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Original poster

DH punching floor

127 replies

NC0003 · 27/08/2023 14:42

NC. Will try not to drip feed but I’m in a bit of a rush so apologies for any typos, I’ll try to condense this. I’m nervous as I’m so worried this is outing but I have to get it off my chest.

I should mention I have some trauma and have MH support around that so not sure if my judgement is off or if I’m overreacting.

DH and I have 2 DC. DC1 is 4 and DC2 is under 6 months.

I had a trip planned, 3 + hours away by bus. DH had encouraged me to go as I was only going for 1 night/ 1 full day. It was for a celebration. We agreed that DC1 would stay with family as DH finds it easier with only 1 to look after.
While I was away DH rang and was very upset, he was frustrated and angry and said he couldn’t do it anymore, that he hated our DC and that he had punched the floor a ‘few times’ because he was so frustrated that DC2 wouldn’t sleep.
After that call I got the next train home and was back in about 2 hours and in that time I asked someone to go help my DH so he wasn’t struggling on his own.

Once home he apologized and said he didn’t hate our DC, he was just angry. We had a disagreement as I said that level of anger is uncontrolled and shouldn’t be happening. I got quite emotional and cried as I was shocked and sad for my DC. He said I was turning his stressful time into something about me and my trip away. (I was disappointed I had to come home so suddenly and miss the celebration so maybe he was right).

I have tried to help him in the past and got him enrolled on a parenting course, but it doesn’t start for months and months due to waiting lists. I got him to the GP about some physical problems in the hope that would help but so far it hasn’t. He has never done anything like this before. He’s been frustrated yes, but it scared me that he felt the need to punch the floor and now his hand is swollen.

I've probably made this sound worse than it is and I probably shouldn't have gone away as DC2 is young but he is otherwise great and I thought it would all be fine. He just gets frustrated sometimes and says he can’t cope but not to that extent. I love him. I am just scared and angry at him. I am equally angry at myself for leaving my DC with him now too.

Not sure what I want from this post. I guess I’m wondering am I overreacting? I don’t know what to say to him and I certainly don’t know what to do.
And I am just worried all the time now.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Autieangel · 28/08/2023 04:24

Not over reacting.

He can't cope so he needs to get help - anger management / counselling etc to be able to cope. No he shouldn't be left alone with children if he gets that angry.

On the one hand it's good he's telling you but could it be manipulation to get you home?

misssunshine4040 · 28/08/2023 05:42

@Codlingmoths why bother doing all this? What kind of life is that?
She needs to get out of there and document what happened so he does t get unsupervised access

Original poster
NC0003 · 28/08/2023 06:14

Thank you for replying.
Sorry, I'm feeling quite overwhelmed by all the response to this thread.
I'll read through it properly when I can and when I feel safe to do so.

DH has been great (apart from looking after DC alone becuase he finds it hard) then we had DC2 and he got quick to anger. He has never hit anything or anyone and foolishly I've tried speaking to him countless times in the hope it would help. He just says he is sorry and then gets defensive.

He is very calm, considerate and kind when with others or if others are around, he has lots of friends and goes out with them etc just at home he can be different and then I feel like I can't tell anyone because I'm scared I won't be beleived. But, it's not about me, it's about the DC so I'm going to speak to my therapist about it, because obviously it cannot continue.

OP posts:
HorsePlatitudes · 28/08/2023 06:17

Your trauma certainly won’t heal while you live with this angry little man baby.

babyproblems · 28/08/2023 06:24

JogginAintGinnaHappen · 27/08/2023 14:48

Poor man can't cope with more than one child, is so frustrated he hits the floor in a rage. Fuck that bullshit and his shit poor me, it's my fault BUT YOU WENT OUT. You arranged for help for him with the one child - he's a parent it's his life to deal with the children.

Leave the relationship. You and you're kids deserve and need better than him. Don't listen to his bullshit, next he'll be blaming you for the salty taste of the sea!

This 100000%.
He’s an absolute twat op, a shit father and a shit partner to you.
I can’t believe he cannot look after his own kids for one night without help and even then blames you!!!! Please tell someone in real life about this. This is not normal and not ok!!!

Redruby2020 · 28/08/2023 06:37

NC0003 · 28/08/2023 06:14

Thank you for replying.
Sorry, I'm feeling quite overwhelmed by all the response to this thread.
I'll read through it properly when I can and when I feel safe to do so.

DH has been great (apart from looking after DC alone becuase he finds it hard) then we had DC2 and he got quick to anger. He has never hit anything or anyone and foolishly I've tried speaking to him countless times in the hope it would help. He just says he is sorry and then gets defensive.

He is very calm, considerate and kind when with others or if others are around, he has lots of friends and goes out with them etc just at home he can be different and then I feel like I can't tell anyone because I'm scared I won't be beleived. But, it's not about me, it's about the DC so I'm going to speak to my therapist about it, because obviously it cannot continue.

You are doing what both myself and thousands of women have done in similar circumstances, you are minimising his behaviour by what you say in the second and third paragraphs.

Minewaslikethat · 28/08/2023 06:44

My H was like that. He has autism and the demand of children overwhelm him and he becomes ‘dis regulated’. He also has very poor mindsight so is unable to to understand the children’s behaviour, how to attune to them, how to de-escalate a situation with them, or to understand the impact of his behaviour on them.

if your H is similar I pity you. It’s extremely hard. To parent with someone like this.

Hibiscrubbed · 28/08/2023 07:28

I've probably made this sound worse than it is and I probably shouldn't have gone away as DC2 is young

You did nothing wrong.

He is a very, very poor parent and has behaved in such a way so as to manipulate you into never going away again, out of fear of his behaviour, plus he’s probably successfully managed to frighten you into expecting considerably less of him as a parent…

So he’s had a ‘win’.

Hibiscrubbed · 28/08/2023 07:31

He can cope, he just doesn’t want to, and is going to great lengths to ensure you never ask him to parent his own children properly again. He’s despicable.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/08/2023 07:32

NC0003 · 28/08/2023 06:14

Thank you for replying.
Sorry, I'm feeling quite overwhelmed by all the response to this thread.
I'll read through it properly when I can and when I feel safe to do so.

DH has been great (apart from looking after DC alone becuase he finds it hard) then we had DC2 and he got quick to anger. He has never hit anything or anyone and foolishly I've tried speaking to him countless times in the hope it would help. He just says he is sorry and then gets defensive.

He is very calm, considerate and kind when with others or if others are around, he has lots of friends and goes out with them etc just at home he can be different and then I feel like I can't tell anyone because I'm scared I won't be beleived. But, it's not about me, it's about the DC so I'm going to speak to my therapist about it, because obviously it cannot continue.

'It's not about me' - you're worth caring about and living in a safe home too

He doesn't do it to friends- more evidence it's a deliberate choice to do at home

I might not be believed- perhaps not all his friends will believe it but that's not your problem, you only need a couple of your close family or friends to believe you that you feel unsafe in your home to help you x

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/08/2023 07:32

Hibiscrubbed · 28/08/2023 07:31

He can cope, he just doesn’t want to, and is going to great lengths to ensure you never ask him to parent his own children properly again. He’s despicable.

Agree

Original poster
NC0003 · 28/08/2023 07:34

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/08/2023 07:32

'It's not about me' - you're worth caring about and living in a safe home too

He doesn't do it to friends- more evidence it's a deliberate choice to do at home

I might not be believed- perhaps not all his friends will believe it but that's not your problem, you only need a couple of your close family or friends to believe you that you feel unsafe in your home to help you x

Show quote history

Thank you.

You're right, I don't need everyone to believe me.
Will get ducks in a row. But not sure where to start! Or what that even entails but I'll seek some advice.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 28/08/2023 07:37

He doesn't sound like one of life's copers.
It's you that should be punching the floor because you're now likely left doing the vast majority of the child rearing as a LP.

greyhairnomore · 28/08/2023 09:02

He obviously does this 'can't cope' act every time you go out because he's a controlling twat.
I'd say leave him and tell him why.

GoingInsaneAhhh · 28/08/2023 09:22

What a pathetic man! Talk about a drama queen. Yes having a little kid is hard and, if he normally does fuck all and is then asked to step up and cant cope, its just terrible behaviour. Punching the floor in anger, you having to cut your night out short because of this?! Wtf. Get rid. Absolutely waste of space

Iamanisland · 28/08/2023 09:49

He has never hit anything or anyone

He punched the floor. Hitting objects is recognised in risk assessments for domestic abuse because it's a physically abusive, it's a demonstration of power and control. He can behave well when he chooses to so is in control of his own behaviour.

SpringIntoChaos · 28/08/2023 11:32

Turniptracker · 27/08/2023 20:30

It sounds like he might have post natal depression. I had similar symptoms (as a first time mum). Rage can be a symptom, it's not just feeling sad and low

WTAF??? 🤦‍♀️ I thought I'd already reached peak 'menz' but this has seriously tipped me over!

Man is a cunt...woman makes excuse for his shitty behaviour by saying he 'might be post-natally depressed' 🤔

Can women not even keep their crappy post-childbirth mental health issues now? Are men even claiming this? Fucking insane!

BoohooWoohoo · 28/08/2023 12:35

Not doing it in front of others is a major red flag and proof that he knows that his behaviour is completely unacceptable rather than genuine inability to cope.

A man who can't cope with the kids isn't going to ask for much contact. I've read stories on here about men sending kids home within the hour because they are so crap.

Crikeyalmighty · 28/08/2023 13:01

@NC0003 I feel for you as you are trying to reconcile the fact that you have been dealt a shit sandwich. Someone posted on here once and it really rang home, that if you were given a sandwich that was 95% great but had5% pure human shit in it- it would still taste totally of shit.

Now if that 5% was that he did bugger all housework but 95% was great you might find that you were prepared to live with that to get the 95% great, if however the 5% is chronic gambling, alcoholic or as in your cases total inability to parent- you have to decide is that 5% something you can live with or be prepared to put up with because not only would I find it annoying as f* that I couldn't ever go anywhere without the children when there was a perfectly able person at home who just chose to opt out of child care , I would in all honesty find that I was no longer interested in him and find him a bit of a pathetic loser- would be totally different if he had a disability but he doesn't. He chooses to be like this to stop you actually daring to do anything fun by yourself.

truthhurts23 · 28/08/2023 13:24

NC0003 · 28/08/2023 06:14

Thank you for replying.
Sorry, I'm feeling quite overwhelmed by all the response to this thread.
I'll read through it properly when I can and when I feel safe to do so.

DH has been great (apart from looking after DC alone becuase he finds it hard) then we had DC2 and he got quick to anger. He has never hit anything or anyone and foolishly I've tried speaking to him countless times in the hope it would help. He just says he is sorry and then gets defensive.

He is very calm, considerate and kind when with others or if others are around, he has lots of friends and goes out with them etc just at home he can be different and then I feel like I can't tell anyone because I'm scared I won't be beleived. But, it's not about me, it's about the DC so I'm going to speak to my therapist about it, because obviously it cannot continue.

So he’s not “great” then, he is “great” until things don’t go his way
that’s not a good husband or father
he ruined your only night out because he couldn’t look after his child , don’t you find it pathetic ?

caringcarer · 28/08/2023 13:30

What a loser your DH is. He can't cope with one child and is unsafe to be around them on his own. You organise parenting courses but he doesn't go. He hates his own children. You'd be better off without him OP. He's dead weight and not contributing as a parent. I'd bin him off. You have every right to go to a family celebration. You realise if you stay with him he won't change.

Turfwars · 28/08/2023 17:15

The mark of a "Great" father is that he's able to cope happily with all his kids at any given time. This specimen couldn't manage a couple of hours.

He was angry and resented you for being away and making him do his job as a father for once. He punished you and your baby because of it. Next time he'll do worse.

billy1966 · 28/08/2023 18:24

Classic abuser, street angel, house thug.

Because he is a thug.

The only people you need are those that you care about.

Reach out to them.

Turniptracker · 03/09/2023 14:47

Well I've clearly triggered some people. Ok don't call it pnd call it a depressive episode triggered by life being turned on its head by the arrival of a second child. It doesn't have to be woman specific. All I know is that what op described her husband doing is similar to what I experienced at the peak of my pnd. I punched the floor in frustration too. I hated my husband and my child. I was in a dark place. With therapy and tablets I am much much better now. Had this post been written about me by my husband he would've been told to never leave me alone with our child and that he should leave me and I'm dangerous. None of which is the case, I just had a mental illness I needed help with. I'm just looking at the situation from a slightly different perspective. Perhaps with therapy and medication he would also cope a lot better.

SammyScrounge · 18/03/2024 01:10

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 27/08/2023 14:52

I've probably made this sound worse than it is and I probably shouldn't have gone away as DC2 is young but he is otherwise great and I thought it would all be fine.

You have not made this sound worse than it is. Your husband is incapable of being left in charge of his own children for one night without flying into a rage, punching things and injuring himself. You should have every right to have a night awat, but in your position I would now not trust him to be left in sole charge of your dc.

He manipulated you into coming home right away. You missed the celebration, and know now that.you won't go away again because he can't be trusted not to fly into a rage.Maybe he would hit the baby another time and it would be your fault. So you will stay at home in future.
Do you feel the world closing in on you?
Do you really want to live like this?