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Original poster

Using a condom

109 replies

karlaka · 28/08/2023 14:35

After the second date, I had sex with the guy I met through university.
We started making out and it was obvious we would end up having sex. He was about to put his dick in, then I asked him to use a condom. He immediately put on one. We had sex and fell asleep. During the night, we both woke up and started making out. We had sex again, this time without a condom. I didn't say anything, and he didn't initiate using one either.
When I later brought up the topic and asked if he does this often, he said that he used to find condoms arousing and that he wouldn't do it otherwise. He mentioned that he trusted me right away because I had emphasized the use of a condom the first time, and he felt secure with that.
What would you think? Would you believe him? Would you continue seeing this guy? Or do you think he did nothing wrong and I was just as much a part of this?

OP posts:
Motnight · 28/08/2023 14:38

The second time you had sex sounds consensual to me, is that right? If so you are both as gung ho about your sexual health as each other.

ConnieTucker · 28/08/2023 14:39

He needs telling each and every time to not try to get you pregnant or pass on an sti. Not a keeper. And you need to speak up.

YouHoooo · 28/08/2023 14:48

It takes two to tango.

It would be odd double standards to ditch him for not using a condom when you didn’t mention it either.

Pinkbonbon · 28/08/2023 14:51

Wait ha said he wouldn't use a condom if eh didn't find it arousing? So - irregardless of what you want?

Sorry op but he sounds like a rapey weirdo.
Telling you he trusts you is a way of manipulating and guilting you into trusting him back. You shouldn't. You told him your views on condoms and he should not have had sex with you without at least asking if you wanted him to wear one again the second time.

He's a creeper.
Don't see him again.

Symphony830 · 28/08/2023 14:51

YouHoooo · 28/08/2023 14:48

It takes two to tango.

It would be odd double standards to ditch him for not using a condom when you didn’t mention it either.

This!

Pinkbonbon · 28/08/2023 14:55

Ps I'm not saying he's done anything illegal as it sounds like you were OK to go along with it.

I'm saying he's telling you quite openly that he doesn't care about your opinion on condoms and will only wear one if he wants to during sex. That's quite horrifying.

You would be wise to get an sti test too by the way.

Original poster
karlaka · 28/08/2023 14:56

Pinkbonbon · 28/08/2023 14:55

Ps I'm not saying he's done anything illegal as it sounds like you were OK to go along with it.

I'm saying he's telling you quite openly that he doesn't care about your opinion on condoms and will only wear one if he wants to during sex. That's quite horrifying.

You would be wise to get an sti test too by the way.

He wore a condom and he wore it whenever I asked him to

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 28/08/2023 14:57

“He mentioned that he trusted me right away because I had emphasized the use of a condom the first time, ”

Well he wriggled out of that nicely didn’t he?

I read his response as “if you don’t ask, I won’t do” instead of taking ownership of his own sexual health and being considerate of yours, not to mention HE’s not going to get pregnant.

I do get the heat of the moment thing and that you are both responsible but his reply to your question is still piss-poor.

Up to you whether you think this is a dealbreaker for you or not.

Keep your eye out for other situations where he tries to spin it round to be "because of you".

villamariavintrapp · 28/08/2023 14:57

Well, when you asked him to wear a condom first time it reassured him that you're the 'type' to insist on this, and so you're much less likely to pass on an STI to him. He felt he'd be safe to do without the second time.
On the other hand, when he was happy to do without first time, you should have been alerted to the fact that he's 'the type' to not use condoms even with people he's just met, so you should have seen him as a high risk of STI.
It was selfish of him not to use one as most of the risk is to you. Not an attractive quality in someone you're looking to date.

Theforeverhome · 28/08/2023 15:05

YouHoooo · 28/08/2023 14:48

It takes two to tango.

It would be odd double standards to ditch him for not using a condom when you didn’t mention it either.

I’d agree with this since I assume you had sex consensually the second time. You were as much of a part of it as he was.

If you were to continue seeing him after telling him he always wears a condom whether you ask him to or not and he indicates that’s not going to happen, that’s when I would dump him.

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 28/08/2023 15:07

Sounds like he’s pretty irresponsible. Not very attractive.

Pinkbonbon · 28/08/2023 15:08

Yes but firstly op- you shouldn't have to adk every time. He knew you wanted him to wear condoms because you'd been wearing them with him already. You'd just met this guy. What kind of sick creep thinks 'oh I can stop wearing them even though she's made it clear she wants to wear them'.

Secondly he said to you he only wears them when he finds them arousing. So what happens when he doesn't fins them arousing? I'll tell you what happens, he ignores your wishes. Maybe by manipulating you or guuoting you into feeling that's OK. By using manipulative statements like 'oh but I trust YOU'. Making you feel you have to say that back.

You shouldn't trust him. He's a bad egg. A rotten one in fact.

Fallingthroughclouds · 28/08/2023 15:09

Pinkbonbon · 28/08/2023 14:51

Wait ha said he wouldn't use a condom if eh didn't find it arousing? So - irregardless of what you want?

Sorry op but he sounds like a rapey weirdo.
Telling you he trusts you is a way of manipulating and guilting you into trusting him back. You shouldn't. You told him your views on condoms and he should not have had sex with you without at least asking if you wanted him to wear one again the second time.

He's a creeper.
Don't see him again.

I think you need to be very careful calling consensual sex rapey. This is very far from rape.

Meatus · 28/08/2023 15:10

He sounds like an idiot.

That said, you’re the one responsible for your own health and allowing a man to have unprotected sex with you (in the context of consensual sex like you’d described here) is stupidly risky.

What were you thinking?

Have you taken the morning after pill? Do you have regular STI screenings?

Pinkbonbon · 28/08/2023 15:10

Fallingthroughclouds · 28/08/2023 15:09

I think you need to be very careful calling consensual sex rapey. This is very far from rape.

Show quote history

I did clarify on another post - im not taking about the sex they had. I'm taking about how sex may proceed in future based on what he has said.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 28/08/2023 15:14

So, where possible, he has unprotected sex with women.

Please go and get an STI check.

And then think long and hard about whether you want to be with such a selfish person.

I wouldn’t. And a reminder: men are not an endangered species. There’s zillions of them out there - so don’t accept sub-standard behaviour from one of them. Ditch and move on to something better.

JudgeRudy · 28/08/2023 15:14

You're asking 2 different Qs. Would you continue seeing this guy? Well yes, if you like him and he's into you. Do you think he did nothing wrong? No, not in the big scheme of things..and was I just as much a part of this? Er well yes!
How you proceed is up to you but it seems odd to dump someone who did what you did....had unprotected sex. If you're uncomfortable doing that speak up, but it's down to you to say something at the time if he seems to be 'forgetting' something. Has it occurred to you that maybe he didn't instigate this, you did and he just got swept along.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2023 15:16

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 28/08/2023 15:07

Sounds like he’s pretty irresponsible. Not very attractive.

So is the op. The only one responsible for her sexual health is her.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2023 15:18

CrazyArmadilloLady · 28/08/2023 15:14

So, where possible, he has unprotected sex with women.

Please go and get an STI check.

And then think long and hard about whether you want to be with such a selfish person.

I wouldn’t. And a reminder: men are not an endangered species. There’s zillions of them out there - so don’t accept sub-standard behaviour from one of them. Ditch and move on to something better.

Good grief, you act like the op has absolutely no agency here. He chose to have sex without a condom and so did she. If he is selfish, so is she.

Fallingthroughclouds · 28/08/2023 15:18

Tell him you want him to wear a condom every time without you having to ask. If this is a problem for him then he isn't for you.

Since you've already had unprotected sex the chances are that you have what he has, so probably worth getting an STI check. No point wearing a condom after the horse has bolted.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/08/2023 15:20

Are you on the pill?

PoshPineapple · 28/08/2023 15:20

Pinkbonbon · 28/08/2023 14:51

Wait ha said he wouldn't use a condom if eh didn't find it arousing? So - irregardless of what you want?

Sorry op but he sounds like a rapey weirdo.
Telling you he trusts you is a way of manipulating and guilting you into trusting him back. You shouldn't. You told him your views on condoms and he should not have had sex with you without at least asking if you wanted him to wear one again the second time.

He's a creeper.
Don't see him again.

Seriously? How the fuck is the word "rape" appropriate here? Because he didn't pop a sock on the second time? If that's the criteria, then presumably you think the OP is also a "rapey weirdo" too, as she proceeded (presumably willingly) without the condom the second time, which I am assuming she categorically isn't.

Pinkbonbon · 28/08/2023 15:23

PoshPineapple · 28/08/2023 15:20

Seriously? How the fuck is the word "rape" appropriate here? Because he didn't pop a sock on the second time? If that's the criteria, then presumably you think the OP is also a "rapey weirdo" too, as she proceeded (presumably willingly) without the condom the second time, which I am assuming she categorically isn't.

Show quote history

I've already clarified earlier on. I'm not talking about their sex. I'm talking about the fact that he said he wouldn't wear a condom if he didn't find it arousing. I didn't say rape. Don't twist my words. They had consensual sex. I'm said he sounds potentially rapey. OK maybe the word choice is a bit triggering. I apologise. But...he does though.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 28/08/2023 15:24

Seriously OP - ditch and move on. And take it as a lesson learnt.

You know you didn’t want to have sex without a condom, so you should have spoken up.

And again - get an STI check.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 28/08/2023 15:25

Pinkbonbon · 28/08/2023 15:23

I've already clarified earlier on. I'm not talking about their sex. I'm talking about the fact that he said he wouldn't wear a condom if he didn't find it arousing. I didn't say rape. Don't twist my words. They had consensual sex. I'm said he sounds potentially rapey. OK maybe the word choice is a bit triggering. I apologise. But...he does though.

Show quote history

Totally agree when you @Pinkbonbon