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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH punching floor

127 replies

NC0003 · 27/08/2023 14:42

NC. Will try not to drip feed but I’m in a bit of a rush so apologies for any typos, I’ll try to condense this. I’m nervous as I’m so worried this is outing but I have to get it off my chest.

I should mention I have some trauma and have MH support around that so not sure if my judgement is off or if I’m overreacting.

DH and I have 2 DC. DC1 is 4 and DC2 is under 6 months.

I had a trip planned, 3 + hours away by bus. DH had encouraged me to go as I was only going for 1 night/ 1 full day. It was for a celebration. We agreed that DC1 would stay with family as DH finds it easier with only 1 to look after.
While I was away DH rang and was very upset, he was frustrated and angry and said he couldn’t do it anymore, that he hated our DC and that he had punched the floor a ‘few times’ because he was so frustrated that DC2 wouldn’t sleep.
After that call I got the next train home and was back in about 2 hours and in that time I asked someone to go help my DH so he wasn’t struggling on his own.

Once home he apologized and said he didn’t hate our DC, he was just angry. We had a disagreement as I said that level of anger is uncontrolled and shouldn’t be happening. I got quite emotional and cried as I was shocked and sad for my DC. He said I was turning his stressful time into something about me and my trip away. (I was disappointed I had to come home so suddenly and miss the celebration so maybe he was right).

I have tried to help him in the past and got him enrolled on a parenting course, but it doesn’t start for months and months due to waiting lists. I got him to the GP about some physical problems in the hope that would help but so far it hasn’t. He has never done anything like this before. He’s been frustrated yes, but it scared me that he felt the need to punch the floor and now his hand is swollen.

I've probably made this sound worse than it is and I probably shouldn't have gone away as DC2 is young but he is otherwise great and I thought it would all be fine. He just gets frustrated sometimes and says he can’t cope but not to that extent. I love him. I am just scared and angry at him. I am equally angry at myself for leaving my DC with him now too.

Not sure what I want from this post. I guess I’m wondering am I overreacting? I don’t know what to say to him and I certainly don’t know what to do.
And I am just worried all the time now.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Spacecowboys · 27/08/2023 17:07

Sounds dangerous and unsafe. I wouldn’t leave either of my children alone with him again and think the relationship should end in all honesty. For context, I went on a weekend away Friday- Sunday when my dcs were about the same age as yours. Dp certainly didn’t have a problem ‘coping’- they are his children too. What you’ve experienced isn’t normal.

PickAChew · 27/08/2023 17:07

This is all to keep you in your place. He doesn't like you out of his sight, whatever the words he comes out with beforehand.

Extremely worrying that he's hitting the floor next to a baby but part of me wonders if he's lying to get you running back. That's still worrying. You can't trust him, either way.

YukoandHiro · 27/08/2023 17:09

JustCheckingUp · 27/08/2023 14:48

So you can never go away and never leave your child with their father because he gets violent? Far from overreacting- I’d say underreacting.

Yes this.

He is making it about you - so that he can control you by making it impossible for you to leave your children with him.

YukoandHiro · 27/08/2023 17:12

Just seen your update:

"Saying he can't deal with it. I had a hospital appointment and he rang shouting at me saying he can't cope etc and I then felt awful because I had to go this appointment, it was really important but then I just stressed the whole time there."

Terrifying coercive behaviour but also deeply selfish - he puts his own situation above yours even when you're at a medical appointment.

You cannot rely on him. He is not a partner.

You definitely need to leave.

BustyDin · 27/08/2023 17:16

I love him

Why?

misssunshine4040 · 27/08/2023 17:20

You are under reacting. How can bear to look at him or find him attractive enough to be in a relationship with.
This is piece of scum punched the floor as he was so frustrated looking after his own very young children for 1 evening.
Absolutely appalling.
I'm sorry but there would be no coming back from this he can't be trusted to keep his own children safe.

Pinkbonbon · 27/08/2023 17:28

Curious isn't it that instead of calling the people who had your eldest when really struggling...he called you you - you who was hours away. If it was an emergency surely he would call people closer who already have the other kid and tell them he was struggling.

Especially When he knew fine well he had form for doing that in the last and making things hard for you. If I were him you would be the last person I'd want to call because I'd not want to ruin your trip after all I'd put you through lately.

Nicole1111 · 27/08/2023 17:29

This is terrifying. There’s a reason why health visitors have to tell all new parents to take a break from their child when they become frustrated, because of the risk of shaken baby syndrome!
I’d also question the level of control and coercion in your relationship. This wheel might help you identify other parts of your relationship that are abusive.

DH punching floor
HerAvatar · 27/08/2023 17:31

You are living the boiling frog analogy OP, can you see now that there is a pattern of behaviour and that it's all designed to keep you firmly 'in your place'? Please make this your lightbulb moment and start to actively plan your escape, you can't live like this and your DC can't grow up thinking this is normal. Contact Women's Aid to help you make a safe plan, he will not like you breaking free of him and you need help to protect yourself and DC Flowers

uncomfortablydumb53 · 27/08/2023 17:54

Was just about to say what above poster said
He won't let you out of his clutches
He is a dangerous man

AmazingSnakeHead · 27/08/2023 18:10

It's pathetic that he can't cope with his own kids. When mine was that age and I went away DP lost it to such an extent that was slamming doors, throwing DC's books across the floor and ringing me up to scream at me that I was a fucking cunt for leaving them. I made sure to leave again, so that he knew it wouldn't work. Things slowly got better and now he can look after his own child like a semifunctioning normal adult.

I'm not really sure if there's a moral anywhere here for you, but really don't let him stop you going out and having a life. At the minute he'll know you'll come running, and then there's no incentive to improve.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 27/08/2023 18:18

When are you going to leave him so your children can grow up in a violence-free home?

Pinkbonbon · 27/08/2023 18:24

AmazingSnakeHead · 27/08/2023 18:10

It's pathetic that he can't cope with his own kids. When mine was that age and I went away DP lost it to such an extent that was slamming doors, throwing DC's books across the floor and ringing me up to scream at me that I was a fucking cunt for leaving them. I made sure to leave again, so that he knew it wouldn't work. Things slowly got better and now he can look after his own child like a semifunctioning normal adult.

I'm not really sure if there's a moral anywhere here for you, but really don't let him stop you going out and having a life. At the minute he'll know you'll come running, and then there's no incentive to improve.

To be fair though, the smart thing to do would be to leave perminantly.

Especially if someone is calling you a cunt., let alone punching floors.

YukoandHiro · 27/08/2023 18:29

Bex268 · 27/08/2023 16:56

Oh god, I was at a group a few months ago and a woman admitted that when she’d been away for the weekend, her boyfriend (also baby’s dad) had got so frustrated on the second night that he’d shook her baby and now the baby is paralysed for life. Obviously they split. He is now in prison. The baby will never feed not from a tube and will never walk. And possibly never talk either.
I would be very worried what the next step is if your husband is punching the floor.

This is the saddest thing I've read on here and I've seen a lot of awful threads...

Sueveneers · 27/08/2023 18:31

Nc6051 · 27/08/2023 16:40

Wow, I genuinely thought I'd have replies saying I shouldn't have gone!
Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply and to also reply with honesty.

He often rings me if I'm out actually. Saying he can't deal with it. I had a hospital appointment and he rang shouting at me saying he can't cope etc and I then felt awful because I had to go this appointment, it was really important but then I just stressed the whole time there. There are other times too like visiting family, he's rang me while I'm on the way there and did the same. I never thought of it as controlling if I'm honest, just thought he struggled and needed my support.

Sorry if this is drip feeding.
What a mess. I know I need to tell someone else because I am horrified. But I'm also scared because what would happen then. What if no one listens. I feel a bit trapped in this situation if I'm honest.

Yes, he is abusive and controlling, he won't let you go anywhere without a fuss. You really need to leave him. And considering he does this often, I don't think it's that he can't cope, it's that he simply wants to control you and sabbotage you having any life. He wants to trap you and he does this by sabbotaging everything and harassing you until you come back. He is dangerously controlling. I wouldn't want my children to grow up thinking this is ok to treat your wife this way.

cestlavielife · 27/08/2023 18:32

Get him seen by gp and tell gp what happened so this is recorded.
This was on purpose to make you feel bad for going out
Make plans to leave

Frogger8395 · 27/08/2023 18:35

He’s a controlling abuser. Throw him out Ffs. I’d feel sick looking at him.

SistersNotCisters · 27/08/2023 18:40

I think my vagina would dry up and seal itself shut just looking at such a useless sack of shit man child who can't even look after his own children for a night.
Women, have some bloody standards before breeding with these arseholes, please!

OP, I would not leave my kids with someone who tantrums and punches floors when the kids aren't behaving. He can have weekend access when they're much older after you've left this numpty.

Valerie23 · 27/08/2023 18:49

I'd be worried that he's admitted to punching the floor but did worse and the infant could have been shook or hurt in a non visible way.

AmazingSnakeHead · 27/08/2023 18:56

Pinkbonbon · 27/08/2023 18:24

To be fair though, the smart thing to do would be to leave perminantly.

Especially if someone is calling you a cunt., let alone punching floors.

Show quote history

Yes, totally. My case is different in other ways to the OP's, but I agree. I should have left, and the OP almost certainly should too.

But in case she doesn't leave, I think it's important to not fall into the trap that her DP is trying to force her into, where she can't let him parent at all. My DP and I now do 50:50 childcare, which would never have happened had I given in years ago and let him scare me into never leaving. Obviously though I don't know the OP's situation, punching a floor right by a baby sounds horrendous, she should leave if she thinks he's a danger to her or her children.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/08/2023 19:04

Valerie23 · 27/08/2023 18:49

I'd be worried that he's admitted to punching the floor but did worse and the infant could have been shook or hurt in a non visible way.

I agree, op I would take your youngest to the GP for a check up, let them know why and what happened, they can then help refer you to the appropriate services.
This man is not safe.

Treepigeon · 27/08/2023 19:05

Does he behave like this when you are there? Saying he can't cope etc?

When I had post natal depression but OH couldn't leave me with the kids with out having to come back most of the time because I would regularly get into such states that I didn't feel like I could cope and didn't feel like the situation was safe and I needed him to come home because that is what was in our children's best interest.
But I was obviously very unwell at the time. Like I couldn't work. Couldn't look after myself properly. Spent hours crying most days. Regularly got into a complete state even when he was there. It wasn't really a suprise I had to call him for help. I had to access treatment and we had to get through it together. It was a very difficult time. I wasn't violent though. If I was I would have had to have gone and lived elsewhere while I got better.

But if he is just behaving like this when you are out and isn't like this the rest of the time tbh it does seem very controlling. Also the punching the floor in the room with the baby is worrying. It is one thing getting so stressed out that you have to leave baby in its cot crying while you go outside to calm down or even call someone but punching the floor in the same room as the baby?

Unfortunately I think this man is currently a risk. He shouldn't be left alone with the children. If you think he is is legitimately mentally ill he probably needs to stay somewhere else and focus on recovery. He needs to got go to the GP and get therapy and meds.

But if he never behaves like this and gets on these kind of states unless you are out then I would really consider that this is to control you.

I am sorry.

Blessedbethefruitz · 27/08/2023 19:19

Parenting is hard, we all have our 'I can't cope' moments when we have to go and have a deep breath in another room or make a cup of tea. Most people don't behave aggressively in front of their children during these moments. That's the difference (imo) between having a safe and loving home vs a threatening, walking on eggshells home. Even assuming he never becomes violent towards them when they start being cheeky or pushing boundaries, that's not a suitable home - imagine the long term implications.

PurpleBugz · 27/08/2023 19:21

If you are going to leave him you need to take child to gp for a check up.

My violent ex got unsupervised contact eventually. I'd left him for the safety of the kids and it ended up that he was seeing them without me but when we were together he never wanted to look after them.

You need a plan and you need evidence he's not safe or court will just rule you are committing parental alienation by stopping contact

Cas112 · 27/08/2023 19:22

I would never be leaving my children with him again