41- I am pregnant from the first time we had sex

[Pizzapie81]

I will preface this by saying that for several years during my mid to late 30s I tried to get pregnant without any success whatsoever. This was with tracking ovulation etc. I never had it investigated at the time and buried my head in the sand and felt like a failure. Always felt there was something wrong with me.

Anyway, move forward to now and I am 41, almost 42. I met a guy from OLD back in February. We met up a couple of times at that point but he said he wasn’t looking a relationship which I took to mean that he was trying to let me down gently and didn’t find me attractive.

A couple of months ago we got back in touch and started messaging. We agreed to meet up “as friends” even though I still fancied him. I thought that if nothing else a bit of male company and companionship would be appreciated.

To cut a long story short, it turns out that he did find me attractive and we had amazing sex. The first time we had sex we got carried away and neither of us had a condom. I know I will get flamed for this but I honestly thought it would be fine given the hundreds of times I had actively tried to conceive without a single success.

BUT, I have just found out that I am pregnant! I am almost 7 weeks now and don’t know how and when I am going to tell him. I am fairly sure he won’t want to be involved and at least he was upfront from the beginning and gave me no false hope of a relationship. I am definitely keeping the baby whatever the outcome but would just like advice on how to proceed? Would you wait until first scan to let him know? Also, I am aware that I don’t actually know this man very well at all and am wondering if telling him over the phone might be best.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

In the old days you would be trying to arrange a wedding in church before it started showing..... He still might want to marry so I think he should be told but in a neutral way - that you had never expected it to happen given all the attempts in your 30s, that it is definitely his as you have not been with anyone else, that you are happy he does a DNA test when it is born, that it is up to him if he is involved or not but you want to put his name on the birth cert (which I think is the least to which the child is entitled).

If you do like him and he proposes you might be married in a month and living with a husband with child on the way and visiting his family in Europe.

I would do some due diligence on him however from linked in to google and if he owns a property the land registry details, companies house if a UK director etc etc

I was the child who wasn't told who their father was. The father wasn't told either.
My advice is to be open and honest with the father and the child. Your child deserves to know who their father is.
Also (not sure this has been mentioned already) with things like Ancestry DNA nowadays, your child will probably find out their fraternal line either way - who knows how these services will develop in 20 years?!

Avoiding seeing him is a stupid idea sorry. You need to enjoy the honeymoon period and build a relationship with him. Deceit is not telling him at all. Waiting until you know it's a viable pregnancy to tell him isn't deceitful, it's about making a sensible decision to protect yourself and your possible future relationship.

If you tell him after your first scan and he likes you and wants to support you, there is no way on earth he'll bin the relationship on the basis you made a mature decision and waited to tell him.

I think some of these replies are based on how a 20 something might react. You are both grown adults. Make the decision that works for you, enjoy yourself and then the ball's in his court when you decide to tell him.

On the other hand, deliberately denying the child their second parent, wider family and family history would make the Mother a massive arsehole. Why do you think the child doesn't have a right to know where they came from, and who their family is? What gives you the right to decide that for them?

Just to counter the 'he's probably a twat' posts here, a family member accidentally got pregnant by a fling. She found out after they'd gone their separate ways. She told him of course, and 17 years later they're still together with two wonderful boys who have grown up with a fantastic Male role model in their Dad.

Of course you must tell him. You both had sex without protection and knew the risks. I completely understand why you thought it wouldn't happen, I would probably have done the same thing.
I am happy for you, genuinely and really hope things go well. He has the right to be involved if he wants to be and your DC has the right to know who his father is and hopefully have a relationship with him.

Absolutely all this.
I would be telling him, but make it clear that you take full responsibility and are happy for him to have minimal involvement.

In addition, I do family history research and the number of people who feel 'lost' and spend their lives searching for their father is huge, and that feeling can be avoided even if they only ever get a birthday card or £10 at Christmas from their Dad - at least they know they have one.

Hi OP, congratulations!

I'm not sure if anyone else has mentioned this, but if you haven't already I would get a sexual health check.
I have a friend who had a very similar scenario happen a few years ago, with an unprotected hook up from OLD, and she became pregnant but also contracted an STD which meant she had to go for extra checks due to the risk to the baby. She didn't actually realise she had the STD until around 20 weeks.
Thankfully all was okay, but just something you may want to think about if you haven't already.

Congratulations OP - what a wonderfully happy accident for you!

I was in a similar situation aged 40. My advice is - don't rush. Everything feels very intense and urgent now. But its really not so don't rush into anything.

Focus on your well being as #1. If he knows now or later has little impact right now. Its not like you need him to do anything is it?

AS for telling him - that's up to you. Do or don't. Listen to your instincts. Take things slowly and don;t feel pressure. You life and body are dramatically changing - his not so much. In theory if he knows now or in a year its not a massive change to his life. So take your time and do what is best for you and your baby.

Congrats! How exciting.

As others have said - I would just take my time before telling him. You may need to brace for him being less than delighted about becoming a daddy. But he took a risk by having unprotected sex and now he has to be a grownup about the consequences.

I would have to tell him, and before the first scan. I think it unfair to keep it from him and just avoid seeing him. This could ruin your friendship and any support he might want to give.

Also if he continues to date and he meets someone he wants a relationship with then it seems unfair that you then spoil that by throwing in a surprise pregnancy that you've known about for weeks.

I know it was reckless and foolish but I honestly never thought it was possible for me to get pregnant given the reasons outlined.

Hmm and STD’s? Weren’t they a possibility either?

Whats done is done but your child needs to know who their father is. You’ve got some growing up to do.

Call me old fashioned, but I think you need to tell someone that they have a child coming into the world.

Just txt him. Of course you have to tell him, so selfish not to like so many are suggesting.

@GreenMonstersParty

If you want to keep your baby and can manage financially then I wouldn't tell him personally. Then you will be in complete control of what happens going forwards, no custody issues, can live where you want, make all decisions etc.
Good luck

Sounds a bit immoral to me and I’m not sure the kid would thank OP for depriving them even the opportunity of having a dad.

Can't believe the pp saying don't tell him. And people wonder why batshit crazy and mn go hand in hand at times.

Shame on every single one of you

This is a similar situation to how I ended up pregnant, although it was more like a friends with benefits situation. I told him, he wanted to be involved and we now successfully co-parent. I think he has the right to know and the option to be involved if he wants to be.

And to hell with the child's needs !

Congratulations OP!

I would tell him, but after the 12 week scan. And I would tell him face to face. He may not want to be involved, but he also might be a source of support for you as you go through pregnancy, and as you bring up your baby, if you want it.

I’m so happy for you ❤️ he can’t be too mad - if he was really averse to a pregnancy he should’ve put on a condom. It’s an equal responsibility.

please keep us updated on here? Only if you want. There was a thread earlier in the year where the poster found out she was pregnant with another miracle baby, and I think he was born in January. It was so lovely to read the updates throughout the pregnancy 😭

Maybe all these points should be taken into account before you have unprotected sex. This is not about two adults and what they want, it's about what a child needs. If you can't put a child first don't bring one in to this world.

but it isn't just YOUR child is it?

@Maryjaneslastdance Totally agree. Really angers me that people are saying don't tell him. Imagine the sense of betrayal both parties will feel if they found out their mother/other parent took it on themselves to judge what was best and justify it to themselves. It would be depriving them of years of having a meaningful relationship with their own child/other parent, or the opportunity at least. It would be devastating to have such a realisation/discovery further down the line.

It's so hard to know what to do. In general I think a child has a right to know their father. But you say you hardly know him and you do run the risk of him having the child half the time.

My abusive ex got me pregnant in the first few weeks. It was just a way to control me into staying with him. If I could go back in time I would not have told him and split up. My youngest kids dad is an utter arsehole lazy selfish twat but not abusive so I feel like child should know him if only he would make the effort.

Have a really hard think. Is this a good man? You will never know if you made the right decision if you don't tell him but you may live to regret it if you do tell him. You may make the right decision by not telling him and have your kid hate you for denying them an father and poisoned by ex when they meet in later years.

Just really listen to your gut on if he's going to be an acceptable father. Does not have to be good just not harmful. But from my own experience I think if you have any suspicions (and maybe you do for posting the question?) I would not tell him and move away

This board is like the Andrew Tate's of misandry meet up club. The hatred of men is strong and many are more than willing to harm their children to make sure a man suffers / doesn't get to be a father. Do they care what harm that does to their child - no. They are too busy name calling and revelling in how they stuck it to a man and denied him his child. Many on here seem to model themselves after the men on the MRA boards.

As a widowed mom of 2 young children I cannot believe people here that are posting not to tell him. How utterly selfish to deprive your child of their father. My children have had to grow up without any father figure unfortunately but we don't have a choice sadly. You need to put what's best for your child before your own needs. Who's to say anyway that the father won't turn out to be a huge positive part of their lives