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Original poster

DH is an aggressive and dangerous driver

169 replies

Oysterbabe · 27/08/2023 07:32

DH's driving is awful. I don't think I've ever been in a car journey with him longer than 20 minutes without him getting into some kind of altercation with another driver. Any slight perceived error on their part and he's flashing his lights and gesturing, he can't just roll his eyes and let it go. I find it absolutely mortifying, he's an embarrassment. He's had 2 very minor scrapes in the last year, both his fault that he still blames on the other driver.

Yesterday I think was the worst incident so far and has sparked this post. On a roundabout a car just stopped in front of us. I'm sure they had a reason, but I'm don't know what it was. DH stopped, no collision, all fine. Except he was furious, 'why did they just stop?!?!' We followed them on to the motorway at which point he overtakes them at speed, pulls back in front and starts erratically braking 'let's see how they like it' I was so angry and also terrified and shouted at him and told him he can't behave like that with our children (5 and 7) in the car. It doesn't matter what I say to him, he can do no wrong and doesn't change.

I don't know what I can do really. I want to ban him from ever driving the children anywhere but don't see that I can do that. Yesterday felt like the last straw, this has to stop somehow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oysterbabe · 27/08/2023 11:33

LightDrizzle · 27/08/2023 10:35

I wouldn’t let him drive the children or me and I’d insist he seeks help if he wanted me to stay with him.

There is a significant risk of him injuring or killing someone soon, himself included, and yes, he also risks coming up against someone angrier and harder than him.

I’ve told this story before on here, but there is a junction on Spring Bank in Hull that I had to use on my commute that was always a pain. It’s a busy two lane road intersected by other streets and while most junctions are traffic light controlled, sometimes with the weight of traffic you don’t even get to move or barely move on your green sequence. I was on one of the intersecting streets waiting to turn in so had a perfect view of what happened. A man in a car was going mad at a big black Merc saloon with tinted dark windows in front of him; blowing his horn, frantic wanker signs, because the Merc had crept forwards then stopped when the lights turned instead of keeping going and potentially blocking the junction like lots of do, so angry man had only moved a few feet on the green as often happens there. Like on a stylised film, all four doors of the Merc opened simultaneously and four very similar looking blokes got out on that busy road and calmly walked to the man’s car. They were very sharply dressed and in smart black wool overcoats (this must be over 15 years ago), all four had bald/ shaved heads, clean shaven, and while not big fathead bouncer types and in their 40s to 50s, they looked fit and hard as fuck. I never saw what happened as the light turned green for me and I was off but I suspect angry man got the fright of his life.

When I told DH that night he said he wondered if it was X and his lot. A well known “businessman” who was not to be messed with. He said they probably just scared him, made him apologise and feel 2 inches tall as they wouldn’t want to waste time with police involvement by smashing up a silly twat like him over road rage in front of 100 witnesses. If it had been me in that car though, when all four doors opened and those four got out and walked towards me, I’d have had a heart attack. It was surreal. I’ve never seen anything similar before or since.

There was one occasion where a car cut in front of him in slow moving traffic. I didn't think he did anything wrong but there was the usual flashing and gesturing from DH. The car just stopped. I thought this was the moment he was going to get his long overdue black eye, but the driver just turned off the engine and crossed his arms, not caring about the traffic building up behind. Eventually DH was able to pull around him, swearing and kicking off the whole time, and the guy just smirked at him as we passed.

OP posts:
sodthesodoff · 27/08/2023 11:55

What?

He thought a car wasn't going to stop so he PUSHED YOUR DAUGHTERS PRAM IN THE ROAD?

he thought it wasn't going to stop. What if it didn't?

He's a ticking time bomb.

Chickenpie35 · 27/08/2023 11:59

Yesterday I think was the worst incident so far and has sparked this post. On a roundabout a car just stopped in front of us. I'm sure they had a reason, but I'm don't know what it was. DH stopped, no collision, all fine. Except he was furious, 'why did they just stop?!?!' We followed them on to the motorway at which point he overtakes them at speed, pulls back in front and starts erratically braking 'let's see how they like it'

This is not normal he needs help and clearly you just might aswel life you let your kids get in a car with him again. Is he small? Small man syndrome? Little willy syndrome? Have to act like a big man? His behaviour is vile his chop on his shoulder is weird and need ro act like the big hard man is strange. Does being in a car give him some kind of boost of confidence bet he wouldn't just speak his mind to another person particularly a man in the street with no barrier such as a car. On a typical road is bad enough but on a motorway is absolutely f**King messed up putting you all kn a position where he could be hit from behind and the first people to take that impact are his children? My bloods boiling honestly I can't bare these People. He sounds like a bully and a control freak and either your being controlled by him or scared of him or both to put up with him or if what you say is true he doesn't behave like this with you as he does his parents and people he knows / thinks he can get away with it with he's a bully and an absolute little shit bag I feel ashamed for him and you sorry get a grip of him or yourself

FlamingYam · 27/08/2023 12:03

The more I read your posts, the more I think he is an arrogant angry bear. I walk out on zebra crossings, sometimes I think that driver wasn't going to stop after but I never never never let DD walk out until the car has stopped. Not using her as a barrier to remind the driver to stop.

I'm angrier than most (trying not to be) but he is another level. He needs help.

Prelapsarianhag · 27/08/2023 12:10

If he endangered my child I would never forgive him.

Dogsitterwoes · 27/08/2023 12:21

Motorways often have cameras.you can report the dangerous driving anonymously and with any luck it'll have some consequences for him.

You really can't let him drive you or the children again, no matter if that's inconvenient.

He's a maniac.

LlynTegid · 27/08/2023 12:25

Never ever get in a car with him again if he is driving. Never let your children go in a car with him if he drives. 100% call the police to stop him taking the children in a car if he drives.

The other issues may be able to be addressed and your relationship survive, but at least ensure you and your children are alive.

fugly1 · 27/08/2023 12:26

Your DH is a twat, people like him need reporting before your kids or someone else gets seriously hurt.

Frogger8395 · 27/08/2023 12:31

How often does your husband do this to cars full of young men? Or vans full of builders?

If he’s anything like my ex, he’s usually doing it to women.

Truemilk · 27/08/2023 12:33

I pulled out of a junction a few days ago, I had LOADS of time and space to pull out but a guy on the road decided to speed up and start flashing and beeping me. It was completely over the top.

He followed me, I parked in shopping area car park, he also parked up but didn't get out of his car and I could see him staring at me in my mirror.

It was only when I got out of the car with a young child and holding a baby did he then drive off.

I acted the whole time like I wasn't even aware he was there and even when I got out of the car with my kids I just laughed and smiled with them and strolled past his car driving off without a care in the world. Which I kind of hope made him feel a bit stupid as I assume he wanted to make me feel threatened and scared.

Honestly, people who behave like this guy and your dh need to be banned from driving

FlamingYam · 27/08/2023 12:40

Frogger8395 · 27/08/2023 12:31

How often does your husband do this to cars full of young men? Or vans full of builders?

If he’s anything like my ex, he’s usually doing it to women.

I had an incident with a man like this not too long ago. I was trying to zipper merge and a lorry in front cut the lane off so I stopped and indicated in. This guy pulled himself level with me and stared "menacingly". Me being me, I asked him if he was ok and he looked away turning his music up so he couldn't hear me anymore.

They get off on threatening us and don't expect any response. You could argue it's better not to give any response and I could have done that but I don't want him going around thinking he can do that to people. I wasn't threatening but clear that I wasn't taking it. Hopefully, he will think next time. But it's a vicious cycle of who will learn, how to respond and how that person responds.

OP, it's almost as if your husband feels slighted elsewhere and needs to behave this way to seek revenge. Is he ok?

AgathaMiss · 27/08/2023 12:41

You say DC aren't affected, but they're learning adult behavior. Think ahead to teenage years when DC have hormones rolling all over them - how can you teach them to manage their temper, when their dad can't do it?

I see clashes between your DH and DS in those years. Teenagers will push buttons and you need to be non-reactive and not sweat the small stuff. Sounds like your DH won't let the small stuff go and will escalate situations.

I think you need a sit down with DH and come up with a plan for him to address this, he needs strategies to manage his reactions. People are not out to get him or wind him up. They are living their own lives and sometimes do stupid things.

Out of interest, are either of his parents quite reactive or think that people are out to annoy them? My ex is very similar to your DH, my exMIL was forever thinking that shop assistants were rude to her. She didn't seem to understand that people have shit going on in their own lives and were not going out of their way to be rude to her specifically.

Note my ex is an ex - I couldn't take his behaviour. He is much better now and I think it's easier for him to manage teenage strops than if we still lived together. He gets a break from DC and wants them to want to see him, so he has learned to temper his behaviour.

pikkumyy77 · 27/08/2023 12:47

Watching this thread.

Original poster
Oysterbabe · 27/08/2023 12:56

Truemilk · 27/08/2023 12:33

I pulled out of a junction a few days ago, I had LOADS of time and space to pull out but a guy on the road decided to speed up and start flashing and beeping me. It was completely over the top.

He followed me, I parked in shopping area car park, he also parked up but didn't get out of his car and I could see him staring at me in my mirror.

It was only when I got out of the car with a young child and holding a baby did he then drive off.

I acted the whole time like I wasn't even aware he was there and even when I got out of the car with my kids I just laughed and smiled with them and strolled past his car driving off without a care in the world. Which I kind of hope made him feel a bit stupid as I assume he wanted to make me feel threatened and scared.

Honestly, people who behave like this guy and your dh need to be banned from driving

This is something he does all the time, speeds up in order to create conflict which would not have happened if he had kept his course or even (😱) eased off when he saw the person obviously emerging ahead.

He would probably say that I'm a people pleaser, and would not be entirely wrong. I think the more he seeks conflict the more I try and avoid it.

OP posts:
StopMindlesslyScrolling · 27/08/2023 13:00

He's putting your children in danger with his reckless driving and erratic behaviour, both of which could lead to accidents.

That doesn't even include what may happen if he angers the wrong person and gets a beating for it (potentially in front of his kids).

You say you can't stop him driving the children, but if they were killed in an accident caused by him, don't you think you would berate yourself for the rest of your life knowing that you could have actually prevented it?

People like your DH shouldn't be allowed to drive, they never think the accident will happen to them/their kids until it does and they realise it was 100% preventable.

Other people's lives (as well as your kids) may actually rely on you getting your H off the road. Please report him and get his driver's license revoked.

Dotcheck · 27/08/2023 13:02

FrancescaContini · 27/08/2023 08:49

Your children “aren’t scared of him” - perhaps they’re immune to his anger. That itself is terrifying. Can’t you see the longer term implications here, for them?

I was going to say this

Chimphusb · 27/08/2023 13:03

AgathaMiss · 27/08/2023 12:41

You say DC aren't affected, but they're learning adult behavior. Think ahead to teenage years when DC have hormones rolling all over them - how can you teach them to manage their temper, when their dad can't do it?

I see clashes between your DH and DS in those years. Teenagers will push buttons and you need to be non-reactive and not sweat the small stuff. Sounds like your DH won't let the small stuff go and will escalate situations.

I think you need a sit down with DH and come up with a plan for him to address this, he needs strategies to manage his reactions. People are not out to get him or wind him up. They are living their own lives and sometimes do stupid things.

Out of interest, are either of his parents quite reactive or think that people are out to annoy them? My ex is very similar to your DH, my exMIL was forever thinking that shop assistants were rude to her. She didn't seem to understand that people have shit going on in their own lives and were not going out of their way to be rude to her specifically.

Note my ex is an ex - I couldn't take his behaviour. He is much better now and I think it's easier for him to manage teenage strops than if we still lived together. He gets a break from DC and wants them to want to see him, so he has learned to temper his behaviour.

Sooo true of my DH, his dad is the reactive one but his mums not quite all there so tends to emulate behaviour. For example, nursery mentioned to me our child pushed some other children. Their reaction was ‘he was probably defending himself!’. Against what?! The other two year olds? This is the mentality my husband has been brought up with. Hard to shake off.

ManchesterGirl2 · 27/08/2023 13:04

Oysterbabe · 27/08/2023 12:56

This is something he does all the time, speeds up in order to create conflict which would not have happened if he had kept his course or even (😱) eased off when he saw the person obviously emerging ahead.

He would probably say that I'm a people pleaser, and would not be entirely wrong. I think the more he seeks conflict the more I try and avoid it.

Show quote history

So it's not even about him being inconvenienced and having to slow down? He'll deliberately speed up to create conflict? Dear God this man gets worse and worse.

PermanentTemporary · 27/08/2023 13:10

I'm not a fan of using therapy jargon in ordinary life (my therapist hardly uses any). It's not 'people pleasing' to look far ahead on the road and see that a small adjustment to your speed would cause traffic to flow better overall. Admittedly it's possible to do that unsafely as well. I actually agree with a pp that an Institute of Advanced Motorists course might genuinely help him. I hope so. It's worrying though that he doesn't only seem to have emotional difficulties when driving.

Alargeoneplease89 · 27/08/2023 13:12

Think he needs anger management, I couldn't cope with such a man child, it's unattractive and dangerous.

Typical observation when I see men like this and they drive a audi, merc, bmw and short/bald.

FlamingYam · 27/08/2023 13:15

@Oysterbabe I'd be really interested to see his response if you told him you'd read a thread on Mumsnet where a lady was asking for help on how to handle her own driving aggression when driving. Something along the lines of "I don't know why I do it but I've just had another journey where I've lost my temper due to someone's poor driving and nearly caused an accident. It happens each time I'm out and I'm starting to think I'm the problem." Use something similar to an event of his so you know he will see where the alleged poster is coming from.

The reason I say this is because (unless I missed it) you haven't said he is even aware this is a problem? But he can't just always think he is in the right AND his behaviour is ok. If he acted like this at work, he wouldn't have a job. He knows but he's not realised the extent to how bad it is, I feel. If you ask this, you'll know what you're working with.

I'm actually really grateful that you've posted this as it's helped to push that fact back to me.

JanieEyre · 27/08/2023 13:18

Oysterbabe · 27/08/2023 09:33

Even he was a bit sheepish after that one. He said he knew they would stop.

It was obvious that in the moment he was worried he wasn't going to get his right of way and just reacted without thinking about what he was actually doing.

Show quote history

Why is the question of whether you're going to get your right of way on a pedestrian crossing even worthy of headspace, let alone something you need to worry about and fight to avoid? I mean, he might have been delayed 10 seconds in going over the crossing, so what?

Most people have worked out by the time they're 20 at the latest that some things just don't matter, and this is one of them. Your DH just doesn't seem to have grown up, he's reacting like at 13 year old. Given that ultimately in his mind this is all about respect, can you try to get it through to him that it impresses absolutely no-one, least of all you and his children?

BeCuriousNotJudgemental · 27/08/2023 13:36

pikkumyy77 · 27/08/2023 12:47

Watching this thread.

Same 😞

Frogger8395 · 27/08/2023 13:55

Why do you still get in the car with him and enable this shit op? You’re being really irresponsible by doing so. He’s actually terrorising you under the guise of road rage. He is literally putting all your lives at risk and you continue to passively allow it by keep getting in the car with him. It has to stop, and the only way it will stop is you no longer get in his car.

I don’t believe for one moment he acts like this on his own. His wife and children are a human shield from any man who might want to challenge him.

https://www.thepersonalgrowthproject.com/blog/the-abuser-in-the-car

Lengokengo · 27/08/2023 13:55

I was in a car 25 years ago with a guy like your DH and his fiancée. I still remember the absolute terror I had due to his awful road rage driving / shouting at other drivers etc. I later, in private advised his fiancée not to marry him. I thought it was such a red flag. Never get in a car with him driving again, and make it inconvenience him.