DH is an aggressive and dangerous driver

[Oysterbabe]

DH's driving is awful. I don't think I've ever been in a car journey with him longer than 20 minutes without him getting into some kind of altercation with another driver. Any slight perceived error on their part and he's flashing his lights and gesturing, he can't just roll his eyes and let it go. I find it absolutely mortifying, he's an embarrassment. He's had 2 very minor scrapes in the last year, both his fault that he still blames on the other driver.

Yesterday I think was the worst incident so far and has sparked this post. On a roundabout a car just stopped in front of us. I'm sure they had a reason, but I'm don't know what it was. DH stopped, no collision, all fine. Except he was furious, 'why did they just stop?!?!' We followed them on to the motorway at which point he overtakes them at speed, pulls back in front and starts erratically braking 'let's see how they like it' I was so angry and also terrified and shouted at him and told him he can't behave like that with our children (5 and 7) in the car. It doesn't matter what I say to him, he can do no wrong and doesn't change.

I don't know what I can do really. I want to ban him from ever driving the children anywhere but don't see that I can do that. Yesterday felt like the last straw, this has to stop somehow.

I raised 2 young kids on an A road with a man like this.
He would stop in the middle of this A road to argue a point, push the pram out first etc. I had to do ALL interactions with world outside the house. Exhausting.

He was less aggressive with his driving than your H but still not good at all.
The key point was that whatever happened it wasn't ever his responsibility.
Always the other persons fault, stranger or family. Does this seem familiar?
My (now exH) lost his licence (he had a public driving license too - he lost both).

OP you are going to have to drive at all times or persuade him he has a problem.
If he can't/won't see it, report his driving & let someone else assess it.
He doesn't need to know it was you (I didn't because we'd split by the time it got really bad). Or, you may have to leave as it's clearly a long term (parents) issue.

On the part about if you divorced, then you wouldn't be there to mitigate...start documenting some of this and reporting him to the police so that you have a good case for him not having the children unsupervised. Someone who actively puts children in harm's way shouldn't be looking after them in the first place. It's abusive behaviour.

You and your children are in a physically very dangerous situation.

When I call him out on stuff, like the thing with the pram or with cyclists, he always says 'I knew they would stop' but he doesn't really does he? What if they were distracted by something at the crucial moment and don't stop. It's not a risk any reasonable person would take but it seems like his chimp brain takes over.
I will read that book. I know it's not really it, but the idea that he is behaving like a chimp in those moments seems very fitting.

I know I've painted a very bad picture of him. Most of the time he behaves like a normal person and you can sort of forget about the other stuff. And then he does it again.

You need to start filming him. Especially if you’re heading for divorce, you’ll want evidence of how unfit he is to care for your children.

He needs to do some psychoanalysis of his behaviour to understand what's behind these choices, in order to respond differently.

Key questions therefore, to consider if this is a marriage to stay in are:

• Does he see that there are different ways he could respond to triggers?
• Does he accept his behaviour needs to change?
• Is he willing to put work in so that this behaviour changes?

If you get three answers of "No" to the above, I would be leaving the relationship because it shows a complete lack of emotional maturity needed to be in a relationship.

I am so sorry to do this as you are talking about serious matters, but your dad accusing the police of racism because he had a tan is hilarious!! What a character!

I understand why you are nc but that gave me the giggles.

This isn't about driving in itself, though, is it? He acts out like this when driving because he is in a little, moving box where no one can get at him, so he is free to vent his small-man anger at the world without someone talking back (until they get out of their own cars and come for him).

There is something deeply wrong with him that is far from isolated to driving. He is a cowardly bully - and he knows this behaviour is wrong or he would show his temper in other places where he would be in danger of someone whacking him one. He controls it usually. He lets it out when driving.

I don't know how I would deal with this. He clearly won't listen to you. I think I'd lose all respect and love for a man like this.

Just a reminder that if he gets it wrong and the pavement is actually a shared path (extremely common, they are very often poorly signed and are basically a pavement about which the council has said "this is a shared path") and the cyclist ends up injured or killed, he could end up in prison.

Yeah, but what happens on the day he meets someone just like him, that would happily run over someone else (which would be your child) and then blame them.

What the hell does it say about his character that he would risk his own child being damaged by someone like he is.

The day he pushed my baby in front of a car just to prove a point would have been my last day with him.

I wouldn't leave my child alone with a man who puts them in danger. God forbid anything bad finally happens to them you'd never forgive yourself for allowing it.

From the sounds of it it couldn't happen soon enough.

He's going to get OPs children killed one day from his aggressive psychopathic stunts. I can't believe he pushed the baby's pram in front of a car that looked like it wasn't stopping at a zebra crossing.

Imagine being a child and being in the back of the car while your dad break checks other drivers. How terrifying and awful. I'd know in that moment I don't matter. If the car hits us I'd be the one hit first. What a terrible father.

Even he was a bit sheepish after that one. He said he knew they would stop.

It was obvious that in the moment he was worried he wasn't going to get his right of way and just reacted without thinking about what he was actually doing.

Yep you had to be there, I'm mixed race myself and I just died inside every time he pulled this card and it was more than once, every time someone gave him a perceived slight like on the road or in a queue. He's convinced he looks Algerian specifically (nothing wrong with looking Algerian, handsome men there, but anyway he doesn't, he's just an ordinary white Mediterranean bloke).

Anyway sorry to derail, op!

My dad had (we are nc) mannerisms like thumping the table emphatically when having a rant, or ranting so loudly people would stare... op's dh reminds me of him.

As a child I might not have "seemed scared of him" - I wasn't literally scared of him past a certain age but I dreaded being round him, constantly filtered everything I said so I wouldn't trigger him.

Op, even if he gets partial custody, it'd be so good for your kids not to have to be with him everyday. And before long they can choose not to see him as much anyway.

@Oysterbabe this is the real problem with impulsive anger. he gets angry first and thinks afterwards which 99% of the time is not a problem. However, there will be that 1% and it will happen. Lets hope its someone punching his lights out and only affecting him rather than the death of one of your children eh? He has to change his behaviour, he really does. does this happen at work when someone pisses him off? No, I thought it didnt and that goes to prove he CAN control himself when HE wants to. Its not a case of not thinking. its a case of acting like a toddler and not exercising self control. which he can do at other times and just chooses not to do in his private life. dont you think you and your children deserve better than this?

I was in a relationship with someone who had terrible road rage, he’d swear, follow drivers, cut in front, get out the car and have a go at them etc. In the end I refused to get in a car with him or allow my DCs to be driven by him. One day he kind of learnt his lesson when he argued with another driver who then followed him got out of his car and threatened him with a machete. He’s still alive, thank goodness. I delighted in saying ‘I told you!’

Following with interest! My husband is very clearly a chimp brain based on what I’ve read here. He on the other hand has got better since having children and I think/ hope since being with someone (me!) that generally doesn’t put up with his nonsense. I think his does stem from the shock of racist bullying at school and creating a self protection mentality which leads to the ‘I won’t be bullied/ they are out to get me attitude. What has also helped is switching to a job that requires him to drive for a living- he won’t risk that so driving has calmed right down in the rest of his life too

What a stupid, aggressive man.

If you don't want to leave him, at the VERY least you should just refuse to get in a car with him and certainly don't let your children get in the car. I think this is terrifying and you've normalised it to an extent in your own mind. I can't believe he pushed a pram in front of an oncoming car! Fuck his "low self esteem" - he is behaving recklessly and actually endangering your lives.

Report him to the police anonymously and get a dash cam fitted on the car.

But he didn’t actually know. What if that driver had been distracted /made a mistake/ took offense to your husband calling their bluff.

It’s all about him and his rights, isn’t it. What about other people’s right to not live in fear- oh yeah, that right does not exist in his view.

Please get away from this dangerous man. Call a solicitir for free advice on Tuesday. How scared your poor kids must be. Do not enable this any longer.
He is mentally unstable and will harm you all.

Even he was a bit sheepish after that one. He said he knew they would stop.

It was obvious that in the moment he was worried he wasn't going to get his right of way and just reacted without thinking about what he was actually doing.

This is so far from the realms of rational thought, it’s horrific. It’s almost like he was daring the car to plough through and kill or injure his baby so he’d get the satisfaction of being the wronged party publicly. What the fuck?

It’s also horrific when women feel they have to stay with sub-standard men in order to mitigate their behaviour towards the children.