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Original poster

DH punching floor

127 replies

NC0003 · 27/08/2023 14:42

NC. Will try not to drip feed but I’m in a bit of a rush so apologies for any typos, I’ll try to condense this. I’m nervous as I’m so worried this is outing but I have to get it off my chest.

I should mention I have some trauma and have MH support around that so not sure if my judgement is off or if I’m overreacting.

DH and I have 2 DC. DC1 is 4 and DC2 is under 6 months.

I had a trip planned, 3 + hours away by bus. DH had encouraged me to go as I was only going for 1 night/ 1 full day. It was for a celebration. We agreed that DC1 would stay with family as DH finds it easier with only 1 to look after.
While I was away DH rang and was very upset, he was frustrated and angry and said he couldn’t do it anymore, that he hated our DC and that he had punched the floor a ‘few times’ because he was so frustrated that DC2 wouldn’t sleep.
After that call I got the next train home and was back in about 2 hours and in that time I asked someone to go help my DH so he wasn’t struggling on his own.

Once home he apologized and said he didn’t hate our DC, he was just angry. We had a disagreement as I said that level of anger is uncontrolled and shouldn’t be happening. I got quite emotional and cried as I was shocked and sad for my DC. He said I was turning his stressful time into something about me and my trip away. (I was disappointed I had to come home so suddenly and miss the celebration so maybe he was right).

I have tried to help him in the past and got him enrolled on a parenting course, but it doesn’t start for months and months due to waiting lists. I got him to the GP about some physical problems in the hope that would help but so far it hasn’t. He has never done anything like this before. He’s been frustrated yes, but it scared me that he felt the need to punch the floor and now his hand is swollen.

I've probably made this sound worse than it is and I probably shouldn't have gone away as DC2 is young but he is otherwise great and I thought it would all be fine. He just gets frustrated sometimes and says he can’t cope but not to that extent. I love him. I am just scared and angry at him. I am equally angry at myself for leaving my DC with him now too.

Not sure what I want from this post. I guess I’m wondering am I overreacting? I don’t know what to say to him and I certainly don’t know what to do.
And I am just worried all the time now.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Thoughtful2355 · 27/08/2023 15:29

Imagine not being able to cope with a baby not sleeping for 1 night 🤣🤣 I've had the flu and a baby who was also I'll and wouldn't sleep and I can say I've never punched anything or got that angry

KevinDeBrioche · 27/08/2023 15:35

Another one to say you are under reacting. I think you know that. Please be honest with yourself op, he’s not a good man or a good father.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 27/08/2023 15:37

I wouldn't forgive this
You are certainly not overreacting
You will never be able to trust him again
Next time it could be you or DC he hits
Your little DC would've been so frightened
Contact woman's aid
This cannot be sorted with a parenting course

sadsack78 · 27/08/2023 15:50

Don't let him gaslight you into thinking you're the one with unhealthy reactions to this.

I don't trust a man who can't take care of HIS OWN CHILD for less than 48 hours without flying into a violent rage. Something is seriously wrong.

I won't even bother to say he's a shit parent. He isn't a parent full stop. He can't do it, and is making no effort to step up and learn.

He can't control his temper. You don't want your kids to grow up in that environment. they will be scared all the time because even when he's not angry, they'll never know when he will be abd will walk on eggshells to avoid triggering him off.

Ditch him. it sounds like you'd be better off managing your kids yourself and asking your family for extra support/ childcare when you need it. They're already better parents to your kids than he is, by the sound of it.

Totalwasteofpaper · 27/08/2023 15:55

that level of anger is uncontrolled and shouldn’t be happening

100% correct. It shouldn't be happening

None of this is normal or okay. You should be able to leave 2 children with their father for one night without incident.

It is him NOT you.

maybebalancing · 27/08/2023 16:07

Angry, controlling and punishing.
Unsafe around your children.
Minimizing and deflecting.

This isn't a person to raise children with.

LynetteScavo · 27/08/2023 16:10

If you leave him, surely you'll then be expected to let him look after the children by himself, which seems to be the whole issue.

Unfortunately you can never leave him with the DC. For the rest of time. Now you know.

Notamum12345577 · 27/08/2023 16:10

NC0003 · 27/08/2023 14:42

NC. Will try not to drip feed but I’m in a bit of a rush so apologies for any typos, I’ll try to condense this. I’m nervous as I’m so worried this is outing but I have to get it off my chest.

I should mention I have some trauma and have MH support around that so not sure if my judgement is off or if I’m overreacting.

DH and I have 2 DC. DC1 is 4 and DC2 is under 6 months.

I had a trip planned, 3 + hours away by bus. DH had encouraged me to go as I was only going for 1 night/ 1 full day. It was for a celebration. We agreed that DC1 would stay with family as DH finds it easier with only 1 to look after.
While I was away DH rang and was very upset, he was frustrated and angry and said he couldn’t do it anymore, that he hated our DC and that he had punched the floor a ‘few times’ because he was so frustrated that DC2 wouldn’t sleep.
After that call I got the next train home and was back in about 2 hours and in that time I asked someone to go help my DH so he wasn’t struggling on his own.

Once home he apologized and said he didn’t hate our DC, he was just angry. We had a disagreement as I said that level of anger is uncontrolled and shouldn’t be happening. I got quite emotional and cried as I was shocked and sad for my DC. He said I was turning his stressful time into something about me and my trip away. (I was disappointed I had to come home so suddenly and miss the celebration so maybe he was right).

I have tried to help him in the past and got him enrolled on a parenting course, but it doesn’t start for months and months due to waiting lists. I got him to the GP about some physical problems in the hope that would help but so far it hasn’t. He has never done anything like this before. He’s been frustrated yes, but it scared me that he felt the need to punch the floor and now his hand is swollen.

I've probably made this sound worse than it is and I probably shouldn't have gone away as DC2 is young but he is otherwise great and I thought it would all be fine. He just gets frustrated sometimes and says he can’t cope but not to that extent. I love him. I am just scared and angry at him. I am equally angry at myself for leaving my DC with him now too.

Not sure what I want from this post. I guess I’m wondering am I overreacting? I don’t know what to say to him and I certainly don’t know what to do.
And I am just worried all the time now.

Thanks.

You say maybe you shouldn’t have gone away? Nothing wrong with you going away, your husband ‘should’ be able to look after your child as well as you can, he is the dad after all.

Sueveneers · 27/08/2023 16:16

It sounds like he deliberately sabbotaged your trip. Has he done this before when you've gone away by yourself?

GCAcademic · 27/08/2023 16:18

LynetteScavo · 27/08/2023 16:10

If you leave him, surely you'll then be expected to let him look after the children by himself, which seems to be the whole issue.

Unfortunately you can never leave him with the DC. For the rest of time. Now you know.

Exactly. All the posters telling OP to LTB need to think through what that will lead to.

maybebalancing · 27/08/2023 16:20

This isn't a man who wants to look after his dc though.
If OP talks this through with Women's Aid she can draw up a plan to leave safely.
Think through how to minimize contact and reduce risk to herself and dc moving forward.

billy1966 · 27/08/2023 16:27

Please contact your GP.

This is so serious.

This man is a danger to you and your children.

This is not normal.

He is a very angry violent man and you need to log this.

I think you also need to contact Women's aid because this is a highly controlling, manipulative violent dynamic that puts you and your children at risk.

I am so sorry.

Tell your family the truth.

He has you now EXACTLY where he wants you, terrified and afraid.

This is not a good man.

OhComeOnFFS · 27/08/2023 16:29

Oh I hope that has made you reconsider staying with this awful man.

Pinkbonbon · 27/08/2023 16:37

So hes never gone out and left you with both the children? Or us it different because you're a woman so its 'your job'. Fuck that, he's a grown ass man acting like his six month old.

I notice you say 'I've got him into XYZ'.
Why? It's HIS responsibility to fix his fucking behaviour. You aren't his mummy.

Tbh it sounds like he planned this shit so that you'd have to come home from your trip and never leave the house again. I wouldn't be surprised if he's done other controlling manipulative bs over the years and you've just excused it.

Don't let this horrible man bully you into never going out!

I would have taken the baby to the people looking after your eldest and hopped right back on the train.

Stop pandering to an asshole that isn't even interested in getting his own help.

Nc6051 · 27/08/2023 16:40

Wow, I genuinely thought I'd have replies saying I shouldn't have gone!
Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply and to also reply with honesty.

He often rings me if I'm out actually. Saying he can't deal with it. I had a hospital appointment and he rang shouting at me saying he can't cope etc and I then felt awful because I had to go this appointment, it was really important but then I just stressed the whole time there. There are other times too like visiting family, he's rang me while I'm on the way there and did the same. I never thought of it as controlling if I'm honest, just thought he struggled and needed my support.

Sorry if this is drip feeding.
What a mess. I know I need to tell someone else because I am horrified. But I'm also scared because what would happen then. What if no one listens. I feel a bit trapped in this situation if I'm honest.

AutumnCrow · 27/08/2023 16:44

@NC0003 (OP) - When he was punching the floor, where was the baby? Not on the floor with him, having a nappy change?? It just seems an unusual place to be punching.

(Btw you need to change your name back to your original one so that posters can see it highlighted - makes for a more coherent thread and responses iyswim.)

Original poster
NC0003 · 27/08/2023 16:46

Nc6051 · 27/08/2023 16:40

Wow, I genuinely thought I'd have replies saying I shouldn't have gone!
Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply and to also reply with honesty.

He often rings me if I'm out actually. Saying he can't deal with it. I had a hospital appointment and he rang shouting at me saying he can't cope etc and I then felt awful because I had to go this appointment, it was really important but then I just stressed the whole time there. There are other times too like visiting family, he's rang me while I'm on the way there and did the same. I never thought of it as controlling if I'm honest, just thought he struggled and needed my support.

Sorry if this is drip feeding.
What a mess. I know I need to tell someone else because I am horrified. But I'm also scared because what would happen then. What if no one listens. I feel a bit trapped in this situation if I'm honest.

Sorry this is me, I posted on my phone and didnt realise I hadn't changed my UN.

OP posts:
QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 27/08/2023 16:46

OP, this was my life and I didn't leave for 2 years after, it got worse and I got more resentful that he was just a useless arsehole. Leave now, save the hatred that builds.

Original poster
NC0003 · 27/08/2023 16:50

AutumnCrow · 27/08/2023 16:44

@NC0003 (OP) - When he was punching the floor, where was the baby? Not on the floor with him, having a nappy change?? It just seems an unusual place to be punching.

(Btw you need to change your name back to your original one so that posters can see it highlighted - makes for a more coherent thread and responses iyswim.)

He said he was on the floor rocking her cot to try to get her to sleep and he punched the floor.

OP posts:
Redburnett · 27/08/2023 16:50

It is absolutely ridiculous that a father could not parent his own two children for a day or so while you were away. The fact that he could not even cope with one without resorting to violence is terrifying and shocking. The only way you can keep your children safe is by leaving this appalling violent man.

BurnToastAgain · 27/08/2023 16:52

Has he got a diagnosed mental illness or personality disorder? He sounds like a dangerous man and I’m concerned for both your own and your poor children’s safety OP. I mean I’m genuinely worried for you all. Please do what you can to keep yourselves safe.

Bex268 · 27/08/2023 16:56

Oh god, I was at a group a few months ago and a woman admitted that when she’d been away for the weekend, her boyfriend (also baby’s dad) had got so frustrated on the second night that he’d shook her baby and now the baby is paralysed for life. Obviously they split. He is now in prison. The baby will never feed not from a tube and will never walk. And possibly never talk either.
I would be very worried what the next step is if your husband is punching the floor.

Pinkbonbon · 27/08/2023 16:59

People saying if she leaves he will get access - look, he can't even be arsed looking after them for a day. If he has access days, he'll just fob them off on family or only visit them, not do overnights.

The only reason he's making a big show and dance about how hard it is for him atm is to keep op home doing all the work. It's not because he can't cope. It's because he doesn't want to cope!

He's taking you for a mug op! Training you to never leave.

You know how you know that? Because if it was genuine he would have made his own gp appointments, booked himself into parenting classes, asked his family to stay over and help when you were away rather than risk a meltdown that would pull you back from your important trip.

All he seems concerned with is that you don't leave. That all your attention remains firmly on him. A typical narcissistic prat.

margegunderson · 27/08/2023 17:00

He's an adult? Holds down a job? This is deliberate to control you.

Pinkbonbon · 27/08/2023 17:05

Might actually be worth watching some YouTube videos about how narcissists ruin occasions that are special (eg: birthdays/christmas/family gatherings).

They also get extra needy/attention seeking/destructive/accusatory when they think your attention is on something or someone else that you deem important. Eg: you're studying for a big test. Or out for coffee with friends.