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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is an aggressive and dangerous driver

169 replies

Oysterbabe · 27/08/2023 07:32

DH's driving is awful. I don't think I've ever been in a car journey with him longer than 20 minutes without him getting into some kind of altercation with another driver. Any slight perceived error on their part and he's flashing his lights and gesturing, he can't just roll his eyes and let it go. I find it absolutely mortifying, he's an embarrassment. He's had 2 very minor scrapes in the last year, both his fault that he still blames on the other driver.

Yesterday I think was the worst incident so far and has sparked this post. On a roundabout a car just stopped in front of us. I'm sure they had a reason, but I'm don't know what it was. DH stopped, no collision, all fine. Except he was furious, 'why did they just stop?!?!' We followed them on to the motorway at which point he overtakes them at speed, pulls back in front and starts erratically braking 'let's see how they like it' I was so angry and also terrified and shouted at him and told him he can't behave like that with our children (5 and 7) in the car. It doesn't matter what I say to him, he can do no wrong and doesn't change.

I don't know what I can do really. I want to ban him from ever driving the children anywhere but don't see that I can do that. Yesterday felt like the last straw, this has to stop somehow.

OP posts:
Ivyy · 27/08/2023 14:18

Also following 🙁

Jammylou · 27/08/2023 14:41

I would flat refuse to get in the car with him and refuse to let the children with him.
Priority here is your childrens safety and he is compromising that.
Hrs sounds a completely irrational person who needs anger management counselling.
I'd give him ultimatums.
That or leave him.

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 14:53

He’s creating conflict, then. Absolute cunt.

Puts an even worse slant on his pushing your baby out into the road to stop the car, it rather suggests he hoped they’d plough into her so he could be vindicated in his role as the wronged party.

I said it before and I’ll say it again, he’s a total substandard cunt of a man.

medianewbie · 27/08/2023 15:17

Wanderingowl · 27/08/2023 11:16

Then what. She leaves him and he gets at least 30% custody where he has free reign to endanger them as much as he wants without anyone to even try to step in? Seriously. It's not the 80s anymore. The courts prioritise a father's right to custody over the safety of the children.

Show quote history

That's why I stayed trapped as long as I did (I don’t recommend it btw, but it's exactly why I did). I've been thinking about this thread all morning ...
My exH lost his car & his bus driving licence (thus his job) last year. He suffers from anxiety & depression & told me this was why. Is there any way I could find out if there was more to it ? I don't want to 'invade his privacy' (I don't want anything to do with him) but I can see him getting his car licence back at some point (why would dvla take that away for anxiety & depression?) & suggests he drives my (older but ASD) kids. I don’t want him driving them ever.

LightDrizzle · 27/08/2023 15:20

Also don’t describe him to his face as an aggressive driver, he probably think that’s a badge of honour, describe him as a shit driver, which he is.

pikkumyy77 · 27/08/2023 15:22

Nothing makes up for this revolting behavior. You can’t eat the meal once you know there is poison in it—even if you think its only in ten percent, or one percent, of the food. You have to throw the whole thing out.

Possible outcomes if leaving: he becomes more hateful or he realizes that he has jeopardized his happiness and he works to change himself.

Possible outcomes of staying: he becomes more hateful and eventually ends up killing or injuring another person or being killed or injured himself.

He will NEVER self correct unless the pain of his experience is greater than the pain of working to correct his behavior.

FrancescaContini · 27/08/2023 15:32

Prelapsarianhag · 27/08/2023 12:10

If he endangered my child I would never forgive him.

He’s endangering us all. For all we know, this is our next door neighbour.

medianewbie · 27/08/2023 15:33

Sorry, don't want to derail thread (but as OP shares kids with this guy it may be her down the line if he refuses to address things) I just wonder if I got the whole truth at the time. Once you stop trusting someone over basic safety you can never trust them again.

medianewbie · 27/08/2023 15:40

FrancescaContini · 27/08/2023 15:32

He’s endangering us all. For all we know, this is our next door neighbour.

Show quote history

Agreed. I thought long & hard about reporting exH whilst we were still together. The reason I didn't is because I realised he only did it when I was in the car as a method of bullying me. He was able to hold down a PCV job OK (it was years after we split that he lost his PCV). OP do you think he's driving like this all the time, or just when with you to frighten you? (sorry if you've answered)

Kimberjem · 27/08/2023 16:12

This was once of the tiny factors I left my exh for. The feeling of terror every time I got in the car was just awful - became so much worse after dc. I was delighted when he got banned from driving for doing 130 on a motorway as it means he needs to be more careful now. Every time my dc are going on a long journey with him I am terrrified - his first wife said the same about dsc.
His anger also translated everywhere else but with driving my life and my babies were constantly flashing before my eyes. Even though my dp is nothing like this - I am still a nervy passenger (I never was before).
I think this type of behaviour is always symptomatic of an abusive person - I would be amazed if there are any examples where men behave like this in a car but are not abusive in other ways.

BeMoreBarbie · 27/08/2023 16:24

Kimberjem · 27/08/2023 16:12

This was once of the tiny factors I left my exh for. The feeling of terror every time I got in the car was just awful - became so much worse after dc. I was delighted when he got banned from driving for doing 130 on a motorway as it means he needs to be more careful now. Every time my dc are going on a long journey with him I am terrrified - his first wife said the same about dsc.
His anger also translated everywhere else but with driving my life and my babies were constantly flashing before my eyes. Even though my dp is nothing like this - I am still a nervy passenger (I never was before).
I think this type of behaviour is always symptomatic of an abusive person - I would be amazed if there are any examples where men behave like this in a car but are not abusive in other ways.

He needs to be more careful? Was that not an instant ban?

billy1966 · 27/08/2023 16:36

I cannot believe that you or any woman would continue to live with a man who would use their children as a human barrier and put them in repeated danger.

Your poor children.

One parent playing roulette with their lives and the other watching it and allowing it to happen repeatedly.

Completely unbelievable.

How can you possibly allow this?

Neither of you are normal parents.

If you cared for your children you would report what he has done to the police, not be on MN.

Report him to the police.

This is repeated child endangerment.

Your poor children.

Kimberjem · 27/08/2023 16:40

Yes it was an instant ban - I meant when he could drive again

Acornsoup · 27/08/2023 16:43

I wouldn't get in a car with him or allow him to drive my DC. It's only a matter of time before he injure himself or worse another family. You should be able to talk to him about this. If not and this is part of a larger abusive story (it usually is) get your ducks in a row. He is not a nice man.

BeMoreBarbie · 27/08/2023 16:52

Kimberjem · 27/08/2023 16:40

Yes it was an instant ban - I meant when he could drive again

Ah I see! Thank you for confirming. Crazy speeds there and with so many bad drivers could easily end catastrophically.

BurnToastAgain · 27/08/2023 16:57

What on earth am I reading? How many unhinged, violent men are around these days? I’ll ask my usual question - does this repulsive specimen have a diagnosed personality disorder?

ThereIbledit · 27/08/2023 17:22

I think you're too close to the situation to see it clearly OP.

Hell would freeze over before I let myself or my children travel in a car with him again without SERIOUS reform. That would absolutely involve some kind of appropriate course being taken and completed on his behalf and probably therapy or something too.

It's almost like you're downplaying his recklessness to say that he's endangering you and the children. It only takes one error of judgement, once for the driver behind the wheel to have had a glass of wine or a toke of a joint, be overdue an eyetest, be an older person who is still legally fit to drive but has naturally slower reactions, or just be tired at the end of a long journey/had a sleepless night with their kid, for them to be that teeny tiny bit less reactive to hitting the brakes in time and your child(ren) will be dead, or brain damaged for the rest of their lives.

A father's job is to protect his family. He is endangering the woman he allegedly love most in the whole wild world and his precious children. And to what end? To protect his damn precious ego.

Do whatever you want with this information, but as a mother your job first and foremost is to protect your kids. He should be doing it but he's not - you need to step up for their sakes.

IamSaved · 27/08/2023 18:51

At the very least, you should never allow your children into a car that he is driving.

There are so many different factors that he doesn't control when behaving like this that could put your children into danger.

I'm sorry but he is a piece of shit.

Nanny0gg · 27/08/2023 19:11

Oysterbabe · 27/08/2023 07:44

I have been thinking that I really hope the other car reports him and that if he asked me to lie to the police about it I wouldn't, I would tell the truth.

Show quote history

Why are you with him?

He clearly has no regard for the safety of you and your children

Luxell934 · 27/08/2023 19:56

Sounds like he will cause a serious accident one day. You and your children could be in the car at the time. Think long and hard about that OP.

CherryPieMadness · 27/08/2023 20:00

Putting you and your kids in danger is not OK at all. I think people like that don’t respond to gentle nudging, they need to be shocked and made to attend a safety course. So I would report this as high as possible, to the police. I’d refuse to go in the car, ever and refuse to let your kids go into the car.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/08/2023 20:07

I can understand why you might be nervous about confronting this issue with your dh, @Oysterbabe - it sounds as if you have to walk on eggshells around him, and he could kick off if you try to tell him some home truths.

But someone does need to tell him that he is a dangerous driver, and the only reason he hasn’t caused an accident or even injured/killed his wife and children, is sheer dumb luck. Could you get someone else to talk to him about it - or at least to be with you whilst you raise it? Is there anyone else who has witnessed his dangerous behaviour who would be willing to do this?

CherryPieMadness · 27/08/2023 20:09

Talking to a domestic violence organisation or women’s aid would be a very good first step - just talk to them about this one issue at first and ask their advice about how to keep you and your kids safe from his driving. They will probably be the most appropriate agency. Don’t tell him and do it safely by clearing your history etc.

fetchacloth · 27/08/2023 20:17

ZekeZeke · 27/08/2023 07:36

Why dont you say I'm driving and take the keys.
Is he like this in other areas of his life or just when driving? If he can control his temperature in other areas of his life then he is deciding to just be an aggressive asshole behind the wheel.

Edited

This.

My ex husband behaved exactly the same as this, so for the last couple of years of our marriage I did the driving.
He had a serious anger management issue which he refused to deal with and frankly I didn't feel safe in the car whilst he was driving 🙄