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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

35 weeks pregnant and husband has left

112 replies

Lou1293 · 28/08/2023 19:30

So I caught my husband last week at another woman’s house, he hasn’t offered an apology/explanation apart from ‘this is over’. I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with our first (very much planned) child. I am devastated - shows you truly never fully know someone.

I am trying to look into what my options are financially and what to do with the house, bills etc. We had arranged to split my occupational maternity pay over 12 months rather than start with full pay for 2 months and then drop down to half for 4. I need to discuss with HR if I can change so it isn’t spread over 12 months.

Looking for advice as to what he will have to pay - we have a mortgage on our home (he has moved out into his parents). I don’t see how I will be able to afford half of the mortgage and all of the bills on my own. I know he’ll have to pay child maintenance and pretty sure he will still have to pay 50% of the mortgage for the foreseeable but will he have to contribute towards the household bills as well?

Thank you 😓

OP posts:
wejammin · 29/08/2023 20:09

Sorry this has happened to you OP, I'm a family solicitor (not finances though) and although I know you say I would recommend getting legal advice, I've seen someone mention he's in the police and I know from hearing colleagues talk in the office that he will probably want to protect his pension so you could get a good financial settlement, but equally if you have a good NHS pension you may want to protect yours from him.
This is all detail for another time, but just something to think about if you do go to a solicitor.

Rightioohh · 29/08/2023 20:49

@Unexpectedlysinglemum
Love this.
You’re both inspirational women.
Wishing both you and op and your lovely children much happiness

mycoffeecup · 29/08/2023 20:51

Lou1293 · 28/08/2023 21:10

Thank you everyone - yes have lots of support and his family have also been incredibly supportive since the news came out which is nice. I imagine that may change if it goes (even more) sour with divorce and when money comes into it.

I think he will have to pay jointly towards the mortgage as we are both named on it. He is still working yes, he has a full time job and does a bit of ad hoc work on days off for a local business.

We have been married for 14 months, together for 5 years. I’m inclined to speak to a solicitor but also would prefer to manage things between us if at all possible but think it may be worth just getting some advice now.

You definitely need a solicitor, one who will rip into him. Not someone who is ever so reasonable.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/08/2023 21:19

@MindfulBear @Rightioohh thank you 🩷

D0RA · 29/08/2023 21:22

I have been in a similar situation to you Op and this is my advice. Please learn from my mistakes .

  1. see a lawyer straight away . You don’t have to tell your husband you’ve done this .
  2. Don’t assume it will be amicable or that you can make it so by doing what he wants and being nice.
  3. assume he will pay nothing towards the house and plan accordingly
  4. apply today for single adult discount on your council tax
  5. take all the money out of all joint bank accounts and pay into an account in your name IN ANOTHER BANK . Ignore people who tell you you can only take half - they are wrong as I know to my costs - my husband took everything just before he left and I still don’t have a penny back - that was more than 2 years ago. you might have to pay some back in the divorce but you will need it now .
  6. put in a claim to Child maintenance service as soon as your baby is born. If he decides not to pay child support it can take them a year to get the police to take it out his salary.
  7. photograph every financial piece of paper you can find before he takes it.
  8. register the baby’s birth yourself .give baby your choice of first and middle name and YOUR surname not his . As long as you take your marriage certificate with you , he will still go down as the father. I promise you that you will regret it if you give baby his surname. Names have no effect on child support or legal responsibility and it will make it easier for you and baby .
  9. as everyone else said, don't have him at the birth or let him visit you at the hospital
  10. let him see baby when you are home but have another family member there with you, don’t be alone with him.
D0RA · 29/08/2023 21:24

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 29/08/2023 19:57

Those saying not to put his name on the birth certificate are giving you wrong advice OP if you think this then prevents him from having parental responsibility

You are married - and will be at the time of the birth given the dates therefore he automatically acquires parental responsibility - he could even register the birth without you even being there

Yes he can. As long as he has the document that the Op will be give by the hospital when she is discharged.

but she does need to register the birth as soon as she gets home, ideally before he sees baby and before he starts to kick up a fuss about it .

endofthelinefinally · 29/08/2023 21:29

D0RA · 29/08/2023 21:22

I have been in a similar situation to you Op and this is my advice. Please learn from my mistakes .

  1. see a lawyer straight away . You don’t have to tell your husband you’ve done this .
  2. Don’t assume it will be amicable or that you can make it so by doing what he wants and being nice.
  3. assume he will pay nothing towards the house and plan accordingly
  4. apply today for single adult discount on your council tax
  5. take all the money out of all joint bank accounts and pay into an account in your name IN ANOTHER BANK . Ignore people who tell you you can only take half - they are wrong as I know to my costs - my husband took everything just before he left and I still don’t have a penny back - that was more than 2 years ago. you might have to pay some back in the divorce but you will need it now .
  6. put in a claim to Child maintenance service as soon as your baby is born. If he decides not to pay child support it can take them a year to get the police to take it out his salary.
  7. photograph every financial piece of paper you can find before he takes it.
  8. register the baby’s birth yourself .give baby your choice of first and middle name and YOUR surname not his . As long as you take your marriage certificate with you , he will still go down as the father. I promise you that you will regret it if you give baby his surname. Names have no effect on child support or legal responsibility and it will make it easier for you and baby .
  9. as everyone else said, don't have him at the birth or let him visit you at the hospital
  10. let him see baby when you are home but have another family member there with you, don’t be alone with him.

Good advice.

Epidote · 29/08/2023 21:36

Don't allow him to the birth. You are not his carrier bag.

He left you with all the consequences. He is no one to witness that private event anymore.

paulaparticles · 29/08/2023 23:00

Hope your OK stay strong 😙

AgentJohnson · 30/08/2023 08:01

The bank doesn’t care who pays the mortgage just as long as someone does, get financial and legal advice asap.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/08/2023 20:13

mathanxiety · 29/08/2023 03:06

Do not have him at the birth.

His presence could seriously affect your progress in labour. He probably feels it's some sort of performance he has a right to witness. He has some cheek even suggesting he would be there in these circumstances. Tell him he can fuck right off.

Agree

wolfpack · 01/09/2023 02:48

OP, so sorry you’re going through this, sending you a huge hug.

I’m going through something very similar at 26 weeks pregnant so if you need to chat or a shoulder to cry on (or a vent!), please reach out to me xx

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