41- I am pregnant from the first time we had sex

[Pizzapie81]

I will preface this by saying that for several years during my mid to late 30s I tried to get pregnant without any success whatsoever. This was with tracking ovulation etc. I never had it investigated at the time and buried my head in the sand and felt like a failure. Always felt there was something wrong with me.

Anyway, move forward to now and I am 41, almost 42. I met a guy from OLD back in February. We met up a couple of times at that point but he said he wasn’t looking a relationship which I took to mean that he was trying to let me down gently and didn’t find me attractive.

A couple of months ago we got back in touch and started messaging. We agreed to meet up “as friends” even though I still fancied him. I thought that if nothing else a bit of male company and companionship would be appreciated.

To cut a long story short, it turns out that he did find me attractive and we had amazing sex. The first time we had sex we got carried away and neither of us had a condom. I know I will get flamed for this but I honestly thought it would be fine given the hundreds of times I had actively tried to conceive without a single success.

BUT, I have just found out that I am pregnant! I am almost 7 weeks now and don’t know how and when I am going to tell him. I am fairly sure he won’t want to be involved and at least he was upfront from the beginning and gave me no false hope of a relationship. I am definitely keeping the baby whatever the outcome but would just like advice on how to proceed? Would you wait until first scan to let him know? Also, I am aware that I don’t actually know this man very well at all and am wondering if telling him over the phone might be best.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I'd tell him, don't think I'd wait till the 12 week scan though. It feels a bit dishonest if you keep seeing him, that's 5 weeks of saying nothing. I'd just say it now, get it out of the way and say I'm keeping the baby if you want to be involved, cool and if not then that's up to you. Done.

Really strange thread—most MN threads are adamant about fathers paying their fair share. What’s different here?

Congratulations, OP. Tell him as soon as possible. He might not want to continue the relationship or be involved but your child needs to know about his/her father. And the child deserves full financial support from both parents.

Op tell him right away or whatever your reasons are he will be resentful of you keeping this to yourself. He may even think you were being deceitful if you continue seeing him for next 2 months, and then tell him about the pregnancy.

What is there for you to lose by telling him now versus telling him in 12 weeks?

What you say about him - steady job, still checks on ex with mental illness, treats you well, was upfront about his intentions from start, he seems like a decent guy. He is not a ONS. If you tell him later, any potential of a decent relationship with him in any shape will be jeopardised.

But you say you hardly know him and you do run the risk of him having the child half the time.

And he could say the same about the OP!
Just because a woman physically gives birth (and not the father) doesn't mean she is the perfect mother! Or that she has to be the carer for 100% of the time.

He hardly knows her.
She's having his child.

'Run the risk of having the child half the time

A risk?
Why is that a risk?

Are you saying the child is a possession not to be shared with its biological parents? That the mother 'owns' it?

The child seems to be lost in this debate by some posters.

Just to let you know (and I’m no way connected to your question)
but you’ll be considered a geriatric mother. Don’t worry about this though. I just thought I’d warn you as I was called the same thing and I was horrified!

but don’t let that stop you. I think huge congratulations really.

You can even just say didn't say because you were so sure the pregnancy wasn't going to stick (because of your history).

It would be reasonable in your circumstances to treat being pregnant as an 'oops' condition that will very likely just self-correct (even if you're privately hoping it won't). While waiting for 12 weeks, you don't need to tell him you're going to have a baby, as that's not something you even know to be true.

It would also be reasonable in your circumstances to not even want to think about it as you've been disappointed so much in the past, so it's natural to want to just put it out of your mind. At the moment your body is in a condition that may lead to a baby at some point, but it's your body and you are allowed to keep that knowledge private for a good while longer.

Then use that time to get to know him more. I have a son and I would hate the idea of him having a child and not knowing about it, but at the same time I can understand a pregnant woman keeping a child a secret in an emergency if she has good reason to believe the father could actively be dangerous to them. I think you do need a good reason though.

Seriously, you do need to tell him. Shame on the posters saying otherwise. He has a right to know as the baby’s father & the baby has a right to a life shared with his mother & father. How does anyone know what the man’s response will be? For all we know at this stage he could cry with joy & becomes devoted partner and father. To deny him that chance is cruel

@Pizzapie81
You owe it to this man to let him know about this pregnancy. He may have some doubts that the child is his given the timing of the pregnancy. That would not be an unreasonable initial thought for him to have.

Your child will have a right to know and have a relationship with his or. her father.

He may not wish to become a father and may push for a termination. He should have the right to at least voice his opinion on the subject.

Whatever you decide to do should be done with the awareness that this is a situation that has the potential to create rights and obligations for both of you and have serious impact on the life of a 3rd person. As such, it is a situation in which both parties should be fully and timely informed.

Thats how I’d handle it. I think if you wait until after the 12 week scan it’s then months since this encounter and he’ll be even more taken aback at the fact you’re pregnant. If you tell him now it’s still relatively fresh in his mind and he knows it was a possibility anyway. Even go for a private early scan if it makes you feel better to check there is definitely a heartbeat and a little person in there then let him know. Good luck with it

Congratulations!

Forgive me if I’m repeating what the others have said but there were too many responses to wade through.
You have such a positive attitude, it’ll be hard but you will make it work.
I do think the other party has a right to know. You are now making decisions not just for yourself but your baby. As that child grows up s/he has the right to know it’s parentage.
The guy might surprise you and want to be involved but if not at least you know where you stand.

I have 4 friends whose mothers either didn’t tell the fathers they were a father or the fathers ran off after finding out they were a father.

Two of these were South American men, one was either Greek or Portuguese and the third was black - from Manchester area. The common theme here is 3 were in 1971, working class families and fourth was in 1973. When the women asked their mums about the fathers most were palmed off with a country or in the fourth one, a fake name. The latter woman has spent years trying to trace her father by DNA but failed (her DM died a few years ago) and the others, the Greek/Portuguese father woman luckily she has a great adoptive father who treats her as his own child, but the other two have no idea and it’s affected them in some ways.

So, where possible I would tell the father that he’s a father and keep communication lines open if it’s safe to do so.

This. Absolutely gobsmacked at the “don’t tell him responses”. He has every right to know and to deny a child their father is disgusting. He may not want to be involved, in the other hand he may be over the moon. Whatever he needs to know. When you do that is your choice to make though.

So I would tell him, and tell him soon.
first though I would have my plan all wrapped up and present it like a done deal.

your pregnant and keeping the baby, you are stable and supported to raise the baby but would love and would facilitate him building his own relationship with baby (he can visit every Sunday morning for example)

set up an account In babies name and send him the details with an invite to contribute if he wants too (but be clear that it will be less optional if your financial situation changes as that’s only fair for baby)

I would not put him on birth certificate (he can be added later if you want) and I would give baby your surname. I wouldn’t want him having parental rights at first.

hopefully he is keen and develops a lovely relationship with baby and with you and you can let this grow and relax the “my child first” stance.

Incase he doesn’t want to be an active parent, or he turns out to be a waste of space - I would gather as much info about him, photos, address, parents names and keep them for the future when your child asks. Update them as long as he remains in contact.
If he’s not an active parent I would send regular messages saying “baby and I will be home till 2pm Sunday if you’d like to visit. And send it the first Sunday of every month, even if he never shows up then you keep this to prove you always offered it. Similarly for every birthday and Xmas but I would make it a time/day that suits you and not even enter into availability control games.

I know this all sounds quite controlling, I know some men who would move he’ll and earth to be part of a child life (my husband for sure) but I also know a few others who mess the mums around, don’t turn up, claim the mum is a psycho who won’t let them see their kid and exert their parental rights as power play over the mums. Protect yourself and your little one from the start by having really strong boundaries and doing everything by the books.

Sorry @Teapot13 this thread is classic MN. There are a subset of posters (and therefore I assume a subset of women at large) who are solely focussed on what they believe is best of the woman in any situation. Whilst that is often to have the father of the child involved (presumably for these women solely so that there can be access to his financial resources and to split childcare) in cases where it may not be perceived as so advantageous then the father can just fuck off, his rights have no value and what is best for the child takes a very distant second place.

As the OP doesn't really know this man she also doesn't know his familial medical history either. There could be something important there that may impact her child.

I think this is right. It needs to be a considered thing, but you do need to tell him and be prepared for all variations on a response from him. He may well think it isn't his or may well ask you to terminate, be ready for both of those. He doesn't have to support you or the child emotionally but there is a financial obligation, and there are other considerations like his parents might want to be involved. They have no rights, but your child should have and may want to know their extended family.

If I was you and you are seeing him every week, I'd get an early private scan (just to make sure all looks ok for now) and tell him now. If you won't be seeing him for a while I'd tell him after your 12 week scan. But yeah, tell him, the people saying you should move away and do it by yourself are being utterly ridiculous - this isn't eastenders.

Also - congratulations! It sounds like this baby will be very wanted and loved no matter what.

Do this and that child will resent you.

Why would you go out of your way to deny your child a relationship with its father to only then suggest it takes on the responsibility of trying to create a relationship with him years and years later. Such bloody lazy and selfish parenting.

What would you propose as a response when the child inevitably asks about their dad when they are growing up?

At the end of the day either OP is a controlling asshole and will make it as difficult as possible for her child to have a father or she is a decent person who will be an adult and talk to the man.

I doubt people saying to be awful to him or be nice to him are really going to change her mind. If she wants to be awful she will be, if she wants to be nice she will be. This is more about her character and integrity than advice.

Firstly, congratulations!!

This is almost exactly the same situation I found myself in. I thought I was infertile, met a guy OLD and a few weeks later I was pregnant. 38 at the time. In my case the guy fucked off two days after I told him I was pregnant. Fast forward nearly 12 years and he re-entered my daughter's life and she had 4 and a half years of contact with him before he died of cancer.

You've made the decision to keep the baby but I do urge you to tell him, regardless of his response. He may not be interested now but may well be in the future and, more importantly, your child needs to know.

Good luck!!! x

Tbh it wasn't the OP who suggested the disgusting idea of not telling the father. It was a worrying number of other posters

@Mari9999

He may not wish to become a father and may push for a termination. He should have the right to at least voice his opinion on the subject.

And that's another reason the OP shouldn't tell him until after she's 12 weeks. He doesn't have the right to voice an opinion or push he to abort. He lost that right when he had unprotected sex in a casual relationship.

If men don't want babies, don't have unprotected sex. It's simple.

It’s amazing how people are congratulating someone irresponsible and that applies to the father too. It’s not as simple as having casual sex, getting pregnant and then going it alone, there are many things to consider and all these threads about what’s best for the mother but not the father and baby are shameless.

I really don't think it would be right not to tell him. I'm amazed so many of you think that's morally ok!! Not just re the dad but also the child.
How do people think its going to go down with the kid later in life..."who's my dad?". "Well it's this random bloke , I never told him about you". Ffs, is any kid going to be impressed with that?!
Op, have a good think about what you want before you tell him.
Do you want him on the birth certificate? Are you financially independent? Would you be interested in any shared parenting at all?

Congratulations! What is the status of the relationship? Was it a one off? You seriously need to consider whether you want to share this baby with anybody. If you definitely want to tell him then yes I would wait until you can see a heartbeat. Good luck OP, congrats again x

That is what I mean. OPs question was more about how and when to to tell him. At 40 I doubt she will be that influenced by the posters who want her child to be fatherless or want to make is hard as possible for a father and child to have a relationship. Just because the posters lack integrity doesn't mean OP does.

I know who my bio dad is... wish I bloody didn't.

You know sperm donors exist right?
Donor IVF?
Adoption?
Babies born from rape?
Fathers who die before birth?
Women fleeing domestic abuse?
Deadbeats who want no part of their childs life?
Pregnancies where people don't know the dad? (just watch Maury)

Millions of kids have grown up without a father absoloutly fine and without being 'furious'.

While I do think OP should tell him and also tell him she is planning to have and raise the child alone regardless so he can opt out fully of have part involvement. He may just opt out and thats that but I think you post was completely ignorant of millions of peoples complex situations.