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Original poster

Using a condom

109 replies

karlaka · 28/08/2023 14:35

After the second date, I had sex with the guy I met through university.
We started making out and it was obvious we would end up having sex. He was about to put his dick in, then I asked him to use a condom. He immediately put on one. We had sex and fell asleep. During the night, we both woke up and started making out. We had sex again, this time without a condom. I didn't say anything, and he didn't initiate using one either.
When I later brought up the topic and asked if he does this often, he said that he used to find condoms arousing and that he wouldn't do it otherwise. He mentioned that he trusted me right away because I had emphasized the use of a condom the first time, and he felt secure with that.
What would you think? Would you believe him? Would you continue seeing this guy? Or do you think he did nothing wrong and I was just as much a part of this?

OP posts:
Original poster
karlaka · 28/08/2023 15:25

Pinkbonbon · 28/08/2023 15:23

I've already clarified earlier on. I'm not talking about their sex. I'm talking about the fact that he said he wouldn't wear a condom if he didn't find it arousing. I didn't say rape. Don't twist my words. They had consensual sex. I'm said he sounds potentially rapey. OK maybe the word choice is a bit triggering. I apologise. But...he does though.

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This is not what he said. He said he always used to wear condoms before and only with his ex girlfriends he didn't use them. He said he even used to find condoms quite sexy

OP posts:
TheHappyCarrot · 28/08/2023 15:34

Well you both sound stupid and irresponsible. You'll start a thread soon asking whether you should have the baby or get rid of it.

There are no excuses in this day and age.

Pinkbonbon · 28/08/2023 15:34

karlaka · 28/08/2023 15:25

This is not what he said. He said he always used to wear condoms before and only with his ex girlfriends he didn't use them. He said he even used to find condoms quite sexy

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OK well in that case your initial post you say in it that he said to you he wouldn't wear them if he didn't find them arousing.

But now you've changed the way that's worded so it means something completely different so... :/

But if we take that out if the equation then you're still left with someone whom at best, you need to say to 'hey, we always use condoms moving forwards'. And be very careful that they follow that request. Also, the comment about trusting you still seems manipulative imo. Bit considering you made the first part sound different as to how he had actually worded it and are just updating that now...I'm more inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt for that too.

For all we know, he actually said that to you when you asked him what kind of sandwich you wanted from the vending machine. And you'll drip feed that in later changing the context too.

retinolalcohol · 28/08/2023 15:39

I think a large proportion of men would probably go ahead and have sex without a condom if the woman didn't insist on him wearing one. I've been in relationships with perfectly good, nice men who I reckon wouldn't have insisted on it. Not big, not clever, not safe, not right, very careless but also not 'rapey' in most cases - unless there's been a prior conversation about always using them, or you've asked him in the moment and he's refused.

From what I understand, you consented to the sex without a condom in the middle of the night - now you regret it and you're making a judgment call on his character based on something you also chose to do?

Make better choices in future. If you want him to use condoms always, tell him - what he does/says next will be the moment you can make a call on whether to continue seeing him. But all of this is a bit dramatic IMO. You consented, he consented and you both made a mistake. Humans do!

WoolyMammoth55 · 28/08/2023 15:42

Hi OP, it's been a long time since I was dating but when I was, my position was simple: we use condoms until (a) we've both had clean STI test results and (b) we're both being monagomous and have established that we trust each other to be honest on this point.

So I'm at a loss as to why you didn't ask for a condom the second time, when it became clear that he wasn't going to put one on - did you feel coerced? Were you half asleep? Or was it a conscious choice on your part that you didn't need it this time?

If you were drowsy and/or he made you feel pressured in some way then DEFINITELY don't see him again. But if you feel you consented to no condom the second time then there's not much to be done - except to insist on condoms and/or an STI test for you both ASAP.

retinolalcohol · 28/08/2023 15:44

Of course what I've written does not apply if you felt in any way coerced, forced, like you couldn't say no.

But if this doesn't apply it's fine to both have an STI test, insist on condoms in future until you're exclusive, and move on

rwalker · 28/08/2023 15:50

Sounds like he’d prefer not to wear a condom but if you ask him to he’s happy to
complete non issue

your each responsible for your own sexual health

Boomboom22 · 28/08/2023 15:53

Pink, you are not making sense. She said he wouldn't wear one if he didn't find them arousing, meaning he does find using them a turn on. No change of meaning at all.

mrmr1 · 28/08/2023 15:53

But do you trust him ???. You dont know where he has put it before.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 28/08/2023 15:57

So you had unprotected sex, which you were fully consenting to, and you’re wondering if that’s ok? Have whatever kind of sex you want providing it’s consensual and you’re both happy with the risk of pregnancy. Not sure what the issue here is.

Original poster
karlaka · 28/08/2023 15:59

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 28/08/2023 15:57

So you had unprotected sex, which you were fully consenting to, and you’re wondering if that’s ok? Have whatever kind of sex you want providing it’s consensual and you’re both happy with the risk of pregnancy. Not sure what the issue here is.

Well the issue is that I would expect from a guy to put it on without me having to ask him for it

OP posts:
Motnight · 28/08/2023 16:01

karlaka · 28/08/2023 15:59

Well the issue is that I would expect from a guy to put it on without me having to ask him for it

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And what if the guy thinks that you should suggest it before he does 🤔.

Silly rules.

Just say what you want. Or don't want.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2023 16:06

karlaka · 28/08/2023 15:59

Well the issue is that I would expect from a guy to put it on without me having to ask him for it

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You expect the man to take responsibility for your sexual health? Come the fuck on. You are an adult, behave like one.

Original poster
karlaka · 28/08/2023 16:13

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2023 16:06

You expect the man to take responsibility for your sexual health? Come the fuck on. You are an adult, behave like one.

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well I expect him to use a condom the second time we're having sex after I already told him to use one the first time

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 28/08/2023 16:14

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 28/08/2023 15:07

Sounds like he’s pretty irresponsible. Not very attractive.

As is the OP then, as it’s equally on them too.
Takes two to tango, and contraception is the responsibility of both parties!

millymollymoomoo · 28/08/2023 16:16

You are every bit as responsible as the guy
yiu didn’t ask the second time, neither did he. You both went ahead without

why is he deemed irresponsible/not a keeper but you’re not ?

Original poster
karlaka · 28/08/2023 16:17

millymollymoomoo · 28/08/2023 16:16

You are every bit as responsible as the guy
yiu didn’t ask the second time, neither did he. You both went ahead without

why is he deemed irresponsible/not a keeper but you’re not ?

At least I asked the first time, he didn't even bother the first time. So I expected him to use it the second time

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 28/08/2023 16:17

@karlaka so why have sex without one the second time and why not mention it ?
YOU are responsible for your sexual health

Original poster
karlaka · 28/08/2023 16:20

millymollymoomoo · 28/08/2023 16:17

@karlaka so why have sex without one the second time and why not mention it ?
YOU are responsible for your sexual health

I know...still I am more shocked about him not using a condom the first time or asking me about my sexual health

OP posts:
Pocketfullofdogtreats · 28/08/2023 16:23

Sounds as if you need to tell him every time, until he gets the message. Don't take risks - it's not worth it. Are you on the pill? You haven't said. If you're not using any other contraception then you're playing with fire. Once again - it's truly not worth the risk. I got pregnant (with twins!) the first time I had sex without contraception.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2023 16:24

karlaka · 28/08/2023 16:13

well I expect him to use a condom the second time we're having sex after I already told him to use one the first time

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Why would you "expect" anything? You barely know him. You're just making excuses to justify your own irresponsible behaviour.

Original poster
karlaka · 28/08/2023 16:25

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 28/08/2023 16:23

Sounds as if you need to tell him every time, until he gets the message. Don't take risks - it's not worth it. Are you on the pill? You haven't said. If you're not using any other contraception then you're playing with fire. Once again - it's truly not worth the risk. I got pregnant (with twins!) the first time I had sex without contraception.

Yes, I'm on the pill

OP posts:
ToughFuss · 28/08/2023 16:27

This is so bloody daft. You can’t hold it against him for not using a condom when you didn’t either, you’re as irresponsible as he is.

Alargeoneplease89 · 28/08/2023 16:29

In the end of the day, you are going to be the one left with the consequences but yeah he's lying that he uses them all the time otherwise he would of automatically put one on everytime.

Original poster
karlaka · 28/08/2023 16:45

Alargeoneplease89 · 28/08/2023 16:29

In the end of the day, you are going to be the one left with the consequences but yeah he's lying that he uses them all the time otherwise he would of automatically put one on everytime.

he said he used to. he was in a relationship for the past 3 years

OP posts: