DH punching floor

[NC0003]

NC. Will try not to drip feed but I’m in a bit of a rush so apologies for any typos, I’ll try to condense this. I’m nervous as I’m so worried this is outing but I have to get it off my chest.

I should mention I have some trauma and have MH support around that so not sure if my judgement is off or if I’m overreacting.

DH and I have 2 DC. DC1 is 4 and DC2 is under 6 months.

I had a trip planned, 3 + hours away by bus. DH had encouraged me to go as I was only going for 1 night/ 1 full day. It was for a celebration. We agreed that DC1 would stay with family as DH finds it easier with only 1 to look after.
While I was away DH rang and was very upset, he was frustrated and angry and said he couldn’t do it anymore, that he hated our DC and that he had punched the floor a ‘few times’ because he was so frustrated that DC2 wouldn’t sleep.
After that call I got the next train home and was back in about 2 hours and in that time I asked someone to go help my DH so he wasn’t struggling on his own.

Once home he apologized and said he didn’t hate our DC, he was just angry. We had a disagreement as I said that level of anger is uncontrolled and shouldn’t be happening. I got quite emotional and cried as I was shocked and sad for my DC. He said I was turning his stressful time into something about me and my trip away. (I was disappointed I had to come home so suddenly and miss the celebration so maybe he was right).

I have tried to help him in the past and got him enrolled on a parenting course, but it doesn’t start for months and months due to waiting lists. I got him to the GP about some physical problems in the hope that would help but so far it hasn’t. He has never done anything like this before. He’s been frustrated yes, but it scared me that he felt the need to punch the floor and now his hand is swollen.

I've probably made this sound worse than it is and I probably shouldn't have gone away as DC2 is young but he is otherwise great and I thought it would all be fine. He just gets frustrated sometimes and says he can’t cope but not to that extent. I love him. I am just scared and angry at him. I am equally angry at myself for leaving my DC with him now too.

Not sure what I want from this post. I guess I’m wondering am I overreacting? I don’t know what to say to him and I certainly don’t know what to do.
And I am just worried all the time now.

Thanks.

No, you’ve done the right thing. He’s telling you he can’t control his anger around a tiny infant and therefore can’t be trusted.

^

It’s not normal to get that angry OP. You wouldn’t have posted if you thought it was ok. It’s not and I hope one day you have the strength to leave.

Your post was shocking and upsetting to read. He cannot be trusted with your children. That would be enough for me. Sorry you need to leave - it’s not something I say lightly either.

Exactly this. Also, he doesn't love you, I'm sorry but whatever he says his actions say different. You need to leave.

Jesus Christ! What did I just read?!
What a poor excuse of of a father - and a husband.

How often has he felt the need to do this at his work OP? In a public place/airport/supermarket/traffic Jam? No, thought not.

He's a fucking disgrace.
Consign him to BabyDad status, thank him for his sperms and leave him at your earliest convenience.

He's dangerous 😡

Yes.
I think you need to call women's aid for advice. You may well decide to leave and be justified but I know you're probably unlikely to after just one incident. Unfortunately there are lots of useless men who can't handle two of their own kids at once whose wives don't leave them. If you leave him if he has equal parental responsibility so could sometimes take both kids overnight and you won't be able to control what he does or how he copes- speak to women's aid about this. (See my post 'ex dp burnt my baby' for the dramas that can come from trying to coparent a baby too)

If this was me I would seek joint counselling and insist he also gets anger management therapy. I also wouldn't leave him alone with them without him having help like a friend or family member - it's not at all fair on you but it's needed to keep your kids safe. He should be spending his own personal fun money (not the shared family pot) on babysitter help to give you a break too to compensate for you not being able to leave them with him.

Also just because you love him doesn't mean you have to have him living with you.

@NC0003 @Nc6051 just seen your update and thought a little more.

You mention your own mental health. I think you should follow Dr Jess Taylor on Instagram.
I hope you're in counselling for yourself. You might be a bit like me and be a bit empath/codependent/ try to be a savior to rubbish hopeless men and have poor boundaries - NOT that that's saying this is your fault, but being aware of this can make you realize how the poor boundaries etc can cause your mental health difficulties . Don't let him gaslight you that because you're 'crazy' or 'anxious' you're in the wrong and you're the one that needs help. My ex did that to me while I was pregnant and very vulnerable (he actually left me during the pregnancy) - seeing your post is like a window into what life might have been like if we'd stayed together as a couple and is making me be grateful to be a single mum to a baby with all the control (I didn't put him on the birth certificate so only I have parental responsibility so I can set the rules to keep baby safe and happy and protected)

Also, watch 'killed by my boyfriend' on iPlayer

It sounds like he might have post natal depression. I had similar symptoms (as a first time mum). Rage can be a symptom, it's not just feeling sad and low

Very good point op - he is only doing this at home, not to others. Therefore it's domestic abuse not a general anger issue. Not that either are ok but it's helpful to know.

I think the fact that you came on here expecting we were all going to say you shouldn't have gone out show the level of gaslighting and brain washing this man has done to you to make you doubt yourself - you take total responsibility for him. You don't need to- he's an adult in charge of his own behaviour

WTF to be that out of control with a vulnerable baby.

You can’t trust him. Ever.

Where is your limit??

LTB before he kills the kids and or you.
this is horrific.
consider getting baby checked over. How can you be sure he hasn’t directed his anger at them too ?

He's absolutely not safe to be around your children OP.

You've nothing to feel guilty about.

What are you on about ???????

Sorry OP but he wouldn't be anywhere near me or DC.

Please leave and take your DC with you ♥️

He is just totally incapable of caring for his own children- and I don't think he wants to do so either. Some men simply aren't into looking after children at all but strangely are often the ones who can't wait to 'start a family' until the reality hits them.

I wouldn't leave them with him OP sadly and would be reassessing how you can separate- I'm not sure I would want him seeing the children on his own either

I'm sorry OP but I'm sure you know already what readers will make of this and they'd be right. This man is emotionally blackmailing you and making frightening statements about your dc. He sounds very selfish, unstable and not to be trusted with dc on his own. Obviously he wants you to think this too so he won't be expected to look after his own children. He's a bully who will cast a dark shadow over kids who will grow up scared to step out of line. Get rid.

People who tell you to leave most likely have never been in this situation with tiny children. You can leave of course if that's what you want to do. But having been in a similar situation I would recommend waiting a few years until your youngest is at least three of four.

I could never have left while they were tiny and pre-verbal. I would have been so worried that without me there to mitigate/being able to check in whenever that anything could have happened to my children. If OP leaves he will gain unsupervised access to their children. As tempting as it is, running away doesn't solve a problem like this - it exacerbates the stress for the mother and the risk for the child.

Put a long term plan into place OP, ducks in a row etc. etc. and of course if he does escalate with further outbursts/ violence, get proof if you can, so if you do have to leave sooner then you may be able to stop him from seeing the children unsupervised.

Oh and you are absolutely not overreacting. This is a bad man and a useless "father". You absolutely SHOULD leave him but just not yet IMO.

Women, have some bloody standards before breeding with these arseholes, please!

They don't exactly announce it to you beforehand! My standards were sky high and I still ended up in a similar situation to OP. I know some women think "oh that would never happen to ME" I'm sure I thought that too at times in my younger, more naive years, but some men truly are master manipulators who hold it back for years and years until they've trapped you with a baby. Years later it still shocks me to my core that the man I married was a wolf in sheep's clothing and I never saw it coming - it's the most disorientating thing.

What he couldn't cope with is you being somewhere different than with him.

This must be so hard to read op. Is there anyone who would have your dc for the night? I think it would be a good idea to tell him ‘I cannot go out for more than an hour and leave you to parent our children without you descending to frustrated rage. I cannot leave you wiht our children in this state, it is not fair or possibly not safe for them. Your inability to parent means I cannot comfortably see friends, look after my own health or have a life. This is not ok. The dc are staying with someone, I’ve just dropped them off, and I am going away gro the night because I too am entitled to have a life. You should spend that time thinking about what kind of father you are who can’t parent. I am fed up with trying to parent your emotions as well as our children, and my priority here is our children. Where’s your input to this relationship? I hope it’s productive thinking as I know I’ll be doing some. The kids are fine, I’ll be home late tomorrow.

Id go back alone before picking them up to check he hasn’t spiralled into some kind of rage. In which case obviously I wouldn’t be taking the children back there! Think about it op, and listen to your gut. Whcih says you need to rescue your children from him.

My dad battered me when I was a bit younger than your DC2. My mum had gone out for the evening, he wasn't even babysitting, he came home early and the babysitter left.

My mum became concerned the next morning when I hadn't woke up at the normal time and found me in my cot with a bruised face - apparently I had annoyed him crying 🙄

Your little one must've been so scared to be laid in a crib upset and hearing their dad losing it next to them. Poor baby, there's so many useless fucking men about.

I went away with a few friends on an overnight trip -one of my friends returned home the next day to punch marks in the wall! Her DH is a controlling arsehole...unsurprisingly she's never been away since, he's trained her through fear not to - job done!

None of this is your fault OP, tell your family, get help - dont keep his secrets.

His behaviour around the baby is really concerning. My worry also is whether he may have shaken the baby, then punched the floor repeatedly as a reaction to having done it. Getting to the point of punching the floor repeatedly is in itself very out of control behaviour, even if he didn’t shake the baby. I’d be speaking with your GP/health visitor about what happened. Has your baby acted more subdued than normal since?

I’m also concerned that his tactic to call you back from the party is him potentially setting a tone there’s an expectation you’re home with the baby at all times. To be honest, I wouldn’t leave him alone with the baby or 2 year old now, but can’t see how that’s sustainable for you day to day?

why are you even posting this? you're not going to leave him..
you're husband is pathetic trash, cant even look after 1 child by himself for 24 hours, what a loser

You need to be very aware that your child could suffer shaken baby syndrome if he lashes out in one of his "unable to cope" moments.

I think the only way forward, if you stay with him, is to make him do 100% of the child duties while you're around. He can be the main caregiver so that he gets practise settling the kids while you're close by.

As others have said, his ineptitude is blatant control behaviour designed to stop you going out at all. So he'll probably come up with every excuse under the sun not to do main childcare for practise.

Personally I wouldn't stay. Hitting out at inanimate objects is a weakness I don't accept in people. It's violent and is designed to cause fear about "what if". Be an adult and control your emotions.