parents made contact with you at all? Are they aware of what's happened?

Original poster
Lou1293 · 28/08/2023 21:48

Stressybessyboo · 28/08/2023 21:46

I'm so sorry for you, what a tough situation. I don't really have any advice to offer more than what PP's have but I just wanted to wish you the best of luck.

Probably not a good idea to have him at the birth, the emotions you experience seeing him are not going to benefit your birth experience.

Have his parents made contact with you at all? Are they aware of what's happened?

Yes, I’ve seen his parents and sister. They are all in total shock and incredibly upset by his actions too. They are offering support and have been in regular contact since x

OP posts:
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 28/08/2023 21:49

Just popping on to say how sorry I am that this waste of space has done this to you.

Have a handhold from me.

i’d look into mortgage holidays and community midwife work (friend was a midwife in UK and did this).

If you’re not happy with him being at the birth then yes don’t allow him there. He doesn’t get a say in this after he’s cheated on you and walked out.

Escapetofrance · 28/08/2023 21:51

What an absolute arse of a man.
You sound amazingly calm and together. Take all the support you can get from your family and friends. You’re in charge. You will be ok. Baby steps-literally.

accountsettings · 28/08/2023 21:51

Be a bit careful of in laws as blood is thicker than water and from experience, they can change

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/08/2023 21:52

I’m so sorry he’s done this to you. Sad No way on earth should he be at the birth. You know, you’re incredibly vulnerable at this time and he doesn’t have any right to be around you. I’m sure in your profession you know a lot about PND so you need to be really selfish for you and the baby’s sake... happy mum, happy baby.

House4DS · 28/08/2023 21:52

Check www.entitledto.co.uk to see if you might be eligible for universal credit once the baby is born.
Apply for child benefit when the baby is born.
Apply for the single adult council tax discount right now.
Longer term you could discuss extending the period of your mortgage with the bank to reduce the monthly payments.
Good luck.

Benefits Calculator - entitledto - independent | accurate | reliable | www.entitledto.co.uk

Check what benefit entitlement you are entitled to. The entitledto benefits calculator will check which means-tested benefits you may be entitled to e.g. tax credits, universal credit, housing benefit …

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ReadyForSomethingSimple · 28/08/2023 21:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 28/08/2023 21:53

Lou1293 · 28/08/2023 21:48

Yes, I’ve seen his parents and sister. They are all in total shock and incredibly upset by his actions too. They are offering support and have been in regular contact since x

Show quote history

That’s nice if his family. For what it’s worth I’ve known of similar stories where the husband has cheated and left the wife and though your husband may paint it as not all his fault I’ve known the in laws (husbands relatives) be surprisingly supportive to the wife. Bear in mind it’s their grandchild, niece/nephew so they’ll want to keep a good relationship to allow for contact. I’ve known families love their son but disliked his behaviour towards the wife he cheated on.

This is all on him, not you. If he had any doubts about your relationship he should’ve addressed them before you started trying for a baby in my opinion.

EbiRaisukaree · 28/08/2023 21:55

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

You need to start your own thread. People will not see your post among the replies to the original poster.

The topic you raised has been covered a number of times recently, so you might get some quick answers by searching relevant terms. Good luck.

TomatoSandwiches · 28/08/2023 21:55

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

You need to make your own thread, you've posted on someone else's.

PrincessOfTigger · 28/08/2023 21:58

So sorry he’s done this to you 😞 what a selfish git

Agree with previous posters - baby does not need dad there. They won’t remember and he’ll just be in the way while you’re vulnerable. Ask people you trust or even use a doula.

Ap42 · 28/08/2023 22:06

Oh bless you, what a shitty situation.

Have you looked at benefits you can claim? Have a look on entitled to website and it will break it all down. Also not sure what you were planning after mat leave, but as a nurse too I found working part time and having universal credit top up not a lot less than a full time wage.

ReadyForSomethingSimple · 28/08/2023 22:08

Apologies, didn't realise I'd posted in an existing thread.... Just joined. Will look further

Zanatdy · 28/08/2023 22:11

Definitely speak to a solicitor. He won’t be forced to pay the mortgage, my brothers wife left and didn’t pay the mortgage for 2yrs but when it was sold she still got half. Even though you’re named on it, you’re not forced to pay

Upwiththelark76 · 28/08/2023 22:12

Just want to say what an amazing human you are. You sound like you are holding it all together- how I dont know!

TheSquareMile · 28/08/2023 22:16

Gosh, I feel very sorry for you, that is just awful.

I would advise you to make contact with a suitable solicitor tomorrow.

One of the things which will help you get through this difficult time will be the knowledge that you, as people say, have your ducks in a row. Don't wait.

Sending you warmth and strength.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

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https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk

YukoandHiro · 28/08/2023 22:17

No advice on separation but just to say re: the birth, you should feel absolutely no need to be the "bigger person" at all. All that matters at birth is you and your baby, and you feeling comfortable enough to relax and let your body do the work.
Do not have him there, especially if your gut is saying no. His presence will be a block to a calm delivery, and may interfere with your bonding experience too.
Fuck him. He left you when you're vulnerable, and actions have consequences. He misses his child's birth. Serves him bloody well right.

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 28/08/2023 22:21

So sorry OP what at an utter arsehole

With regards him paying the mortgage it's a joint mortgage - there is no legal duty for forcing him to continue to pay when he isn't living there. My ex husband left with no warning after 10 years and with baby twins - he stopped paying his share of the mortgage within 1 month and there was zero I could do. You'll need to start getting a plan in place - unfortunately your maternity plans will
No longer be what you expected and returning to work earlier is something you may have to come to terms with so worth exploring childcare options now

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