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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is an aggressive and dangerous driver

169 replies

Oysterbabe · 27/08/2023 07:32

DH's driving is awful. I don't think I've ever been in a car journey with him longer than 20 minutes without him getting into some kind of altercation with another driver. Any slight perceived error on their part and he's flashing his lights and gesturing, he can't just roll his eyes and let it go. I find it absolutely mortifying, he's an embarrassment. He's had 2 very minor scrapes in the last year, both his fault that he still blames on the other driver.

Yesterday I think was the worst incident so far and has sparked this post. On a roundabout a car just stopped in front of us. I'm sure they had a reason, but I'm don't know what it was. DH stopped, no collision, all fine. Except he was furious, 'why did they just stop?!?!' We followed them on to the motorway at which point he overtakes them at speed, pulls back in front and starts erratically braking 'let's see how they like it' I was so angry and also terrified and shouted at him and told him he can't behave like that with our children (5 and 7) in the car. It doesn't matter what I say to him, he can do no wrong and doesn't change.

I don't know what I can do really. I want to ban him from ever driving the children anywhere but don't see that I can do that. Yesterday felt like the last straw, this has to stop somehow.

OP posts:
Ibetthatyoulookgoodon · 27/08/2023 08:05

@Colinfromaccounts read the chimp paradox! It’s all about why people behave like this (driving us where it often manifests). It’s about which bit of the brain we are using and the OP is right, it’s about ego.

Moistbushes · 27/08/2023 08:11

My DC have both passed their driving tests within the last year the thought of them coming across a driver like your DH terrifies me. I’d be scared but at least I’ve had years of driving practice he could easily cause new drivers to crash.

You can’t control anything he does no matter what you do. You can only control your reaction to it and consequent behaviour. Do you really want your DC growing up walking on eggshells around your DH like his parents and obviously you do? It’s terrifying to actively take steps to change how you react to his behaviour but somehow you have to find the courage or you might not all survive the next time.

Do you really want to be sat in a car with him driving realising something awful is going to happen to you and your DC in the moment and there’s nothing you can do about it other than sit there and wait those few seconds before a car crash, wishing you’d taken a firmer stance?

Dery · 27/08/2023 08:11

The fact that he will put the children in harm’s way to make a point is really terrifying. He needs serious therapy. If his parents are on eggshells around him, that’s a real problem. Sounds like he’s been bullying people for decades.

TheInterceptor · 27/08/2023 08:11

'He would rather we all die than he lose his right of way.'

Read that over and over until it fully sinks in. Then divorce him.

JanieEyre · 27/08/2023 08:12

He really needs to be referred to therapy for his anger and self esteem issues. Can you say he must never drive your children or take them out near a road unless and until he has had this? Honestly, that thing about shoving the pram into the road makes my blood run cold.

ManchesterGirl2 · 27/08/2023 08:27

I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone like this.

Does he get angry at you and the kids too?

PermanentTemporary · 27/08/2023 08:27

Jesus God, this is bad. Not sure how you're living with him at all. Using his children as weapons to project his ego is seriously funked up.

I like the sound of the Road Rage course but I'd only really trust it if it was taught by a woman if I'm honest. Not because men can't be calm drivers - quite the opposite - but I'd be amazed if his ego would kick off in quite the same way if driving with a man. I hope I'm wrong. Also 2.5 hours is surely a typo for 2.5 years, yes? It could take a very long time to reprogram his ego.

Mummy08m · 27/08/2023 08:28

Oysterbabe · 27/08/2023 07:46

He does, he can be quite an angry person. I notice it particularly with his parents, they walk on eggshells around him and he will shout at his dad if he does any small thing that he disagrees with.

Show quote history

Gosh this is so bad as well. I'm sure your kids are on eggshells around him too.

He reminds me of my dad. The best thing my mum ever did was leave him. For that alone she deserves a medal.

I could bore you with some of my dad's road rage incidents- in one, he was driving a motorbike without a helmet and got pulled over by a policeman. He hurled abuse at the policeman, accusing him of racism (told me all this afterwards in righteous anger, and anyway he's white and so was the policeman, my dad just had a tan at the time, I cannot roll my eyes enough) and got a magistrate court summons or whatever it's called. Also tried to blame me because the errand he was on, when riding without the helmet, was buying me a cake.

I can laugh about him now we're NC.

If your H won't go on a road rage course as pp suggested, leave him. Or leave him anyway. Your kids will thank you when they're older

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 08:31

He’s a horrible, inadequate little twat. But knowingly endangering your children to prop up his own pathetic ego is unforgivable.

I’d want to report him to the police myself. I’d take footage of his driving.

Jifmicroliquid · 27/08/2023 08:32

What a disgusting human being.
Why would you want to stay with an idiot who endangers your children?

ThePoetsWife · 27/08/2023 08:34

He would rather we all die than he lose his right of way.

Then why are you with him?

lurchermummy · 27/08/2023 08:36

You sound scared of him, his parents sound scared of him, I imagine his children are scared of him. He's a bully. He doesn't sound like the kind of man who would willingly read a book like the chimp paradox and take anything from it. He'd probably think it referred to other people. He sounds horrible OP sorry.

NoSquirrels · 27/08/2023 08:36

He needs counselling for his anger issues. I’d make that a non-negotiable of staying married to him.

Original poster
Oysterbabe · 27/08/2023 08:36

ManchesterGirl2 · 27/08/2023 08:27

I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone like this.

Does he get angry at you and the kids too?

Not really with me. I think it's because he knows that I won't immediately roll over and say whatever it takes to appease him like his parents, I'll always hold my ground and call him out if I think he's wrong.
He is a more strict and shouty parent than I am, but I would say it's within the realms of normal. The children have a good relationship with him, they aren't scared of him or anything.

OP posts:
BlueMoe · 27/08/2023 08:37

Oysterbabe · 27/08/2023 07:48

Honestly I think he has low self esteem.

Show quote history

I have been where you are, OP. The need to dominate, victim framed as “not going to be bullied”/“not going to be told what to do”.

I laughed at the “why don’t you drive”- I was permitted to drive when he wanted a free hand at criticising everything that I did as in every gear change was wrong, every indication was too early/late, I was always driving too fast or too slow, plus erratically. And it will be the same for you.

It doesn’t get better, the angry young man, by turns becomes an angry resentful middle aged man. He might even get as far as admitting he’s “A Grump” but it doesn’t actually touch the sides of his actual behaviour.

Presumably you have to protect the children already from the worst of him, but once that 7 year old gets into pre-teen or teen years and are actually defiant..

It makes not a whit of difference whether it’s low self-esteem or psychopathy that is the kernel of his character. You and your children are living under the cosh of an angry man.

One day you will leave, that much I promise you. Deep down, you know it already. I know it takes time to get everything lined up, and you have to ratchet up your bravery to do it. But honestly don’t throw your kids’ childhoods to him, he doesn’t appreciate the good things he has and treats them as worthless.

In the meantime, try to assess if being quietly cool would mediate the worst of him. Does he expect you to keep his aggressive driving a secret, or if you nonchalantly said in front of friends “God, I need a stiff drink, he was channeling Kenneth Noye again, I’m going to have to get a bicycle!”.
I told no-one until I was almost out how angry a man he was- but people had seen anyway.

madeinmanc · 27/08/2023 08:44

Bloody hell, I'm an inexperienced and hesitant driver and if he pulled that stunt when I was driving we could all end up in a car wreck!

Original poster
Oysterbabe · 27/08/2023 08:48

I do take on board all the
Why did you marry him
Why don't you leave him
comments.

If he was as bad as this at the start I wouldn't have married him. He has got worse as he's aged. Also before children being a bit of a bad driver wasn't as much of an issue. I would never have dreamed that he would endanger our future children. I had naively assumed that he would do whatever it takes to protect them.

Leaving would be very difficult but it may be where we are headed eventually if he can't recognise and address his behaviour. This wouldn't be better for the children in that he would still have them a reasonable amount and I wouldn't be there to help mitigate his behaviour.

OP posts:
FrancescaContini · 27/08/2023 08:49

Your children “aren’t scared of him” - perhaps they’re immune to his anger. That itself is terrifying. Can’t you see the longer term implications here, for them?

oldestmumaintheworld · 27/08/2023 08:50

Why on earth have you stayed married to this man? He's aggressive and a dangerous driver. He's nasty to his parents and behaves badly towards your children. I think you need to have a long hard look at your marriage.

TheAverageJoanne · 27/08/2023 08:58

I changed my car recently because despite passing its MOT - that I think was carried out by Stevie Wonder - it kept jerking back and kangarooing. I had to crawl on roundabouts to get the speed up and take it very slow turning corners. I was terrified of idiots like the OP's husband. You don't just stop on a roundabout for the fun of it or to piss off other drivers.

This man is unfit to be a father, husband or car driver. I'd be terrified for my children if I were you.

FoodFann · 27/08/2023 08:58

It’s a form of abuse

PermanentTemporary · 27/08/2023 08:59

I do think the number of people staying married to their partner because of what they fear would happen if the partner was looking after the children solo is underestimated.

What about asking him if he would just stop driving with the children? Quite a neutral question. He's clearly not able to control his emotions around them, but the risks are a bit less if he doesn't strap them into a car and drive them himself.

madeinmanc · 27/08/2023 09:00

Also before children being a bit of a bad driver wasn't as much of an issue. I would never have dreamed that he would endanger our future children.

Oh, so it's perfectly fine to endanger everyone else, just not your children?

Lovehearts82 · 27/08/2023 09:04

He pushed your DDs pram in front of a car at a zebra crossing because he didn't think it was going to stop!
And you are still with him?

TLDRfuckers · 27/08/2023 09:04

He is not fit to be a father, husband, son or driver. What a horrible, stupid and dangerous man.

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