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Original poster

DH punching floor

127 replies

NC0003 · 27/08/2023 14:42

NC. Will try not to drip feed but I’m in a bit of a rush so apologies for any typos, I’ll try to condense this. I’m nervous as I’m so worried this is outing but I have to get it off my chest.

I should mention I have some trauma and have MH support around that so not sure if my judgement is off or if I’m overreacting.

DH and I have 2 DC. DC1 is 4 and DC2 is under 6 months.

I had a trip planned, 3 + hours away by bus. DH had encouraged me to go as I was only going for 1 night/ 1 full day. It was for a celebration. We agreed that DC1 would stay with family as DH finds it easier with only 1 to look after.
While I was away DH rang and was very upset, he was frustrated and angry and said he couldn’t do it anymore, that he hated our DC and that he had punched the floor a ‘few times’ because he was so frustrated that DC2 wouldn’t sleep.
After that call I got the next train home and was back in about 2 hours and in that time I asked someone to go help my DH so he wasn’t struggling on his own.

Once home he apologized and said he didn’t hate our DC, he was just angry. We had a disagreement as I said that level of anger is uncontrolled and shouldn’t be happening. I got quite emotional and cried as I was shocked and sad for my DC. He said I was turning his stressful time into something about me and my trip away. (I was disappointed I had to come home so suddenly and miss the celebration so maybe he was right).

I have tried to help him in the past and got him enrolled on a parenting course, but it doesn’t start for months and months due to waiting lists. I got him to the GP about some physical problems in the hope that would help but so far it hasn’t. He has never done anything like this before. He’s been frustrated yes, but it scared me that he felt the need to punch the floor and now his hand is swollen.

I've probably made this sound worse than it is and I probably shouldn't have gone away as DC2 is young but he is otherwise great and I thought it would all be fine. He just gets frustrated sometimes and says he can’t cope but not to that extent. I love him. I am just scared and angry at him. I am equally angry at myself for leaving my DC with him now too.

Not sure what I want from this post. I guess I’m wondering am I overreacting? I don’t know what to say to him and I certainly don’t know what to do.
And I am just worried all the time now.

Thanks.

OP posts:
JogginAintGinnaHappen · 27/08/2023 14:48

Poor man can't cope with more than one child, is so frustrated he hits the floor in a rage. Fuck that bullshit and his shit poor me, it's my fault BUT YOU WENT OUT. You arranged for help for him with the one child - he's a parent it's his life to deal with the children.

Leave the relationship. You and you're kids deserve and need better than him. Don't listen to his bullshit, next he'll be blaming you for the salty taste of the sea!

JustCheckingUp · 27/08/2023 14:48

So you can never go away and never leave your child with their father because he gets violent? Far from overreacting- I’d say underreacting.

NotAsAnonymousAsYouThinkYouAre · 27/08/2023 14:49

I probably shouldn't have gone away as DC2 is young

I don’t see how a bloke who can’t cope with looking after his own DC, and who resorts to punching the floor and saying he hates the child, can be considered ‘otherwise great’ tbh.
Plenty of mums can safely leave their child overnight (or longer) with their own father to care for them without having to dash home in fear.

JogginAintGinnaHappen · 27/08/2023 14:49

And I hope his hand does bloody hurt. next time it won't be the floor he hits.

TaniaBania · 27/08/2023 14:50

He's not safe to be left with the children. I'm sorry but I think you need to leave. I agree with PP that you are under-reacting to this.

Specso · 27/08/2023 14:50

You’re not overreacting, I’d say you’re under reacting.

flightless55 · 27/08/2023 14:51

Sorry but I think you're under reacting

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 27/08/2023 14:52

I've probably made this sound worse than it is and I probably shouldn't have gone away as DC2 is young but he is otherwise great and I thought it would all be fine.

You have not made this sound worse than it is. Your husband is incapable of being left in charge of his own children for one night without flying into a rage, punching things and injuring himself. You should have every right to have a night awat, but in your position I would now not trust him to be left in sole charge of your dc.

AllSewnUp · 27/08/2023 14:52

No you are not overreacting. I think you need to get yourself and your children away from this man. It's ridiculous that you can't go away for one night without having to rush back home because your DH can't handle just 1 of his 2 children on his own without resorting to violence. Thank goodness it was the floor that got punched, and not the child. But what about next time...

Is he trying to control you by having such a ridiculous outburst, so that you will come back home?

My guess is that you will never feel comfortable leaving either of your 2 young children alone with him again, which given his behaviour would be utterly understandable - but this isn't normal. He's their father and his own children at the absolute minimum should be safe with him, and it shouldn't be somethinf you should ever have to wonder about.

At the very best, you have 3 children here, not 2. At the worst you have 2 children and an abusive dh.

OP, please speak to Womens Aid. This really isn't normal, and neither you or your children should have to tolerate this 💐

iwillnotstaycalm · 27/08/2023 14:54

Red flags. Sounds like DH is self-centred and putting some of the blame onto you about his poor behaviour. Then when you try to address it, he acts like a victim and says that you are making it all about you. Red red flags here

user76541055773 · 27/08/2023 14:57

No, it’s not at all normal. I very rarely say this, but LTB. He sounds dangerous. Speak to women’s aid.

wheresmymojo · 27/08/2023 14:58

Sorry OP but I also think under-reacting.

I get that the screeching of a small child is rage inducing after a while but a normal adult should be able to take a deep breath in another room and then carry on.

Occasionally one might swear at an inanimate object or at the universe.

Losing control of his temper to the extent he punched the floor and hurt his own hand suggests he's on a knife edge of whether he can keep any control at all.

So what happens if its slightly worse next time?

He seems to be high risk for hurting your DC through shaking or similar in a rage before he's barely even realised what he's done.

randomuser2019 · 27/08/2023 15:04

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Optionyougot · 27/08/2023 15:05

His behaviour is horrendous. I can't believe he also won't acknowledge how that affected you and your night.

If you can't leave him to look after his own children for a night without risk of punching floors, calling you home or having to call in extra people to babysit then I think you really need to consider whether you are willing to put yourself and your kids through that over the next 15 years. I wouldn't.

AceofPentacles · 27/08/2023 15:06

My god, I'd be worried about him having shaken the baby or worse. He can't be left with a non verbal child again, surely?

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/08/2023 15:08

“I've probably made this sound worse than it is “

No you haven’t, it’s bloody horrendous.

Hao1 · 27/08/2023 15:09

I would find that terrifying tbh. If you cannot trust your husband with your children, there is something wrong. The poor child must have been so agitated with someone acting so violently around them. Saying he hates his own child is also hugely concerning and abnormal. This time he punched the floor, what will it be next time? I would 100% get out of this situation.

Pumpkindoodles · 27/08/2023 15:09

and I probably shouldn't have gone away as DC2 is young
its alarming that you think you’re to blame here and that you may be over reacting. If anything you’re under reacting. Can you cope with two children? Do you typically punch the floor?
is DH able to go and do things and have time away?

It’s good he told you it was too much for him, but it’s just gone too far already
if he isn’t engaging as hard as he can with getting help and repairing this situation you need to leave. To be honest probably leave anyway because I don’t know how he’s letting you take any blame here or how you and the children can be safe if he’s that out of control with only one child in the house for a couple of hours

BoohooWoohoo · 27/08/2023 15:12

You have under reacted imo. Looking after kids is difficult but he shouldn't have had children never mind the second when he doesn't look after the first. You shouldn't have to babysit him by getting somebody to look after one child so he's only got one to look after. I bet you know how to look after 2 on your own.

This is a dangerous man who's going to scare your kids and fuck them up. It's scary as an adult woman when a man freaks out, god knows how scared a defenseless child would feel.

Iamclearlyamug · 27/08/2023 15:16

You're under reacting. He is just as much a parent to 2dc as you are and he can't cope with one of them for one night?

He's a shit father, a shit partner, and dangerous and abusive to boot.

Get out of there with your kids and don't look back

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 27/08/2023 15:18

What would he do if you died?

Boomboom22 · 27/08/2023 15:18

Wtf? 1 two year old only? Very weird behaviour from him.

mumda · 27/08/2023 15:20

Would you be better off without him in your life?

LividHot · 27/08/2023 15:21

Hi. I know you’re probably a bit shell shocked from all these messages.

Just to say I had one of these guys. And 99% of the time he really was wonderful. So much was great and in many ways he was/is a great dad.

But then shit like this would happen and it would scare me so much as it was so different and terrifying and then he’d be great for however long.

Anyway things got worse in lots of ways and I left and now he’s a better dad because he’s a part time one.

It wasn’t easy and when I coparent now I sometimes think why did I leave him? And then something ridiculous happens and I know.

So, I know you won’t leave him today. But also I hope these posts can give you strength when the time is right.

maltravers · 27/08/2023 15:25

He sounds both angry (you’ve covered that) and controlling. It sounds to me like he doesn’t want to look after the kids and he wants to punish you for going away. I couldn’t trust him to look after them after the incident you’ve described , but jumping to his tune and taking all responsibility going forward because of fear about his anger towards the kids or you is no future really.