35 weeks pregnant and husband has left

[Lou1293]

So I caught my husband last week at another woman’s house, he hasn’t offered an apology/explanation apart from ‘this is over’. I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with our first (very much planned) child. I am devastated - shows you truly never fully know someone.

I am trying to look into what my options are financially and what to do with the house, bills etc. We had arranged to split my occupational maternity pay over 12 months rather than start with full pay for 2 months and then drop down to half for 4. I need to discuss with HR if I can change so it isn’t spread over 12 months.

Looking for advice as to what he will have to pay - we have a mortgage on our home (he has moved out into his parents). I don’t see how I will be able to afford half of the mortgage and all of the bills on my own. I know he’ll have to pay child maintenance and pretty sure he will still have to pay 50% of the mortgage for the foreseeable but will he have to contribute towards the household bills as well?

Thank you 😓

I've just read through your other threads OP. What an awful man he is. He is clearly extremely self centered and in need of constant ego massages. He can't be a very happy individual to act this way. It's pretty messed up. Also hideous that another woman would get involved with someone whose wife was 35 weeks pregnant.

You sound like a very nice person and I'm sure that, with the help of family and friends, you will do a great job of bringing up your baby.

I appreciate that you want to do the best by your baby and it is very admirable that you are even considering him being present at the birth. However, I would suggest that doing the best by your baby actually entails putting your own needs above others and taking care of yourself. I would not have him at the birth. Besides which your relatives are likely to be far less forgiving than you and the atmosphere would be awful. I wonder whether part of you still wants him there because you are still clinging onto the dream of that beautiful shared moment that you had been thinking of for a long time. Please don't take him back, even out of desperation when caring for your baby. It will do you no good. Instead imagine the scenario of a better future with a proper man. One who steps up to the mark, cares for you, respects you and wishes to create a new family unit with you. There will be others out there. You deserve so much better than this lousy excuse of a man.

He has done nothing to take into consideration your feelings or vulnerability. He has put you in an extremely difficult place. Please stop being so considerate of him.

I really hope that the NHS are able to help you find a role in time which can work for you.

Wishing you all the best.

I am truly truly so sorry OP. What a complete twat and how awful to do this during your pregnancy.

Having him there won’t make you the bigger person, but it could elevate your stress levels and put you and baby at risk of harm. Not saying that to be unkind to you, but as a MW you know more than most of us how important that support system is. He doesn’t get to walk out on you when you need support now and cause you stress in labor and get to be there for the ‘fun parts’ of meeting baby, taking photos etc.

This is YOUR birth, your first meeting with your child. Please please protect it! Protect your sanctum and your mental health. Create a positive first meeting with your child. These will all help guard against pnd which he’s already put you at increased risk of and so for your health if nothing else, that scumbag needs to be out of the room whilst you’re vulnerable and emotional.

I am truly so sorry for the pain you are in.

The right thing for the baby is the right thing for you to feel safe and supported and able to care for your baby. I’d expect that means he’s not at the birth and you invite him to visit when you’re ready which is quite possibly not day 1 (sensible advice from a pp on not waiting for the crash though!) then it’s whatever works for you- it might be he can visit between 6&8 several nights a week IF he brings dinner, nappies and wipes. Baby just needs you, you’re the one caring for them 24 hours a day.

I'm paying a joint mortgage for the last ten years so make this a priority to deal with before the baby comes x

I'm so sorry.

Re the birth - his presence will be distressing, emotionally painful for you. Feeling sadness and anger with him close by at such an intense time could be bad for the baby as well as for you.

Get the message that he will not be present out there to him and his family now, so they understand your position. Ensure your birth team know your requirements so they can stand up for you. And tell your own family - will your mum be with you? You need your army about you.

Personally I'd be making a statement on my social media, like a press release, so everyone KNOWS what he has done. This will not of course be everyone's cup of tea!

Re solicitors - GET ONE. I'd bet my lunch he has. You may think / want it to be amicable but he may interpret this as you not wanting to make a fuss, and giving in to everything. You have rights and he has responsibilities you may not be aware of - part of a solicitors job will be to ensure you understand and receive them.

And when the baby's born I'd be going solo to register them, in your family name, not his.

This baby won't bring him back. He's shown you what he is - believe him.

@Lou1293 Im so so sorry to read your post.
What an AH.

Ihope you and baby are both OK x

Do you have legal cover on your house insurance? If so use the helpline it's free. You could also consult a solicitor free too. But you def need legal advice now pls don't try to do this yourself.

I believe mortgages are jointly and severally liable. My ex stopped paying, I continued. We both split the deficit! Council tax is the same but you can now at least drop to single person, though that's not 50% :(

He will need to pay child maintenance CPS will advise how much. Pls make sure child care is included in your costs.

Pls make sure you consider income and benefits. EG you may be better off going part time, but check this out. Having a mortgage doesn't mean this will be paid even if its cheaper than rent...!

Good luck x

What a lovely comment here. This is great.

Wishing you both, & your babies, a fabulous future without shitbag partners around all the time.

He's a heartless bastard. I'd not let him come back except to collect his stuff and I'd not tell him when I went into labour or gave birth. I'd spend the first few days bonding with the baby. Let your Mum support you and be with you when you give birth. Your husband has lost his chance. I hope he continues to pay half the mortgage but don't count on it. He's a scum and clearly doesn't have your well being at heart or even his unborn baby. Contact council tax and get 25 percent reduction. Check out UC entitlement. I'm not sure if you'd get it before the baby was born but you should get it once the baby is born. Think about childcare options because you might need to go back to work sooner than a year now. I really hope you don't let him upset you any more than he already has. Look forward to your baby.

i just don’t understand some people. How do some partners just act like this towards their partners. Too many like this. Just thought I post some support/advice in case it might help. If things are tight money wise - take advantage of solicitors free hours. Have a list of questions ready that you want to know the answer to and ask them so you use the time wisely. Join a bunch of Facebook divorce groups too - I found them really helpful as you feel less alone but there are a lot of people who can provide good answers to any questions you might have. They’re really good. Also see if this might help - http://iamlip.com/ it’s a bunch of free help guides that can guide you through the divorce/separation process. It saved me a lot because I couldn’t afford a solicitor, although my friend used this alongside a solicitor to save money by doing some of it herself e.g. forms. I’m really glad you posted this because you deserve better and you’re hearing it from everyone else here. He doesn’t deserve you and by taking the steps now to leave will do the world of good to both you and your child. Focus on your child and have a happy life with them once they’re here. Hope this can help xxx

What a wanker. I think you need to get an STI test ASAP. I wouldn't have him at the birth. You need someone who you trust to support you. Someone who is there to advocate for you. Also, be mindful that as your husband he can register and name the baby without you. Make sure you do it quickly. Think about what surname you want your child to have considering you'll be divorcing.

It really takes a special kind of scumbag to do something like this. Unbelievable.

I'm so glad you have great family support. On both sides.

Sending you a huge hug. Just know you will be absolutely bloody FINE and everything will come out in the wash.

We're always here for support xxx

@Lou1293

One of the most important things for you right now is calm. And one of the best ways to encourage that calm is to get information. See a solicitor now because there is nothing more stressful than 'not knowing'. Seeing a solicitor and educating yourself on what divorce might mean for you doesn't mean you're going to do anything until you're good and ready to. But it can mean answered questions and concrete information and getting rid of 'what ifs' and 'blue sky' thinking. It will give you some ground to stand on as you navigate your new reality.

As far as him being at the birth, it is a privilege for anyone, even the father, to witness one of the most profound experiences in a woman's life. In my mind he lost that privilege when he violated your trust and your marriage vows. You don't have to be the 'bigger person' because he has made himself into a small, small man. Surround yourself with those who care for you and in whom you can put your trust and faith.

You'll get through this. Trust in yourself, in those who love you and you will be fine.

Baby won't know or care who is at the birth other than you, OP.

Tell him to get to fuck; he won't be welcome when you're at your most vulnerable.

Yes to child maintenance but not sure where you got the have to pay 50% mortgage from

Time to be ruthless about your and the baby 's needs. Don't have him at the birth. You need to be surrounded by people you trust. Get steel trap legal advice. He may try to take advantage of you when you are blissed out/ sleep deprived after the birth. Get someone else to negotiate on your behalf if necessary.

A man you aren't in a relationship with doesn't get to be present to watch an intimate personal procedure.

He isn't supporting you. The birth partner is there to support you.

He has no right to ask to be in the room!

OP please do not believe he will pay any or even half of the mortgage, he won’t, he is not legally obligated to either. If he is paying right now it will happen for a really short time and then it will stop if he is genuinely leaving you. Expect him to resemble none of what you knew of him as a husband, he will be unrecognisable and nasty. The bills he will not pay, he will remove his name from them, he is no longer living there.

Urgently get to a solicitor and get him bound by a legal document to pay half the mortgage and bills while you can before it is too late.

Do not have him at the birth and definitely do not name him on the birth certificate. You need to think long term.

Only be thinking of you and the little one arriving. And you are right, his family will turn when it comes to the division of money and contact once baby arrives.

Nothing I can write will bring any comfort with how you are undoubtedly feeling. My heart goes out to you, you know you deserve a man with better values. Take control of this situation, he has screwed his family and future for the sake of this colleague, what a fool!

Im so sorry 😞 He has no right to be at the birth dont let him guilt trip you into it as you may regret it forever. All the best with the newborn x

Do not attempt to handle financial matters on your own with this man who has shown himself to be completely selfish and completely untrustworthy.

Get a solicitor ASAP.

Under no circumstances should you put this man's name on the birth cert of your baby.

Do not have him at the birth.

His presence could seriously affect your progress in labour. He probably feels it's some sort of performance he has a right to witness. He has some cheek even suggesting he would be there in these circumstances. Tell him he can fuck right off.

You really need a solicitor.

You're married; which is a plus, but it's been a short marriage legally speaking and I would put money on him getting legal advice and them suggesting that, due to the length of the marriage, the fairest thing to do is to return everyone to the position they were in pre-marriage. You need advice on whether that is a good thing for you; and what happens now you've got a child.

Contractually; you are both liable for the mortgage; but legally unless you get a court order stating that he needs to pay, he does not. Depending on his future plans, he may decide he doesn't care about it defaulting. Plenty of people allow their mortgages to default. It's unlikely he'll have to pay any household bills, and getting spousal support for a 14-month marriage would be highly unlikely.

Get advice now, so you know what your best, worst and most likely cases are; and then get benefits advice, too. Have everything worked out for when your child arrives. Don't promise him anything. As a midwife; you know how important it is that you're in a good headspace when you're in labour.

Plus, remember he's known about this for a LOT longer than you, and may well already have made his plan.

Just another voice to add he’s a shit and absolutely no fucking way do you have him at the birth! You know how much you need calm/oxytocin etc and him arriving would stall your labour completely!

Don’t worry about giving baby his surname either. If you would like to change it if you’re thinking of changing yours then that’s ok too.

mom glad his family can see what he’s like, but be prepared that they might pull back/defend him and that’s not saying they agree but they’ll stick with family

Those saying not to put his name on the birth certificate are giving you wrong advice OP if you think this then prevents him from having parental responsibility

You are married - and will be at the time of the birth given the dates therefore he automatically acquires parental responsibility - he could even register the birth without you even being there