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Original poster

Using a condom

109 replies

karlaka · 28/08/2023 14:35

After the second date, I had sex with the guy I met through university.
We started making out and it was obvious we would end up having sex. He was about to put his dick in, then I asked him to use a condom. He immediately put on one. We had sex and fell asleep. During the night, we both woke up and started making out. We had sex again, this time without a condom. I didn't say anything, and he didn't initiate using one either.
When I later brought up the topic and asked if he does this often, he said that he used to find condoms arousing and that he wouldn't do it otherwise. He mentioned that he trusted me right away because I had emphasized the use of a condom the first time, and he felt secure with that.
What would you think? Would you believe him? Would you continue seeing this guy? Or do you think he did nothing wrong and I was just as much a part of this?

OP posts:
andymary · 28/08/2023 16:46

karlaka · 28/08/2023 16:17

At least I asked the first time, he didn't even bother the first time. So I expected him to use it the second time

Show quote history

Sounds like it's something that you need to bring up in conversation. Even if it's not face to face, like via text. Especially if he knows that you're on the pill, then he might think that that's enough and that he doesn't need to take any prevention himself.
So tell him what you want, and any extra boundaries, so that the expectations are set before your next encounter.
Just something like "Sex last night was great, but I want us to use condoms for a while whilst we get to know each other better".

PoshPineapple · 28/08/2023 16:48

Hang on, OP - are we missing something here? I'm reading this thinking "well, if she let him proceed without a condom, how is it just his fault". BUT, reading your subsequent posts, I'm now wondering if you're saying you didn't KNOW he hadn't rubbered-up before it was too late? Not saying it lets him or you off, but the point of your post would make more sense if that were the case.

MrsFiddle · 28/08/2023 16:54

@karlaka I didn't say anything

Why not? You barely know him to expect this or that. You need to take charge of your life.

Iamacatslave · 28/08/2023 16:59

@karlaka are you old enough to be having sex? You come across as very immature.

Original poster
karlaka · 28/08/2023 17:10

Iamacatslave · 28/08/2023 16:59

@karlaka are you old enough to be having sex? You come across as very immature.

Yes, but again, what does it say about him not to use it after he was asked to? I am not saying I did everything right

OP posts:
my82my · 28/08/2023 17:10

He's a cheeky bastard, If you asked him the first time he should have put one on the second time. That's a load of crap that he trusts you enough.. he was trying his luck and it worked. Why didn't you speak up the second time though?
You will have to have an STD check now.

millymollymoomoo · 28/08/2023 17:11

@PoshPineapple didn’t read like that at all

and even if that was the case you 100% can tell and it’s ops job to say, hang on are you wearing A condom before proceeding

millymollymoomoo · 28/08/2023 17:13

Op why are you trying to blame him or suggests it says something about him. What does it suggest about you that you’d have unprotected sex with a guy you dont know without one?

PoshPineapple · 28/08/2023 17:13

millymollymoomoo · 28/08/2023 17:11

@PoshPineapple didn’t read like that at all

and even if that was the case you 100% can tell and it’s ops job to say, hang on are you wearing A condom before proceeding

I just wondered if I was being unnecessarily harsh or judgy. Maybe not 😂

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 28/08/2023 17:52

Deathbyfluffy · 28/08/2023 16:14

As is the OP then, as it’s equally on them too.
Takes two to tango, and contraception is the responsibility of both parties!

Show quote history

It most certainly is, but it’s the OP who would live with any major consequences. Maybe not the PC view, but she’s the one left holding the baby.

ConnieTucker · 28/08/2023 17:58

karlaka · 28/08/2023 17:10

Yes, but again, what does it say about him not to use it after he was asked to? I am not saying I did everything right

Show quote history

It says he is not worth bothering with again. And you need to speak up.

C1N1C · 28/08/2023 18:07

While I agree with the use of condoms, I also wonder whether it is just 'the times'.

With PreP (or whatever it's called), I have so many friends that basically see it as open season... if HIV is preventable, and all the rest can be cured, just enjoy it!

It's the wrong attitude IMHO, but is that just how people see it these days???

my82my · 28/08/2023 18:11

C1N1C · 28/08/2023 18:07

While I agree with the use of condoms, I also wonder whether it is just 'the times'.

With PreP (or whatever it's called), I have so many friends that basically see it as open season... if HIV is preventable, and all the rest can be cured, just enjoy it!

It's the wrong attitude IMHO, but is that just how people see it these days???

I don't know anyone who see's it like this. I have older teen/young adult DC and they are way more responsible about pregnancy and sexual health than I remember anyone being when I was young and single (90s)

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 28/08/2023 18:42

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 28/08/2023 17:52

It most certainly is, but it’s the OP who would live with any major consequences. Maybe not the PC view, but she’s the one left holding the baby.

Show quote history

All the more reason for her to ensure they are having protected sex. But she didn't.

Not sure why people are thinking he is worse when they are exactly the same with regards to being flippant about their sexual health.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 28/08/2023 19:33

Sorry, but he is worse.

He tried his luck the first time, and was asked to wear a condom. Then he tried his luck a second time (who does that?), and got away with it.

The OP should have spoken up, but obviously didn’t feel able to in the moment - probably felt like a nag, having to remind him yet again, when she’d only just asked him. Again, clearly she should have spoken up.

But of course he was worse. Some amazing sub-standard man apologia on this thread.

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 28/08/2023 19:57

CrazyArmadilloLady · 28/08/2023 19:33

Sorry, but he is worse.

He tried his luck the first time, and was asked to wear a condom. Then he tried his luck a second time (who does that?), and got away with it.

The OP should have spoken up, but obviously didn’t feel able to in the moment - probably felt like a nag, having to remind him yet again, when she’d only just asked him. Again, clearly she should have spoken up.

But of course he was worse. Some amazing sub-standard man apologia on this thread.

Lot of assumptions there.

For all he knew first time she might be happy without a condom same as him. She wasn't so told him that and he immediately put one on.

Second time neither said anything so he didn't 'get away' with anything, OP wasn't bothered that time and neither was he.

It's almost as if people are trying to minimise what it's really like to be taken advantage of sexually.

Sounds to me as if they woke up and had sex half sleeping but she expected him to be the one to ensure they were both safe without any accountability.

millymollymoomoo · 28/08/2023 19:57

He 100% is not worse
women need to stop blaming men for their own failures and actions

missmollygreen · 28/08/2023 20:03

karlaka · 28/08/2023 17:10

Yes, but again, what does it say about him not to use it after he was asked to? I am not saying I did everything right

Show quote history

Stop trying to blame the guy just because you feel dumb for not mentioning a condom again.

You said yourself you were making out and then had sex, you would have been aware whether a condom was put on or not, its not exactly a stealthy act.

This is on BOTH of you

CrazyArmadilloLady · 28/08/2023 20:10

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 28/08/2023 19:57

Lot of assumptions there.

For all he knew first time she might be happy without a condom same as him. She wasn't so told him that and he immediately put one on.

Second time neither said anything so he didn't 'get away' with anything, OP wasn't bothered that time and neither was he.

It's almost as if people are trying to minimise what it's really like to be taken advantage of sexually.

Sounds to me as if they woke up and had sex half sleeping but she expected him to be the one to ensure they were both safe without any accountability.

Show quote history

Lots of assumptions there, too?!

The OP clearly was bothered. Hence this thread?

Again - she should have spoken up. But he 100% tried his luck, even though he stone-cold knew she wanted him to wear condoms when they had sex.

He absolutely is worse.

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 28/08/2023 20:17

CrazyArmadilloLady · 28/08/2023 20:10

Lots of assumptions there, too?!

The OP clearly was bothered. Hence this thread?

Again - she should have spoken up. But he 100% tried his luck, even though he stone-cold knew she wanted him to wear condoms when they had sex.

He absolutely is worse.

Show quote history

Not really assumptions on my part, he wanted to do it without a condom the first time and she said no so he put one on.

She was bothered after the fact (second time), not at the time.

Why was he to be fully thinking about consequences just woken up in the middle of the night but she wasn't?

They are both as bad as each other.

rwalker · 28/08/2023 20:23

She assumed he’d wear one as he did last time
he assumed she’d ask if she was bothered like last time

learn from it and move on

CrazyArmadilloLady · 28/08/2023 20:24

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 28/08/2023 20:17

Not really assumptions on my part, he wanted to do it without a condom the first time and she said no so he put one on.

She was bothered after the fact (second time), not at the time.

Why was he to be fully thinking about consequences just woken up in the middle of the night but she wasn't?

They are both as bad as each other.

Show quote history

She was bothered after the fact (second time), not at the time.

That’s entirely your assumption.

Come on - why would she think protecting herself against STIs from a NEW partner was important the first time she had sex, but not the second?! Confused

Again. She should have spoken up. But for whatever reason, she didn’t.

If the bloke in this scenario came on and did and AIBU post - ‘I had sex for the first time with a new partner. I went to have sex without a condom but she asked me to wear one, so I did. We had sex without one later that night, and I didn’t put one on. Now she seems unhappy with me - AIBU?’ …. He’d be told in no uncertain terms that it was.

Of course it’s a given that he should be using a condom. Any man that needs to be told - twice! - is not a keeper.

There’s plenty more fish in the sea. Why is everyone so desperate for the OP to hang onto this one…? Confused

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 28/08/2023 20:25

I mean, come on The OP shouldhave spoken up, but obviously didn’t feel able to in the moment

Where have you gotten that from? Not from her posts anyway. She felt fully able to 'speak up' the first time then they both got carried away at night time. Nothing to suggest she was taken advantage of in any way, only that she didn't say anything the second time about it and neither did he. But in hindsight she thinks the man should have not let it happen despite them being two consenting adults who both played equal parts.

I'm sure that is down to worry about STI's but that's the chance you both take when you have unprotected sex. Hopefully a lesson learned.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 28/08/2023 20:27

Well, she obviously didn’t feel able to. Only the OP knows why.

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 28/08/2023 20:31

CrazyArmadilloLady · 28/08/2023 20:24

She was bothered after the fact (second time), not at the time.

That’s entirely your assumption.

Come on - why would she think protecting herself against STIs from a NEW partner was important the first time she had sex, but not the second?! Confused

Again. She should have spoken up. But for whatever reason, she didn’t.

If the bloke in this scenario came on and did and AIBU post - ‘I had sex for the first time with a new partner. I went to have sex without a condom but she asked me to wear one, so I did. We had sex without one later that night, and I didn’t put one on. Now she seems unhappy with me - AIBU?’ …. He’d be told in no uncertain terms that it was.

Of course it’s a given that he should be using a condom. Any man that needs to be told - twice! - is not a keeper.

There’s plenty more fish in the sea. Why is everyone so desperate for the OP to hang onto this one…? Confused

Show quote history

She knew he didn't have one on the second time.

They way you're going on it's as if it's stealthing which is a criminal offence. This wasn't. She knew he wasn't using one and was fine with that until the next day.